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Poor parental relationships Support Thread - Page 2

post #21 of 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by mirthfulmum View Post
And that's how it always is, she gets all pissy and mean 'cause I do things differently than her. She's emotionally manipulative, and not above emotional black mail. She does and says things and then denies it. When I was a teen ager she actually said she was concerned about me and that maybe I needed some kind of catscan or something 'cause I kept making things up about her.

Had to quote this. I felt like saying "Omg like me too me too!" when I read it. The on-going issue with my parents..and why our relationship has not progressed AT ALL inspite of my best efforts - is their complete and utter denial and delusion. Nothing is EVER their fault.

I spent most of my 20's really wondering if I was crazy because I was so confused by my upbringing. Seeing things, or experiencing things, asking about it then being told I was crazy/making it up etc. I remember the day that it first happened and how terrified I was. Was it true? Was I crazy? Did I really not remember things right?

Most recently, I've been told that my memory is ruined by drug taking and that I'm mentally ill. HA! At least now I can laugh about it.

I think there comes a point, or least I've come to the point, where I can look at them with detachment and see that the level of sickness, or whatever you want to call it, is so deep that it's evil. And there is no way to deal with that except run screaming in the other direction. I have tried. Tried and tried. I am going to try and have a civil but distant relationship with them, for the sake of my daughter. But I don't really believe it will work long term, because they ultimately have no respect for other people.

I too have moments of feeling sad. But they are less and less now because I have a wonderful husband, wonderful inlaws, including a warm and loving MIL who is mentoring me (though she doesn't know it). I have good friends. They have all helped fill the void.

But yeah, I think I'm starting to make peace with the fact my wound will never heal. Nothing can replace a mother, right?
post #22 of 94
HOnestly, the most important thing to my parents (I believe) is that people think they are good people. That is more important to them then even having relationships with their children.
post #23 of 94
OMG, I cannot say how happy I am reading this thread. Mirthfulmum, do we have the same mom?!? LOL! (Hi, BTW - I've missed seeing you around!)

I really am at a place of needing to work thru my parenting issues. Even if nobody reads this all the way thru, or responds, I need the catharsis of writing it. These are the important incidents in my immediate family:

-My father molested my mother when she was a child. She was also molested/raped by a great deal of her parent's friends (they were alcoholic swingers who had parties at the house, and men would go up to her room).
-My mother married an abusive man when she was 18 to escape her parents' house who beat her every day. She left him after 18 months.
-My dad (20 years her senior) gave my mom a job at his office (he was a doctor).
-She felt that he had "saved" her, allowing her financial ability to get out of her marriage.
-My dad continued to molest her while she worked for him. She was 20, he was 40 and an important respected member of the community.
-My mom got pregnant. My dad threatened her with blackmail to abort the baby. He was married with 3 kids.
-She had the abortion. He decided to leave his wife. He proposed, she accepted.
-She got pregnant with my brother, they got married. My mom thought she was "in love" - really, he was just her abuser.
-She had me 22 months later.
-They had a very unstable relationship, but my first 5 years was stable to my recollection.
-She got pregnant with another man's child. She left my dad and moved us to another state.
-He got thrown in jail for white-collar crime.
-We moved back to our hometown.
-She spent the next 10 years bouncing either my dad or this other man in and out of the house. Dozens of times. We never knew what "side" to be on. My mom started yelling, hitting, name calling. She had two kids by the other man and at least 5 abortions. We all lived in a totally tumultuous situation.
-My parents got remarried in that time. My mom was never faithful, and my dad knew it. He used to bring me with him to tail her and spy on her going to motels. I was not allowed to tell anyone. He used to make me write notes and put them on her car saying, "Hi Mom! Sorry we missed you!" I was 10.
-They divorced.
-My mom became extremely abusive in my teen years. Yelling was the norm, and hitting was common. She would back us into corners and hit us till she came to her senses. She would then mockingly suggest we were "so abused" and dare us to call CPS.
-I was molested by one of her boyfriends. I told her, and she didn't believe me. She continued to see him, he continued to hang out and sexually harass me.
-I finally moved in with my dad, who had really gotten his sh!t together. We had a great time and he was unconditionally loving, supportive, and active in my life. Sadly, he was also dying. I found him dead in bed one morning when I was 17.
-I had to go back to live with my mom, the other man, and my sibs again. She would yell, scream, hit. I remember once she dragged me out to the car by my hair and drove me to my father's grave in the middle of the night.
-I moved out at 18, married my dh and 20, and had our beautiful two children.

I have been trying to have a relationship with her. My kids have been having a relationship with her. We saw or spoke to her several times a week. She is completely unstable. I have just been too freaked out by severing ties. However, a few weeks ago I reached my breaking point. I haven't seen her or called her or responded to her. However, I know I need to say something to her, so she will stop contacting me. I cannot have a relationship with her, I know that now.

It's really hard for me, because she spent 25 years telling me I had a great childhood, even though she'd "made mistakes". She would mock me if even hinted at her being abusive to us. I also feel so guilty, because she has almost nothing going for her in her life but her kids and grandkids. So much of me thinks: maybe I am blowing this all out of proportion? Maybe she isn't so bad? Maybe I didn't have an abusive childhood? And, I know she had a really difficult life and I feel so bad for taking the joy of me and my kids away from her - and they really do love her, and so do I, despite all of this.

Anyway - are these conflicting feelings common? I want to sever all ties, but I am totally scared. Am I just blowing this all out of proportion? BTW, I am starting therapy this week.

Thanks so much for letting me ramble. It's incredibly hard IRL, because on the surface, she does project a very "normal" front - but she is toxic to be in a relationship with.
post #24 of 94
conflicting emotions? check

feeling you are blowing things out of proportion? check

'normal' front? check

um, yeah. Speaking from my experience only, what you are going through sounds pretty normal.

So, do you feel better for having written it all out?
post #25 of 94
Nodding along here. The whole thing. Divorce, abuse, neglect, etc. I still have decent relationships with my family but it has taken a lot of therapy and a lot of work setting HUGE boundaries. I do want DS to experience having grandparents and so far it has been okay. A work in progress and probably always will be.

I have made a comittment to break the cycle of abuse in my family and one of my main goals in life was to raise a child who feels safe and whose spirit is not broken. I am thrilled that I have the opportunity to do this, however, I sometimes wonder if I am entangling DS too much in my past. Do you ever feel that way? A friend recently told me.....DS is **not you**. I never thought there was anything wrong with doing some healing work thru parenting but perhaps I am incorrect.
post #26 of 94
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by debm View Post
Nodding along here. The whole thing. Divorce, abuse, neglect, etc. I still have decent relationships with my family but it has taken a lot of therapy and a lot of work setting HUGE boundaries. I do want DS to experience having grandparents and so far it has been okay. A work in progress and probably always will be.

I have made a comittment to break the cycle of abuse in my family and one of my main goals in life was to raise a child who feels safe and whose spirit is not broken. I am thrilled that I have the opportunity to do this, however, I sometimes wonder if I am entangling DS too much in my past. Do you ever feel that way? A friend recently told me.....DS is **not you**. I never thought there was anything wrong with doing some healing work thru parenting but perhaps I am incorrect.
This is definitely me. While I haven't gotten to the actual therapy part, I am separated from my mom right now, and I don't plan on having anything to do with her until I feel I'm ready to start making necessary steps to having a healthy relationship with her. My children have other grandparents who love them and care for them *unconditionally* ( and that is HUGE )

My husband has told me that my oldest son is NOT ME. I have a chance to do things differently. But I SEE myself in him. Even when he's just overtired and having a tough day and he is whining and crying and tantruming, I see myself as a child. A frustrated, angry child that no one listened to. Even though I know my DS isn't feeling that way because he is neglected like I was, just hearing him be upset unearths all those old feelings and memories. I have a LONG way to go before I get over this.
post #27 of 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Poot View Post
My husband has told me that my oldest son is NOT ME. I have a chance to do things differently. But I SEE myself in him. Even when he's just overtired and having a tough day and he is whining and crying and tantruming, I see myself as a child. A frustrated, angry child that no one listened to. Even though I know my DS isn't feeling that way because he is neglected like I was, just hearing him be upset unearths all those old feelings and memories. I have a LONG way to go before I get over this.
I totally understand this. There have been times when I haven't been able to listen to him crying because it triggers me. Thankfully this doesn't happen that much any more. I am working really hard to see him as himself and understand that he is not going to be scarred like I was...even when he's hurting.
post #28 of 94
Oh mamas...I haven't seen my mom in weeks, because I finally decided to call it quits after 25 years of her. She'd sent me a series of offensive, abusive, and crazy emails over my son's birthday party and I reached my breaking point. I have been really proud of myself for standing my ground for once.

My mom knocked on my door this morning. She asked if she could drive my dd to school. I said "No, dd doesn't have school today..." I didn't invite her in (yay me!) and she stood there awkwardly and then said bye and left. She was obviously just looking for some excuse to come over, as I have not been returning her emails or calls.

5 minutes later, I get a knock on the door. A bang, more like it. I answered the door, and it was her again. "We need to talk!" she said in a very hostile way. My two kids, both under 5, were right there.

"No, I am not going to discuss this with you in front of my children. That is not appropriate," I told her. She started yelling at me. I closed and locked the front door, leaving her ranting on the front steps.

She was out there for 30 minutes, banging on the door, ringing the bell, over and over. With my 2 and 4 year old in the house! They were totally scared and confused. I put on music and read them their favorite books, but they were so freaked out. I even considered calling the police, I really didn't know what to do to make her leave, and my children and I were just terrified for 30 mins - them because they didn't understand what was happening, and me because I feared she might break my window or door and come in.

She finally left.

I am totally freaked out.
post #29 of 94
Oh wow Katie! I remember we were in the same DDC together, and back then I kept remarking on how your mom and my mom could be twins. I can totally see my mom doing the same thing!

I don't know if I have it in me to end the relationship I have with my mother. A big part of it is guilt. She has hardly any family, just me, my boys and my brother. So I feel like leaving her would be a real blow to her, and a real hardship on my brother.

Right now I just stay relatively emotionally distant. It seems to ba working okay. My mom sense the distance and has been really trying lately to be more aware of her actions. The real problems will rear up again as my third birth approaches...
post #30 of 94
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mirthfulmum View Post
thing!

I don't know if I have it in me to end the relationship I have with my mother. A big part of it is guilt. She has hardly any family, just me, my boys and my brother. So I feel like leaving her would be a real blow to her, and a real hardship on my brother.
When she does something heinous enough, you will call it quits, trust me. I am my mother's only child. She killed all the other ones- two I know of but probably more- she won't tell me. ( and yes that is how I see it and no I will not change my stance or wording on it ) She is engaged to a man she's been with for a long time now, but they dont even live together...So Im basically all she's got. But I didnt make it that way and thats not my problem, and I'm done taking ownership of that.
post #31 of 94
hug to you all
post #32 of 94
I believe I belong here. I'm going to try and finish reading through your posts tonight or tomorrow and post some about me. (the sad part is I thought my family was "normal")
post #33 of 94
joining.

anyone else try to talk about this with people who have good moms/parents and get "OH, but they're your mother/father!!! You only have one!"

yeah. Thank God I only have one of her.

my mom practiced "detachment" parenting, working long hours then spending any free time on shopping, friends, travel, etc. We were raised by our Nanna.

my parents divorced when I was 12 and things went downhill very quickly from that point on. My mom seemed not to remember what it was like to be a child, and while she did have some good points- would try to compliment our good qualities, praise when we did something right- her rules went from barely there to controlling and rigid when I was about 16/17. My reaction was explosively to fight back and rebel, and the harder I rebelled, the tougher she was, until she was unrecognizable as the mother who had loved me as a child and became only a controlling, cold, demanding witch.

Eventually her punishments became so severe compared to the offense that I simply gave up on even trying to abide by the rules and would outright disobey, staying out until wee hours of the morning, coming home drunk etc. So basically as soon as I graduated high school, she tried to send me to live with my father (who I do like) and my stepmother (who I hate). She didn't tell me first, just packed about half of my things (I didn't have much, though she is rich she didn't spend money on me) and had my father pick me up at a friend's house, and tell me on the way to his house I was to be living with him.

I refused, explaining I'd just taken a job over an hour south of him, and moved in with my boyfriend. This lead to a year or so of intense alcoholism, and a lot of other things I"m not proud of, including a felony assualt conviction. I don't blame my mother completely of course, but I do think the reason I was so out of control was the total and utter lack of compassion and love I was given as a teenager. She also poisoned other family members against me, because she couldn't stand that I got along with everyone except her so well. Eventually I cut the crap, pulled myself up by the bootstraps, met DH, got married, had dd.

Our relationship now is tenuous, she tries to bribe me with gifts and money and keeps her hooks in me that way since we are poor. Sometimes she really crosses the grandmother line in trying to make decisions about what I should do with DD and I feel like laughing in her face- as if I am going to take advice from HER?? who never stayed home, never spent time with us, and churned out two (my sister is a mess) emotionally unstable daughters??? thanks but no thanks!!
post #34 of 94

katie you have

every right to call the police if she does that again. Its probably lucky for her that the neighbors didn't for disturbing the peace.
Just because she is blood doesn't mean she gets to terrify you in your own home where you should be able to feel safe and comfy.
If she keeps it up you may have to get a TRO! You and your children should NOT be made to feel like prisoners in your own home!!
post #35 of 94
I'm not sure where to start but I know I need to. I'm still living in it though and have no real idea how to get out.
I don't trust my memory and I think there is probably A LOT I've blocked out. My mother divorced my father and remarried before I was born. I don't really remember my stepfather ( I k now who he is now and I've seen photos.) My grandparents "raised" me for the most part but I lived with my mother a lot. Supposedly my grandparents fought for custody of me, but they didn't try and take my sister so they lost. (they swear this was the only reason). My mother is and has always been a drug addict. Mostly pharms. I remember being strange places as a child, later I was told by an older classmate that she was enlisted to keep my sis and I out of the way while my mother partied in other rooms of these "strange" places. My mother was always put out whenever she needed to do something for us. take us to a friends house, drive us 15 minutes to meet my grandmother so she could keep us all weekend almost every weekend my mother is a cruel selfish woman and everything was always everyone fault but hers. Still is. As I get older I'm seeing how my mothers life may have been with my controlling manipulative self righteous grandmother. My grandmother refers to both me and my daughter as Her Babies. She threatened my midwife during my labor that NOTHING better happen to her baby. She's threatened almost every boyfriend I've ever had she forced me to have an abortion when I was 17 and while she do anything for me that I ask it's never without strings. I will owe her till she dies. If I don't show up for something when she wants I must have done it to hurt her. I'm a married woman and my husband has a mother and father that are divorced and I am also close to my fathers parents but you know where I'd better be on holidays. My fathers mothers 70th bday party is being held on thanksgiving (I'm assuming because everyone will be here from out of town anyhow) when I told my grandmother she said "Did you tell them you have to be at your Mom Mom's house for thanksgiving?"
post #36 of 94

did you tell her

"My fathers mothers 70th bday party is being held on thanksgiving (I'm assuming because everyone will be here from out of town anyhow) when I told my grandmother she said "Did you tell them you have to be at your Mom Mom's house for thanksgiving?"

" Why would I do that? I will be celebrating Gma's bday. She is only 70 once you know"
"Thanksgiving comes every year"
post #37 of 94
Thread Starter 

Just recalling some incidents in the past

This isn't really organized, so I apologize if it's hard to read. I'm typing as things come to mind...

Incident One: We were at a friend's house and my mom was arguing with some boyfriend she had at the time. We'll call him "J". J was a nice person, but he was also a thief and ended up stealing a large sum of money from us. But anyways, my mom and I were sitting in the car, and I was trying to tell her about the burn I got on my foot earlier that day from stepping on a cigarette in the yard. She said something like "Be quiet I don't care about that right now...." and kept arguing with J. J knew how mean my mom could be towards me, and before we left he said to my mom "Don't you dare take it out on that girl." For some reason, that has always stuck in my mind. Thanks, J.

Incident Two: I was in elementary school, maybe 2nd or 3rd grade, and I guess I was running late in the morning for school. I couldn't decide what to wear and I wasn't comfortable ( I was one of those kids that couldn't stand it if their socks weren't on perfectly straight ) well my mom was flipping out and screaming at me, and I don't remember any words but I do remember she took my shoes, threw one at the window and the other at me. It narrowly missed my head.

Incident Three: I was 12 years old at this time. My mom had been particularly violent and out of control on this day, and I had gone across the street to seek refuge at my best friend's house. I was too terrified to go home, so I called my dad and told him everything and I wanted him to come and get me. I didn't want to live with my mom anymore. So he came, my mom went postal, cops were called, etc... I remember two things: Asking the policeman if he liked his job, and my mom yelling to me "You're dead meat!" and the police telling her they were writing that down as evidence of abuse.

Incident Four: I was 16 years old at this time. My mom was fighting with her fiance. His two children, then about 11 and 9, were at the house too. I was sick of them acting like idiots and stupidly got in the middle of the fight. I grabbed a can of soda from the table and slammed it into the wall. It left a large hole. But it got their attention. Of course my mom told me to stay out of it....but then she ran into the bedroom and grabbed a revolver out of a dresser drawer and locked herself in the bathroom. No one knew at that time that the gun wasn't loaded. I immediately called 911, while hovering in a corner at the other end of the house, her fiance's two kids hovering with me and covering their ears praying they wouldn't hear the gun go off. FIVE police cars showed up in the blink of an eye, along with an ambulance. They talked to me and then talked to my mom. They took her to the hospital for examination, but then they let her come home. I remember being incredibly angry that she was allowed to come home.

Incident Five: I was a freshman in high school. My mom and I had just returned from a trip to Columbus. I got a very nice antique violin, which was supposed to take me all the way through college but was later destroyed in a freak accident I was really excited about it and couldn't wait to take it to school. On our way home my mom had some kind of mental episode ( which I later found out was caused by her purposefully not taking her medication ) and when we got home she began getting violent and incoherent. She started threatening me and saying things that didn't make sense, and I heard her say "You don't deserve this"...and within a blink of an eye she was holding that violin threatening to destroy it. I tackled her and gave her several nasty bruises on her arms and a fat lip. That was the first physical altercation we had.

Will finish later.....that's enough for now.
post #38 of 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by CerridwenLorelei View Post
"My fathers mothers 70th bday party is being held on thanksgiving (I'm assuming because everyone will be here from out of town anyhow) when I told my grandmother she said "Did you tell them you have to be at your Mom Mom's house for thanksgiving?"

" Why would I do that? I will be celebrating Gma's bday. She is only 70 once you know"
"Thanksgiving comes every year"

Ha I'd love to tell her that I can't even imagine what she'd say to me....Well I guess I'll just have to do it all by myself...what do you mean we wont get to see Prudy for thanksgiving?....Well how about you go early then you could still be here by 4 right?...or next year....Are you coming to dinner I didn't know since you didn't come last year....

Yes I'm scared of the confrontation I haven't gotten as far as many of you mamma's.


I just want to send hugs to all of you Mamma's here.
post #39 of 94

Megan want me to

tell her for you
post #40 of 94
Thread Starter 
Well, I called my mom today and left a message on her home answering machine. Basically went something like this:

Hi mom it's just me. Just thought I'd see how you're doing...maybe we can have a ceasefire for the holidays...We would like to see everyone...maybe we can start working on things again. Give me a call.

So I extended the olive branch.... she hasn't called back yet. But I tried...let it be known that I tried!
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