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Poor parental relationships Support Thread - Page 4

post #61 of 94
listening, maggi
post #62 of 94
I just wanted to stop in and say hello. How are you ladies all doing? How's everyone holding up with the impending holiday?
MamaPoot I hear ya on wanting to stay home. DH is insisting we stay home and tell them they know where we live. We went to my grandmothers for thanksgiving, did not see my fathers mother for her birthday. When I said I didnt' think I was coming she said "well why am I cooking if No one is coming to dinner?" Um me dh and dd were only 3 of the 12 people there. Her mother is dying now so there is another reason for me to not confront her.
post #63 of 94
I saw my new therapist for the first time today!!! AND - get this - she is a longhaired waterbirthing non-vaccinating extended nursing mom! How cool is that?!!?! I am hoping I can do some real personal growth, and that therapy can help me with that.
post #64 of 94
That's great news Katie, let us know how it's going.
post #65 of 94
Holidays...hmm..well, considering they wouldn't see me over a non-holiday weekend, I doubt I'll be getting any kind of contact from them over the holiday.

But that's fine. I'll enjoy my holiday more if I don't hear from them!
post #66 of 94
I have always had issues with my mom and keep trying to make it work. I have always felt like my mom was more of an aunt to me than a mother. My parents divorced when I was 1-2. I have had 6 stepdads since then. Luckily nothing bad ever happened to me by these guys although in the first grade we did have to live in a shelter b/c he kept abusing my pregnant mother.

I guess my biggest problem is that despite the chaotic and often unstable home life, I did do something with my life and that seems to be an issue. My family often calls me names like goody-goody, miss priss, etc. I have always been more conservative than them, but that is just me. It bothers me that they seem to openly judge me and i keep my opinions to myself. I don't always agree with them and I think they make life harder on themselves, but I try to understand them and be supportive.

It really hurts too. I remember someone saying they wish they had the mom that attended school stuff and seemed to be proud to be a mom. I was a cheerleader and my mom never attended a game. I was 2nd inmy class and it didn't seem to matter to her. Nothing I did seemed to be important to her so I think that is how school became a surrogate parent to me and somewhere to thrive.

I guess that is why I am the parent I am today. I am by no means perfect, but I try to show my kids that I am interested and think they are great. I stay involved in my kids lives whether it is school, clubs, or sports. I make sure they have the chance to be involved as well.

I remember hearing my mom say that she could have done different things, but she had kids. That is a terrible thing to remember, that your mother blames you for her failures in life.

I am now trying to stay away from her and my siblings. Mom found a new man and the sibs just seem to call when they want something although they can't seem to visit.

Sorry I am going on and on but I finally found somewhere where I feel others may know what this is like.
Thanks in advance for listening to this crud!
post #67 of 94
Wow, momma mia. Your post made me really sad.
post #68 of 94
Lucysmama,
I read your post and you are so strong. It seems so unfair that you had to grow up with all of that. I hope counseling is good for you and make sure that the counselor is good with you. I think finding a great counselor would be awesome.
post #69 of 94

OK, Here is my lucky life....LONG BEWARE!!

Ok, here goes.
My family is all abusive in one form or another, the major ones are alcohol and emotional/mental. My Grandparents were awesome, but cared too much and gave to much to those who took advantage of them, but for me I was thankfull.
My mother was young when she had my brother, no father around. She met my DAD and has me 18 months after my brother was born. She said that my dad was abusive to her and my brother. She ended up giving my brother and I to my grandmother and grandfather to raise. I was about 4 when I went back to live with my mother and who I thought was my father.

Her husband was an a$$, he was abusive to her and my brother and I. He would sign her checks for food, and we werent alloweed to have ANYTHING especially food she bought for him without asking. No snacks unless asked and even then we never got them. During the years as I got older and I was devolping he used to play this game called "Titty twister" he was always grabbing me. My mother let this go one for sometime with no regard to my feelings. When I was about 7 or 8 I remember going home with him from a bar that my parents were always at and he tried to make me kiss him and put my tongue in my mouth. I never said anything to my mom, I was scared.
Later through the years he would call me names, make fun of me and my brother, was physically and mentally abusive to my brother.
I finally found out he was my step father when I was in 4th grade due to some paperwork my mother filled out, had no clue he wasnt my dad. I was relieved to find out he wasnt but wanted to know my DAD and my mom said NO WAY are you going to know him and I wasnt alloweed to know anything.

I remember accidentally walking in on him when I was like 15 years old, had no idea he was in the room and he was naked, I said sorry and walked out of the room. He came back and said dont tell your mother what you saw, she would not be happy. Again, she was just as bad with the mentall/emotional abuse I never said anthything about that either.
When I was 16 he was drunk, told me I was the reason him and my mother never got along and I was a horrible child.
When I was 17 and this was the final straw, I had no say something, I was in my room. Mother was gone, I was on my bed, he came in and pinned me down on my bed and tried to make me kiss him, trying to stick his tongue in my mouth, he was on top of me. I keep telling him to get off me and go away. He finally did, apologized and left. He was completely sober, and again asked me not to tell her.
I did tell her, she was great about it at first, then went home to talk to him and she told me he didnt mean it he was just playing.

I told her I wasnt going home, I ended up at a family friends house, people I thought I knew. During the time my mom found out, I tried to have him arrested for it. Child Service pulled me from class, talked to me and didnt do anything, no evidence, no penetration. My mother told me to come home, I refused. I told her I was going to live with my grandmother again, she didnt like it and threatened to kill herself if I did. Of course I stayed with this family.

During the time I was with this family, they were so mentally/emotionally abusive, I quit school my senior year. I ended up going back and graduating with my class, I woke up and said there is no way they are all going to win anything from me.

I moved out of their house when I was 18. THANK GOD for that!

I met and moved in with the next man I found, he became my husband and I had a child and now Im divorced from him.

There is alot more to my story but thats it for now, I am 25 and a single mother of a beautiful daughter and live with a man who has a wonderful 8 year old. We too are having alot of problems, I know alot stems from me and my past. I cant seem to get over it. I talk to my mom now, because it hurt worse to hate her, then it did to deal with her. So thats where I am at today!

Thanks for reading, I am looking for places to vent all my anger and pain to, Im glad this thread was started.
post #70 of 94
Wow, I have been reading this thread for a couple of days and I decided to post. I am so sorry for all the things all your wonderful mamas had to go through and I see the commitment in this thread to changing the cycle with our own children. So here is my story (the short version):

My mom and dad got divorced when I was about 2. My dad was my primary caretaker until around that time because my mom was a working mom. I am the youngest of four, but my two older brothers have a different father from my mom's first marriage. They are quite a bit older than me (10 and 12 years respectfully) and while they loved me and all, we have only gotten closer in the past few years. My sister is four years older than me and we are really close. She is so awesome and if it weren't for her, I don't know what I would do -- however, she was the *easy* child, whereas I was the *spirited*, thus *bad* one. We were constantly compared which caused resentment between us (we have worked through that though).

My dad was an alcoholic and he has been sober for almost 20 years. Even when I was little he was never the abusive, mean drunk -- my dad has a really good heart and was/is kind -- but when we were little he was the kind of drunk that just always let you down, didn't show up for visitation, make promises he couldn't keep, etc -- so that was neglectful and damaging in its own way but I have worked through most of that. He is old and weak now, with parkinsons, and he doesn't have a mean bone in his body... he is just like, weak ya know? Weak of spirit, not very bright, I feel sorry for him more than anything...

Now to the real issue... my mom. When they divorced she was a single mom and worked and supported us which I am grateful for and all, but she was (and still is) very, very, very, verbally abusive and hit us a lot as kids. She hit me the most because of course I was the most *defiant* -- my sister barely got hit because she was really easygoing and just survived by doing what my mom told her her... My mom would beat m, wire hangers (ala mommy dearest), brushes, hands --- when she was stressed/pissed off etc....but then the manipulative part of a relationship dynamic like this is that sometimes she was wonderful and fun and loving and giving etc...

She started dating my stepdad when I was around two as well -- so she would work a lot in the day, and at night be out with him. We stayed with my grandmother (her mom) a lot who was an absolute saint... I almost wish my mom was more screwed up so we could have lived with her. She was so awesome and kind and gentle and *ap* for her time and such --- but the damaging part of that, no matter how awesome she was, we still longed for time with our mom --

fast forward (im leaving a lot out but i dont want it to get too long) she married my stepdad (same guy) when I was about 11 and moved us away from everyone and everything 1000 miles away because he got transfered for his job. HE IS A TOTAL JERK.

He has anger issues and is generally weird and sexually deviant. I wouldn't say he molested me per se (its all how you define it and I don't want to undermine others experiences) but I will definately say he sexually harrassed us -- grabbing at us, making really inappropriate comments etc -- he also beat me ... a lot. Whenever he got upset or I wasnt acting the way he thought I should, I got beat.

I recall one time in particular I had pissed him or my mom off in some way and I was in the shower --- as I was getting out, he stormed in the locked bathroom and began beating me. I had a towel on and it fell off during this process -- I was like 13!!!! So here I am, naked, being beaten, and knocked into the shower -- finally my mom comes in crying and screaming, hanging on him saying he was going to kill me.

Yeah nice right?

God I could go on forever, they are just so fucked up. My mom always comes across as this big strong woman and feminist, but he is her meal ticket. She was poor for so long and he offered her a life in a tropical state with a big house and pool and it doesn't matter that he has cheated on her like 3 times, that HE BEAT HER DAUGHTER... etc... she always makes excuses for him --- and as recently as when I was pregnant with my daughter, said anytime I got hit it was my fault because I deserved it -- yeah I got up and left.

It is a constant cycle with my mom of fighting and making up. I see how and suspect she has borderline personality disorder or something similar -- maybe narcassistic? I don't know, but something is going on there. Nothing is ever her fault. Nothing.

We are constantly on the outs. My pregnancy and birth was all about her. She practically demanded to be at my birth (homebirth).

I can really relate to the woman (sorry forgot the poster ) who said she tried to cut ties with her mom and her mom beat on her door for 30 minutes demanding to be let in. I could SO see my mom doing that.

I can also relate to the poster who said that on the outside her parents look all awesome and stable. My parents look like a ditinguished older couple who have it all together... but they are a mess...

I can also relate to the poster who said her mom would mock her with "if you have it so bad, call CPS and let them take you away" ---my mom ALWAYS said that to me.

Wow, there is so much more, but I can also relate to the poster (same one I think as the banging on door mom) who said there are conflicting feelings. There definately are with me --- I feel like my relationship with my mom is like one with an abusive boyfriend or something. Like she has done a lot for me and sometimes is very kind and nice and loving, then other times she is really mean and cruel and hateful -- and takes the position that she is the only mother I will ever have etc ...

She has a habit of *freezing me out* ---

For instance, we are in a fight now because I WILL NOT leave our daughter with her while my stepdad is around. I don't trust him. He tries to coerce my daugher into hugging and kissing him etc despite my daughter saying a clear "NO" and I have had to advocate for my daughter very firmly regarding that -- I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MY DAUGHTER TO KEEP PEACE... and if people don't respect that, so be it. NOTHING comes before my daughter and her wellbeing. My husband agrees with this.... of course though, I get from my mom "you always cause controversy...you hurt (stepdads) feeelings" --

Screw him... I will not let my daughter be pressured into hugging or kissing someone she doesn't want to because I don't want to "cause trouble"...

My mom said "well maybe you shouldn't come to christmas because I can't tell stepdad in HIS home (sad, his home, not hers) how to act".

I was like, "If you are saying that the minute I walk into *HIS* house, I lose all right to advocate for myself or daughter, then we won't be coming for Christmas." I was really calm about it, so I am proud.

So we haven't spoken for three days -- and I am not calling her. I know she is sitting there thinking I should be calling and apologizing for daring to upset stepdad and her --- pleeease.


Wow this got all kinds of long Thanks for reading.
post #71 of 94
to you all
post #72 of 94
s and positive healthy vibes to all the mommas this holiday season.
post #73 of 94


I have so much respect for all of you!

It is so hard to write down this pain. I can feel it working though! I feel so much more peace about my situation since reading this thread. I know I'm doing the right thing. I do feel pain for all of you. I'm sure this sounds weird, but compared to some of these posts - it seems like I really don't have much to complain about!

I hope everyone stays strong during the upcoming holiday season.

post #74 of 94
Thread Starter 
Just checking in My mom and I are doing ok right now. I'm going to let her watch the boys on Thursday night for about 5 hours while dh and I go to rehearsal for a xmas gig we're playing. I hope everything goes well. I'm still keeping all conversation with her very neutral, and as much as I hate that it seems to be keeping peace between us. Wish us luck!
post #75 of 94
I am so glad to have found this thread. I really feel getting it out helps me heal. I need a little time to organize my thoughts though, I feel as though if I let anything out at this moment I would just explode.
post #76 of 94
You know what helps the most with this thread... that I am not alone. That I am not the only child out there that feels unloved by their mom..

You know, that it can't be all my fault, especially with all these other great moms out there who grew up in simular bad parenting models.

Anyway,

thank you all
Amy
post #77 of 94
Okay, this xmas is either going to be like one of those ben stiller comedies or a therapy needing nightmare (more likely the ben stiller option though). It turns out that my mom has invited my dad to her place for Christmas. And my dad accepted!!!!!! So for the first time in about 25 years I will have both my mom and my dad in the same home for Christmas!!!! My brother called me yeaterday with the news. He's a bit in shock. Oh the xmas memories we will create this year
post #78 of 94
editing
post #79 of 94
My childhood was pretty bad, but right now I just need someone to listen to me about right now. The following is the email my father sent my fifteen year old son on Christmas Day:

Quote:
Another thought.

If your mother resists all of this she could cause a lot of trouble. She can report you missing to the police, though one of my first steps in such case would be to call the Eureka police and tell them where you are or tell your Dad to do it for me. Should you wish to go to school in Athens, you probably would need your mother's permission or the schools wouldn't permit you to attend and would call the Athens Police and tell them you are in the posession of a suspected Funny Fellow claiming to be your grandfather.

Children have limited rights, but one of them is the right to a proper education. You have that right and your mother would have a hard time proving you are adequately schooled because she has thumbed her nose at the approved state curicular and has done her own thing, thus forfitting 8,000 to 10,000 in state funds for schooling each of her children. That's 16,000 to 20,000 a year so your mother could do her own thing in regards to your education. The state requires that their curiculum be used for a very good reason. People's financial situations change and it is not always possible for one parent to stay home to home school. Often both parents must work to support the family and no matter what the "rathers" are the children must then attend public school. This has happened in part. Your grandmothers investments have not prospered because of the economy and her income has consequently been seriously reduced.

It makes sense to keep the home schooled children in step with what is taught in the public schools, particularly since the public schools teach the changing skills needed to prepare students for the changing job market. Then home schooled children can make a smooth change over to public school or college.

If you look in the government listing of the telephone book probably under California State Government you should see a listing of Human Resources Department and under that you should see something like Family and Children Services.

You can go and talk to these people and they will see to it that you get a proper education in a proper school, but they will probably take you away from your mother and put you in a foster home which would devastate your mother and might be highly unpleasant -- from the frying pan into the fire. In a sitution like this, the State of California spends upward of $60,000 a year on each child, providing them with tutors where needed etc. That's a lot of money and a lot of assistance. There was a ditty on 20/20 on TV about it.

It is your right to get an education and no one, not even your parents, can take that right away from you.

You are not trapped.

I don't recommend this particular approach because it takes you away from both your parents and may lead to a worse life for you but it empowers you. It is an option that does not endanger your life.

Running away and depending on the kindness of funny fellows does. We must work something out.

Probably you need to present this trip to your mother as a sort of pre spring break. After you are here I have work here for you. I need help in clearing this house out because in a few years I will be moving to an old folks home. It will take quite a while and I will pay you quite a bit to help me. You will be able to send money home to help out both of your parents. When you go back home, no more helpful Chris-earned money. How sad! Jeanita will pout! Tacey will have to go without treaties. Oh kitty-woe!

I'll be talking to you tomorrow but will say little to you in case someone is listening. Christmas day is not a good day for bomb shells but it might be good for us to get some pratice at battening down hatches (old ship with sails saying).


Love you

Grandad
post #80 of 94

Hugs To Everyone Here

I wanted to send a big dose of love, support and peace to all the brave souls who have posted here.

The courage to heal begins with recognizing that we all deserve happiness and healthiness, and that as much as the conventional family structure would be nice, sometimes we have to make our own definitions.

I am an adult survivor of physical/ emotional abuse and family addiction, and I wanted to post here not necessarily to share my whole story, but to show my support and affection for all of you, and to share the choices and mechanisms which I personally use to live with the emotional legacy my family has given me. (I'm happy to answer questions about details if anyone happens to be curious, though )

The biggest, most lasting difference has been finding support for myself; I have been involved with a program of support for family/friends of addicts for almost six years and I cannot begin to express the difference it has made in my life. The love, support and lessons I have learned-- and am still learning -- have helped me find a happiness I once believed I would never find. If any of you adult children of alcoholics/drug addicts have ever considered looking into such a program, or are just curious, feel free to PM me about information, if you so choose.

Many years of therapy have helped as well, particularly because it taught me how to objectively identify the patterns in my family and the specific behaviors in which those patterns manifest themselves.

Private journaling is a wonderful tool- for my part I think everyone deserves a place to spew all of their crazy out where no one else has the right to see it.

I made the choice to separate myself from most of my family about 2 1/2 years ago, because I realized that there was no room in the diseased structure of my family for me to have my own life on my own terms. I miss my sisters very much, but I do not miss the extreme dysfunction that is, practically speaking, the price of having them actively in my life. I retain the hope that someday they can be in a place where they can understand me, or perhaps that I will get to a point where, if they don't change, I will be able to handle them gracefully enough that their sickness will not bother me.

I have chosen, along with my husband, to permanently sever all ties completely with my stepfather. He is mentally ill. I realize and accept that now. Since he has repeatedly and drastically shown that he is unstable and violent, DH and I don't feel that it is safe to have him be a part of our life.

I still have contact with my mother-- a phone call once a week on Sundays to catch up (w/ the exception of Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year's--they replace that week's call), and one no-more-than-one-week-long visit a year. It is that explicitly structured, and needs to be. She emails me more than that, and I wait until I talk to her on Sunday to respond. The boundaries have actually helped tremendously with creating some much-needed distance.

My biological father is still actively drinking. He is a nice drunk-- sweet but neglectful, like the father of another poster here-- and he and I talk on holidays, father's day, his birthday and mine (if he remembers to call.)

I definitely wish it could be different. But it's not, and they're not, and I can't change that, even if I do believe in fairies.

I hope this is helpful for someone. It has been helpful for me to share with you. Happy, Happy Holidays, friends, and keep being good to you.
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