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Poor parental relationships Support Thread - Page 5

post #81 of 94

noordinaryspider



what exactly was your dad's reasoning behind that freaky email??
I hope you all have cut contact and have a RO against that man...
post #82 of 94
I definitely belong here - so here I am, joining.

Writing about my family and my upbringing in the way that would therapeutically shed light on my situation is near impossible without years of hammering down walls I have surely built as a youth.



My mother, is a clinical alcohol and other drugs therapeutic mentor.
And yet - she is the biggest junky I have ever met.

My past includes the same that most have written here - my mothers affairs, threats, physical abuse, mental and emotional torment and abuse, etc etc.

I've come to a point where I do not have much animosity left for my mother - I realize she is very mentally ill, and really can not help herself, much, at least.


It's really hard to get through any sort of interaction with her, I just, am so emotionally blocked from her that I hardly realize she is there.
She is not my mother.


There was a lot of physical abuse in my family - I remember one time my brother and I were fighting over what kind of pizza we should make (he's a meat lover, I was a vegetarian) - I was 13, maybe - he threw a pizza at me, I threw a fork at him - he charged me, tackled me, and threw me to the ground and then got up and started kicking me, as I laid on the ground - he screamed and repeatedly kicked my abdomen and head.

My mother came into the kitchen - and looked at me on the ground, my brother standing above me, and she said "Kati, what the fuck did you do?"



It's taken me years to build a relationship with my brother, and he has made his amends, I realize he grew up in the same house as I did - and I can not blame him entirely for his behavior. We're close now, living on the bond that we did not have a mentally stable mother.

I'll write more, later.
post #83 of 94
Thread Starter 

I think the end is near

I am just wasting my time at this point. I really, really am. My mother is hopeless, at least to me. I have two young children and a husband to care for. I never take care of myself anymore. And I need to start doing that, but that will require removing myself from other people in my life and the first person on that list is unfortunatly my own mother. She is toxic to me, she drains me, she makes me needlessly angry and worried and frustrated. I am at the point where my hair is falling out in clumps, literally - every single day. I am tired, I am sore, I am short-tempered with my family and I am not the person I NEED and WANT to be when I have anything to do with my mother. Why don't we start with Christmas? I decided that DH and the kids and I would stay home on Xmas day. I have every right to start my own traditions and I decided that staying home would be one of them. I told my mom we would come and see her on the 26th. She knew I wasn't going to change my mind about so she said fine. So the 26th comes around, my toddler is tired and won't take a nap, he is teething like crazy and just all around not feeling well. I called my mom to tell her we were on our way and got no answer. I called her cellphone and still no answer so I left a message telling her we would meet her at her house. I knew she had some errands to run so I figured she was just busy. She calls me back and complains that we were already in town and at her house and how she "wasn't ready for company" even though she knew we were coming over that afternoon. So she gets home, we open the kids' presents, my cousin and his SO call and say they're coming over to visit before they head back to NYC, and my grandma comes over as well. So all is well, right? We get to visit with everyone, open presents, everyone is happy, right? WRONG. Everyone but my mother of course. My toddler cannot sleep anywhere but his own bed in his own room. I tried desperately to explain this to my mother and instead of being understanding towards her own grandson she replies "I don't need a lecture." Then she starts obsessing about what he is eating and keeps offering him food even though he isn't hungry, then acting all offended when he refuses the food. He is tall and lean, always has been, he's about 32 inches and 20 lbs at 16.75 months. But she insists we are "starving" him because we have him on a mostly whole-foods based organic diet. I have tried over and over again to explain to her the concept of whole foods and she refuses to listen. She eats like shit, gets fast food all the time, eats tons of processed food. That day when we were there she had just come from the grocery store and there were hardly any REAL food products there. It was all boxed dinners like Hamburger Helper and those pre-packaged rice things and junk food. She is overweight, has high cholesterol, doesn't take care of herself, and is a horrible role model for anyone when it comes to nutrition. And now she's projecting her own issues with food onto my kids. I'm absolutely at the end of my rope with this woman. She was hospitalized last year with a kidney stone and ulcerative colitis, and I spoke with her yesterday and she said she was sick again and almost went to the hospital. I have no more pity for her. If she gets sick, I'm not helping her because she is doing this to herself. I'm done.
She was in an absolutely foul mood when we went to see her on the 26th. Absolutely foul. My husband is sick of all of this. He does not want his children being exposed on a regular basis to her constant negativity and narcissism. And either do I. It makes me sad that I cannot seem to make things better with her, but you can't get blood from a stone I suppose. Sigh. Well, that's my update for now. Happy New Year everyone.
post #84 of 94
Thread Starter 

It is over.

Things officially ended between my mother and I yesterday. She had the nerve to drag my grandmother down here and fight with me in front of her, my husband, and my children. DH blew up at her and finally told her exactly how he felt about her. I feel numb, but relieved. I think I might take myself to Applebee's tonight and celebrate with a strawberry daquiri. But it is over. Unfortunately I still have some things to get from her house, including my wedding gown, and I'll probably have to get a police escort to do it. We'll see what happens.
post #85 of 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Poot View Post
Things officially ended between my mother and I yesterday. She had the nerve to drag my grandmother down here and fight with me in front of her, my husband, and my children. DH blew up at her and finally told her exactly how he felt about her. I feel numb, but relieved. I think I might take myself to Applebee's tonight and celebrate with a strawberry daquiri. But it is over. Unfortunately I still have some things to get from her house, including my wedding gown, and I'll probably have to get a police escort to do it. We'll see what happens.
good luck with getting your things from her
post #86 of 94
joining...

I grew up in an extremely violent home. My father beat up my mother and my mother beat us up. Constantly.
She has always been very manipulative and controlling. She is also very religious. There was no music, no movies, nothing in our home, except violence and the daily memorizing of the quran. friends were not allowed to come over and only one friend was allowed to call me.

When I got my period at 13, my mom said she was extremely disappointed and knew I would not be able to take care of myself and if I had any questions to ask my aunt as she was disgusted by the whole thing.

When I turned 17 my mom and dad finally divorced. mother moved to ohio and I moved in with grandma. It was the first time in years I felt happy but I was always in fear that she would come back and take me. I couldn't wait to turn 18 and move out on my own.

So I did. Fast forward a few years, when I got pregnant and I told my mom, she said she would not accept a baby who was not muslim and a bastard (I was not married to dh then and we are both non muslims)

she called dh a million times to reconcile. dh said we should let her have a relationship with our dd and I gave in. you see, my mother had a horrible childhood and was abused, abandoned by her own mom and so I gave her many chances. But after what happened a few months ago, I too have divorced my mom

After a conflict about money (she thinks I should support her although she has a job of her own and is self sufficient and we have a new baby and cannot afford to give her money) she left me the nastiest message calling me a slut, alcoholic, a drug addict who would burn in hell.

I WILL NO LONGEr take this emotional abuse. She played with my head enough when I was younger and I often came to school and would run to the bathroom to cry. I will no longer allow that to happen. ever.
post #87 of 94
post #88 of 94
Congrats to all the new beginnings! I wish you all peace.


I've been enjoying my "freedom" from my mother for a couple of months now. I've even been somewhat supported by my siblings. Sadly, it seems to be over. She's starting to manipulate my brother. Crying, twisting truths, making him feel bad and responsible for "fixing" things for her. So now he's bugging me. "She's hurting, call her. Dont be stubborn, call her".
I've been hurting for years with no one to help me heal. I'm not stubborn, I just had to make a choice to keep myself and family safe. But, he's just not getting it. Sigh. Wish me luck in this next chapter......
post #89 of 94
To all of those on this post

I'm sorry that we had such f*cked up people that raised us. Unfortunately, we had no choice.

FWIW, I too had a horrible childhood, both parents (alcoholic dad, psycho mom) extremely abusive, (bloody noses, broken ribs, bruises, welts, gun held my head). As the oldest of 3, I bore the brunt of all of the abuse. As a matter of fact, when my sister came to visit last weekend, she crumpled into my arms after "one too many" and just cried calling me her mama because I took care of them and shielded them as best as I could from all of the abuse.

Fast forward 20 years...I now have a young family of my own (dd#1 4yrs, ds 3yrs, and dd#2 4mons) and I now get to be the parent that I always wished I had. I now have the control.

I also have the control as to what kind of access I will allow my children to have to my parents.

I learned about 10 years ago, to accept them for the incredibly flawed people that they are and to stop hoping for them to be the parent that I would want them to be. IT WAS JUST NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!

However, in the darkness of the night, I still long for parents...someone whose arms that I can crumple into when things are rough. Someone who is always there, not hot and cold, for me for whatever I need.

I am T I R E D of being the super-responsible one that takes care of everyone (my children, husband, sisters, friends, business relationships) etc. and for once would like to be the child.

I sometimes silently resent my children for the security they have in my arms... I know that sounds totally f*cked up, but I sometimes resent them because I never knew what that felt like and I wish I could somehow siphon it from them and let it wash over me for awhile.

I sometimes fantasize about placing a "want ad" for parents. There are lots of childrenless couples in their late50-early60ish that would love to have me as a daughter and my children as grandchildren...I mean we are great!!! Who in their right mind wouldn't want us as family? Read the key words..."right mind"...

They have robbed enough from you...don't let them take anything more...take back your strength and control!!!

Lots of Love
post #90 of 94
Stay strong, Shenjall, and congratulations to all of you who have the courage to make fresh beginnings.

I have, of course, cut contact with my toxic father and written "Mail refused: return to sender" on the outside of any cards/checks I have received from him and put them back in the mail.

What really hurts is that I sent a copy of the email to my mother. She is the only person I have ever shown it to who didn't see anything wrong with it. She immediately changed the subject to the sonogram she recently had done on her dog's bladder because she didn't like the diagnosis of her regular vet or the emergency vet she took the dog to the preceeding Sunday.

This all came about a week after she warned me that it would be a "lean Christmas" because she didn't have much money.

I just wanted to warn all of you that I didn't get in this situation overnight; I actually had the courage to leave my toxic home at the age of fifteen, but about a year later I couldn't stand the thought of them worrying about me and not knowing whether I was alive or dead, so i re-established contact.

It's been that way pretty much ever since; I'm 41 now. They convinced me to change my major from music to English, they have ridiculed everything I ever ever cared about, offered money as a trojan horse, and ultimately cost me not only my dignity but the respect of my children.

I'm not sure if it's too late for me or not, but it's not too late for you. Please heed my warning and do what you need to do for your families and yourselves.
post #91 of 94
Thank you Spider.

And its not too late for you! We're here to give you strength.
post #92 of 94
noordinaryspider

I haven't had any contact since October's phone call stating that they weren't going to visit me. That was upon their return home.

It should be interesting. We're talking about moving, and if we do, we'll be in the same state, only about 3 hours away from them. I'm going to be very tempted to establish greater contact with my father and his family, but there's no way I can hide from my stepmother, which is too bad. I Really think I could have a relationship with the blood family members, if it weren't for the s.mom.
post #93 of 94
Thread Starter 
Bumping because it looks like there are some of you who might like to join us
post #94 of 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post

I have tried to live a life of love and STABLITY with my husband and children. But there are times I JUST WANT MY MOMMY. Then I snap out of it, realize that I AM the mommy now.
UGH, that breaks my heart, but it is where I have found myself a few times.

OH, where do I begin?!?! I have too much to tell ,I can;t even be brief. But I do have a story that would be at home in this thread. I'll be back.

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