Need impartial opinions re: guardians in case of death - Page 3

[Meg Murry.]

And to add to this, I think that continued mental and physical health past one's 60s is more possible than ever before, given good nutrition and good attention to cardiovascular/strength training. I don't think it's an exaggeration to claim that today's 60 is yesterday's 40.

[trmpetplaya]

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma

My first question for you would be are the people you are considering willing to become guardians should something happen to you? That said, I chose the Grandparents. The reasons are: their ages- they are mature, have already been parents for a while, one parent is home part time, travel opportunites, sounds like a stable loving home.

Option C is definitely out for me despite the rural setting which you favor. The fact that she has a history of mental illness and that they are fundamental Christian would kill it for me (nothing against people with mental illness or Christians but I would want a home that I know is going to be stable and I am also not Christian so would want my kids raised in a similar spiritual setting to that which I would provide).

Option A: they are both working full time. If they were able to have one parent stay home at least part time I would consider this one.

: Except that I'm a Christian so that factor would be fine with option C for me (though I disagree with many Christians... George Bush for one , but the mental illness would NOT be. Option A with both working full-time wouldn't work for me either. Option B seems to be the most stable option. If you're still around in ten years or so I would re-evaluate and THEN maybe make option A the first option, but at the present time I say B all the way

love and peace.

[lalaland42]

I picked couple A but I think couple B would be good as well. If it were me, couple C would be the last people on earth that I would pick.

I am in a bit of a similar situation as your DH. No one in my family would be a good choice for various reasons. DH wants his brother and SIL to be named guardians although I tend to prefer a good friend of ours who is unmarried and childless. There are two big reasons (OK three) that I prefer our friend over DH's brother & SIL. The first is they are not too ambitious in terms of education. DD would go to the local public school and whatever she does there would be her education. Second, they have kind of a chaotic life right now. They have a son who is 4 and they live with SIL's parents. I like her parents but there is some fighting there that will create chaos in DD's life. The last issue is that DH's brother tends toward the mainstream and I would prefer DD be raised with at least seeing alternative lifestyles. DH and his brother were raised together and their upbringing was very different from mine and I want DD to have an upbringing similar to my own.

Well, I gave in and am allowing DH to discuss the whole thing with his brother. My big thing is that I would like to discuss my areas of concern (tactfully as possible) with them and write down a bunch of stuff for DD. I am also trying to let go of control - while keeping in mind that I plan on not dying - and recognize that DD would be loved and cared for even if it is not the way I would want to raise her.

I have to go and finish DD's costume. Good luck with your DH.

[bczmama]

I think its clear to everyone that option C is not acceptable. I'm not sure why its not clear to your husband. Hobbies can't outweigh the potential instability of the C family. If he is concerned about your child having a relationship with his family and so forth, maybe a general understanding could be reached that while A or B would be the guardians, that your child would be able to spend a couple of weeks or a month during the summer with your brother in law's family.

[Linda on the move]

I would go for the couple that I felt was the most metally healthy and the most overall stable, which sounds like it would the the grandparents.

As far as your DH thinking C is a good option, has he considered that since she is fundy and you guys are not Christians, if you are dead she will tell your child that you are in hell? Ick! Who ever you pick will have to help get your child past your death, and someone with such completely different views would do a VERY poor job of it. Your child would end up needing a lot of therapy. Living in a rural area isn't worth living with crazy people.

I think both A and B are good options, but I would go with B because they are older and stable. Sorry, but I'm in my 40s and I think that people who are in the 40s (if they have used their time on the planet well!) have more patience and tend to make better decisions (having learned from all the not so great ones we made in our 20s and 30s). We've had more time to grow up!

Couple A sounds like a good option, but their situation will change and change again over the next few years. They will most likely have kids of their own, and they have a lot of hurdles to jump over in life (it sounds like they are still in the honey moon period.)

Still, I think it is great that you have 2 good options. We don't like ANY of our options.

[beanma]

i'm with A or B, too. B's age would not at all be a factor for me since i'm 42 with a 5 yr old and a almost 3 yr old. my parents were both 38 when i was born and i don't seem to have suffered any great harm from them taking me to college when they were 56. 60 would have been fine as well. they are in their 80s now and my dad is not in good health, but my mom is in pretty good shape. dh's dad was in great shape, but died in his sleep at the age of 63. obviously you never know when somebody's going to die which is why you are doing this, but your dad's age would not be a deciding factor for me. i think your sister might be a good choice, too, but maybe you'd like to wait until she had kids to see how that would change her lifestyle (quit work, keep working and put kids in daycare, etc). i would not choose C. as far as the "divorce" factor, well your dh married you didn't he? and your sister presumably had the same upbringing as you so i don't think that should be a factor at all.

hth

our choices aren't great. dh's brother isn't stable, his sister's health is poor and she has one special needs child and one grown son with health issues. my brother and SIL live in the same town we do, but he gives me all sorts of crappy parenting advice and doesn't demonstrate patience and gentleness. they have no children and are older than we are (50s). my sister and BIL (also older, but late 40s) have two teenagers and are pretty mainstream, but gentle, very soccer mom, but they live about 5 hrs away. i think we would pick them, but it's hard. dh and i have talked about it, but never formalized it. it would be hard to uproot dds from their town and friends, but i'm just not sure that my brother would be a good fit for them. of course, we hope it never comes down to any of it, but there you go.

[talk de jour]

C sounds scary as hell -- remember Andrea Yates? Fundamentalist, mentally ill mom living in the country? Yeah, thought so. Anyway... A or B both sound great. I don't really have a preference. And to whoever said the teenage son might abuse your dc?! WTF?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by beanma

. my sister and BIL (also older, but late 40s) have two teenagers and are pretty mainstream, but gentle, very soccer mom

The cruchy/mainstream thing seems to blur a bit as the kids get older. The couple we are considering (good friends) didn't seem at all crunchy when our kids were babies/toddlers. The mom BF for only a short time, they didn't co-sleep, and they weren't totally GD. As the kids get older, though, some of those things aren't issues. Their kids (and ours) are all school aged now and we parent in a similar way -- lots of time together as a family, emotionally supportive and stable, etc. She's a SAHM and is all about her kids. I'm sure their kids feel loved and supported.

It isn't ideal, of course, but my family is nuts and my DH is from another country (he wants the girls to stay here if anything happens to us).