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She did what?!?! (poop)

post #1 of 83
Thread Starter 
Okay, I don't even know where to post this. Diapering, step families, or here? I don't know.
Several hours ago my dp and I were awakened by his daughter (7) knocking at the door(we lock our bedrm door). She said she pooped. In her room.
We come out, and the stench is horrible. After we investigate and all his said and done we see that she pooped on her bedrm floor(and she has *nice* carpet in there!) and the proceeded to try to hide it by smearing it with her hands. She rubbed it onto a lot of her toys too. Sick!
My baby(our baby, 6mo, an angel in the midst of this chaos) started crying so I went to him. Dp starts scrubbing at the poop in the rug(after I made it clear I was not going to get stuck cleaining his daugter's feces out of the rug. I would be happy if he relinquished custody of her). He emerges from her stinky room to tell me we might have to replace the carpet because it's not coming up(did I mention I own the house?). He ended up calling his mom at a loss of how to clean this(at 3am) and then went to Walmart for OxyClean for Carpets "Just for Pets" edition. He used the whole bottle and still needs more. He started bagging up her toys and clothes that have poop on them and they will go to the garbage(I'm not touching it! and he won't clean it...so it's trash)
We sprayed Lysol in the air all over the second floor.

Yes she is in counseling. Yes she sees a child psychologist. Yes she has seen a dr and the dr doesn't see a reason for this to happen. She has pooped in pants twice before while playing on a playground because she "didn't want to stop playing".
The reason dp is not with her mother in anymore is that her mother is into porn and "DP" porn into particular(no that doesn't stand for Dear Partner. If you don't know what that means then don't find out but God knows it's sick and nasty. It's a variety of porn). It's possible the mother has sodomized the girl. I don't know what to do!!

I guess I'm looking for pity??
Advice on removing human feces that have been smeared into (not sitting on top of) the rug??
Should I stay in this situation??
Wonder if he can even legally give up custody of her(which he almost wants to do)?
post #2 of 83
So I couldn't read this and not respond. I'm going to try to be nice, so if it comes off a little harsh I apologize.

This is his child. For all that it sounds like merging your families is difficult she was his obligation and joy before he met you. I presume that you knew that he had a child, correct? If her mother is unfit (and I don't believe that her occupation necessarily makes her so, though if your accusation of molestation is true then of course she would be an unfit parent) she should not return to live with her mother. As a stepparent what I can tell you is that until the day comes where you feel like that child is your own you fake it. She probably knows that you don't want her there, you suspect that she was molested by her own mother and you don't understand why she might have behavior problems? And to top it all off she's 7, that's still little. Heck I know children who have just weaned at 7 and I would say that given her circumstances a little emotional immaturity is justified.

On a practical note when my son got his diaper off we used a strong solution of oxy clean powder (2-3 scoops in 2 cups hot water) and that took poop out of my white living room carpet.
post #3 of 83
Originally Posted by waterbaby9503 View Post
My baby(our baby, 6mo, an angel in the midst of this chaos)
I'm not doubting that your 6 mo is an angel, but your dp's 7 yo deserves to be someone's angel too.
post #4 of 83
Dealing with a child who smears feces can be very trying. Try to sit back and take a deep breath. She is 7. Right now (compared to your 6 month old) seven seems much more grown up than it really is, and that makes the situation feel even worse. The not-so-great news is that many toddlers go through a similar phase, so you may very well get to experience this at least a few more times before your own little one is out of diapers.

Rent a capet cleaner for about $20-$30. In my experience this is the only way to get the smell out. Until you get the carpet cleaner, spray (not pour) a little straight pine-sol on the areas. Odo Ban also works wonders.

There is not a reason in the world that will make you feel better about what has happened, no matter how valid the reason may be. You may never know exactly why this has happened. It sounds like she has experienced things that even an adult should not have to deal with in her short lifetime and she needs your understanding even though it may be the hardest thing that you ever do. Please, please, please get into counseling w/your dh & make sure to tell them exactly how you are feeling about the situation. It isn't good for you, the child, your 6 month old, or your dh to be in a situation where there is so much resentment.

A word of advice - take it or leave it - do not encourage your dh to give up custody of his child no matter how bad things get. If he is willing to give up his child for the sake of peace, it would only make giving up another important relationship (you) in the future for the very same reason (should your relationship ever become strained) that much easier for him. His daughter needs him badly, and he needs your support so that he can be there for her.

If it were your child doing this with some other woman as his step-mom, how you would want her to react to the situation? How would it make your child feel to live in a situation where he must sense that he is not really wanted, not right? You would want this other person to treat your child kindly and to try to work through the problem. Not saying that it will be easy, but you can do it. I have a child who periodically smears his feces in the carpet, on walls, furniture, toys and clothes, and just thinking about what must be triggering the behavior makes my heart hurt. He feels so much shame when he does it, and even though I have replaced carpet that I couldn't afford to replace and feel so angry when he does it I know that he can't help it. If she has other behavioral problems, my guess is that she just can't help herself.
post #5 of 83
Originally Posted by waterbaby9503 View Post
I would be happy if he relinquished custody of her
Ignoring everything else in this post for a moment I have to say I am saddened by this. When you got into this relationship with her dad you presumably knew about the girl. It's a package deal and you cannot and should not expect him to give up his DAUGHTER for you. If anyone ever suggested I "reliquish custody" of my ds for any reason their butt would be kicked to the curb so fast they wouldn't know what happened. Sorry to be so blunt, but I am shocked someone could be so mean to a little girl (who, according to your post, may have gone through some horrible horrible stuff).
post #6 of 83
I think the OP needs to seriously examine her attitude in this whole thing. It is just poop. It is just carpet. However, the little girl is not an "it". She is a human being who is hurting so deeply she is unable to express it.

I am sorry she isn't as convenient as you would like, but that is parenthood. In fact, parenthood will likely be much grosser than that...you will be puked on, bleed on, peed on, and, yes, pooped on. Yes, it sucks, but I can't even fathom shaming a child like that over it. You are going to seriously damage that child for life if you don't pull yourself together and be the grown up.

What would I do in this situation? Well, first, I would hug her, try and talk to her and see if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. Take her to counceling, go to counceling yourself, go into family counceling to figure out how to become a healthy family since you obviously aren't able to do it on your own.

And, the easiest thing you can do that will show her you care...walk your butt out to the garage and fix her toys for her. Making it a battle between you and your dh as to who will clean it is demeaning and childish. It has no place in a healthy relationship or an adult mindset.
post #7 of 83
An apt adage:
It is when kids are the hardest to love that they need it the most.
post #8 of 83
Originally Posted by Jennifer Z View Post
An apt adage:
It is when kids are the hardest to love that they need it the most.
Most all of us here in the Special Needs forum know about how hard it can be sometimes. I have also cleaned poop out of the carpet that my dd dug out of her butt and smeared. It is scary because you don't know why they are doing it and it is gross for sure, but once you talk to someone and find out that a lot of kids do it, for different reasons, at different ages.

When dd did that I asked her why she did it (by the way she was 8 years old at the time). She didn't answer me, but I picked her up, took off her clothes and put her in the bathtub. I washed her up like I would have any other time. It was not fun, but I understadn that there are parts of parenting that really are no fun at all.
I covered the carpet with a towel, because we have animals, and when her bath was over and she was dressed I put her in front of the TV and began working on the carpet. I never said anything more to her about it. During her bath I did tell her things like "if you have to poop you can tell me", etc. but I didn't say too much because I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I talked to her therapist about it the next time we went.

Also, toys dd has slept with have been peed on more than once and thrown up on more than once. Whatever is able to be bleached goes in a bucket or bathtub with bleach water. Only if it is unable to be washed, like a stuffed animal that can't be washed, do I ever throw something away. That would be like punishment to her for something she cannot help.

I, myself was physiclly and sexually abused as a child and I know what that is like. I also know what it is like to have parents who fight about you, in front of you and how much shame you feel. Kids who are the hardest to love really do need your love the most....and if you can't muster love you could at least give them some compassion and care. If you can't even fake having any compassion for this child you should get out of the relationship. If you cannot see past her behavior then you must distance yourself from her father so that maybe he can see the positive in her, when you are not there to point out all her "short comings".

I know you were looking for pity, you said, but I think you should, as a PP mentioned, re-read your post and think about what it would be like if you were reading someone elses post like that or how you would feel if someone was talking about your child like that.

Dealing with some of these behaviors really does make you feel like you are on the edge sometimes and you don't know what to do. It is good to have some resources (therapists, supportive, positive friends, etc.) that you can use when you feel like that. It's that hard for those of us who are very attached to our own children, so I know it must be even harder with someone elses child who you are not attached to.

Please get some help with this situation.
post #9 of 83
This thread has a bit of a competative feel to it. I'll bite. Yesterday, my daughter smeared *me* with dog poop. The worst part is that I thought it was mud and I tried to wipe it off with my hands. Do I win?

But the next morning, I think it just a funny parenting thing. I am over it.

Originally Posted by Jennifer Z View Post
An apt adage:
It is when kids are the hardest to love that they need it the most.
This is soooo true. We all get angry with our special needs children. My family needed to seek out therapy to deal with our anger. But I know that as I work my way through the bad emotions, I realize my little girl needs so much love. I can only hope the OP is working her way through her anger to get to a better place.
post #10 of 83
Originally Posted by waterbaby9503 View Post
I guess I'm looking for pity??
Should I stay in this situation??

First off I am really trying to be nice. You should not stay because you obviously have no idea how to treat this little girl with compassion which is what she needs.

Of course your 6 month old is an angel all children are angels at ALL ages. I am sure your attitude that your 6 month old is an angel is very obvious to the 7 year old and doesn't help any issues that she has.

Kids aren't convient and you will find that out when you "angel" gets older. So if you want convience don't have anymore children and get some fish.
post #11 of 83
simply love her.
post #12 of 83
Originally Posted by gurumama View Post
I am glad to read that the 7 yo is in counseling. You need to be in counseling as well. Immediately.

This is it exactly. Call today and make an appointment for yourself and your DP.
post #13 of 83
I would take a serious look at your personal character, and your DP's, as well if you view a 7 year old girl as disposable because she has issues stemming from possible abuse and has had a few poop accidents. It is absolutely within the realm of normal for all kids at some point to have accidents like the one you are describing, it isn't unusual, and for you to write what you did is unthinkable that you would identify yourself as an attached parent.

Attached parenting doesn't stop with only your biochildren, it includes stepchildren and all children that you welcome into your life. It means loving them, even during the trying times. It means making their physical and emotional needs a priority, and treating them with respect and dignity. All I can hope is that your family and can attend counseling, and you can be the type of family this little girl and your son needs.
post #14 of 83
Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 View Post
This thread has a bit of a competative feel to it. I'll bite. Yesterday, my daughter smeared *me* with dog poop. The worst part is that I thought it was mud and I tried to wipe it off with my hands. Do I win?
Oh ya, well one time.......... Just kidding
post #15 of 83
I love you guys.

I read this when it was first posted, and was really upset by it. I've been sad about the little girl, and the whole situation, and wondered if anyone would comment.

I'm so thrilled by all your responses.
post #16 of 83
Ditto that hala. Geez, y'all were so nice and diplomatic. My response would just be filled with UAviolations. :

Poor kid. It must suck to be a kid desperately in need of love and understanding only to have the adults in your life treat you like a burden and like you are "defective." Thank God my son was born to me and my dh. I shudder to think of what his life would be like with some other families since he's not a little "angel" all the time, and he's "imperfect" since he's got autism and all....

Oh and btw....just prepare yourself, 'cause 6 month old angels turn into whirling dervish toddlers when you're not looking.
post #17 of 83
I feel really sick to my stomach and sad for that little girl. How horrible for her to feel like she has no one to turn to and no one to love her. It's possible that she is doing anything (including smearing poop) as a cry for help and attention. Instead of discarding her things, they need to be cleaned or replaced. You had to have known dp had a child that had issues. You should not have continued a relationship if you weren't willing to take on every aspect. Should you stay in this relationship? NO. Get out now, before you hurt her anymore. And get some counseling yourself.
post #18 of 83
I am hoping that the op's eyes are opened by these responses. I, too, read this when it was initially posted--and my heart just sank for that little girl.

About the locked bedroom door.....where does ds sleep? I am assuming with you, in your room. So is dd the only one locked out of the room? That lock is specifically meant to keep her out? How awful

I am horrified that dh is considering relinquishing custody. Please, please do not encourage dh to abandon her. Leave if you must, but let her keep her father. She needs him more than you do. She is seven years old.
post #19 of 83
I have removed several posts from this thread which were violating the User Agreement. Specifically:
You are expected to avoid the following when you post:

1. Posting in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, namecalling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.
Please remember that even though we may not agree with the OP we do still need to post in a respectful manner. Take this opportunity to teach and guide, gently. Thanks!
post #20 of 83
My 7 year old poops his pants several times a month. He still sleeps in our room fairly often as well. I feel really bad for this little girl.
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