She did what?!?! (poop) - Page 2

[Individuation]

OK, now that we've all posted our sympathies for the child (which I think entirely appropriate) I got to thinking of ways to help the OP. Having a special-needs child AND a six month old is pretty stressful.

There are some things that should stop immediately--stop disparaging her mother around her (no matter what kind of porn she does), treat her and her things with respect, etc.

However, is there any way you could get a little more help? Maybe have someone come in and professionally clean the house, carpets and DD's things? Let your husband take care of the baby for an evening and do something fun with your DSD? Try to get to know her?

If you're feeling close to the end of your rope, I'm sure you can find people to help you out, even here on MDC (let me know if you're in NYC, and I'll come help your little girl with her homework while you spend some one-on-one with the baby, for example).

I for one really didn't mean to jump in and attack, but the attitude in the original post was Really Not Okay, and the OP should know that. That said, let's help her find practical solutions to help the family.

[MillingNome]

ITA with whoever said to simply love her. She is a part of your dp. And if anything he should be going after more fulltime custody (if things bad things are happening on dsd's mom's end). Kids are highly in tune to when they are getting snubbed. Try to keep all communication she can hear positive. I'm guessing she heard or could have heard you telling dp she's his kids and you weren't going to be dealing with the mess. It can be hard to be "nice" at three in the morning but she'll remember.

I would recommend going to some family couseling too. Even if it is only a few session, it can help sort out some of the issues going on.

As for the carpet, rent a carpet cleaner. Cleaning bodily waste is the worst part of this pareting gig, imo!

[afishwithabike]

Could the toys and clothes be washed in the washer. I am really saddened by the thought of her losing some of her things. She has already lost so much. Please try the counseling. I think it would be a GREAT idea for family counseling. Plus it will show the girl that everybody is supporting her. PLUS then you can get the support you need in order to see if you can stick around or move on to something different.

[antannie]

I agree with a fish with a bike (and most of the rest of you too) She is likely feeling punished now. Just Love her and what JenniferZ said about being needed most. Also I agree with fake it. 7 is young and obviously she has been truamatized. Not being loved or wanted makes it worse! Give her help to develop skills for next time. "we won't be mad. Just come and get us so we can help." You said she tried to hide it. Sounds like she tried to fix it which means she was really worried.

I think you need some counselling help. You sound very angry and hateful to her. You can work through that if you want too and pushing your partner to give up his child can never have a happy result for your relationship.

GOod luck

[srmina]

I think I would poop in my pants if nobody loved me too. I'd probably be doing a whole lot worse.

Please take this as an opportunity to help this 7yo. She is at a crossroads right now. With love and support, she can turn out to be a wonderful human being. Without it, she could turn into something much worse. She is probably doing this because she is aching so much for attention and love. Please give her that love. Find the strength within yourself.

Trust me, I know having special needs kids is not easy. I know bodily waste well. My dd has thrown up every day for 3.5 years straight, usually on me. And she pooped on me several times a day for weeks when she had sepsis. Was it disgusting? Yes. Could she help it? No. Clean everything up without a word or punishment and consider strongly making her room carpet-free.

[1boy1girl]

Originally Posted by Jennifer Z

I think the OP needs to seriously examine her attitude in this whole thing. It is just poop. It is just carpet. However, the little girl is not an "it". She is a human being who is hurting so deeply she is unable to express it.

I am sorry she isn't as convenient as you would like, but that is parenthood. In fact, parenthood will likely be much grosser than that...you will be puked on, bleed on, peed on, and, yes, pooped on. Yes, it sucks, but I can't even fathom shaming a child like that over it. You are going to seriously damage that child for life if you don't pull yourself together and be the grown up.

What would I do in this situation? Well, first, I would hug her, try and talk to her and see if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. Take her to counceling, go to counceling yourself, go into family counceling to figure out how to become a healthy family since you obviously aren't able to do it on your own.

And, the easiest thing you can do that will show her you care...walk your butt out to the garage and fix her toys for her. Making it a battle between you and your dh as to who will clean it is demeaning and childish. It has no place in a healthy relationship or an adult mindset.

ICAM!

[1boy1girl]

Originally Posted by Finch

Ditto that hala. Geez, y'all were so nice and diplomatic. My response would just be filled with UAviolations. :

Poor kid. It must suck to be a kid desperately in need of love and understanding only to have the adults in your life treat you like a burden and like you are "defective." Thank God my son was born to me and my dh. I shudder to think of what his life would be like with some other families since he's not a little "angel" all the time, and he's "imperfect" since he's got autism and all....

Oh and btw....just prepare yourself, 'cause 6 month old angels turn into whirling dervish toddlers when you're not looking.

This too. BTW, I miss you Finch.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by 1boy1girl

This too. BTW, I miss you Finch.

Aw, thanks. I miss you too.

[lolalola]

This saddens me :

I really hope the OP heeds the advice of the posters on this thread. This child needs your kindness. Please get some support for your family. This is a child who is at risk.

[paganmum]

I have to agree with the others about having to calm down before even thinking about posting.
This child needs loves and a butt load of it at that. (doh! no pun intended!!!)
I can not imagine how this child feels! She heard you tell her father that you wouldn't touch the mess and that it was up to him. WOW!

My special needs child is 5yo. The biggest thing that any therapist has told us is that if a child is trying to hide something it is because they know that what happend it wrong and are scared! It explained *so* much about some of the behavior that Dd shows after she's done something and we find out. It's not easy to deal with but it's something that has to be done as calmly as possible or things will only be worse next time, at least for us. My Dd likes to cut things up, which is a lot more potentially harmful then pooping, she has hidden injuries to try and cover up the fact that she was cutting up paper with what ever from which ever out of reach location. Carpet can be replaced, but fingers, ears or self worth aren't as easy to replace. The damage that was done before we knew that there was anything going on with our Dd is only *just* starting to mend, and it might not ever completely mend. My Dd has *tons* of emotional and self esteem issues that we may never be able to figure out how to deal with unless she can find a way to tell us what we need to know. So until then it is all damage control.
Your 6mo will grow up over time. If all goes well your 6mo wil be perfectly healthy and have absolutely no issues that need dealing with. But even then that same child will learn how to climb, make messes, hide messes and be a challenge. Parenting isn't easy in any way shape or form. But, we can not take our frustrations out on children especially if they already have issues. They know when they aren't wanted and aren't loved and it will only make things worse. Her father should not have to give her up. He is her father and if he has had the balls to take on her challenges then he has every right to keep her. He has bigger ones then most men I've known.
AS the others have said you need to seek out counseling if you are going to stay in this relationship. I would also suggest doing a lot of research and reading about children who are where your DSD is and the causes and treatments avalible. But, by no means tell you SO to get rid of his child.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

It took me a while to calm down after reading the initial post, as well. My heart really went out to your poor DSD. It shocked and saddened me that anyone could respond so selfishly to a child crying out for help.

But then I wondered if there is more to this child's needs than are evident in the first post. Why do you lock the door to your room? Is DSD a danger to you or the baby? Her history sounds very traumatic. Does she have Reactive Attachment Disorder?

If she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, I can (sort of) begin to understand how angry and hostile you feel towards her. If she has attachment issues, her behavior will be designed to make you feel this way. She will do whatever she can do to make sure you reject her. She is very nearly succeeding, it sounds like.

If she has an attachment disorder and you are going to remain in her life, it is imperative that you get into family counseling with her so that you do not make her get worse. She might be difficult to love but it is critical that you find a way to love her.

For starters, as for locking your bedroom door, this sends the message that you are protecting yourselves FROM her. Locking her out. Instead of sending the message you are protecting her, as well. Why don't you put a door alarm on her door so that you know when she leaves her room (if she is dangerous or will place herself in danger) and leave your door open and unlocked, so that she knows you are accessible and she is welcome?

I have alot more to say about attachment issues, but I'd like to know if the OP is still reading this thread and is interested in establishing a better relationship with DSD.

[Finch]

I really would like to hear what the OP has to say to all our responses.

[MillingNome]

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[hairstylist]

I just read this post for the first time and it really brought tears to my eyes. This is an INNOCENT child in a situation that she has no control over in being in. She did not ask to be placed into a family with an "unfit" mother. This child needs LOVE LOVE LOVE more than anything, so please offer her your heart. She needs a "GREAT" mother figure in her life and apparently it is not going to be the BIO mother. So why dont you step up and be that positive female figure for her.

[hairstylist]

My heart goes out to you, your husband, and that little girls mother. It is not the childs fault. I will keep your family and situation in my prayers.

[kraftykathy]

i know most people here don't want to seem harsh or judgemental, but this is the special needs forum and the fact is that many of us have dealt with more 'messy' situations than the average parent. many of our children have/had great difficulties learning to use the potty, often way beyond the toddler years. many of us have dealt with our children doing things that were very hard to make sense of, destructive, messy, possibly embarrasing. but guess what? we still find them completely and wholely loveable and deserving of that love. they are OUR angels despite the chaos they might bring into our lives.

everyone of us, especially every child deserves to feel completely accepted and unconditionally loved.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by kraftykathy

i know most people here don't want to seem harsh or judgemental, but this is the special needs forum and the fact is that many of us have dealt with more 'messy' situations than the average parent. many of our children have/had great difficulties learning to use the potty, often way beyond the toddler years. many of us have dealt with our children doing things that were very hard to make sense of, destructive, messy, possibly embarrasing. but guess what? we still find them completely and wholely loveable and deserving of that love. they are OUR angels despite the chaos they might bring into our lives.

everyone of us, especially every child deserves to feel completely accepted and unconditionally loved.

Very well said, mama.

[momslittleangel]

You can not see this right now but I have tears in my eyes for this innnocent little girl who did nothing wrong but poop.i apoligize if this sounds harsh but.... well WHAT R U THINKING?!?!? a child is a gift like no other and they desereve love no matter what age! And thowing her toys away is just wrong because you or your husband wont clean them. Go out to the garage and clean them together you, your partner, dd, and even your little angel .u should try spending some quality time with her make HER feel LOVED. Giving up custudy to a mother who possibly showes her porn is just as bad as showing it to her yourself. I being the mother of 5 2 step 3 mine (Diana 12, Joe 5,Nicole 3monthes, Nick 7, and Lily 10 ) had to deal with it I simpily told her shes to old and tomarrow Daddy,Mommy, and u r going to clean the mess up, and if u do a good job u can pick out a new toy at the store she slept with us after I gave her a bath and put all the kids bk to sleep. We called punishing rewards (try goo be gone works wonders not stuff for pets shes not an animal!). That little girl not being loved on eighther mom or dads side I feel bad for and i feel even worse for her when u call HER an it and ur baby an angel.
To sum this up give her love not a custody battle were no1 wants her!!!! and try calling her an angel once in a wile

[talk de jour]

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[Individuation]

Waterbaby, if these responses sound really judgemental please take them in the spirit they're meant--we're concerned for the child.

I for one would really like you to post again, because I'm a bit worried about the little girl and was hoping for an update.

If you're still reading this thread, please don't let the intensity and feeling of the responses keep you from posting. There's a lot of potential good advice on this board for your situation.