She did what?!?! (poop) - Page 3

[momslittleangel]

ok let me say im very sorry for wat i said it was just i felt and still feel the child is not loved and possibly being abused she needs hugs and kisse not harsh words.my advice go to counceling (family). u no what fake the love till u dont have to and its real. like great thumper ( from bambi) said if u cant say anythin nice : dont say anything at all at all! once again im srry i just had to express my self this little girl needs unconditional more than the usual child love her like it sound u love your son!

[USAmma]

I am posting as a mother, not a mod here . .

When someone is not that experienced with older children-- special needs or not-- certain things seem really shocking or repulsive. Motherhood is about maturing along with your child. I think the OP may be inexperienced with older children who do occasionally have accidents. I mean, we have all had to clean up poop and vomit and other things and we do it because we love our children uncondionally. We raised them and they are part of us. It must be difficult for a step-parent, who may not have much emotional bonding with the little girl yet, or experience with children past the baby stage, to deal with this situation.

I am not going to support the attitude she has, but she came here for help and we need to give her help-- and maybe a gentle reality check. One of these days her baby is going to grow up and poop in the tub or take off his diaper and smear it for fun, or poop his pants in the grocery store. And she will look back on this experience and realize that maybe she was overreacting.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Please also consider getting help in the step-parenting forum here at MDC. I have a step parent and I truly love that person but they were really, really late getting in the game as far as being an okay step-parent. That lag not only influenced our relationship but the relationship they had with their partner AND their own kids. Trust me, gather all the love, support and personal responsibility left in you during this time. If you don’t do it now this will ALWAYS be there and it won’t just be this child who knows you dropped the ball but your husband and your own angle baby.

You gotta make it right. Now.
u

[Igraine]

When I first started to read the op, I immediately thought, this little girl has an abuse history.

Heart breaking and very challenging. I like what USAmma had to say about older children and maturing with your child. Step-children are not often allowed that relationship maturation.

I, too, hope the op comes back to respond. For the mamas who have posted strong, passionate responses... it is all out of care and concern for this little girl who did not choose to have a mom who would either abuse her or allow others to abuse her.

And just because the little girl is in counseling, sees doctors... these things take time to heal. I am a social worker and work with emotionally disturbed children. This type of issue is common with children who have been abused. From the op it seemed like the little girl has done this three times..in a week...month... since she has been coming to your home? This makes a difference. I know one family my program is working with has a very serious issue with their child. We are looking into going to a Bowel Specialist. Apparently when kids continuously have fecal incontinence something gets messed up physiologically. A regular doctor probably would not be able to detect this. But if this behavior has only happened a few times, then I believe it is behavior. As one of the previous posters stated...this little girl knows how you feel about her. Kids are so perceptive and this maybe her only way to handle the situation.

Please come back and let everyone know how you and your family are doing.

[waterbaby9503]

UPDATE

The child psychologist just called. She thinks the girl is bipolar in addition to having R.A.D. So she will be getting medication.
Just yesterday we took to the the pool. She didn't want to get out when it was time. She threw a huge fit. She started biting herself and taking off her swimsuit. She scratched herself(we photographed these marks when we got hm so that it is known that SHE did this). We also called her kiddie shrink for an emergency appt.
I am so glad she will be getting a sedative.

In response to posts, DP was consulting with a lawyer about relinquishing her right before he got custody. I was actually against it at that time and wanted him to wait a little longer. Relinquishing her was his idea from the start. Now that he has her he is trying to make it work. Other ideas are signing her over to his parents(who do want her and have expressed interest in exercising Grandparent's Rights)

PRAISE GOD FOR OXYCLEAN! About 5 hours of scrubbing did it. Plus a room deoderizing candle. And leaving the windows open with fans on for several days. It really really stunk and the smell got into the fabrics in the rm.

TO THOSE WHO SAY I DON'T KNOW MUCH: THat's true! I am 20 y/o! I almost have an associate's degree. I go to classes at night when dp can watch the baby. I don't have much experience with older kids, just a lot with babies from being in the church nursery.

I am considering moving out. When dp sends her off to her mother out of state for the summer(per court order) I could live with him again. But I don't want my baby seeing all this chaos. When she has fits, she screams bloody murder, like someone is breaking her arm. The usual cause of this: she lost a toy or she can't find a matching pair of socks. Low sensory thresh hold. Low frustration thresh hold. I know how much children are shaped in their first two years. That is why I really really want dp to be in his life bc he is a good father to him. I don't want him to experience all of this chaos(for fear it will damage him similarly to the way this girl has been screwed over)

Yes, she has kicked my 6 mo old in the head before. She has tried to pick up his car seat (detatchable infant carrier part) and dump him out in the parking lot(THAT was my first sign that she was not normal). Luckily he was strapped in. He was terrified (and so was I) and I was furious towards the girl. SHe is very jealous and very passive aggressive toward him.
Also, I will coo to him "momma loves you baby" and when she hears this she says "no you don't" or "I love baby more than you do" or "babies are bad".

So THANK YOU to the momma's who understand that I am frustrated but human too. I am really thinking of separating from dp and his child for the sake of my baby. If I didn't have my baby I would def stay, help, and work with the situation. But if Josh (baby) is harmed by this, I would NEVER forgive myself. I have to make a choice I can live with. There are many obstacles to moving out once you have consolidated into one household....so we'll see.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I agree with you that it is very dangerous to have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder living in the same house with an infant (or pets, if you have any). I understand now why you have a lock on your bedroom door.

This child needs to be an only child in a highly controlled environment with two (or more) loving, committed, and above all, extremely strong and resilient adults. Maybe the grandparents can provide this for her.

[paganmum]

Waterbaby,

I am sorry if I might have come off strong in my first post. I was going on what little information I had from your post. I'm am sorry if I sounded like I was harsh. I tried to be as open minded as I could.

Knowing now what you have posted in your update. I can see where you are comming from. If the girl isn't just being given up to the state and will be staying within the family then I can completely see the logic of this. If the grandparents are in a better position to care for her then maybe it should be given a shot. It does sound like she needs to be the only child in a home with two parental figures who can keep a close eye on her instead of having to split their time between her and another child. If she is hurtful towards herself and others then it would probly be in her best intrests to live with other family members.

I feel for the position you and your DP are in.

I still recomend lots of reading, as you will most likely be around her at least here and there if she goes to live with her grandparents. Knowledge can do a lot to at least help you see her side of it. I also still recomend counseling for yourself as this has to be very stressful and it might help you keep things straight on your end, as to how best to act in the intrestes of you baby and your relationship with DP and DSD.

(((hugs)))

[momma of monkeys]

Oh my momma...you are so young...and I am sure that this is very overwhelming...I have an almost 7 yr old ds...who has lots of sensory issues, his dx (for now) is adjustment disorder, he exhibits alot of bipolar tendencies....and yes, he sometimes smears feces on things and a few times I have had to go to his school to take him clean pants...it's yucky but he is a child and doesn't need me or my SO making him feel worse about it.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time....but try to imagine what your dsd is going through...nobody wants her...and that is :
If your infant is in danger, by all means, do something about it.
One of the things we have started is a behavior coach, she comes to the house 1-2x per week and goes to ds's school 1x per week. This is helping immensely.
Please though, I know you are having a hard time with her, I know you are frustrated and at your wits end....please don't throw her away...please...no matter what her dx/issues she is just a little girl...I will pray for you and your family that you find some answers...

[USAmma]

I have removed some more posts due to breaking this rule of the User Agreement:

Posting in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, namecalling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

I realize that you may not agree with this person or their feelings or position. You may express your opinion if you can do it without breaking the UA.

Thank you.

[afishwithabike]

Originally Posted by momma of monkeys

Oh my momma...you are so young...and I am sure that this is very overwhelming...I have an almost 7 yr old ds...who has lots of sensory issues, his dx (for now) is adjustment disorder, he exhibits alot of bipolar tendencies....and yes, he sometimes smears feces on things and a few times I have had to go to his school to take him clean pants...it's yucky but he is a child and doesn't need me or my SO making him feel worse about it.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time....but try to imagine what your dsd is going through...nobody wants her...and that is :
If your infant is in danger, by all means, do something about it.
One of the things we have started is a behavior coach, she comes to the house 1-2x per week and goes to ds's school 1x per week. This is helping immensely.
Please though, I know you are having a hard time with her, I know you are frustrated and at your wits end....please don't throw her away...please...no matter what her dx/issues she is just a little girl...I will pray for you and your family that you find some answers...

The behavior coach is a GREAT idea. It can help out in many ways. One of which being that the child will have somebody that they can connect with. Somebody that is there for just THEM. I hope this makes sense. I am sure she feels as though she isn't wanted. That DOES make it a bigger issue. I understand that you are doing your best but I think too if Grandma and Grandpa want her then go for it. In the meantime she still NEEDS to have a connection to somebody while her life continues to be uprooted all the time. I hope this makes sense. (((((HUGS)))))

[fierymyst]

Originally Posted by angela&avery

simply love her.

:

[bri276]

look I totally get what you're saying. I am a special needs mama and I am a huge proponent of attachment parenting. but I understand what it's like to live with someone else's child because before we moved, I lived in a duplex with my sister in law on the other side, she was 5 when I moved in and 8 when we moved out. I normally like kids, but this specific child absolutely GRATED on my nerves. Sometimes just being around her made me cringe inside. (this kid wasn't technically abused, but her family situation was so screwed up, and she smelled bad and her behavior was focused on getting attention at all times). And, I'm only 24.

The reason I'm telling you this is because you have to do what I did- FORCE yourself to do the right thing. No matter what, you are the adult in the situation and even though sometimes it almost seems like the child is consciously CHOOSING to act a way they know you don't like just to piss you off- really, it's because they have no tools to cope and deep down they want to feel LOVED. They want to feel like they are the most important person in their parents life.

I bet you would be shocked to find out how much that little girl loves you. I bet she actually wants you to be the mother she never had- that's where the jealousy of the baby is coming from. And I really hope that somewhere in your heart you can find a way to do that, because while it's wonderful that her grandparents want her, grandparents should be grandparents and parents should take responsibilty for their kids.

I don't know if sedation and medication is an appropriate way to deal with a kid who is acting out- first of all, I would get a second opinion on the bipolar disorder diagnosis immediately. It is very dangerous to start slapping labels and drugs on "problem children" just to control them for your convenience. Those drugs can have permanent affects on their brain and development. Child psychiatrists (except the great ones) are going to find a problem they can treat with a drug because that's their job, just like if you take a squeaky car to the mechanic, they're going to do something to fix it even if it's the wrong part they "fix".

Try try try to put your son in this child's position, like a previous poster said, think how you would feel if something happened to you and God forbid he was molested and abused and expressing his inner rage and hurt by acting out. Would you want someone to drug him, humiliate him, separate him from his dad? Or would you want them to take the responsiblity, even though it's a huge one, and do the best they possibly can for him? Please, read up on issues that children who have been thru trauma face, because even if she wasn't molested, she was taken from her mother and that in itself is a huge, traumatic event for any child. She's acting out for attention and love.

[momma2girls]

Originally Posted by waterbaby9503

UPDATE

The child psychologist just called. She thinks the girl is bipolar in addition to having R.A.D. So she will be getting medication.
Just yesterday we took to the the pool. She didn't want to get out when it was time. She threw a huge fit. She started biting herself and taking off her swimsuit. She scratched herself(we photographed these marks when we got hm so that it is known that SHE did this). We also called her kiddie shrink for an emergency appt.
I am so glad she will be getting a sedative.

In response to posts, DP was consulting with a lawyer about relinquishing her right before he got custody. I was actually against it at that time and wanted him to wait a little longer. Relinquishing her was his idea from the start. Now that he has her he is trying to make it work. Other ideas are signing her over to his parents(who do want her and have expressed interest in exercising Grandparent's Rights)

PRAISE GOD FOR OXYCLEAN! About 5 hours of scrubbing did it. Plus a room deoderizing candle. And leaving the windows open with fans on for several days. It really really stunk and the smell got into the fabrics in the rm.

TO THOSE WHO SAY I DON'T KNOW MUCH: THat's true! I am 20 y/o! I almost have an associate's degree. I go to classes at night when dp can watch the baby. I don't have much experience with older kids, just a lot with babies from being in the church nursery.

I am considering moving out. When dp sends her off to her mother out of state for the summer(per court order) I could live with him again. But I don't want my baby seeing all this chaos. When she has fits, she screams bloody murder, like someone is breaking her arm. The usual cause of this: she lost a toy or she can't find a matching pair of socks. Low sensory thresh hold. Low frustration thresh hold. I know how much children are shaped in their first two years. That is why I really really want dp to be in his life bc he is a good father to him. I don't want him to experience all of this chaos(for fear it will damage him similarly to the way this girl has been screwed over)

Yes, she has kicked my 6 mo old in the head before. She has tried to pick up his car seat (detatchable infant carrier part) and dump him out in the parking lot(THAT was my first sign that she was not normal). Luckily he was strapped in. He was terrified (and so was I) and I was furious towards the girl. SHe is very jealous and very passive aggressive toward him.
Also, I will coo to him "momma loves you baby" and when she hears this she says "no you don't" or "I love baby more than you do" or "babies are bad".

So THANK YOU to the momma's who understand that I am frustrated but human too. I am really thinking of separating from dp and his child for the sake of my baby. If I didn't have my baby I would def stay, help, and work with the situation. But if Josh (baby) is harmed by this, I would NEVER forgive myself. I have to make a choice I can live with. There are many obstacles to moving out once you have consolidated into one household....so we'll see.

If she has RAD and is 7 I would run with my baby far far away. This is her fathers problem to deal with not yours and you don't need your baby in the same house as a kid with RAD. BTDT. Never again. People probably will not like that I just said that but oh well. I will post more later when I have the time. Just wanted you to know that I know what it is like to live with a RAD kid. You have my sympathy.

You can pm me if you like. I could post a lot more but don't have the time. Will later.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by momma2girls

If she has RAD and is 7 I would run with my baby far far away. This is her fathers problem to deal with not yours and you don't need your baby in the same house as a kid with RAD. BTDT. Never again. People probably will not like that I just said that but oh well. I will post more later when I have the time. Just wanted you to know that I know what it is like to live with a RAD kid. You have my sympathy.

You can pm me if you like. I could post a lot more but don't have the time. Will later.

You really can't "love" RAD away. The infant and family is in danger, particularly if the child starts to get feel some attachment for mom or dad. Her behavior, as therapy progresses and if it is successful, will get much worse before it gets better, and its already pretty challenging (I don't mean the poop episode I mean the aggression towards the baby).

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have been so wounded at the preverbal stage (before 18 mths) that they find the world a harsh, cruel, dangerous place and no one can ever be trusted. To them, to trust someone is equivalent to dying. They will resist attachment with everything they have inside them. As soon as they begin to feel the slightest bit dependent on someone else, or slightest bit like maybe they could let down their guard and trust that person, the fear and rage will erupt and the family is literally in danger of their life. Therapy is difficult with these children because the damage occurred before they were verbal and the rage is preverbal. Words don't reach it.

I've worked with many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, most in foster homes. We would never place a child with RAD in a home with smaller children. The child's behavior is designed to get the parent to put down their guard. They can be charming, affectionate, and appear very loving. You think you are making progress with them, then they do something so awful they think it will make you send them away for good. That is what they think they want; to make you hurt and to make you go away. One child tied the family's dog to the back of their car without their knowledge while pretending he needed to go inside and pee real quick before the family vacation. Another child lovingly made lemonade for the whole family, adding his contribution of urine. Another child put the cat in the oven and turned it on.

The child needs very intense, specialized therapy, and a parent or loving adult within five feet of her nearly all the time. The OP doesn't sound like she is in any way ready for the challenges facing this child. And she has a baby. This is simply a no-win situation for everyone involved. The 7-year-old is not going to be healed in this environment. There's too much opportunity for her to vent her rage in harmful ways and not enough intense one-on-one interaction.

[joesmom]

Originally Posted by kraftykathy

i know most people here don't want to seem harsh or judgemental, but this is the special needs forum and the fact is that many of us have dealt with more 'messy' situations than the average parent. many of our children have/had great difficulties learning to use the potty, often way beyond the toddler years. many of us have dealt with our children doing things that were very hard to make sense of, destructive, messy, possibly embarrasing. but guess what? we still find them completely and wholely loveable and deserving of that love. they are OUR angels despite the chaos they might bring into our lives.

everyone of us, especially every child deserves to feel completely accepted and unconditionally loved.

Yes. I have cleaned poop from many many things in the time I have known my best friend's dd. She is nine now & just a few weeks ago smeared poop all over their basement. I cleaned it, with love, because I love her. It was gross, but SHE is not gross. I love her, & she knows it.

(She has autism but not RAD or anything...)

Originally Posted by waterbaby9503

UPDATE

The child psychologist just called. She thinks the girl is bipolar in addition to having R.A.D. So she will be getting medication.
Just yesterday we took to the the pool. She didn't want to get out when it was time. She threw a huge fit. She started biting herself and taking off her swimsuit. She scratched herself(we photographed these marks when we got hm so that it is known that SHE did this). We also called her kiddie shrink for an emergency appt.
I am so glad she will be getting a sedative.

In response to posts, DP was consulting with a lawyer about relinquishing her right before he got custody. I was actually against it at that time and wanted him to wait a little longer. Relinquishing her was his idea from the start. Now that he has her he is trying to make it work. Other ideas are signing her over to his parents(who do want her and have expressed interest in exercising Grandparent's Rights)

PRAISE GOD FOR OXYCLEAN! About 5 hours of scrubbing did it. Plus a room deoderizing candle. And leaving the windows open with fans on for several days. It really really stunk and the smell got into the fabrics in the rm.

TO THOSE WHO SAY I DON'T KNOW MUCH: THat's true! I am 20 y/o! I almost have an associate's degree. I go to classes at night when dp can watch the baby. I don't have much experience with older kids, just a lot with babies from being in the church nursery.

I am considering moving out. When dp sends her off to her mother out of state for the summer(per court order) I could live with him again. But I don't want my baby seeing all this chaos. When she has fits, she screams bloody murder, like someone is breaking her arm. The usual cause of this: she lost a toy or she can't find a matching pair of socks. Low sensory thresh hold. Low frustration thresh hold. I know how much children are shaped in their first two years. That is why I really really want dp to be in his life bc he is a good father to him. I don't want him to experience all of this chaos(for fear it will damage him similarly to the way this girl has been screwed over)

Yes, she has kicked my 6 mo old in the head before. She has tried to pick up his car seat (detatchable infant carrier part) and dump him out in the parking lot(THAT was my first sign that she was not normal). Luckily he was strapped in. He was terrified (and so was I) and I was furious towards the girl. SHe is very jealous and very passive aggressive toward him.
Also, I will coo to him "momma loves you baby" and when she hears this she says "no you don't" or "I love baby more than you do" or "babies are bad".

So THANK YOU to the momma's who understand that I am frustrated but human too. I am really thinking of separating from dp and his child for the sake of my baby. If I didn't have my baby I would def stay, help, and work with the situation. But if Josh (baby) is harmed by this, I would NEVER forgive myself. I have to make a choice I can live with. There are many obstacles to moving out once you have consolidated into one household....so we'll see.

I don't know what to say to you. I feel bad for you, for your baby, but this girl used to be your dp's baby. SOMETHING terrible had to happen to her for her to develop RAD... she needs to be with people who love her & genuinely WANT her. If her grandparents want to have custody of her, please allow this. It would be best for all involved.

[Bartock]

sorry I did not read all the posts

[mama_b]

May I ask what happened to the child to cause her to have RAD? :

[Bartock]

Originally Posted by mama_b

May I ask what happened to the child to cause her to have RAD? :

What is RAD is it something that you are born with or something that you get because of something?

[mama_b]

Originally Posted by ilovemy2ds

What is RAD is it something that you are born with or something that you get because of something?

See post #54.

[Bartock]

Originally Posted by mama_b

See post #54.

So basically RAD is cause from say beating or verbally abusing an 18mo or younger? If so is there a chance the dad was around at that time?