What to do about hitting??

[aimcar]

Hi! I'm new here - My name is Aimee, I'm a SAHM to a wonderful, loving, spirited little boy named Jacob who is 19 mo. I am desperately seeking advice on what to do about hitting??? Jacob hits when he's angry, and he also hits when he wants attention. I'm at a loss for what to do. I have tried telling him hitting hurts, Mommy doesn't like it when you hit, I've told him Mommy won't play with someone who hits her and walked away, I've tried redirecting - and none of these things have worked. He usually hits me or DH, but every now and then he will get mad and hit whatever is closest to him (the table, the wall, a chair, etc.) - should I let him do that since it isn't hurting anyone, or do I need to find other ways for him to express his anger? Personally, it makes me uncomfortable to see him hitting anything, whether it's a person or an object, but maybe he needs to have that physical release? I just don't know - I'm at a complete loss. Anyone have any ideas/advice for me??
Thank You!

[Embee]

Welcome Aimee!

As a 36 year old person, I can still understand the inclination to hit something when I'm intensely angry or frustrated. I generally don't do this of course, but there have been times when a good pillow punch can relieve the frustration! For a toddler, immense frustration is a way of life, and not easy to cope with day in and day out. Hitting a really REALLY common way of venting these powerful emotions. My general approach to hitting (or biting as the case has been at times) is this:

"I know you're feeling frustrated (angry, whatever the emotion) and that's ok. But, it's not ok to hit others when you feel this way, because hitting hurts." I then redirect him to something that is ok to hit (a drum, the couch, a soft chair, a pillow etc.) with: "If you feel you want to hit something, you may hit... *insert appropriate object here*" Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat yet again... a note: when I redirect, I always try to redirect to meet the need of the action he's trying to accomplish. Redirecting to something "off topic" generally tends to fuel his frustration rather than relieve it. As he gets older and more able to express strong emotions verbally, you can work on using words to help out but it's still probably a ways off before he can adequately relieve the tension this way.

You mentioned you've tried redirection and explaining so I'm not sure if this approach is just a repeat of what you've already tried. I do find that addressing and validating the emotion is key. Do keep in mind however that toddlers need tons and tons of calm repetition in discipline, so if you find something that works for you philosophically, use it consistently and repeat as often as necessary. In time, DS will get the message, it just takes a while for most.

Hang in there! Best of luck!

[sparklemom]

i second embee's advice. both my dds who are now 2 yrs and 4yrs went through a hitting phase around the same age as your ds. so realize this hitting thing is not a 'character flaw' with your ds, just a phase that will pass with patience.
we always said "hitting isn't allowed" or "hitting hurts people" followed by simple redirection. we didn't make a big issue of it...didn't want it to turn into some sort of power struggle or attention getter.
good point embee also about validating the child's feelings. this is so key. help your child express his/her feelings in words for them. this helps them feel understood which in and of itself is a stress releaser. it also helps the child learn how to express feelings in words (when they learn to talk). identifying emotions in words is very helpful.

[amymarie]

My dd went through this also...eventually she stopped after many,many talks about hitting makes me sad and I would always put on a sad face...I also told her to hit a special pillow if that makes her feel better.

[aimcar]

Thank you all for your advice! I know this is just a phase that will pass with time, but it can be hard trying to figure out what to do in the meantime. It is reassuring to know that others have been in this situation though.

[stirringleaf]

my 14 month old has been hitting for a few weeks, so i read your post with great intrest and sympathy...the ideas here are great. i wanted to add mine, bacause i had a mini-breakthrough with ds today. i said to him" hands arent for hitting" and i touched his hands to direct his attention to them, and gently stroked his hands and said "we dont hit with our hands" he seemed to understand this better than my usual " dont hit mommy, it hurts mommy" and my attempts to distract, act sad, etc. because i taught him not to chew on his board books by saying "we dont eat books" so i guess that method makes sense to him. i totally agree about the endless repetition...i am sure i will have to say "we dont hit with hands" 9,000 times before he really gets it. the tip above about redirecting to unrelated things is like a huge revelation to me! no wonder he gets so pi**ed when i do that! next time i will try having him hit the couch., instead of trying to get him to change the subject...

[stretchmark]

Hi, great advice to all the above. I want to add in one bit that I do that I didn't see yet. My daughter 18 mos. will sometimes hit my husband or me for whatever reason. She doesn't do it too often but when she does, I put out my hand and tell her she can hit my hand if she needs to. If she keeps trying to hit my face, I catch her hand before it gets me and say, "I'm not going to let you hit me, I don't want to be hit." She usually has a good shove on my hand and it gets her frustrations to a level where she can cry about them or do the tantrum thing. I think kids really need to just get it out sometimes and if they can come to you and know they are safe to do that, then there is a bond that is deep. I also don't want her hitting herself which she does because it gets attention. I do the same thing where I don't let her hit herself and say the same things. I tell her I don't want her to hurt her body. Do you feel good after a cry? I know I sure do. I feel good after a good door slamming too. So it is the same thing. The world gets cloudy and crying or screaming clears it up. Boys are different than girls a lot of the time with energy. I think hitting the couch is great. I think it is important to say, "I don't want to be hit and if you need to hit something we can hit the couch or the drum." This way they know what isn't ok and they also have a choice as to what to hit. Sometimes sitting down with them and "expressing it for them" helps too. If they are apprehensive about doing it, you just sit right down and start banging the couch and saying "I am so mad, uhhh uhhh."
Hope this helps someone. Glad to see all you parents having alternatives and not shutting kids down.
Tiffany

[sarahlw]

hi aimcar

i would just like to say i have a 22 mth old that hits for the same reasons and it drives me nuts i dont know what else i can do to stop him from doing it like you i have tryed everything i can think of but i just feel my son cant understand what i am saying as he cant talk.i am yet to find anything that really helps with him hitting he has an older brother that he hits all the time and his father thought it might teach him if he hit him back but there was just more hitting from master 2 i just really think it is his way of communicating but it is still not good enough when they hit your nanna or father. please if you have any new ideas i would love to hear them


stay carm and ride it out they will learn that its not ok

i would also like to add my health nurse suggested giving them a pillow to take it out on

[ParkersMama]

Thanks Embee!! I've also tried redirecting with my 28 month old, but I haven't been redirecting to still meet the need (hitting a drum, pillow, etc.) OR validating the feelings. I've been stating the feelings, but not validating. I will definitely try this ... I've been doing time-outs, but it has been more of a punishment than a positive choice for him.

[stirringleaf]

T

woah ! this is way off topic but i get notified about these threads in my e-mail box, so i came to this one, to see what it was, and read my above post...

i cant believe my ds has been hitting since he was 14 mos old! holy cow! he turns 2 tomorrow, and is stillll at it! :

i watch a little boy who is 17 months and i still havent seen him hit. i just thought he was too young, lol.

i guess my guy IS a little fiesty one!

about methods... i think a really huge key is to watch what precedes the hitting and do what you can to prevent those scenarios. being preventitive ( hungry? tired? over/understimulated?) is most effective IMO.