responses to crying

[chapulina]

Hello all,

Just wanting to know what others think about this response... a 5 year old remarked to my crying dd (13mon), "that's not a good reason to cry.." sounding as if he's heard that told to him before.

Since then, I have heard numerous parents respond to their crying toddlers with the exact response - "that's not a good reason to cry". Granted, there are various reasons for crying; some needing immediate response and others not so immediate. My first inclination is that something seems not quite right about this answer, but I just don't know why. I am interested in your opinions...

[Lucky Charm]

I would agree. my first instinct is that something is wrong with that response, and sad that a 5 year old would say that to a crying baby (13 mos being a baby to me!) for a child to cry (for the most part anyway) something must be upsetting to them. this is not to say, i havent wanted to roll my eyes when my own child has cried, for what seems to be a silly reason. to my child, its not silly, kwim? especially a child as young as 13 months....and where is that older childs sensitivitey and compassion? my five year old gets upset when he sees another child crying, especially a young one. he would never say anything like that, but then again, i have never said that either.

sheesh.

[CollegeMama]

IMO, a person has a right to their feelings and no one can tell you if what you are feeling is appropriate or not. It's not up to them. We feel how we feel and trying to stuff it is only going to cause problems later.
I think you were right in your gut reaction!

[sparklemom]

i agree with your gut reaction too.
SO many children are so often told "don't cry"...."shhhhhhh"..."it's okay, don't cry".... when clearly if the child/baby is crying everything is not "okay."

i never encourage my dds to stuff their feelings. i want them to express and feel their feelings, not go numb as so many people are trained to do. whenever either of my dds (2yrs and 4yrs) hears another child/baby cry they become very concerned.

sure, i don't 'like' to hear my dds cry, but i realize it's a healthy expression of emotion so we just hold each other and work through the tears.

[geekmom]

I have 3 children under 2 years old so I get a lot of crying. One of the reasons I think I don't have a big problem is that I don't mind the crying. I think many people either think they need to help their children stop crying by carrying or feeding or whatever immediately or some parents just feel panicked when their children are crying. They think that children crying means they're a bad parent.

I try to teach my kids that crying is a means of communication and it doesn't need to be stopped. I even went to a workshop once about allowing and supporting our children in crying. It was pretty interesting.

Of course I respond to my kids' communications of all sorts as soon as I understand it, but since I get less anxious about it everyone around me, including my kids, feel less anxious.

I do feel that most people teach their kids that crying is negative. I'd like for people to start thinking that it's positive just like talking.

[famousmockngbrd]

That's something I found very hard at first - to learn to look at DS's crying as neutral, just his way of "talking". As adults we are conditioned to regard crying as "bad" - understandably because in the adult world people don't cry unless they are very sad or upset. In babyland, however, things don't work that way!

My DH was a "troubled" teen - he had to be institutionalized at one point for about 6 months, took all kinds of medication, etc. He is VERY sensitive and while I consider that one of the greatest things about his personality, it can also be a big liability because he gets so upset at things that other people let roll off their backs. I used to tell him he was being "oversensitive" or was "overreacting" but that only used to get him more upset. Gradually I learned that invalidating someone's feelings is a poor way to help them get a handle on whatever is bothering them. All it does is make them feel like there's something wrong with them for feeling the way they do, and it is very isolating. Besides, while I hate to watch DH go around with his heart bleeding for every injustice and it does make his life harder, I don't think that trying to desensitize him is the answer. We don't need to harden the sensitive people, we need to make the world a softer place for everybody.

[sparklemom]

well said!

[Lucky Charm]

think many people either think they need to help their children stop crying by carrying or feeding or whatever immediately or some parents just feel panicked when their children are crying. They think that children crying means they're a bad parent.

Good point. I know lots of parents who freak when their child sheds a tear. I tend to get panicked *only* if say i hear a thud, then crying. but as far as babies crying, i dont stress....thats the only way to communicate....being tired, uncomfortable, frustrated, hungry, wet, whatever. not ever tear is a national tragedy. of course, this is not to say, i dont respond. of course i do. and my 5 year old cries mostly if someone hurts his feelings, and we talk about it, and i hold him if he wants. i rarely say stop, or shush. The only time i can say i was stressed by crying was with my inconsolable colicky daughter. i swear she cried fo 11 months. for hours, and hours on end.

[Second_in_January]

In theory I totally agree with all the posts. But practically, I have found myself scolding my six year old for crying. He cries all the time about big things, little things, everything. I think the root is his less than nurturing school environment. We're going to change the school for the Fall. Meanwhile I feel like it isn't right to be scolding him, but at the same time I'm afraid he's going to have problems in his peer group if he cries all the time. Any suggestions???

[untomySelf]

yes

Hold him and support all of his emotional expressions and perhaps pull him out of the unhealthy school environment asap!!

Help him develop inner resources to handle his emotional states
i.e can you draw the feeling?
Want to hit this pillow?
Can you dance it? Sing it? Scream it? Imagine its an animal? Get creative with him, let him know you are on his side

My friend helped her son "find his inner tiger" through an emotional time at school, it hellped him develop his inner "ferociousness". Very cute to see a 7yo boy growling around the house. He felt very empowered after months of tears and helplessness!

[Second_in_January]

That is a great idea, thanks, I'm going to try out the tiger deal with him starting tomorrow!!

[Pam_and_Abigail]

I am one of the ones who panicks as soon as dd cries. And yesterday I caught myself telling her I didn't think there was anything to cry about. I want her to be able to express her feelings, but I get so frustrated. I should mention that she's only 7.5 months. I'm still at the point where I don't know how to respond to her cries sometimes.

[Cindi]

Aletha Solter has a book Tears and Tantrums, as well as some other parenting books which are really good. (I mention this author all the time, but I was just so impressed with her books, especially with regard to crying.) DH and I did a workshop with her and she described the "broken cookie" syndrome, where a load of accumulated tensions and hurts from the day and even lifetime are set off by something like the last cookie being broken. Seeing that "broken cookie" as an aid in releasing tension, has been helpful for me. It is just imporant to not focus in on the cookie too much (or rush out to the store to buy another package) so that its real function can be served, alowing a forum for the cry. Then you child needs only your supportive listening.

Here's a link to her site: http://www.awareparenting.com/

[Alstrameria]

Originally posted by untomySelf
My friend helped her son "find his inner tiger" through an emotional time at school, it hellped him develop his inner "ferociousness". Very cute to see a 7yo boy growling around the house. He felt very empowered after months of tears and helplessness!

That is a great idea! I'm storing that for future reference.

I say "it's ok" meaning it's ok to cry, and I said "oh sad tears" as I wipe them away.

Jen

[Gracefulmom]

I definitely agree with the above posts--- babies cry to express themselves. However, my daughter just turned two and is VERY verbal, so I've changed my approach somewhat. Now when she starts to cry over something that seems "silly" to an adult, I get down to her level and say, "I can't understand what you mean. Can you use your words to tell me? Or do you just need a hug?" She chooses one or the other (either of which is fine with me), and she's soon off playing again.

[monkeysmommy]

"that's not a reason to cry"...I wouldn't want someone saying that to me and I'm 35 years old! In fact, I have had certain boyfriends in the past say stuff like that to me, and it made me more upset because it invalidated my feelings and made me feel crazy.

I have said to dd "oh, your being silly." I need to find a better way.

[Mommiska]

Yes - it drives me nuts when people tell my children 'That's not a good reason to cry'. We were in a restaurant the other day, and dd1 tripped and fell on the way out, so she was crying, as she'd hurt herself.

One of the other diners told her that 'big girls like you don't cry'. GRRRRHHHH! I politely told this lady that she'd tripped and fallen and hurt herself, and I'd probably also cry in that situation!

I've just finished reading 'How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen and Listen So Your Children Will Talk', and it has a whole section about this. When we tell our children that something 'isn't a good reason' to cry, or try to convince them that they are OK when they are clearly upset about something, we are telling them to not trust their feelings, and to trust ours instead.

That's not something I want to do with my kids! Feelings are feelings - they aren't right or wrong, they just are. The important thing is teaching our children how to deal with those feelings in a healthy, appropriate way.

This book (which I highly recommend!) suggests simply acknowleding those feelings...with older children, this will often give them the room/space they need to elaborate on the feelings, and figure out for themselves what to do with them.

For younger children, I think just the act of naming the feelings and offering comfort is very healing for a child.

Seriously - get this book! I'm not doing it justice, but it has such great advice...

[asherah]

I agree with all of you, but I do want to point out one thing.
I don't think parents who say "shhhh its okay" are trying to make children "stuff their feelings."

That is a very harsh judgement.

I think saying things like that are an attempt to comfort.

I have caught myself doing it.. but not because I want my ds to stuff his feelings. The sound ssshhhhh is a comforting sound. And one that is somewhat instinctive to make.. I'd do it a lot when ds was colicky.. and later found out it was imitative of comforting white noise.

And "its okay" is meant to be reassuring.

That said, I try not to always do that.. sometimes I just say "I'm here" or "I'm sorry" to my one year old when he cries.

[Mommiska]

I totally agree with you, Asherah - I don't think parents who say 'shhhh, it's OK' are trying to make their children stuff/ignore their feelings. I know they are just trying to comfort.

In fact, it's something that I catch myself saying a lot, in my attempts to comfort.

But I do think that, whatever my intentions, those words can be experienced by my children as telling them to ignore their emotions.

Before I read the 'How to Talk to Your Children' book, it isn't something I thought about...it was an automatic comforting thing I said. Reading the book made me realize that even though I meant to be comforting, I probably wasn't being comforting at all - just the opposite, in fact.

I've been consciously making an effort just to acknowledge my children's feelings and sympathise with them...and I've found that they both respond much better and much more quickly than they ever did to 'shhh, it's OK'.

I'm sorry if my previous post offended - it wasnt' my intention at all...I just wanted to offer a different perspective. As I said - I really didn't do the book justice, and would I highly recommend that people read if for themselves.

[Lil'M]

This just happened to us today! I was picking up my kindergarden dd and the first grader that we carpool with and once in the car my dd started crying because she realized that she'd left her mother's day plant for me at school. I've read the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen book and I've really tried to be conscious about not telling my kids their feelings are not ok. So a teacher was nice enough to get the flower from the classroom(other dd was sleeping in the car already) but dd was still trying to calm down. The other little girl kept saying "that's not a good reason to cry." It kind of surprised me because I realize that it sounds so offensive to me now.

That said, my 2 1/2 yr old dd has been crying over every little thing lately and it is really getting on my nerves! I start feeling angry when she begins crying at the drop of a hat for the millionth time. And she has really great language skills but it doesn't seem to help. I would never say " that's not a reason to cry" but I do think it. Thirty seconds into her latest fit (over something like putting the right shoe on when she wanted the left first) I can ask her "do you know why you're crying?" and she says "no mommy. Why?" (emoticons not working but imagine one where I am having a small stroke).