responses to crying - Page 2

[asherah]

well i would like to read the book.. i'll put it on my list.

[waterbabee]

So what do you do when your child cries if you don't try to comfort her? My dd is 10 months and if I don't pick her up and try to comfort her I feel neglectful. How would you respond to her crying then; ignore it yet still be present or what?

Elise-mama to Zoe Lea

[Mommiska]

I would defintiely always respond when my children cry...it's just the nature of the response that some of the moms here are questioning.

I think it probably isnt' that comforting for a child to be told 'you're OK' when they are crying, as that tells them that their feelings aren't valid/accurate/whatever. And I certainly wouldn't tell a child to stop crying when they are upset/have hurt themselves/etc.

Instead, I think people here are suggesting that you accept your child's feelings...name the feelings for them and tell them you are sorry they are hurt/upset/etc. And comfort, but do it without undermining the feelings the child is experiencing, you know?

With a 10 month old, I'd keep it simple. If she'd fallen and hurt herself and was crying, I would probably hold her and comfort her, telling her something along the lines of, 'You fell down and that hurts. Mommy is sorry that you hurt yourself'.

Of course, you can still try distraction if it's just a tiny bump and a big fuss is going to create a big fuss. But be ready to acknowledge and accept hurt/upset/etc. when it is there.

Hope that makes sense. (again - I'd really recommend the How To Talk book...even though your dd is very young, it has good ideas that you can defintiely start now to get yourself in the way of it...some of the ideas they suggest don't necessarily come naturally, to me anyway).

[Momtwice]

I could write a long post, but it's better to just say...

get thee to a copy of How To Talk......by Faber and Mazlish. It is SO SO SO good, and kind, and sensible.

[waterbabee]

Carolyn, yeah, that completely makes sense. To validate their feelings rather than just trying to make it go away.
I'll definitely check that book out.

Elise-mama to Zoe Lea

[Kylix]

I've heard "See? You did all that crying for nothing!" before when a baby(!!!) of maybe one or two years cried for his big sister who left the room and came back shortly.

I thought that was very dismissive of his feelings. He didn't do all that crying "for nothing". Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to say anything to his babysitter (the one who said it) because I know ppl think they I make a big deal about "trivial" things.

I agree that How to Talk...by Faber and Mazlish is a WONDERFUL resource.

Kylix

[GoodWillHunter]

I kind of have a problem with crying...

DS2 cries for "Nogurt! (yogurt)" as soon as he sees me going to the refrigerator. If I open it, he's right there, going for the nogurt! I move him out of the way, and, as I'm doing it, his cries escalate into a tantrum. I've tried explaining to him he has to eat other things rather than yogurt, I've tried hugging him and saying after he eats x he can have yogurt. I've tried putting him in time out untill he calms down, etc. HELP! We have the same problem with the computer.

[Mommiska]

It's always hard when the crying escalates into (or is the beginning of) a tantrum....

If the yogurt wasn't sickly sweet kid's yoghurt, I'd probably just let him have it...figuring that he's hungry and that's a healthy snack. And if it was a very common occurence, and I really felt that yoghurt wasn't a healthy snack, I'd probably stop buying it for awhile...(avoiding confrontations where possible!).

If you aren't comfortable with either of those options (and of course, those aren't possible with the computer), I would name is feelings and accept them, but give a brief explanation about why we cant' have the yoghurt/computer right now.

i.e., 'You would like some yoghurt/to play with the computer right now and are upset that you aren't able to. We can have the yoghurt/play with the computer after X' (or whatever). Then offer an alternative (we can have an apple right now, we can do a puzzle/read a book right now, etc.).

Does that make sense? Your ds is genuinely upset because he isn't getting what he wants at that moment. Those feelings are real and it helps just to have those feelings heard and validated, even if the immediate wants arent' going to happen.

[Lil'M]

GoodWillHunter- My situation is so similar! And I've read the Faber and Maslich books so I know what to say, but when my 2 1/2 year old is having a tantrum, she is not listening to anything! She wants what she wants! She cannot be distracted or placated with another choice. Sometimes I can use humor by tickling her or making silly voices and she will stop crying and will be ready to play. Sometimes I just acknowledge her disappointment or whatever she seems to be feeling and say that I am going into another room because her screaming is hurting my ears and when she calms down we can play together. Maybe this sounds harsh but when she really gets going she also gets physically abusive and then I really start to get upset. Better for me to walk away at that time.

[Pam_and_Abigail]

Where can I find this book, "How To Talk..."? I've tried my local library, and I can't even find it online at chapters...

[Lil'M]

There are actually 3 books that I am aware of by the authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk; Liberated Parents/Liberated Children; & Siblings Without Rivalry

I checked and those are the correct spellings and titles. Hopefully that should help you find them. They are definitely available on Amazon, etc.