Long and sad, beware

[amnda527]

A couple nights ago I was over my parents' house, talking to my mom about my friend who just had her baby by c-section (not planned). I was just telling her how sad my friend was, how she didn't even see her son when he came out, and all the other silly hospital rules. I said to my mom, "yea...when I have kids (she doesnt know Im pregnant) I'm gonna have the baby at home" My mom goes, "Noo you will not!" I said I would probably not have it at a hospital, that I would have a midwife and possibly a doula at home. She said that If my friend had planned to have a homebirth that she, and her baby, would be dead right now. She said the doc knew that c-section was the only way to go because of the complications. Well, the "complication" was that they gave her pitocin b/c of her blood pressure, (?) and she had a severe reaction to it. She said she was histerically laughing at everything, and vomitting. At least this is what I got out of it. She was still on meds at the time I saw her, and she seemed kinda loopy, so she was hard to understand. She had a hard time remembering things that happened before, during and right after the birth. Anyways, my mom said, "When your time comes, I know you will want the support that a hospital has to offer you" Uhm, yea mom. Some history--my mom is an RN, so she is very pro-hospital/doctors/nurses. Personally, they make me kinda nervous and uneasy. I knew that my mom was not going to be thrilled with me considering a homebirth, but now that I got that confirmation I'm so upset. As soon as she said that last line I got my hubby and we went home. I was crying so hard bc of what my mom said to me. My dh was very supportive of me, and he said that he would be behind me no matter where I want to have the baby. The thing now is, her opinion makes me feel nervous about doing the homebirth, and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant! If this one little criticism scares me off right away how will I handle the rest 8 months of comments from everyone else who knows about my decision? I think homebirth is something I can do only if I have 100% support from my family/close friends. I don't know if I want to go through with it, I'm looking into going to a birthing center that is inside a hospital around here. (Cleveland has no freestanding BC) Sorry for the depressing post. I just wanted to vent.

[mirthfulmum]

As a woman who has had a home birth I'd like to say, you can do it!
So many of the so called medical intervetions during birth are all because of the doctors and nurses messing around where they don't belong. They have you bed bound by monitors instead of moving around. They give you various labour "helpers" that usually 'cause more problems your friend for example). They have you labour and push on your back so that they can get a better view, it's actually the worst position to be birthing in. I could go on and on but you get the point.

Once you find a good midwife, you will find in that person the support you need to help you make the right birth decisions for yourself. Going in you need to mentally steel yourself. There will be people out there who will make rude comments about your choice to birth at home. But if you do your research, talk to other women who have home birthed at home, talk to your midwife and doula you will find the confidence to ignore the nay sayers.

Hey there's lots of us here planning to homebirth. You're not in this alone. That's the whole point of the DDC. We're here to support each other throught the next 9 months or so.

[sleet76]

I am so sorry. That has to be very disappointing. Since her support matters to you, I would consider getting together some good literature for her to read and give it to her. (and you can read up on it more so you can have the facts on the tip of your tongue) You can inform her of your pregnancy, and let her know that you're planning a homebirth. Let her know that you refuse to discuss it until she learns more about it and informs herself. Then really do refuse to talk to her about it until she does inform herself. And if that doesn't help her feel more at ease with the idea, you can tell her how you don't intend to change your mind, you're not up for a debate, she is not welcome to criticise, and that her support is very important to you. That her lack of support is hurtful to you and may force you to distance yourself (pregnancy and therefore birth experience and possibly baby) from her negativity.

Unfortunately, this *may* be just one of the first hurdles you encounter in family support of your parenthood. Maybe not, but many people don't understand AP, and think they need to tell you all the bad things you're doing and how it is going to backfire on you. That may not be your experience (and I hope it isn't!), but it won't hurt to make a stand now.

I am not a homebirthing mama, (I live near a wonderful, crunchy, hands-off hospital, but would consider a homebirth in a heartbeat if I didn't think I could get the birth I wanted at my hospital) but I am very supportive of homebirthing and think it's great.

[Lissybug]

Don't have time to properly reply to your post right now, but check out Citzens for Midwifery's website. They have great information on the safety of midwifery. I'll write more later www.cfmidwifery.org. Hugs-
Alissa

[RiceMomma]

Hypnobabies!

You need to get a hold of the Hypnobabies home study course and learn to create your bubble of peace- I know it sounds corny, but seriously, do it!! There is nothing more important I could tell a first time mama!

[2much2luv]

I don't have much to add other than another round of support! You can birth however you want to.

I did want to say that homebirth might be something you don't want to talk about. When we were planning our first homebirth we had no idea how bad the bad reaction from my husband's family would be. It seriously caused me to waver and really made me sad during what should have been a happy and exciting time. If I could do it over again I wouldn't share a word of our plans with them, which is what we did for out third birth. I'll also echo what's already been said, that there are lots of places to get your support from . . . your midwife and doula, us , like minded friends.

[trmpetplaya]

A woman in my church, knowing I was 4 month pregnant at the time, heard I wanted a home birth and told me that I would feel terrible guilt WHEN my baby died because I was planning a home birth :

Needless to say, dd is fine. And because of that lady, I did some serious research and became even more comfortable with choosing a homebirth because of that research I told the lady that the research I did because of her helped solidify my homebirthing decision the next Sunday when I saw her :

love and peace.

[MandyB]

After having a hospital birth with my son I KNEW that I wasn't going to let anyone convince me not to have a homebirth with my second child. My parents were extremely ANTI homebirth before my daughter was born. I decided to read up as much as I could on homebirth vs. hospital birth and everytime someone made a comment to me about how unsafe they thought homebirth was, I would go off on one of my tangents quoting statistics and information I had read about homebirth actually being safer!

Up until the day my daughter was born, my parents were still trying to convince me to have Ellie at the hospital. After my mom was able to witness my daughters home/water birth, she has been since been the biggest advocate for homebirth!!!!! She tells everyone now how wonderful it is.

Try to be strong and stick with want you want in your heart, otherwise you'll end up regretting your decision to birth in the hospital. I SO wish that I had listened to my gut the first time around and hadn't been so easily influenced by everyone! Good Luck!

[amnda527]

update

Thanks to everyone who posted! You all offered great advice. I think part of me getting upset over this is my own insecurities deep inside about the homebirth idea. I know the statistics prove that homebirth is safer and everything, but part of me inside is just not sure about it. I've been doing some thinking and this is what I came up with. As of right now, I'm going to check out a midwife that someone recomended to me. She is in a birthing center associated with a hospital, and she specializes in waterbirth. If things go well with her, and we are a good match, I think that is the route I'm going to go. I'm just going to go with my gut instinct with whatever comes my way. And maybe if I have a great first birth, I can re-think the homebirth for number 2. You are great mamas, thanks again!
Ps. I'm defiently checking out the hypnobabies!!

[RiceMomma]

Your baby is in intimate contact with your body for nine months- your body will be able to tell you where you should birth! Listen to those instincts!

Hypnobabies is AWESOME! It will help you tap into your instincts, be able to quiet your mind enough and shut out what's going on around you to hear your body. No matter where you birth, it will be a tremendous help. Good luck!

(I'm signing off from this group- we're TTC, and I thought we would get pregnant quickly, but no double red line yet, so good luck, ladies!)

[courtenay_e]

Just popping in to recommend that you not mention to your mother even your choice to birth center birth. Don't talk about it at all to people you don't know for sure will support you. Not because you have something to hide, but because you only want positive vibes for this birth. I learned this the hard way with my second. You'll have a great birth, whereever you choose to have it, and the naysayers, no matter how much you love them, can go jump in a lake!

[Lissybug]

The most important thing is for you to be able to give birth in a place you feel comfortable with a care provider you trust and who respects you. This varies for women, some feel best in the hopital, some at home.. It sounds like the birthcenter may be a great option for you. As I posted elsewhere- for me the midwifery model of care is the most important aspect- I want that loving wholistic care. I truly believe midwives help make women safer during pregnancy and birth, because they spend so much time with their patients, and their patients usually become very well imformed. Also- My MIL was pretty so-so about midwives at first. But each time she brought something up we tried to listen to her, and answer with respect, but also information- For instance- "yes, we were really concerned about that too, and actually, once we did some research we found out...." We did lots of reasuring about how informed midwives are about complications and how they're always looking for them so they can help you have the safest birth possible. We just tried to not get real defensive, but be very informed, and really not engage about whether or not what we were doing was ok- it's not her decision. She's already started with this pregnancy pressing for an ultrasound to know the sex. We drive her nuts

[amnda527]

Thank you courtenay, maybe I should just keep quiet about the birth center thing too. Especially the midwife part. I can't see many people reacting well to that. If anyone asks, I'll tell them the name of the hospital the birth center is associated with. It's not a lie! And since everyone will see I'm having it a "hospital" they will probably assume I'm working with a doctor. You ladies have helped a ton. Thank you