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Need guidance

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
My SD5 drives me insane. I feel bad, I get along well with most kids, and she and I used to have no troubles until the past 4-5 months. They are here only EOWE and holidays but by the second day I find it very hard to be around her.

I know that she is only 5, but she seems to do the things that drive me the most crazy: singing at the table (along with general poor table manners, after being asked not to several times), running in the house (we live in close quarters, it is a safety issue here, again and has to be asked many, many, times to not do this), jumping/walking on the couch, and most importantly...lying. Maybe the lying has just made it so that I can tolerate the other behaviors. She will make messes in the bedroom (that's not a problem) and tell me that DD6 did it, call someone a name and then deny it, etc. This has happened a few times.

I know that I sound like a tyrant and the core of the issue is not the actual action, but the lack of listenening. The other children are SD7, DD6 and DS3.5 who all seem to listen and follow the guidelines for the house. Now, the bios have the advantage of living here everyday.

I guess I'm looking for tips on how to get thru to her -- maybe my approaches that work with the other kids just don't work with her??
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
post #2 of 6
Maybe she does these things at your house because she can do them at her other house and get away with it. Or maybe she is jealous of your other children and wanting attention and this may be the only way she feels she can get it.

How do you punish her when she does these things?

Maybe you could have your DH sit her down and talk to her and explain to her that she can not act the way she does at "daddys home" the same way she acts at "mommys home" and that daddy wont put up with it.

Hope this helps and GOOD LUCK!
post #3 of 6
I think she needs some more physical activities.

When the seasons change I think we all start to feel a little more crowded and she needs to get those wiggles out. It is much harder to listen and remember the rules if you body is wanting to move, for my wiggly kid I think it is almost like an itch or a mosquito bite, they don't think they just move--onto couches, into walls, down the hall, ect.

Is there something inside that is very physical that she can do (jump rope? climb up the doorways? jump over something?)? If you send her outside to run around the house three times (these kids also seem to like stopwatches ) is dinner better?

I think the important thing about lying is to remember it is an instinct to lie to get out of trouble and to try very hard not to ask questions or set up situations that lead to lying. Are you asking questions for her to lie in response to? Or is she just telling stories?

Some kids also seem to thrive on the negative responses. So even though the others might feel bad if you are upset, she is just glad to have your attention. Maybe a secret word, so when you say "purple mice" she knows it means walk, but it is fun not upsetting.

good luck, I think this is just a really hard age for some kids.
post #4 of 6
i have an incurable 'runner' - we live in an apartment, and I do my best to ask for quiet feet - but his body demands movement and though he would do anything you asked - he is responding to an inward impetus that is very strong. You will have to remind her about quiet feet millions of times over the next many years - so just remind her, I doubt she's doing it to get a rise out of you.
I would definitely be more troubled by the lying - I would say there is an emotional issue behind that. I watch one of my neighbors' 5 year olds, and I hear you on -'she's only 5, but jeez.." I try to look at it as a way to instruct her toward a more gentle way of being when I get time with her. she holds on underlying tension that is very uncomfortable to be around, but I think it must be far more uncomfortable for her. don't know if that's the case with your SD, but thought I'd throw it out there.
post #5 of 6
Well this is my first post, so sorry if I mess anything up. I had to reply, though, because I've had this problem with my own stepkids. My situation is much different from yours - my steps live far away, so I only see them about every other month or so, but in my experience, it takes them a while to adjust to being with us again.

So what do they do? They test the limits. They are around the same age as the one giving you trouble, and they likely remember our rules (even if those rules are different from their biomom's), so they test them. Our reaction is to be very calm and point out that they're getting mixed up and that they remember that the rule when they're with Dad is to not <whatever>. After a couple of days they calm down. I really think it's just adjustment factor.

Maybe you can sit down (or your dh can) when your sd first arrives to remind her of your house rules? Hope that helps.
post #6 of 6
When our girls hit that age, even though they'd been living in our house for two years at that point, they went through something similar. The oldest wanted to push the limits, and the youngest tried to get away with everything she was able to get away with at her mom's house. DH simply told them that the behavior may be acceptable at mom's house, but that while they were here, they were expected to act a certain way. They only had to be reminded a few times.

Being part of a blended family is super hard. Hopefully your DH can sit down with her.

Oh, another thing that helped us was for me to spend one-on-one time with the girls. I (or DH) made sure we took one at a time to the grocery store, or to run some other errand, just to make sure we got time alone with each girl and showed them why THEY were special as kids, you know? Not just in the context of the family, but that they were an important person all their own...not just somebody's sister, or daughter, or step-daughter, what-have-you.
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