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Don't know how to handle this?

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I'll start with the history.

I got pregnant by suprise two months in to an unhealthy "relationship." The guy dumped me right away, told me to never call him again, he was going back to his ex-girlfriend, the baby didn't mean anything to him, his first son was the most important to him ( he has three son's by three moms..) He was basically very horrible to me and told me to F-off. Soon after this I ran in to him and his girlfriend at the mall..and they just smirked at me and walked on.

I had a very hard pregnancy. I was in the hospital for most of my pregnancy for extream vomiting, and not once did the SD come to see me, or even phone to ask how I was. I had to go on Social Assistance and only got $185 a month to live on, and so I had to move back home..The SD knew that I was sick and poor ( because I was in touch with his dad and step-mom), but still he didn't offer any support in anyway..

However, in the very last month of my pregnancy he wanted to become involved all of a sudden. He started calling me once a week, calling me honey, trying to hug and kiss me when I saw him, touching my belly, telling me names he liked..talking about the birth. This was very confusing and I thought that although I didn't want to get back together with him, at least he was going to be a father to my baby.

So on Jan 19th I gave birth to my son, and the SD was NOT there..The next day the SD came to the hospital to see my son ( I ask him to sign the birth certificate, because at the time I think it's the right thing to do.) The strange thing is..is that the SD was not interested in holding my son when he came to the hospital! I didn't hear from the SD again until my son was two weeks old..The SD came over to my moms house and spent the whole visit watching TV! After this the SD saw my son ( with me) about every two weeks. However, on our visit's the SD really didn't seem to be interested in interacting with my son much at all..Maybe he'd hold him for 20 mins out of a two hour visit?! He also NEVER offered me a cent towards my son's care..

I haven't seen or heard from the SD for five months..absolutly NOTHING. It seems that he just disapeard compleatly with out a word or a reason. Right after SD dropped out of the picture I met a really wonderful, loving, safe, kind, and responsible man who treats my son and I very well..He's very playful and affectionate to my son, and my son really enjoys being around him, as do I of course. I recently become engaged to this man and we plan on getting married in Feb, and my boyfriend wants to adopt my son as well after we're settled in to our marriage.

Today for the first time in five months I called the SD..I didn't call him to get angry, or to ask for him to become involved with my son again, or to ask for money...I'm actually really happy the SD is not involved, because he is extreamly racist, sexist, and homophobic and of course I don't want my son around that. So I called this guy today, because he needs to give permission for my future husband to adopt my son..I thought he would do it no problem..I thought he would be indifferent or even happy that another man has stepped in as a father. SD lives about 10. mins from my moms house, and I have never prevented him from seeing my son..It WAS compleatly his choice for what ever reason to stop visit's.
I was totally shocked when SD blasted me today..He yelled at me, called me all sorts of nasty names, asked me why I hadn't called him!!!! He told me there was NO way he's giving up his rights, that he wants to be able to see my son, and he'll give $100 a month...and when I told him that my son knows my b-friend as Da-Da he really got upset and told me to "correct that" because he's not his father!! When I mentioned that my son doesn't know any other man as Da-Da, he told me it was MY fault!

After I called talked to SD I called a family justice worker. I was told that I need to come to some sort of agreement with the SD about my son, and then we have to submitt it to the courts. We will also be moving to Seattle from Vancouver B.C. to live with my boyfriend/almost husband, so that's why we have to come to a legal agreement regarding my son..

It's funny you know, because SD never did say why he hasn't called for five months..AND after this conversation where he told me he wants to start seeing my son again..He DIDN'T mention making arrangments to see him any time soon!! I feel confused, angry, and scared..I hate the idea of the SD becoming involved with my son..teaching him to hate women, to hate any one who's not white, and the SD is black...yes you read that right..And my boyfriend is also black. I don't want this guy making our lives hard..not letting us travel freely..always having to get his permission regarding my son..

Can anyone give me some ideas of how to deal with this? Has any one here been through a simular situation?
post #2 of 11
My perception....

SD was a nut. He is a nut. He will, most likely, always be a nut. Do not expect him to behave like a normal person. The only times he will behave like a normal person are when he's doing it for nutty reasons, and it probably won't last long. Don't be surprised when he acts like a nut.

Don't expect anything human or generous or good from him. He will probably just generously remind you that's unrealistic Don't do anything through him. Just go straight to your legal options.
post #3 of 11
Does SD stand for "stupid dad"?

post #4 of 11
Sorry your going through this hun, don't really know what to say just wanted to send you a big hug
post #5 of 11
Originally Posted by LookMommy! View Post
Does SD stand for "stupid dad"?

I think it means Sperm Donor
post #6 of 11
Seriously? Your first mistake was calling him too early. Wait until you're married, and your new husband is ready to formalize the adoption. Now, you have to "settle" things with this neglectful jerk before you can move and go on with your life.

In the future, let sleeping dogs lie. This guy doesn't sound like he has the interest or attention span to be a father. Let HIM call YOU.

Best of luck to you!
post #7 of 11
Oh Wow.
I could see the benefit of the pp there, but if you are wanting to move to Seattle, there are definate complications taking a child across the border without permission of the other parent - esp. if you aren't married.

I think you need to go for legal advice pronto. For all the reasons you state, it would be best to go to court if you have to, in order to get full custody and his rights removed if that's possible.

Are you talking to your baby about all this? Your stress may affect him, and he may have no idea why you're upset.
post #8 of 11
What a horrible situation mama! I am not a lawyer, but I think there are very specific steps you need to take in order for your husband to adopt your son.
First, you will need to establish paternity (I know you know, but the courts need proof), then you can make a claim for child support from the SD. He DOES NOT determine how much he will pay, the courts do! SD might decide that he doesn't want to pay child support, and instead give up his parental rights. I hope everything works out for you.
post #9 of 11
You need documentation about his lack of interest in seeing your son and about him not paying support. Document everything. Contact someone who can help you through the custody issues. You really do need some type of legal custody/support order in place, ideally you'd have full physical custody and perhaps you could move for supervised visitation based on the biofather's lack of interest in the child so far. YOu may also require permission from the courts to move out of state/out of country because that could impede a relationship with the other parent. Please consult with an atty familiar with custody issues in your area to protect both your son and yourself. Good luck!
post #10 of 11
Given the short distance between Seattle and Vancouver, you should not have difficulty with any issues regarding "impeding a relationship" as previously mentioned. It is a two hour drive plus any border waits, which are usually pretty good.

It is almost unfortunate that you did the responsible thing to try to contact him. Personally I would have written him off long ago let things lie until the last possible moment. The more time that passes the better your chances are for asking for no visitation, given the lack of visitation in the past. Get yourself some legal advice.
post #11 of 11
kdtmom2be: I was speaking from our personal issues and orders. My DH (and his EW) would have to get court permission to move 1/2 hour south from where we are as it's out of state. Actually, the BM in our case would have issues moving into the wrong county in our state, she's ordered to stay in a three county radius because any further would prevent my DH from having a realtionship with the kids more than she has.

2 hours each way for visitation equals about 4 hours in the car, not counting any border waits, travel time can impede a relationship as can moving across the border. the OP's best bet to protect her son is to get all the legal paperwork in place, do it right the first time and save a lot of trouble later.
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