My husband stresses about the practical stuff; on the other hand, he knows that I'm smarter than he is and that I'm usually right. (Sounds a little snooty, but it's not quite like that-- lemme 'splain.
I've always been poor, but I rarely worried about money. In my experience, the things that I've truly needed have come to me, when I needed them. I tried to explain this to my husband while we were dating, but he had to watch it happen a few times to understand. A few years ago, when I did my first treasure map, I told Mike what I was doing and he thought, basically, that positive visualizations couldn't hurt anything.
He's not as woohoo as I am, but he's remarkably mellow about such things; he's open to the idea.
On my first treasure map, I glued a picture of a minivan, a house, and a really cute one from a back issue of Mothering with a little boy, about three, holding his brand new sibling and grinning like a little fool, obviously in love.
Two months later, I had the minivan-- the one on my map was a silver Town & Country, 2003 (I only used one new magazine for my map, but they were all new to me.
); the one I ended up with was a silver Windstar, 2003. It looked remarkably similiar to the one on my map, just blew my mind...
A month after that, I had my precious baby girl BooBah, and several pictures of BeanBean holding his sister, grinning like a fool, totally in love.
He's been an amazing big brother from the very beginning, a helpful, sweet, loving little character.
I guess I know that it all works, first hand, but something is blocking me when it comes to wealth. I've finally defined what it is that I actually need: I need a house. I'd like it to be decent sized (three or four bedrooms) and be *ours*. That's all. I can't stand having a landlord, living at the whims of someone else, and flushing money down a toilet every month for a place where we can't even paint the walls without permission. It drives me bonkers. I need a house. I HAVE a house.
Anyway, I have no idea what exactly is blocking me when it comes to money. We don't have a lot of credit card debt; they don't give credit cards to people with credit as crappy as mine, and Mike has never bothered to get one (smart man!) and hasn't "needed" to, because nowadays you can get a Visa or a Mastercard from your bank and it works anywhere.
I give as much as I can give (sometimes more, it seems
), and I'm trying really hard to move clutter out of my life (literally and spiritually) but it's difficult. I think that there's got to be something else going on here, but I'm not sure what it is...
Maybe being poor is part of my identity, and it's difficult for me to give that up (though I'm disinclined to believe that's the problem). Maybe it's because I associate the word "abundance" with "fertility," and I'm terrified of getting pregnant right now (because we're poor and because Bella really needs her milk; even if we had all the money in the world, we'd be TTA right now for Bella's sake). Maybe it's because when I think about having loads of money, I think about giving much of it away just because I can...
I don't know.
I suppose it's time to try to do another Tarot reading on this issue. "What is preventing me from actualizing my wealth?"
I'll let you know how it goes.
In the meantime, I'm working on drawing the wealth of the universe toward myself in the form of a house which belongs to us, which we can paint any color and in which we can live, very comfortably, and be happy.
Last night, I had a dream about my fourth child. In that dream, the child was a girl. I was irritated when we found out, but I loved the kid to bits and I was okay with Mike getting snipped. I woke up feeling incredibly bummed that BeanBean would never have a brother....