Need support - disagreement w/DH and he's going to vax when I'm not here

[Ophelia]

DS got his 2 month shots and had what I thought was a bad reaction even tho everyone says normal (hardly ate for 16 hours, slept a lot and when not sleeping, very upset). was fine teh next morning.

what i wanted to do for 4 month shots (not that i necesarily even want them done yet) is just get ONE this time and see if reaction is less severe. husband wants to get done all at once. he mentioned it last night again and i told him some of the ingredients of shots, well he took that to mean i dn't want to get them done at all and now he has just threatened this morning that he is going to take kier in to get all the shots while i am out of town for software training for my job next week! monday and tuesday.

i feel i really need to be there when ds has shots, so it looks like i may be forced to get one or all 4 this week (friday)

i guess i'm just looking for suport, very upset right now. i know a lot of people would say wait on the vax but i ont' have any choice if i want tobe there when ds gets them.

[spero]

I'm so sorry mama - I don't know what to say. One of my biggest fears is that DH will suddenly decide that I'm wrong and we need to start vaxing the kids again. I barely convinced him to stop in the first place.

[wednesday]

Originally Posted by Ophelia

now he has just threatened this morning that he is going to take kier in to get all the shots while i am out of town for software training for my job next week! monday and tuesday.

Wow. That is not how a marriage is supposed to work. You've got a bigger issue than vaccines here. I guess I don't really have any helpful advice, but if my DH ever threatened to go behind my back like that, we would be in counseling the next day. If he wouldn't go I'd still go by myself.

Word of caution, most counselors probably won't be on your side about the vax thing (just because most people in general are pro-vax if they think about it at all) but the issue you have here is that you and your husband are having trouble reaching an understanding and he has said he is just going to do what he wants to do when you are not around to object. That is NOT OKAY.

[Ophelia]

thanks, we have been to counseling. Main issue is husband decides he does not want to talk to me anymore, and he doesn't. counselor said it's ok for someone to call a time out, but you cant' let it go too long and the one who wants to stop talking has to start again. plus he is very spiteful and mean like this.
husband has appt to start physical therapy this morning, and all i said was "good luck, i hope they can help you" and he started railing on me about the shots and threatened, and left to his appt.

I was/am going to compromise and get ONE SHOT this time to see if it lessens the reaction, but he wouldnt' even listen to me. I just called the ped's office and can do it any day this week but have to ask to work an earlier shift (i just started new job). Also trouble is DS and i are still trying to get over a cold (over a week now). I thought he was better, but still congested and still has snotty mucous. i know you're really not supposed to get shot while immune already compromised

he also said sometimes I get TOO MUCH information (which is why i'm resistant on vaxing or want delayed). Well has he done one iota of research? no. he trusts drs.

[LongIsland]

Originally Posted by Ophelia

*now he has just threatened this morning that he is going to take kier in to get all the shots while i am out of town for software training for my job next week!

*I was/am going to compromise and get ONE SHOT this time to see if it lessens the reaction, but he wouldnt' even listen to me.

*plus he is very spiteful and mean like this.

It's obviously not the vaccines he has a problem with. Something tells me that if you decided not to give your child a lollipop, he would give it to DS out of spite.

You wouldn't like my advice, so I'm going to keep it to myself, but I just wanted to let you know you have support here.

[Plummeting]

Well, if you really feel like you have to get one shot, have you decided which one it would be?

[yoyo65]

geez, sorry sis, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

As PP's stated earlier, I think there is a bigger issue here. Why does M feel the need to be so stubborn and then act like a child when he thinks he's not going to get his way? Why does he not want to look at the bigger picture? Does he ever do any research himself about anything? Has he read anything about vax's at all or is just doing what the doctor or other people say to do with out doing any research at all?

Maybe you could point out that Preston's ADHD may be caused by vaxs'? He's seen how Preston acts first hand. Of course that may just backfire on you and he would blame R and I for poor parenting,

Too bad I'm working on that Monday, I'd say drop K off over here Sunday on your way to the airport and I would keep him here until you got back. If K is not there, M can't take him to go get the shots: Just say we are all trying to help him out because of his bad back.

[spero]

Why don't you just cancel the appointment yourself, and gain a little bit of a foothold on the situation (and more time to reason with your DH)?

[bri276]

can you find someone to go with you to software training so that you can bring the baby? I was always on the border about vaxes until I read MT"s book, really, vaxing an infant that young is so dangerous I would just do anything in your power to stop it- especially the link between the 2 and 4 month vaxes and SIDS. has your DH ever read some of the stories of children who are vax damaged?
eta- I realize this is in selective & delayed, I'm not trying to pounce on you! mine had all her vaxes except hep b up until 9 months so I can relate.

[Ophelia]

I was typing fast, I shouldn't say he IS spiteful and mean, I should say he CAN be like that. he's not like that all the time.

LongIsland, I think I know what your advice would be, that's OK I'm sure from stuff like this some people think I should just kick him to the curb.

Plummeting, I was thinking about that, not sure which shot it would be. Don't know if one is any better than the others.

Sis, as far as I know he has not researched anything on it. At Kier's last shots I got ALL the inserts and read through ALL the fine print. He trusts the doctors and said "do you really think they would give people shots if they were bad for you?" sigh. Yeah, I could mention Preston (if he was talking to me) but he will just say "that could have been caused by anything, or genetics".

skellbelle, wish I had more time, I think he brought it up now because I'm going out of town. DS isn't even technically 4 months old yet!!
If I did hold off, he would just do it anyways while I am gone. At least if i get it done this week, I will be there and will only get one shot done instead of all 4 at once.

[mamakay]

I have no idea what to tell you. I'm so sorry.
Like LI said, just know you have support here.

[sophiekat]

can just you and your kiddo go to the appt, don't get any shots while you're there, and tell your husband that the doc wanted to wait due to the cold your kiddo has? normally i'm not in favour of outright deception, but it sounds to me like your husband is focusing on vax because he knows it will bother you and isn't thinking at all about your dc's well being.

[yoyo65]

Does M know the doctor's/clinic's name and number by heart? Probably not and he would have to look it up. Make that information disappear. I don't know if I was clear on this, does K have an appointment while your gone or is M just going to take him in without one? Cancel the appointment if you have one already and loose the names and number.

I told R if he does stuff behind my back while I'm at work, I am going to have to quit my job because if he can't be trusted while I'm not around then I'll just have to make it so I am around ALL THE TIME, which would drive him: , Then he would have to work two full time jobs, get rid of his precious satellite tv, Netflix, cell phones, scooter, etc. Would M be willing to do that?

[yoyo65]

Originally Posted by sophiekat

can just you and your kiddo go to the appt, don't get any shots while you're there, and tell your husband that the doc wanted to wait due to the cold your kiddo has? normally i'm not in favour of outright deception, but it sounds to me like your husband is focusing on vax because he knows it will bother you and isn't thinking at all about your dc's well being.

oooh, that's a good one too!!

[Ruthla]

What would happen if you called the dr's office and schedualed an appt for right after you get back? Would that prevent DH (and D doesn't mean "dear" right now) from taking the baby to the dr while you're gone? Will the baby be technically 4mo before you return? If not, can you clarify with the dr that you want to wait until he's fully 4mo before doing the vax?

Having the baby stay all day with a friend instead of DH is definitely a good idea!

Another thing I would do is start documenting everything that DH does/doesn't do with and about the baby. If you end up splitting up somewhere down the road, you want to strengthen your position in court for full legal custody (which is separate from physical custody- who has the baby when.) If you can document that you've been disagreeing about major decisions on DS since infancy, it lessens the chance of joint custody.

[Ophelia]

Unfortunately, waiting and/or scheduling the appt for after I get back will not work. He'd go ahead and take Kier in anyways, figuring that I would "change my mind" after I got back and then he'd have an even harder time getting it done.
he also seemed more worried about the $$ part of it than Kier's comfort. The main reason i want to try only 1 shot this time is to see if it makes a difference in Kier's reaction. husband goes on about that last night saying if we take him in 4 seperate times then we have to pay the $20 copay each time instead of getting it all done at once. I think he thinks that one shot at a time vs. 4 at once really isn't going to make a difference.

i did get some homeopathic "vaccination" tablets at the co-op yesterday, that is supposed to help with reactions to vax. has anyone tried those? I'll have to see what brand it is.

[Ophelia]

I just had a scary thought....even if I do get ONE shot this week, he could still go ahead and get the rest while I am gone. Well, we are both home this evening and he's pretty much not talking to me.
I know you're thinking, well why don't I just stay home and not go on this trip, well easier said than done I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and this shouldn't even be an issue right now. He has a good more 1-2 weeks(if you go by the "schedule"), in fact his first set of shots was at 25 weeks not 24.
My mom is helping him while I am gone becuase he is actually not supposed to lift anything, but that would not prevent him from going to the clinic.

[Ophelia]

ok now i'm scared....i always sleep with kier, nurse him and husband wantd to visitwith him so i puthim on the bed with husband, went and did some things and went back to get him so we could go to bed and mike says i'll keep him here, don't bother yourself. i said he's used to sleepign with me andhe needs to eat, mike says that's ok, i'll give him a bottle, and i made an appt so you dno't have to bother....

he's just acting really weird and mean. i fell like i need to leave but if i go to mom's, daycare is by my house.

he is on oxycontin right now for pain but honestly i think he may have acted like this even without it.

[alegna]

If he would take her to your usual ped. call your ped and tell him/her that you do NOT give consent for any vaccines if you are not there. That you're going to delay for now. Most drs. won't want to get in the middle of that kind of argument.

-Angela

[caedmyn]

The best advice I can give you is to listen to your mommy instinct and do what you feel you need to do to keep your son safe.