THE November 4 YO tribe ... - Page 8

[XmasEve]

Originally Posted by MamaFern

its my baby's birthday today!

:

And happy birthing day to you MamaFern!

[Mona]

:


HAPPY B'DAY FERN!!!!!!

and here is a message from Kathrynn:

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[saritasmile]

Happy Birthday Ngaio and Fern!!!!

[majazama]

happy b-day little ngaio!! You cute chunky little thing


I had a very eventful day today... my van has officially kicked the bucket. I was driving around with blue/gray smoke coming out of the exhaust, so I parked it at a mechanics and they basically told me that I should just get a new vehicle.... god damn cold weather.... I trust the universe will provide for me, though, so I'm not too upset about it, just sit and say "wow" quite a bit.:

and haeven went to preschool today for the first time as well. i don't think that's going to happen again. The way that the teacher acted when I told her that she's not vaccinated (injected w/ poison)... and her weird ways of dealing w/ things, and such a FAST PACE, god. I know haeven had a lot of fun, but when we got home, she was crying for EVER!! like some weird vibe had been attached to her. I got a ride home from the mechanics wife, if you're wondering how I got home.....

ah, life.

[DecemberSun]

Wow, Happy Happy Birthday Elwynn!!! A big 4 year old boy!

Jaz, I wish I could have given you my Dodge Ram Van instead of giving it to my stupid sister. She is such a loser... But she is pregnant and I figured if she got evicted from yet another apartment complex at least she'd have somewhere to live, YK? In a van down by the river!

I have been in pain. The hole in my wisdom tooth has gotten down to the nerve, so I have to brush it madly whenever food gets in it and take Tylenol, and it hurts very badly. Plus I prefer to sleep on my back and since I've had to sleep on my sides all night long my back is really REALLY killing me. It feels like I have a charlie horse under my right scapula all day long and everything I do is painful. So, yeah, I have been a crab lately and trying to remain positive because I have 13 more days till my appointment to get this damn tooth yanked out. But man oh man, it freakin HURTS!!! :

So, what should I do about Julianna? Her shyness has turned into downright rudeness. She refuses to talk to people, even those she knows. She looks down at the ground and ignores people, or she grunts like an animal and covers her face with her hand. At first I thought it was the whole 'bio family confusion' thing, and because she was afraid of her Grandma (she still won't even talk to her after 8 months of visits). Last night we went to the children's hospital because a local photographer had offered to give all the trach'ed pediatric patients free Christmas photos. She was *completely* fine until we got into the room to sit down for our photos and all of a sudden she started sobbing for seemingly no reason. The photographer's assistants were trying to baby her (IMO), and actually asked me if she could open her present!!! I was like- oh yeah, please reward her bad behavior. The way I saw it Julianna was getting attention from the assistants so she was milking it and continuing her little fit for more attention. I asked her what was wrong and she just stared at me and kept crying, wouldn't give me a reason. I took her outside and sat her on a bench and tried to calm her down. I explained that we were taking a new picture to hang above the fireplace and everyone wanted to see how big she has gotten and how pretty she looked in her nice dress. I was patient (IMO) and just tried to be nice and calm her down- instead of ringing her little neck like I wanted to. I mean, come on, I had the photographer in there, donating his time during the holidays to take our pictures for free, all the assistants waiting, Zachary sitting in there waiting for us to take the picture, Crystal in her wheelchair waiting for us, and DH waiting while holding Kaylee, who started crying when I left because she's a mama's girl. I was so mad at Julianna because there was absolutely NO reason for her to act out like that, other than the fact that she thought the assistants enjoyed goo-gooing and ga-gaing over her, and babying her. : She kept covering her face and frowning for all the pictures, but I didn't care- I just told her that she would have to explain to everyone why she looked so unhappy in our family picture when we hang it on the wall. Then, after the whole ordeal, they handed out little Christmas gifts for all the kids, and Julianna wouldn't say thank you when she opened hers. (Yes, I think it is important to be appreciative when someone takes the time to give you a free gift- I know some of you don't agree with me, like it's "forcing" them to say thank you.) Then when it was time to leave she started sobbing again that she didn't want to leave!!! UGH! I was so frustrated! One of the ladies even asked me how long she had lived with us, as if to say that her behavioral problems had stemmed from being a 'poor little foster child with no one to love her' or something. I said "We've had her since she was four days old" and I was thinking "so I guess her attitude is my fault." : I know I am more edgy now that I am pregnant, but I have 3 other kids who all act appropriately in public- they say thank you when people pay them a compliment, say hello when someone says hello, look people in the eye, etc. So why does Julianna insist on being the one who acts like a child raised by wolves? I am so tired of having people look at me like "Teach your kid some manners, lady!!!" because I AGREE with them- she shouldn't be so damn rude all the time! So, when do you accept the shyness as shyness and when do you draw the line at rudeness??? Or do you? I personally don't think she has any "right" to be rude to people just because she is confused about her visits with her Grandma. Do you think these issues stem from the bio family confusion and the jealousy of the new baby sister? And how do I get down to the bottom of it so she stops being such a brat? (Sorry, but she is ) Am I being a bitch? She is also having some other issues- like not listening, directly disobeying, lying, hiding things, etc., which are started to piss me off. She seems to be getting out of control, and I don't want her to go too far because I don't think I can handle the aftermath, YK? And really I am tired of feeling judged by people because my kid is so fricking rude and disrepectful. (Zachary is not like this.) So, any advice? Thanks for letting me vent, ladies... :

DH s taking J and Z to the lake to run some old gas out of the boat (too cold for me, thank you!), so Crystal and I are going to wrap some presents while Kaylee naps. Have a good day, Mamas.

[Mona]

hugs mama!!! sounds like you had a really difficult day!!! urgh, i hate those kind of days.

imo, i personally wouldn't look at it as much as her being rude, as that some need was not being met. who knows what it was. could be a growing pain, or something energetic, or some other thing that you might not be able to "see." I dunno, i have a kid who others might call rude. i just would rather look at her with bright eyes, rather then the dark ones sometimes dh uses. she has moments when she just can't process things, and becomes a beatch for no reason that i can think of. but jsut because i can't identify the reason doesn't mean that there's not a valid reason, ykwim?
i mean, even for us adults- we don't communicate what is wrong w/ us a lot of the time, and we have the langauge and the maturity to do so. so when a 4 yo doesn't do that, i really TRY not to get too pissed off. maybe she just needed some extra love and hugs.

how has she been today?

hope that all makes some sense, i'm kinda hurrying and donmt have time to proof read. but i'm sure you are all used to my mispellings and dyslexic tendencies by now.

[majazama]

I think it sounds to me like shes showing just how she feels inside. THe poor kid has been told she's going to go live with her grama, or dad, whom she barely knows, for a year (or more?)... I think she might have just realized how shitty the deal is for her. You are getting more pregnant by the day, and everyone else is comfortable in their place living there with you. I really feel for her. I hope she can have a happy childhood, wherever she 'ends up'... and doesn't 'rebel' like crazy.

I can't belive that the social workers, judge, whoever it is that makes these dicisions think it's good for her to have this dragged out for so long. it's crazy. they need a kick to the head, IMO. Her family wasn't there for her when she was born, and they aren't even there at half the visits.

((())) for julianna and leah!!!

[XmasEve]

Jaz, I'm sorry about the van. I'll keep you in my thoughts- imagining a better vehicle coming your way! And I hear you on the preschool thing. Maybe the van dying WAS the universe's way of saying H shouldn't go to preschool right now

Leah, that sounds awful. I don't know what I would do in your shoes, as I have no idea what foster kids and their foster parents go through. If dc1 were acting that way, I would keep her out of public. Either skipped the picture thing, or not included her if she was inclined to behave that way. Wouldn't take her out to where she will be shy/rude to people. Handled each indiscretion at home on a case by case basis. Figured there was something going on that love and patience would solve, and to stick close to the hearth in the meantime (while sneaking away aplenty to seek support online : ). In J's case, maybe it is the foster thing. When dc1 reaches the point where she's being a totally uncooperative and uncommunicative, if I can't trace it to a physical cause, I'm only left to think emotional. They just CAN'T reason yet, in most cases, yk? And they can't explain to use what they are feeling. Maybe the picture thing set her off because she's wondering if she'll get to be in the picture next year. It's sad that they're old enough to have these thoughts, but can't yet express them to us for reassurances. Or maybe she had an itch in her tights as was too embarressed to scratch in front of the photographer. We never know Take care of yourself, get that tooth pulled, find some way to get your back to stop hurting, breathe.

We're STILL sick, which is why I've been absent. Seen the naturopath twice. The kids are on a slow mend, but I still feel like shit. I'm realizing this is probably emotionally based, and was a year in coming, so I'm in for it. Ugh. :

[XmasEve]

It's December...

Should there be a new thread? I'm new to all this so I just don't know. Oh, and I'm lazy too.

[DecemberSun]

Thanks for the thoughful replies, mamas. I knew I'd get some fresh persepctives if I posted on here.

We do not talk about Julianna moving to her Grandma's anymore. We found that her behaviors just got too out of control. She seemed happy and loving on the surface but she would cry about *every* *little* *thing* and we thought it was just too confusing for her to process the whole situation. And at the rate it's going we don't even know if she will move at all. Of course the tribe is pushing for it, but Grandma doesn't really want to raise another child. And the whole point of setting up visits was to encourage bonding but they are no closer than they were when they started, so I don't know if the courts will force Julianna to move in February, or keep trying to slowly set up a relationship. The social worker and Grandma seem to think that we need to go really slowly and take as much time as possible, but I actually disagree. It is making it way harder for Julianna! All this "someday" and "maybe" and trying to process stuff she can't comprehend makes it very confusing for her. I think in some ways it would have been easier to just move her in one fell swoop so she didn't have to try to imagine all this complicated stuff, YK? Right now we just say she's going to visit Grandma Angie, and after she's sure we're going with her and that she's coming back home, she seems fine with it. (Still won't talk to her though!)

It's getting hard for Julianna also because I talk about the baby inside me and how Zachary was born 4 years ago yesterday, and he grew in my belly... And Julianna says "Me too?" I have given up trying to explain to her that she grew in Mama Jessica's tummy because Julianna has never even met the woman, so how in the world can she process that? She understands that she and Kaylee and Crystal are 'different', but OTOH she doesn't want to acknowledge it. She and Zach ask every now and then why Kaylee's mom doesn't want her, but they never ask about Julianna's mom because as far as they're concerned there never was one besides me!

So I hope you understand that I am as patient as I can be with Julianna when she has her little "behaviors", it's just frustrating for me inside because I begin to think that her behavior is a reflection of how I have parented her. When is fact it is probably a reflection of the turmoil taking place in her little heart. And maybe there never will be a rhyme or reason to it, I just have to take it day by day. As far as keeping her home... Well, she's rude every where we go so I don't really want to exclude her from every single social situation. She has most recently become a real snob- sorry, but it's the best way to describe it! I know she is confident enough to assert herself and say "Screw you, I don't have to do what you say", but it can get be a little much at times, YK? And I definitely don't want her to hide inside herself because she feels like she has to be protected from everyone and everything painful, because that can be very dangerous throughout her life if that is her only coping mechanism. Maybe I should get her into some therapy... I mentioned it once to her social worker when we first started the "transition home" process and she kind of scoffed at me like Julianna wouldn't need it, and I was being one of those difficult white women...

Anywayzzz... Sorry to write a novel here. My baby turned 4 yesterday. We had a huge party and most of his friends made it. The birthday boy had a GREAT time! We had a Lightning McQueen cake and Zach got lots of cool presents- my friends and family actually listened to me when I told them not to buy him junk! He got some quarters to save for gumballs, and some cash money, which of course he was thrilled about. He got a huge basketball game, a cute little Lightning McQueen chair, clothes, some rubber bugs, bubble bath, play money, some more play food, and a Light Bright! I know I sound like a big biatch when I harp on everyone about buying thoughtless junk, but they finally FINALLY started listening to me!

[pranamama]

Leah, I think counselor's are wonderful, now I used to scoff at them too but it would be nice if you could get her in and established and then insist that grandma continue during the transition, if it happens. It would get an impartial best interest of the child view advice giver involved as well as help her process some of the emotions she must be feeling.

[tea olive]

hey leah. i've been thinking about you.

ruby's thing lately is to get right in my face and yell "WHO CARES" when i have told her something.

i haven't firmly disciplined it cos i am just baffled and floored by it and just trying not to explode in the moment. i want to pretend it is no big deal silly so she will just give it up, rather than me freaking out.

leah, you have done a wonderful job with julianna. you would know now, for future instances, to reconsider this lengthy courtship thing with the grandmother. for the sake of julianna. but this getting to know them was also for you. it gives you time and less mystery about where she is going. some counseling would be a good thing. i wish there could be an intermediary, a different social worker to really figure things out.

as for her pregnancy, you could just tell them that she grew in your heart.

------it's just frustrating for me inside because I begin to think that her behavior is a reflection of how I have parented her------

well, now that is a well written statement! it basically sums up how i tend attack myself about my own parenting. if ruby is any indication, it is also the age.

her behaviour is understandable, and your position is tricky and delicate. or not. she is too young to understand all the stuff going on. she just sees as do you love and accept her or not. you can be overwhelmingly declaring you are her mother forever to yourself and your family. in many ways you already are, it is the fear of hurt of losing her that stops you from fulfilling this role and the intelligent knowledge of possibilities. and yes, if you do emotionally commit as complete mamma, she will be very bewildered that you gave her up and be very hurt and probably very confused and angry at you for a long time. but she will not be confused about whether you love her because she can detect some kind of hesitation due to circumstances, and this waiting period could be different. she just needs you to say that you will be her mamma forever, which is hard to say, but in the end will be true.

I DON"T KNOW WHICH WAY IS BETTER. the way you have been going, being as truthful as you see possible, has been truly fine, i couldn't have done any better, but with your pg, it seems very hard to stand or you are naturally more emotional and she can sense all these changes. i think unconsciously she is trying to get you to reject her, she is testing you because she feels unsure.

that sounds very big but really, i have clay and ruby doing the same thing in their own form. they are not as mature as they can talk.

this will be the second time this week i have really flapped my opinion. if it is not wanted, please say so and i will quit it. i just want things to be easier for you, i want you to find some sense of peace in you about what is going on.

love you.
casina

[saritasmile]

Hey I just wanted to send everyone a big I feel like we all need one~ I know i do. things w/ razi haven't been exactly great (or even good) either lately. and rajani is sick and can barely breath out of her nose

casina~you've asked me a few ?'s lately and i feel bad that i haven't responded...first, i am sooo okay on clothes!, lol! lots of people have given us bags of hand-me-down (my favorite since all the nasty stuff in new clothes is washed out) but thank you so much for thinking of me and asking
sling stuff~ i've worked out the kink or at least for now i did

[MamaFern]

sarita, you both look so beautiful!
im sorry to hear about her being sick.. its no fun at all.. steam helps for that..
and she looks sooo cute in the hat i knit

[saritasmile]

Fern~ i loooove the hat so much! it has been super cold here so perfect timing. i'm sure i'll be getting more sizes later :

[DecemberSun]

Thanks, Casina.

I believe that most of her issues are 'testing', to see how far she can go. "How much can I get away with and have you still love me?" And she probably does sense a certain amount of detachment on my part because I keep going back and forth- one minute nobody wants her and she's staying with me forever, then the mext minute I have to prepare myself for the possibility of her leaving- so I have to sort of prepare myself emotionally. I try not to, but I find myself doing it anyway. Never outwardly obvious or anything, but in little ways I feel myself trying to slip away. She must be picking up on it, and now I feel terrible. Of course I love her more than anything- there was a time when I was content to not have any more babies and just raise my boy and girl "twins"... Until her Grandma stepped forward out of nowhere, that is. And no, this new baby is in no way a 'replacement' for Julianna. But I do think it might help keep be busy if Julianna does end up leaving in the spring...

So, anyhoo... My back hurts and my tooth hurts- but Julianna has been relatively good today.

[majazama]

leah~ is there any way that you could talk directly with the grama? tell her how you feel this is effecting julianna, and tell her to come to all the appointments, or none, and let julianna grow up with stability..

how do you feel about native culture? that is why they want her back, right? To be with the tribe, and learn the traditional ways... maybe there is a way to make a compromise.. maybe she could learn about her tribe and what they do/did (respecting earth and it's creatures, great spirit...) so she can have some appreciation for that. I don't know. I hope for the best for little julianna

sarita~ beautiful sling, mama, and baby!

does someone else want to take over the new thread deal, cause I'm not really up to it right now?

[saritasmile]

Here it is!! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=571452

[goddessjulia]

Originally Posted by DecemberSun

So I hope you understand that I am as patient as I can be with Julianna when she has her little "behaviors", it's just frustrating for me inside because I begin to think that her behavior is a reflection of how I have parented her. When is fact it is probably a reflection of the turmoil taking place in her little heart.

as a relatively new person here (just found you all a few months ago) I'm finally piecing your family situation together! IKWYM about getting triggered by thinking the behaviors are my fault. your last sentence there, though, is the truth, as you obviously know. I find it is harder to keep my heart open to the sadness and grief I feel when looking at the truth-- they hurt, and we can't always fix it-- than to just get mad and blame my child : I'm re-reading Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles right now, regaining some of my perspective on the fact that there is always some need underlying the behavior that pushes my buttons SO MUCH! we've been dealing with major rudeness lately too; my mom has (thankfully) said, "yeah, that's something they all have to go through." whew! especially since a lot has been directed at her! he's yelling at people, saying shutup a lot, growling, etc. we're just sticking with the old "you can feel this way, but do this, because we don't (fill in the blank)." I don't know how long it will take, but so far I'm still hoping it will eventually sink in...

Originally Posted by DecemberSun

We had a Lightning McQueen cake and Zach got lots of cool presents- my friends and family actually listened to me when I told them not to buy him junk! He got some quarters to save for gumballs

this sounds like my little guy! he is all about the gumball machines-- food lion is his favorite grocery store because of their gumball selection! we had a "just family" party because we haven't made many friends for him around here yet (he was sooo disappointed when he found out no kids were coming ). he got the Cars movie and would have looooved a lightning mcqueen cake! instead daddy insisted on making a very grown-up italian cream cake, which was very yummy, to me anyway! I can't believe he's FOUR...

[tea olive]

julia, come find us in the new thread!