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I want another baby, he doesn't - any advice?

post #1 of 43
Thread Starter 
Okay, I am going to try not to make this message too long. I really need some advice though.

First I want to say that I have two wonderful kids (boy and girl) and I feel extremely blessed to have two healthy children. My kids are my life!!

I do however feel like there is a huge void in my life, almost like I know that there is another child for me in my future (this may sound absurd, but I am sure of it). My husband says that he doesn't want anymore kids and we should be happy with the two kids that we have - which I am! He tries to say that all babies grow up and then I will want another, but I don't agree with his thoughts- I just know that I want one more child. Our kids are spaced pretty far apart (14 & 6) and he thinks that they are more than enough and that we would not be able to do the things we do now financially if we had another (he wants to have cars, 4wheelers, etc. for the kids). Our kids ever suffer and they have more than any kid could ever want, so I really think we would make it fine.

I have kept my feelings about having another baby in for over 3 years (sad I know), because I know that he really doesn't want anymore children. However, it finally came up (during sex of all times) a few months ago and it turned into a huge fight. He says that I should respect his decision, but what about mine? Why don't my feelings mean anything to him? I know that he knows how passionate I am about this and how I feel about kids - he often tells people that have babies, to keep them away from me (he says it jokingly) because he knows how I feel. I guess he thinks it will just make my feelings go away, but it doesn’t.

Our only form of birth control is the withdrawal method, but I know it works as we have used it between each child for a total of 14 years with NO accidents. I often wish for an accident as you always here this method called the "pull and pray" method, but it hasn’t been that way for us. He never slips up and ALWAYS pulls out!! He has talked about getting a vasectomy, but I break down in tears and he ends up not doing it. I keep thinking if he was really sure about not having anymore, then he would have gotten the V, but he really doesn’t appear to want anymore.

He tried to con me into not having another baby by saying that I could get a B&G Macaw next year after we move and that temporarily made me feel better, but in the long run that is not going to solve the issue at hand. I can get a macaw later in my life, I want another child before I can’t have anymore (I am only 32, so I do still have some time).

Whenever I see babies and pregnant people I am happy for them, but sad at the same time. I just long for a baby and each month wonder if maybe an accident happened (but I know it never will). This month was especially hard on me as my sister is pregnant and it was an unexpected pregnancy (pull out method) and he boyfriend is a loser and they are now split up. She has gone back and forth from contemplating adoption (she won’t really do that though) to thinking she can’t handle the baby. In reality, she really doesn’t need a baby as she is young and not financially or mentally in the right place… but, she is going to have a baby. It makes me sad because I long so much for one and here god hands her one when she doesn’t need one. I love her and will do whatever to help with her and her baby (can’t wait to meet my niece/nephew), but I am still sad for myself.

I guess all this time I thought maybe an accident would happen, but am now realizing it’s not going to happen that way and that I want my hubby to want another baby as much as I do. I know I should probably talk with him about it again, but I know it will be a fight. I really don’t even know what to say… I am having a hard time even putting together a list of reasons why it is so important to me.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Have you been in this situation and found a way to work your way through it with your husband? How did it turn out, what worked for you?

I am sorry this has been such a long message, I am really just trying to get some help/advice in how I should handle this. I am nearly in tears as I write this.

Thank you for listening and for any advice you may have!!
post #2 of 43
I can't really give you any advice, I just wanted to give you a , you are in a really hard place, with no easy solution. It is really hard when one person is 'done' before the other. I would just keep talking to your husband, and explain your side of the situation as thoroughly as possible.
post #3 of 43
I agree with Anne. It is really hard when one person wants another baby and the other doesn't. I don't know what I would do in your situation... it's interesting that he suggested getting a bird. My doula suggested to a woman who was having baby fever that she get a puppy. It seems like a really sort of crappy suggestion but then the lady got the puppy and she LOVED it, and the baby fever settled for a year or so. That doesn't give you a long term fix at all, but maybe it might fill that nurturing/mothering spirit you are feeling so strongly. In the meantime, what about writing your DH a letter and explaining your feelings in there? That's often easier for me when it's something very touchy, yk?
post #4 of 43
Maybe you need to try and be certain what your husband's biggest concern is - if it is the financial aspect maybe you could try to show him the budget/expenses that a new baby would bring - if you can show him how little it would affect your finances (hopefully this is the case anyway!) then maybe that would help with his concerns. Then you can work on explaining to him how very much this would mean to you and how you can't see not having one more baby. Maybe if you also discuss having permanent birth control put in place after this baby that will also reassure him that it really is just one last child.

Unfortunately, this is one situation where compromise isn't a great choice - you either have another baby or you don't. So it might seem like your husband is discounting your wishes, and he probably feels you are discounting his - hopefully a talk about the impact of another baby - instead of just the desire for another baby - would help sort things out.

As for your sister - I'm sure that hurts, but try not to look at it as her getting a baby she doesn't "need". It may be that she does need the baby, or that your family as a whole needs that baby to be born - there are always greater consequences that we can see in the present.

I hope you and your husband can agree to have one more baby and you find the fulfillment you are seeking.
post #5 of 43
Keep talking to him about it. My husband started out for sure not wanting any more kids, no way no how, but the more I talk about it, the more open to it he is. I *think* we have finally decided to wait 5 years and then reassess whether we want another child then or not. Of course, I still will. Maybe he will by then, too. We are most likely going to adopt if we decide we want another at that point.

I know how difficult this is. There have been so many threads here at MDC with people saying that you shouldn't have another child if you both don't want it, that you should respect the feelings of the person who doesn't want another, but I always think, what about the person who DOES want another? YOUR feelings about it are just as valid as his.
post #6 of 43
I am also in the same boat, except I have 3 kiddos and I want #4. My dh was fine with having 3, though he would have been happy to stay with 2. I never would have dreamed I would long for more after having been blessed with 3 children. But I want another so bad.

For us it really is in our mindset. I believe all children are a gift from God and that procreation is a wonderful gift we have been given and should use often. My husband also thinks children are gifts from God, but that we should treasure each gift by not having too many so that we can spend lots of time with the children we have. For me, more kids equals more love, for him it means less love. Since his reason for not wanting more is b/c he wants to be a better dad I can' t really fault him.

I guess that is my first suggestion to you is to figure out why DH doesn't want more. If it is a reason you can respect that makes it slightly easier. If it is something that doesn't resonate with you then y'all can really talk through his concerns. Is is money? Is it time? Does he not like the baby stage? If you can narrow in on the exact issue then maybe you can figure out ways around his concerns and make him feel better about the idea.

Good luck! For me I am hoping time will solve our issues. My baby is 8 months old so maybe when he is older we can get serious about chatting about number 4! You are young too so time may help as well.
post #7 of 43
Thread Starter 
Noodlegirl~ I think you are right, I need to figure out exactly why. I really think it is numerous things...
*he wants to enjoy the two we have
*why do the baby thing again and have to pay out so much money for daycare (our youngest just started school so daycare is done). My opinion, now that she's out, why not put another in... better yet why don't I just stay home part time.
*more money for our two - more kids equals less money to around
*babysitters are far and few between already - add another child it gets harder to find a sitter (though our oldes is a teenager).
*college cost - my opinion, they will all be going to college at different times.

I understand these things, but at the same time it doesn't end my want/desire for another baby/child. I am trying hard to just help my sister in her time of need right now, maybe that will help quench my desire (or make it worse).

Becoming- I agree, it's really not fair for either party... someone gets their way and someone doesn't. If only we could agree.

Izzy's mom- I have thought about approaching the subject with a permenant form of birthcontrol in the end.... BUT, I am afraid he will want me to get the perm. birth control and I am terrified of surgery. It's so much easier for the man!!!

I need to come up with some valid concrete talking points as to why it would be good to have another baby -- I am just struggling with this. All I can think of is that I love kids, want a bigger family and have the love to go around... probably not going to grab his attention though!! Any advice?

I totally agree about my sister - it just makes me sad because she really doesn't want the baby and talks about giving it up for adoption often. However, I do think she will love the baby and I will do whatever I can to help her - maybe that is my place to help her instead of myself. I also think about the fact that I have a teenage daughter. When I was 18, I ended up pregnant and my mother was pregnant... I expect my daughter to NOT follow my footsteps, but what if??? I really would want to be there for her if that happened.

Augustine~ I agree... the puppy might work for a while (I actually got a puppy last year and it helped for a while), but it doesn't solve the real underlying desire.

Jbmill~ thanks for the hugs... I am feeling a little better today, probably was PMS really getting to me yesterday... I still feel strongly about this, just not as emotional today.

I appreciate everyone's replies! It really helps to talk through this with others that understand!!
post #8 of 43
nak. no animal will be a sustitute unless what you really want is the animal. I firmly believe that the greatest gift you can give a child is a sibling, what a great experience for you teenager to learn how to care for a baby (and babysit for goodness sakes). As for money- this is a common statement in our society to justify small families. Kids do not need things, they need family. Having less for the other 2 teaches them an important thing- that money isn't paramount, nor is it that important (though it does make thing easier. If they want to go to college, they can pay for it (and probably appreciate it more), get a scholarship, or go to a state school (much less expensive). Having another child will not prevent him from enjoying the other 2, it might have the opposite effect, and allow him to see how loving and nurturing the other 2 can be. Have you talked with them about having another sibling? what are their thoughts? In my opinion, money is fleeting, as is time, and I have never met anyone who regrets having that last child once they look at their sweet little face.
post #9 of 43
no advice for you mama, just s My hubby is adament he doesn't want another though I am starting to get a little bit of baby fever now. I hope a few years down the road when our little ones are older he will be more open to another.

I think the previous posters have had some wise words. I know it must be hard to think of not having anymore, especially because you still have quite a few years of fertility yet - that's a big thing for me...to think of so many long years of being fertile but with no babies.

If money is a big thing for him could you start putting money away? Would he be opposed to that? It sounds like you work out of the home. Could you open a savings account up and start putting a little of your spending money away? If he asks why just tell him you're saving to pay for the up front costs of having a new baby, and if he remains firm on no new baby you can put it towards college for the two you have already I don't know if that would help but I know my hubby worries about paying for yet another birth in our case.

I think most of what you can do is just pray about it, if you're the praying type. Talk to him or write him, but in the end you do have to respect his wishes - a child is a big thing. Perhaps pray and mention it from time to time. Bring out pictures or bring up good memories of babyhood for your first two every once in awhile. And maybe when he sees your sister's new baby with you it will help him realize how wonderful another child would be.

Wishing you the best mama
post #10 of 43
Thread Starter 
Thank you for ALL of your kind words!!

I brought this up over the weekend and as I knew would happen I became tongue tied. He thinks I want another baby because I have to always be nurturing someone... maybe he's right, but that is me and there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

He told me that he does not want anymore kids and that he's not in a place that he wants to go "backwards" - our kids are old enough that they can be self sufficient alot of the time and he likes that. He says he doesn't want to go back to doing diapers, daycare and having the extra expense. So it's not just the money (but it is some of it), but he also says he loves his kids and sometimes finds it hard to be patient with them (sometimes he's better than I am though), so he's not sure if he would have enough patients for another.

I do understand his feelings and I totally respect his feelings, at the same time I don't really think he understands how much this means to me. It doesn't help that I have a hard time expressing my feelings of "why" this would be a good thing.

Last night I said a nice prayer that God would either help me be able to deal with his decision or that my dh would come around. I hope that I can get over this and stop being so emotional about it. It has bothered me for a while, but for some reason it's so bad that I find myself in tears often about the thought of not having another baby.

I even went so far as to tell him that he could get fixed if he agreed to one more (he says he is convinced that I would still want more after another - I don't agree). He says that if he ever did agree, it would have to be me that got fixed. I don't think I could ever agree to that as I am terrified of surgery!! Maybe that could be my stance with him... agree to have another baby and I will get fixed. Doesn't quite seem fair to me - why can't he do it? Even if I agreed to that, he probably still won't budge.

So last night I went to bed in tears and could not sleep well all night... then I had dreams about becoming pregnant and the dream went so far as to be able to see in my belly as the egg was fertilized and implanted and grew into a baby - when it was born it was a boy. It was so real!! The only thing about my dream that seems off was that I think my next would be a girl, but I could be wrong. Guess I will never know what the next would be since my dh doesn't appear to be budging on this one!!

Well thank you for listening to me... I will probably still be here from time to time or maybe I need to find another hobby.
post #11 of 43
Thread Starter 
Well we talked about this again last night and he made a comment that he thought I needed counseling as he doesn't understand my need for another baby... this must be a mom thing because it's extremely hard to explain it to a man!!! I was deeply hurt by his lack of understanding and his rude comment. I told him it was fine for him to have his opinion, but I also had a right to have my own opinion. We argued a bit, then I took my shower. After he took his shower he came in and said he was sorry and that he didn't mean what he said. He asked if I would be mad if he got fixed - I told him do whatever you want. He says -- oh, so are you going to have an affair so that you can have another baby? I just said whatever... he's being childish about this now.

I do think he has valid points about why we shouldn't have anymore (not the most recent comments, but previously), but it really doesn't make me feel any better. He acts like I am the only human being that wants more than two kids... like there is something strange about that.

Part of me thinks that my husband is right... we have two healthy kids and things are good now -- we have extra money (no more daycare, only latchkey) and are in the process of building a custom home. My sister is expecting a baby next year and I know she will need help with her little one (she's young and has a lot of issues herself) so that will help fill the void hopefully...

I am resolving at this point to let god take lead on this one... either he will change my mind or his or perhaps we will be blessed at some point unexpectedly. We use W/D as our form of BC and though I know it's not a 100%, it's worked for us for a combined total of 14 years with no accidents. The likely hood of an unexpected pregnancy would be slim, but I guess you never know... god has a way of working in mysterious ways.
This is the only way that I can resolve myself to not be so consumed and upset about this... now let's just hope my husband hasn't been totally freaked out and gets fixed!! Then again, he may realize that this is important to me and change his mind (doubtful though).

Please say a prayer for me if you don't mind -- I would appreciate it!! The last couple of nights have been sleepless nights!

Thanks again for listening and if anyone else has any insight, I am all ears!
post #12 of 43
I am sorry you guys are not agreeing on this. I don't have any suggestions other than to tell you something that we do in our family in regards to decisions we disagree on. When we disagree, after talking about it... giving some time and talking about it again... if we still disagree we make the decision that causes the least harm or change to the family.

So for us, if one of us absolutely did not want another baby, there wouldn't be another baby. If one of us wanted to circ and the other did not, we wouldn't circ. If one wanted to vax and the other did not, we wouldn't vax. We do it that way because once you make a big decision to cause change to your family you can not take it back... however if you do not make the change you can always re-evaluate down the road.

So my suggestion is to give it time for now and wait it out... you never know, maybe in a year you will both be in a different place and think differently about this. If you had a baby right now even tho he doesn't want one I imagine the effect on your marriage would be huge and that is not something you can take back or redo. However who is to say that in a year he wont be ready for another one? I hope you guys can find some peace with this.
post #13 of 43
Sympathy to you mama; you seem so torn up by this. I hope you can come to some sort of resolution.

I have to say that your dh's position seems extremely reasonable to me. He doesn't want another child. Period. And his reasons are all very sound. He sounds like a really good dad, one who takes his responsibilities as a father very seriously, and a man who knows his limits and what he's capable of. He wants to do his best by the two kids he has, and doesn't think he could do that with three.

I feel the same way, for myself. I can't fathom having a third child. So it's easy for me to see where he's coming from. On the other hand, I've experienced "baby lust" so I see where you're coming from as well.

I guess what I think is that you need to take a really hard look at the life you have and your relationship with your husband, and think about how that would change if you had another baby. Would your dh be able to give it the love and attention that he gave your other two? Would it create life-long resentment and the feeling that he did something he didn't want?

And also, you need to take a look at it from your side, as well. Would this be a life-long regret? Can you live with what you've got, or would you have life-long resentment if you didn't have another?

One thing I think is really crucial to consider. Please don't pray for/try to engineer an "accident". Getting pregnant now, without the two of you resolving the situation, would be a terrible mistake. He'd feel tricked and defeated, and you wouldn't be able to enjoy the pregnancy, knowing he didn't intend for it to happen. I'd go so far as to say that you might want to look into using condoms till this is resolved, just to make sure it won't happen.

I'm not one to jump on the counseling bandwagon at the drop of a hat, but in this situation, I think talking this over with a neutral third party might be the best thing for both of you, since you seem to be at an impasse.
post #14 of 43
Thread Starter 
Patchymama- You have a very good point... at this point I am not going to push the issue any further! As I said, we have a good life with two great kids... though I feel like there is a peice of our family missing and I feel sad about it, I still know that we are happy as is. I would never want to have a baby that my husband did not want.

When I was referring to leaving this up to God, I definitely did not mean that I would be praying for an accident. I only said that because I figure that God will have happen what he feels is best for our family. I would never want my husband to resent me, the baby or our family for an accident!!
I figure either I will realize that this is for the best or maybe in time he will see things differently - only time will tell.

Atleast I am not as emotional about it as I had been. I am going to try to focus on the great things we have going for us NOW and try to forget about this for a while. I keep wondering if part of the reason I am feeling so upset about this is possibly the finalism of not having another baby more than anything??? I have talked with a few of my older friends who said they went through a similar time period when they thought they wanted more kids... so maybe this is all a part of life.
post #15 of 43
I sympathise with your feelings, but also with your dh's. It sounds like one problem in the discussions is that your dh is very clear about why he doesn't want another child but you are having a harder time pinning down why you do. Maybe you could decide to take a period like a couple of months when you won't discuss it and you will think very carefully about just what it is that you feel. Once you've done a little thinking, it might be helpful to talk it through with a therapist - not because it's something you need to "get over" or anything, but just to help you clarify your feelings.

Then once you've done that you'll be better able to assess why (and how much) another child is important to you and assuming you still want one, feel more able to explain your position to your dh. Then the two of you will have to make some decision about the relative importance of having/not having another one, and how either choice would affect the health of your marriage, the happiness of the children you have, and so on.
post #16 of 43
not sure what to say, but if he is wanting it, he could get to the point of resentment and that isnt good for you or the baby. i went through this, she is 21 months now, and he is more a part of her, but in the beginning till a little while ago it was all me, but that is just my experience. good luck on whatever you choose
post #17 of 43
so many s for you mama. I know its hard but I think the pp have made good points.

It does sound like your hubby has been childish about it in your last few discussions. That's not excusable but it probably means it's better if you just drop the issue for now. I'm at the same place. Anytime I mention wanting another baby one day my husband shoots the idea down or makes a little joke that hurts me much more than it should. That's really a cue to me that I should just drop it for now.

I have a good friend expecting a baby in January and I'm looking forward to helping her - I know you're feeling the same way about your sister. Are there any other ways you can help out with babies? If you go to church you could volunteer in your church nursery and cuddle babies there. Or you could volunteer in the NICU at your local hospital. My mother desperately wanted three or four children but had an emergency hysterectomy after my brother (baby #2) was born. She took a lot of comfort nuturing babies in the NICU and children's ICU. These are of course if you think helping with other babies would help more than they might hurt.

Your thoughts on focusing on how grateful you are for what you have now are also wonderful. It's easy to get caught up in wanting and not realizing the treasures we have now. You may find that the baby desire passes or you may find your hubby becomes open to another one...just sit tight and trust in his choice for now.
post #18 of 43
Thread Starter 
I decided to write him a letter last night... I basically explained my feelings, explained that I understood his position and would only want another child if we BOTH wanted it. I also told him that if was 100% sure in his heart that he did not want anymore kids then I would support his decision to get fixed, but if he wasn't 100% sure, then we should wait and discuss this again some time next year.

He doesn't like when I write letters as he prefers conversation, but I explained that sometimes he's quick to think his opinions are always the right/best ones and this is why I needed to write it to him. He did read it, in fact he put it away in the drawer and didn't throw it away, but we didn't talk about it anymore. I am going to assume that maybe he is thinking about it... I stated my opinion and desires, told him I would also stand behind his and it's now in his court to make his decision either way. In the end, I want a happy marriage and happy healthy kids and if that means no more babies for me, I will be okay with that. It makes me sad as I feel like I have one more out there, but for now I am taking comfort in knowing that I have been blessed with my two beautiful children and husband and that is something that some never get in their entire life.

Thank you for listening to me, I so appreciate it and it has helped me a little knowing that others understand and that I had someone else to talk to about this!!
post #19 of 43
I think a letter was a lovely idea, a good way for you to communicate your feelings to him clearly. I'm glad that you feel a bit more at peace about it and I hope things work out perfectly for you
post #20 of 43
Thread Starter 
Yes, I felt more at peace about it until my wonderful dear husband decided to turn into a crabby person to live with. I have been a little on edge lately, but he has been grumpy and just plain crabby!!! I am sure it is a lot of things causing it - business is slow, my baby talk, taxes due, etc. but I am feeling like this behavior is mainly because of the expression of my desires to him.

I don't want to drag this post on too long, just venting again. :
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