Originally Posted by fantesia28
That is funny... my husband made the comment to me -- I guess if I go get fixed you will sleep with someone else to have a baby. I just laughed.
I think I may have brought this subject up a bad time... my husbands business is slow right now and I think he is really worried about money. We are also in the process of building a new much more expensive house (double the cost of our current home) and that is a lot of stress too. I do work as well, but his income pays alot of our bills.
I really want to talk more about the baby thing with him... especially since I wrote him a letter recently and he said nothing at all about it.
I think it's making me upset just in daily life because I feel like he's somewhat ignoring my needs. I should probably drop this for now, but it's hard... at least he could say I will think about it or definitely not or I hated your letter or something!!!
Funny isn't it? I don't mean to butt in and play the armchair psychologist, but, don't you think it's funny that when big stress hits a couple, women TEND TO crave closeness, intimacy, support and empathy more than anything (hence perhaps a resurgance of your baby yen?) while men TEND TO crave autonomy and space and silence.
Such poor timing, no?
I am guessing his joke making and standoffishness, and manipulative game playing (as your last post describes) around the matter is his way of saying: I need to get through THIS crisis before I create another for myself.
So your letter probably made him feel under attack in someway. He might have seen it as "passive aggressive" and manipulative when all you wanted was for him to HEAR you and not be able to block your opinions, and counter your every feeling with logic and reasoning.
Maybe he doesn't
want more kids, but I would say NOT pushing
it right now, would be the way to go.
Originally Posted by fantesia28
Well my husband told me last night that he made his appointment for the vasectomy... I think he might just be saying this though as he is sometimes childish like that!!
At any rate, he flipped me from a perfectly okay mood to being in tears over everything thing!! He said, why are you upset, you said you respected whatever my decision was - I said, yes I do, but that doesn't mean that it makes me any less sad!!!!!
I guess I just don't understand why he would want me to be hurting over this. He talked to a friend of ours wife last night (which is why the conversation came up anyways) and asked her if she wanted more kids... she said yeah sometimes, but then she changes her mind. Now he thinks it is just a woman thing - which he may be right!! It doesn't matter though whether it's a women thing and I told him that - I said it's more than the baby cuddling dependency thing, it's a long life with kids that we love. He says I want to be able to enjoy life -- WHAT??? I totally enjoy my life with my kids and I love spending time with them. I will say there are times that I enjoy a free day or weekend, but for the most part I wouldn't change any of the caos of our lives.
He says we need to focus on building our house so I can get my mind off of things - it will work for a while I guess, but ultimately I will be back to the same place -- I still want one more baby!!!
I know I need to move on a drop this for a while, but he brought it up last night, not me...
I hope you don't mind me venting here, I feel like this is the only place people understand me sometimes.
Thanks for listening!
If you can't vent here...I mean really!?
Your dh was pretty underhanded last night, IMNSHO; he was obviously (*I* think based on the NOTHING *I* know about you or him or your marriage
) feeling under seige and felt a need to hurt you, because he KNEW this was a hot topic for you, and I really think that if he truly wanted to get a V, he would just go and do it and tell you afterwards...it's an out-patient surgery. You might not ever even know if he did it.
I think you should
drop it now because of what you mentioned earlier, the financial situation. It seems quite clear to me that for him to be able to provide luxuries for his family (that maybe he didn't have growing up?
) is integral to his sense of manhood. My DH and I have OODLES of conversations on THAT old chestnut I assure you! Being in a place of instability is probably really scary for him, especially if it comes after years of feeling like he was safe and on the road to the dream retirement. Your wishes for another baby probably scare the ever loving sh*t out of him, so more than it really being a decision made out of logic and careful consideration (as he would have you -- and himself I bet-- believe), I am going to guess that this "decision" of his is being made out of base fear (God, I have so much fun playing Fraser Crane in my head
But for the love of god and all that is holy, don't you DARE imply that to him! That will be a sure fire way to drive him to the surgery office to prove you wrong.
I hope you don't mind my giving advice...do you?
Feel free to ignore me...
My advice, if you think it's worth anything, would be to tell him that you are genuinely sorry he feels under pressure from your letter and your desires, that it wasn't your intention to make him feel under attack or manipulated. That the reason you wrote it is because YOU are feeling sad and scared from all the stress of the changes, and it's making you realize that if tomorrow there WAS no money left and you were all homeless, you'd have a whole in your life, and maybe that whole CAN'T be filled by a another human soul in your family, but it definitely won't be filled by more money in the bank.
Telling people that you are afraid often helps them to let down their defense mechanisms and also admit that they too are afraid. It might open up the lines of real communication again...maybe he really is
done having kids; he might really feel he has chosen his priorites and he doesn't want a "change of life" baby thrown in at the end, but I would note that he is not acting like a loving partner right now. He is biting and scratching at you like a cornered animal...so back off, give him space, and let him know that you are sorry for frightening him and making him feel cornered...tell him that if he is feeling overwhelmed or scared by all this new stress that he can come to you, and that by sharing his feelings and fears it might help you better understand where is coming from, but if nothing else, and most importantly really, it will make YOU feel a lot less alone in this scary time for your family.
Then if he DOES open up and tell you why he feels so freaked out and upset by the idea of a new baby, just listen and hug and offer empathy (the way you wish HE would do), and help him to realize that TOGETHER you guys can make it through any hardships. Maybe THEN he will see that the bigger your family is the stronger you can be...
I am willing to bet that you see family love like the proverbial bunch of matches...the more people there are, the stronger the love is...but many people see family love like a piece of taffy, the more people it has to wrap around the thinner and more fragile it gets. I think by showing him that the two of YOU can stick together and get through this financial crisis, he might be more willing to accept the idea that a third child will make your family GROW, not stretch your love to breaking point.
Now...I do not condone the idea of you creating an "accident" to trick your husband into getting you pregnant
...but FWIW, I have always found my dh has a very hard time pulling out when I am on top.:
I'm just saying.