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More Visitaion/Custody

post #1 of 101
Thread Starter 
What would be the reasons a parent could go for more custody/visitation?

My DH wants to get more visitation with DD, maybe even full custody. She does not work, sits on her butt all day waiting on the check from child support and lives with her mom and off of the government. We do not feel it is fair that he has to pay her money when she does not even support the DD herself. Know what I mean?

She would rather get his paycheck and him never see the DD again.

I need some advice!
post #2 of 101
Hairstylist, PM me.
post #3 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
What would be the reasons a parent could go for more custody/visitation?

My DH wants to get more visitation with DD, maybe even full custody. She does not work, sits on her butt all day waiting on the check from child support and lives with her mom and off of the government. We do not feel it is fair that he has to pay her money when she does not even support the DD herself. Know what I mean?

She would rather get his paycheck and him never see the DD again.

I need some advice!
Any reason. Do you need a reason other than want more time with DD? Our last custody agreement specifically says "either party can return to court at anytime" etc.
post #4 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
What would be the reasons a parent could go for more custody/visitation?
I'm sure getting more visitation wouldn't be a problem, but why do you think you have grounds for being granted full custody? I thought that the allegations had to be pretty severe (i.e. physical abuse) before one could remove a child from their custodian?

I'm not saying it's not a good idea at all, but I don't think being lazy and mooching off the government are grounds for removal KWIM?

s good luck with everything!
post #5 of 101
There is no reason you cannot file for more custody/visitation.
post #6 of 101
I think filing for more visitation or filing for custody merely because you resent paying child support is a pretty lousy idea. Especially if you're the step mom, you really have no business in there...you married this man knowing he had an obligation to a previous child. His previous child, his previous wife, on the other hand, came into his life without any knowledge of a future step mother who would resent them.

I say this as a single mother and as the child of a single mother. Both my dad and my ex were always trying to pay less or pay very minimal child support amounts, and trust me, in the end you'll just be frustrated and lose the respect of the child.

I'm pretty surprised you could say you want custody just for monetary purposes and only one person question it. It is not good for the CHILD to lose their relationship with the mother...and the child should come first. It might not be good for the child to have a change in visitation, either, and the child should again come first. Monetary problems are adult issues. But trust me, resentment will just eat you up and you'll never get past it. Also, put yourself in the mother's shoes. She doesn't get the child support for any reason other than that she's caring for a child your h helped create. The fact that he chose to have another child is his own business and his own problem, if money's tight for him, he should have considered that before starting a second family.
post #7 of 101
Okay, I might get crucified for saying this, but this part really bothered me:

Quote:
She does not work, sits on her butt all day
Why is she different than any other stay at home mom? (NOTE: I am not saying that of stay at home moms, just questioning the OPs words!) Why, just because she is a single mom, does she have to be working?

I am a single stay at home mom. My ex-MIL asks me every single time she calls if I have gotten a job yet. She resents every single penny my ex gives me, although I have no idea why. He gives me the minimum amount possible for three kids on the salary he makes. He would be giving me the same amount even if I were working. I am able to stretch that, and combined with the income I get from a rental property, I am able to stay at home with my little girl (my older two are in school full-time). In a couple of years when she is in school full-time I will start job hunting, but for now I believe there is no more important job for me than staying home with/for my kids.

My ex and I made the decision together that I would be a stay at home mom. I worked and supported him while he finished school, we both worked full-time for a year when our oldest was a baby, and we decided together when times got better that I should stay at home and raise our kids. Why should that change just because he decided he was no longer happy here?

I see no reason that single stay at home moms should be looked down upon.
post #8 of 101
I do not understand either why the mom being unemployed should be a reason for you to want custody?

I believe having a mom at home is a great thing.

I mean if she doesn't feed, bath, love, or dress the child, then I could understand your position.

Maybe she lives with her mom because her support payments from the dad are not enough, and she can't afford a place of her own?
post #9 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
Okay, I might get crucified for saying this, but this part really bothered me:



Why is she different than any other stay at home mom? (NOTE: I am not saying that of stay at home moms, just questioning the OPs words!) Why, just because she is a single mom, does she have to be working?

I am a single stay at home mom. My ex-MIL asks me every single time she calls if I have gotten a job yet. She resents every single penny my ex gives me, although I have no idea why. He gives me the minimum amount possible for three kids on the salary he makes. He would be giving me the same amount even if I were working. I am able to stretch that, and combined with the income I get from a rental property, I am able to stay at home with my little girl (my older two are in school full-time). In a couple of years when she is in school full-time I will start job hunting, but for now I believe there is no more important job for me than staying home with/for my kids.

My ex and I made the decision together that I would be a stay at home mom. I worked and supported him while he finished school, we both worked full-time for a year when our oldest was a baby, and we decided together when times got better that I should stay at home and raise our kids. Why should that change just because he decided he was no longer happy here?

I see no reason that single stay at home moms should be looked down upon.
Well, in my state cs is based on income of both parents (as I understand) so if you worked, you'd get less support. I guess I saw the OP say two things. 1. her dh wanted more vistation (great.)
and
2. the mom is lazy, etc.

I didn't read those as connected. I thought she was just justifing, looking for reasons for more visitation. I think dads should have more vistations, but not BECAUSE mom does/doesnt work, just regardless. Re-reading it, she seems to connect them (we shouldn't pay her if she doesn't work) but maybe thoes are separate still : dad wants visitation and is annoyed that mom doesn't work (not because?) I don't know. OP?
post #10 of 101
My ex is paying the minimum he would pay for three kids, based on his income. Even though I don't work, the state says that I *could* earn a certain amount, based on my education and experience, so that also goes into consideration. So basically, even though I don't work, the state figures his payment based on what I could earn.

I've been called lazy for being a single stay at home mom. I receive no assistance, other than reduced energy bills, but I would receive the same amount for that even if his income were taken into consideration. I stretch every single dollar he gives me, and I stretch every single dollar I get from my rental income. I can make it work and still stay home. I don't see why that makes me any "lazier" than any other stay at home mom, just because I'm single.
post #11 of 101
In some states (like WI, where my divorce took place) cs is based merely on the payor's income, at a base percentage. So my ex pays 25% regardless of what I make. If we were in FL, where they take my income into consideration, which is practically nil because I'm a single mama/full time student, he'd pay almost double. So I think it balances out and each state's calculations have to be considered separately. HTH for the understanding part, but I guess I wouldn't agree that all fathers should automatically get more visitation, any more than I would agree that all mothers should automatically get less visitation. I think it should be proven in each case that it would be in the best interest of the child in that case.
post #12 of 101
We would jump at the chance to get dsd more or have full custody. We already get her all summer, during breaks during the school year and on weekends where bio mom doesnt already have plans with her. She lives about 2 hours away which isnt much, really.

I agree with the others about needing a really good reason for trying to get full custody. Even though my dsd is allowed to stay up as late as she wants, doesnt have a healthy diet, is taken to bars and parties and isnt parented as much as befriended by her mom, we have nothing for the courts to grant us full custody. She has a roof, food, clothing...all of her basic needs are being met. Just because her moms and our parenting styles differ, doesnt mean that one way is better than the other in the eyes of the state/court/judge.

If you think that you do have grounds for a custodial change, I would talk to a lawyer about it. I dont know about anywhere else, but here, we have to have a lawyer to advise us for court is we were to try to get custody or change the agreement. A lawyer would know all about the laws and the chances of a custodial change for your situation.

I know its frustrating. There are so many other things I could tell you, but they dont mean anything in this circumstance. If you want to talk, PM me.
post #13 of 101
I guess after 6 years in a blended family I am leaning closer to the idea the parents should have more equal custody unless there is a danger to the child. I used to believe that the "better" parent should have more custody (us! and we do) but my dss has shown me that his mom doesn't have to be better than us, just there. She just has to be good enough (not a danger) and even though we think she X, Y, and Z dss doesn't care. It's been a weird song and dance to always show we are "better" while married couples don't have to be better than each other. I don't say ds should be with me more than his dad because I am the better parent because we are married, but if we get divorced, that should change? A parent who is good enough when married is suddenly not good enough when they are divorced. Equalizing the custody to a place that comfortable for both parents and the child shouldn't happen suddenly, but I think all parties should work towards that.

Anyway, that's where I'm coming from. I don't know about this dad, of course. I just assume he's not dangerous and has a relationship with the child.
post #14 of 101
I agree with gamecaco4.
Usually you have to have really good reasons to get full custody, because the court will try to maintain the status quo. We've been told it's basically impossible. It's about as impossible to get joint physical, too. I have many thoughts on this, but will reserve them!

As for single stay at home moms.
In my state CS is calculated based on both parties' income. If one party does not work, the state will impute to them a proper income.
I would be frustrated if the CS recipient (custodial parent) did not work because they would obviously not be contributing that money each month to the child. It doesn't seem fair for the n/c parent to be contributing while the custodial parent does not.
In some circumstances that may still be equitable, but then, if the custodial parent buys low quality clothes, refuses to buy new shoes when needed, complains that the non-custodial parent doesn't pay enough, etc., it's especially unfair. And some will say they "have to work because n/c parent doesn't support the child enough". That's annoying too-- because when parents are divorced, they both have to financially support the child. It's just another part of the unsatisfactory custody/cs system.

I realize that may not be totally relevant to the conversation, but I am understanding where pp are coming from.

Incidently, CS is a crappy reason to change custody.
post #15 of 101
Thread Starter 
I am not saying he is trying to get out of paying child support. I am not saying that at all. He just does not think its fair for him to have to pay her child support when she does not have anything to contribute to the child. We could give that child a more stable home than she is in now. No doubt about it.

Although this has nothing to do with our situation, she did have her first child taken away for abuse. The father was awarded full custody. She took him back to court here recently and got joint custody. So it is proven that she has been abusive in the past.

And I do feel it is my business. No, she is not my daughter but she does come into my household, therefore, I believe it should be my business. He was not married to her mother nor did he date her. It was one of those things. But at least he is taking care of dd.
post #16 of 101
I agree it is your business. I think your original post can be read to say that he should get more custody because he pays to much child support. If he wants more custody for other reasons, that's great. I think you sparked some interesting discussions around here.
post #17 of 101
I am so sick of hearing people complain about paying c/s. Really, I am tired of the X and his new wife ranting about how Mom is misusing c/s and milking the system because she is lazy and neglects the child blah blah blah. This story is just so hackneyed. Raising a child is expensive no matter the circumstance, and having a child in your home isn't going to save money compared to the child support. Such an argument just doesn't make sense. I hope the child doesn't suffer because all of the nonsense with the money.
post #18 of 101
Annarbor,
I think you are jumping to conclusions. I understand that hairstylist's original post is poorly worded i.e. it sounded like the only reason they want custody was to avoid paying cs and she came down hard on BM for not working, but if you look a little deeper and read some of her other posts there is more to this story than what is in the original post.
BM has a history of child abuse and lost custody of one child at some point.
She is interferes with the father's visitation.
She acts inappropriatly; yelling at them (I am assuming in front the the dsd which is a big no-no) and talking trash behind their back to mutual acquaintances.
I think it is very admirable to the father to want more time with his daughter. OP clearly cares about her SD and feels she can provide a safe, stable home compared to the mother. This isn't about the money it's about BM treatment/care of DSD
FC
post #19 of 101
I would pay the same amount that dh pays in c/s each week just to have my dsd with us. It would be worth it to get her into a family environment.
post #20 of 101
I can understand the resentment towards the mother not working where she is using child support as alimony rather than child support. In other words -- child support is supposed to go towards the expenses of the child. If the mother does not have other income (from any other source), that means she is using child support to support herself, and I can see the father having a problem with that.

And before you start talking about her care-taking...she is supposed to contribute 50% of the child's support. Since she has no income, we can assume (though whether or not that is correct is unclear) that her work in providing child-care is her 50% of the child's support. In my mind, that would still not entitle her to be "paid" from the child's support for her child-care work.
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