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More Visitaion/Custody - Page 3

post #41 of 101
Thread Starter 
Some have said that the c/s could go for other things besides clothes and food like bills and such since she is providing a home for dsd. What about when she comes to our house and we have to provide her with food and such (when she is legally supposed to), shouldnt she be paying us something for that. Does anyone understand what I am saying? It just really bothers me!
post #42 of 101
Ok, hairstylist, you may have tried to change your original (I think quite clear) post that you want to get more custody for reasons other than money, but you keep talking about the money. And if this child is still on formula and in diapers, it hasn't been that long relatively that your h has been paying c/s. So stop complaining! That child DOES have a right to a sah parent, other countries allow a year of PAID maternity leave. Are you a SAH parent to your child? Maybe you should go back to work and support your own son more?

About who should provide what...depends on how much it is. Formula and diapers are expensive, c/s might not even cover it depending on what the child needs and how much the c/s is. My ex complains he pays to much child support and it doesn't even cover ONE child's daycare expenses, let alone anything else like food, clothing, shelter! My guess is you are similar...resenting a little bit.

And frankly, if you all are having money problems, maybe your husband should have waited a little longer to have a second child after creating his first.
post #43 of 101
"That child DOES have a right to a sah parent, other countries allow a year of PAID maternity leave. Are you a SAH parent to your child? Maybe you should go back to work and support your own son more."

No -- the ex is not required to provide a SAHP for his child. Would you be so sanguine about the situation if, for example, hairstylist's husband decided that his children with hairstylist deserved a SAHD, and decided to stay home? After all, using your logic, they deserve a SAHP too! I'm guessing in that situation you'd be posting about what a dead-beat dad he is, not what a great person he is for being SAH.
post #44 of 101
I didn't say the ex is required to provide it. But I think a sah parent is every child's right, whether they all get that right or not is another matter. Just like every baby deserves breastmilk. I'm just saying that if this child is under a year old, this man has two children by two different women within one year of age, and this mother has a big chip on her shoulder about money. It seems quite pathetic to me and has no bearing on the best interests of the child. I do think that both children deserve sah parents.
post #45 of 101
I have thought for a long time that our child support system sucks.

The more I see the more I agree....it sucks!

At work, we have a lady that has lupus and some other medical condition and she is going through chemo. Her ex cannot afford a laywer because she cannot afford to pay child support because of her meds. Nor can she afford a lawyer. The state takes the money out of her check and her ex is nice enough to give her the check to pay for her meds. They found out there is a way for him to stop the withdrawing from her pay checks but it would make her seem like isn't paying and the ammount would accumilate and she could go to jail for non-payment. But they would have to get a laywer to change the child support ammount, but they cannot gaurentee it would be changed because she is still making the same amount of money just needs more money to buy meds and eat.
post #46 of 101
Hairstylist,
I understand your feelings over paying child support to a woman who chooses not to help provide for a better future monotarily for her child. I was a single mother with two children for several years. I received child support for my children which covered daycare so I could go to work. I didn't want them to just get by with the bare minimum. I want my children to have the best and that costs.

I am remarried now and my husband has a child from a previous marriage. He pays his support and doesn't have a problem paying it. We also cover all costs for transportation to see his child even though the child lives 1,790 miles away and the ex is the one who moved away with the child. We bought all of the child's school supplies and cover the child on our insurance. Even with all of this, the ex will not speak to either of us, speaks badly about my husband in front of his child, cohabitates with a man she isn't married to, became pregnant by another man during her marriage to my husband and does not work. Her mother cares for the child the majority of the time. Her boyfriend also verbally abuses the child.

I agree that child support should be paid to the custodial parent. Raising a child is not cheap. However, I know that child support is not enough to support yourself, a child and buy them nice clothes or send them to a good school. Not to mention extra curricular activities, Christmas, birthdays and other holidays. It would be nice to know that the mother is as willing to work hard so her child can have a great life as her ex and I do.

If you really put the child's best interest first, you can't help but agree that equal time with both parents, financial stability and a loving family environment from both parents is the right way to go. Regardless of what happened in the past, that is the past. The child is the future.
post #47 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
Some have said that the c/s could go for other things besides clothes and food like bills and such since she is providing a home for dsd. What about when she comes to our house and we have to provide her with food and such (when she is legally supposed to), shouldnt she be paying us something for that. Does anyone understand what I am saying? It just really bothers me!
No, I don't really understand. As the child gets older and comes to stay with you overnight, she won't send dinner and breakfasts along. Your child support is supposed to help pay for things while she is in her mothers care and custody. The time you have with her is already subtracted from that amount since you will be paying for food, electricity, water, etc when you are with her. If you saw her less (and therefore paid for less meals, etc.)you'd pay more child support.
post #48 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
Some have said that the c/s could go for other things besides clothes and food like bills and such since she is providing a home for dsd. What about when she comes to our house and we have to provide her with food and such (when she is legally supposed to), shouldnt she be paying us something for that. Does anyone understand what I am saying? It just really bothers me!
You're in Texas, like me, hairstylist, so no she shouldn't be paying you anything for the time the child is in your care. In Texas, child support doesn't work that way. The non custodial parent pays a percentage of his or her income to the custodial parent. Period.

I hear how much you resent your sdd. I hear you saying "HER child", and I hear you begrudging that child food, diapers, and clothing...That's not HER child, it's your HUSBAND'S child. The fact that you're upset about providing *your husband's child* with what she needs while in your care says a lot about you.

My advice is to build a bridge and *get over it*. You married this man, and you married his situation. Quit wasting your energy on being angry at mom and spend it trying to build a family that includes your stepdaughter.

You can't change the way things are, so grow up and deal.
post #49 of 101
yup ^^^^^

Stop bitching and do something about it, ie try to get custody, but mostly, get some help... this child, this innocent child that is the child of the man you love deserves to be loved in BOTH of her parents homes. Regardless of how the money flows, or who pays for what.


I know that in our situation... our children have two sets of clothes, one for my house, one for his. It saves trouble, hassles and problems. Buck up, buy some diapers and some formula (or whatever this child is eating) and be a true parent, not just to your child, but all the children in this family.
post #50 of 101
This is going to sound petty, but it has been bugging me for the past couple of days. Your signature says you are a family of three. Do you not consider your step-daughter family? You say you want custody, but you don't even include her in your signature. To me that is pretty telling.
post #51 of 101
Thread Starter 
I will GLADLY let you know, Bunny McFluff, exactly what the papers say. Just like every child is different, EVERY c/s is different as to visitation and the requirements that go along with that also. I know what is supposed to be provided when dsd is in our care. I know what I read and I know how to understand it but thanks for pointing out that you also live in Texas, nice!

Technically, mmace, she is NOT MY child. So therefore, no I should not be including her in my signature. Ask all the others out there, and I am sure there are some that dont inculde their step children in theirs.

And all this advice everyone is offering is greatly appreciated but some are blowing the top off it. Maybe yall would be a little bit more understand if you knew the ENTIRE story and the BACKGROUND of her birth mother. She isnt the greatest person but I am not going to come on here and bash her in everyway that I possibly could!
post #52 of 101
Thread Starter 
I have no problem supplying the things that dsd needs while she is in our prescence. But when it is required and even written up in the papers, I do. DH is required to pay child support, so therefore, I am sure she would have a problem if he decided not to, which will never happen. Its a lot of things that go along with the situation that I could honestly go on and on. (Things that have happened in the past)

And I would be more than happy to share them with anyone that is interested. PM me.
post #53 of 101
I'm not talking about what's supposed to be provided. I'm talking about you saying that your husband's xw should be compensating you for the time you take the child.

Quote:
What about when she comes to our house and we have to provide her with food and such (when she is legally supposed to), shouldnt she be paying us something for that. Does anyone understand what I am saying? It just really bothers me!
The answer is, no. She shouldn't be paying you for that. It's not standard in Texas, and no judge in his right mind would approve a visitation order that stated that the parent in possession of the child is not responsible for *FEEDING* said child. If you say that your husband's divorce decree states that your husband is not responsible to provide his child with food while she's in his care, then I'm calling you a liar.

Look, I'm a stepmom, too. I *know* how hard it can be. I know what it's like to not enjoy your stepchild's mother. My stepdaughter lives with us, and she lived with us when my husband was still paying her mother child support. I would *never* complain about feeding her or providing her with daily living necessities. She is my husband's daughter, she's my unborn son's sister, she's part of our family, and I love her.

I can't fathom a single reasonable circumstance that would make your nasty attitude about FEEDING your HUSBAND's CHILD an ok thing.

You are being unreasonable. Your unreasonable attitude will certainly affect your relationship with your stepchild. It will likely affect your marriage. It will affect your child's sibling relationship with your stepchild.

Get over yourself. You're an adult. This isn't about you. It's about your husband and his CHILD. Your child's sibling. Put your anger and resentment aside and focus on creating a healthy environment in your home so that this kid can begin to feel like part of your family.
post #54 of 101
Thread Starter 
WORD FOR WORD: SPECIFIC VISITATION GUIDELINES, CHILDREN UNDER 3 YEARS OF AGE......This is EXACTLY what the papers say.

6-18 months, Visitation may occur outside the custodial parents home. Custodial parent shall provide an infant car seat and any breast milk/formula, and diapers, and any garments that the child may need during the visit. Visitation shall be from 6 pm to 8 pm one evening per week{to be designated be the visiting parent} and the 1st 3rd 4th and 5th Saturdays of each month 10 am to 2 pm.

Like I said, I know what I read and I know exactly what it means. And no they didnt go before a judge. They sat down themselves, with their lawyers and AGREED on everything, therefore her agreeing to the above. The specific guidelines was already written up. That was written up for children up to 3 years of age, which I guess doesnt apply to you since you have no idea what you are talking about. But hey, you can continue to think I am a liar, it really does not phase me and neither does your comments. Have a great day Bunny McFluff!
post #55 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
WORD FOR WORD: SPECIFIC VISITATION GUIDELINES, CHILDREN UNDER 3 YEARS OF AGE......This is EXACTLY what the papers say.

6-18 months, Visitation may occur outside the custodial parents home. Custodial parent shall provide an infant car seat and any breast milk/formula, and diapers, and any garments that the child may need during the visit. Visitation shall be from 6 pm to 8 pm one evening per week{to be designated be the visiting parent} and the 1st 3rd 4th and 5th Saturdays of each month 10 am to 2 pm.

Like I said, I know what I read and I know exactly what it means. And no they didnt go before a judge. They sat down themselves, with their lawyers and AGREED on everything, therefore her agreeing to the above. The specific guidelines was already written up. That was written up for children up to 3 years of age, which I guess doesnt apply to you since you have no idea what you are talking about. But hey, you can continue to think I am a liar, it really does not phase me and neither does your comments. Have a great day Bunny McFluff!

The biggest problem with this agreement is that I was under the impression that a car seat should be a "permanent" fixture in the car. I thought you weren't supposed to transfer the seat on a regular basis.

And also- I have an infant/toddler that visits her father's home regularly. She never needs any BM sent since her visits are also short (3-4 hours). They feed her "regular" food if she's hungry and I nurse her just before and immediately after the visits. She does just fine with that. It doesn't say the biomom has to provide food...
post #56 of 101
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
The biggest problem with this agreement is that I was under the impression that a car seat should be a "permanent" fixture in the car. I thought you weren't supposed to transfer the seat on a regular basis.

And also- I have an infant/toddler that visits her father's home regularly. She never needs any BM sent since her visits are also short (3-4 hours). They feed her "regular" food if she's hungry and I nurse her just before and immediately after the visits. She does just fine with that. It doesn't say the biomom has to provide food...

The bio mom is the CUSTODIAL PARENT so yeah, you are right it doesnt say the bio mom should. She sends the car seat everytime, no problem there. I didnt write the papers and I didnt decide on the way the papers were wrote up. And it is very possible for a child to get hungry within 3-4 hours. I know my ds can eat twice in four hours. The mother sends formula every few visits, not every visit though. And the times she has sent it, we had to ask for it. If it were required that we had to have a seat for dsd ourselves, then we would GLADLY get one.
post #57 of 101
Eh. Bored now. You're so wrapped up in your own anger and resentment that you're not seeing how damaging your attitude is for your entire family. I can't make you see that...but I hope you do find a way to let go of it before you hurt two innocent kids and the man you love.
post #58 of 101
Thread Starter 
THANKS!
post #59 of 101
Deep Breathing in and out for me reading these posts. This is a sore spot for me.

Let me tell you, please hear me...stay out of court. Please don't go there. Work with the mother for more time if that's what you truly want. Pay the money to support the child. Look into the eyes of that child and let your heart open up to the bigger picture. Your DSD is used to her life situation as is. Transitions can be really difficult for kids. How will her mom react if you drag her into court after what she's been through in court? Court is TRAUMATIC for some poeple. If her mom is stressed out by you taking her to court, how does that help her get up the strength to get back into working, or heal from her past, or (most important!) parent well?

I'm sure that DSD's mother doesn't feel good about her past if what you say is true about past abuse. If she was abusing DSD presently, I'm sure the courts would be concerned and you and DH would not have waited this long to step in, right? I'm guessing that DSD's mom has some emotional scars she's dealing with. Maybe she can't work and parent well at the same time. If she can't, which would you rather she do? Which would her child, your DSD wish she would do? The child wants her mother to be her best self. If you want to truly support the child, then you should be supportive of the child AND her mother. The best way to support a child is to support the child's primary caregiver/ parent. If you want more time with DSD, talk respectfully to her mom about that. Work with her. Find a time/situation that works for DSD AND her mom.

I have full custody of both of my children, but I have fought both dads in different counties for ten years total. I will always grieve the damage it has created. Real peace in the world cannot be attained until we start addressing the wars in our families. It has nearly killed me to be raising my son's with all my heart and then get dragged into court due to a power trip that's not mine. Defending my hearth and family was time down the tubes that could have been spent building and strengthening my hearth and family. I have had unbelievably horrible and negative allegations made about me in court to evaluators and judges. Almost all of the ex's mudslingings have been false. It would have been worse if they were true and I was trying to heal from my past like it seems your DH's ex IS trying to do. How do you know she's sitting on her butt? How do you know she's not doing some inner processing and taking some respite to heal and become a better person? She might be...please consider that she might be doing her best. You might not be able to force her to to do anything. She's her own person with her own timing. Try to accept her where she is and please, please do not take your families into the system unless you really and truly believe it is a last resort and definitely in the best interests of the child.
post #60 of 101
I am glad you shared the wording with us because I would have never believed that the adult with the child at the time shouldn't be the one buying the food. I hope that even if you are well meaning, you can understand why it would upset people to have an adult complaining about buying food for an infant, regardless of what a court order says.

I've been a stepmom for 6 years. I've learned to stop putting my energy into the little things-- ie. the fact that there are never any socks at our house, the constantly changing schedule, etc-- and move on to other things. When I first married dh I was a little to interested/obsessed/facsinated with the exwife, custody, the horrible past, but as time went on, she was less interesting. I bought things for dss even though I wasn't the one who was supposed to. I drove him when it wasn't supposed to be my turn. I traded days when I didn't have to. And life is pleasant again. It is more important to have a smoothly running household than to have one that fully abides by a custody agreement (and I mean of course being helpful when you don't have to).
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