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More Visitaion/Custody - Page 4

post #61 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
And it is very possible for a child to get hungry within 3-4 hours. I know my ds can eat twice in four hours.
How old is SD? (Forgive me if you've already said) The eating pattern of an older infant is usually much different than that of a newborn (like your DS). They tend to nurse less often especially if they are eating solids, also. My own dd used to nurse almost around the clock (or so it seemed: ) but after she began to eat foods, her nursing habits changed. I guess I'm just confused about this.
post #62 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
This is going to sound petty, but it has been bugging me for the past couple of days. Your signature says you are a family of three. Do you not consider your step-daughter family? You say you want custody, but you don't even include her in your signature. To me that is pretty telling.
That was all commented about before, but it looks like some posts were removed... it pretty much went 50/50 as to what should be listed as a family.

I do know that when I was a step mom, and raising girls that came from a horrid situation, I was angry at the situation, not at them. I was frustrated at their mother, and I swore that she sent them in rags, only to have them be returned in better stuff. Of course now I have no influence over them, and the have both dropped out of high school.:

I really wish Hairstylist could remove the anger and frustration she is feeling, and think about HOW SHE WOULD WANT HER OTHER CHILD treated, if she and her husband split, and her son had a new female figure in his life. All else being equal , this child, this baby girl, deserves to be love at both houses.
post #63 of 101
Thread Starter 
Nobody is taking out anything on dsd or her mother in anyway. I just came here to ask for advice. I have not once made dsd feel unwelcome in our home. She is well loved and treated equally as my ds is. Everyone is jumping to conclusions.

When I do talk to her bio mother, I am extremely nice to her, only for dsd sake. I will never push dsd to the side. Just because she is not included in my sig. does not mean that I do not love and care for her. I am wanting what is best for her in every aspect. I just came here to blow off a little steam about the whole situation. We do proivide her food and diapers now that we see bio mom isnt going to. We have them on hand just in case.

Bio mom chose to act like a total B***H towards me for NO APPARENT REASON! And not once was I ugly back to her. Just because I do not care for her does not mean I am not going to "Get Along" with her for dsd sake, because that is not the case. I will do whatever it takes to give dsd everything she will ever need as long as I am her step mother, even if it means the shirt off of my back.
post #64 of 101
I hope everyone involved in this situation can resolve these issues, because there is no way a kid doesn't pick up on this stuff. I agree with PP, the family of 3 comment is so telling. Sad indeed. I have an 11 yo DSD, even though she isn't officially my SD until Nov 25th, and I call her my daughter. She has a Mom who loves her too. She lives with us and she is my family, step-sister to my little boy, whether she lives here or not. She is my DH's child and that alone is enough for me. Her Mom doesn't provide for her financially, and it bothered me at first, because my XH pays CS and I believe CS is a birthright for kids. But, my future DH doesn't want ot need it and I totally respect his viewpoint.

((((HUGS)))) to all of our children and I pray none of them ever know how quickly parents can reduce them to $$$$.
post #65 of 101
Quote:
That was all commented about before, but it looks like some posts were removed... it pretty much went 50/50 as to what should be listed as a family.
Hmmm...I missed all of that! I'm guessing I caught some flak. I guess for me I assumed all step-moms on this board would list their step-kids, because I see it all the time - but in reality I wouldn't know about those who didn't, because if they aren't listed there would be no way for me to know! I do apologize to anyone I offended.

I'm going to bow out of this conversation now (though like a train wreck, I'm sure I'll be stopping in to see what's going on again!). I'm not a step-mom, I'm coming at this conversation as a single mom who wants the best for her kids, when and if they ever have a step-mom.

On that note, Flor, can I sign you up? You sound like just what I would want my kids to have!

Quote:
I've been a stepmom for 6 years. I've learned to stop putting my energy into the little things-- ie. the fact that there are never any socks at our house, the constantly changing schedule, etc-- and move on to other things. When I first married dh I was a little to interested/obsessed/facsinated with the exwife, custody, the horrible past, but as time went on, she was less interesting. I bought things for dss even though I wasn't the one who was supposed to. I drove him when it wasn't supposed to be my turn. I traded days when I didn't have to. And life is pleasant again. It is more important to have a smoothly running household than to have one that fully abides by a custody agreement (and I mean of course being helpful when you don't have to).
post #66 of 101
I'm confused, op is being petty by not buying formula but isnt biomom being petty by not sending it? (when its been documented as to her responsibility?)

I'm so sad at the double standard here. Non custodial parent (usually dad) doesnt follow divorce/custody agreement and they're automatically a deadbeat, take them to court, make them pay! But a custodial parent (usually mom) doesnt follow an agreement and everyone should just suck it up?


I understand what you mean, hairstylist. An agreement is made. One side follows and the other doesnt and it can be very frustrating. I think everyone can agree to that.
If my ex doesnt follow the agreement to see our kids or pay c/s, I'd be pissed too. When dh ex didnt follow visitation and c/s and bought nice new houses and boats and cars and we were borrowing $ for a freakin mortgage pmt it was very frustrating. And sadly, I know alot of people can relate.

We always took the high road. I do encourage you, hairstylist, to do the same. Buy whats needed, keep it at your home. I know its not whats in the agreement, but its just easier to let go of the anger. Things are never fair - they never will be. I understand how you feel, I really do. Its just not fair. Vent away, then move on. Do whats right.
post #67 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
I'm confused, op is being petty by not buying formula but isnt biomom being petty by not sending it? (when its been documented as to her responsibility?)

I'm so sad at the double standard here. Non custodial parent (usually dad) doesnt follow divorce/custody agreement and they're automatically a deadbeat, take them to court, make them pay! But a custodial parent (usually mom) doesnt follow an agreement and everyone should just suck it up?


I understand what you mean, hairstylist. An agreement is made. One side follows and the other doesnt and it can be very frustrating. I think everyone can agree to that.
If my ex doesnt follow the agreement to see our kids or pay c/s, I'd be pissed too. When dh ex didnt follow visitation and c/s and bought nice new houses and boats and cars and we were borrowing $ for a freakin mortgage pmt it was very frustrating. And sadly, I know alot of people can relate.

We always took the high road. I do encourage you, hairstylist, to do the same. Buy whats needed, keep it at your home. I know its not whats in the agreement, but its just easier to let go of the anger. Things are never fair - they never will be. I understand how you feel, I really do. Its just not fair. Vent away, then move on. Do whats right.
I don't think it is a double standard. I think that not supplying formula is not on my list of things to go to court over. Petty, yes. Annoying, yes. Breaking the agreement, yes. But I don't go to court over little things like that. We'd be in court weekly if that were the case!
post #68 of 101
I totally agree!
I think that hairstylist needs the validation that it is petty and annoying and allowed to feel as such. I would never encourage someone to go to court over the small stuff. Heck, we didnt go back to court for alot of big stuff!

I guess I see her being jumped on for valid feelings that wouldnt happen if the tables were turned.

I do, however, encourage revisting court to get more time with her dsd. After, of course, trying to talk it over with bmom.
post #69 of 101
Yeah, it really doesn't sound like much time at all. Dh has 50/50 when dss was tiny, then he had full custody.
post #70 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
I'm confused, op is being petty by not buying formula but isnt biomom being petty by not sending it? (when its been documented as to her responsibility?)

I'm so sad at the double standard here. Non custodial parent (usually dad) doesnt follow divorce/custody agreement and they're automatically a deadbeat, take them to court, make them pay! But a custodial parent (usually mom) doesnt follow an agreement and everyone should just suck it up?
THANK YOU!

I watched my husband struggle so hard and work 2 jobs for over a year just to try to support himself when he got out of the military. His ex wasn't even trying to get a job. She shacked up with several different men to support her and their child but complained that my husband was behind on his CS. My husband's family and his ex's family just beat him into the ground calling him all sorts of horrible names, talking bad about him all the time when I could see how hard he was trying. There were nights he would come home so worn out. The first thing he would do was sit down and look at his bills and cry. He was even afraid to call to talk to his child because his ex's family had threatened physical harm to him if he came up there and every time he'd call his ex would scream at him about money and then hang up the phone. Then, they would lay guilt trips on him for not calling to speak to his child. I couldn't believe how unfair the situation was and how cold and unforgiving these people were toward him. Wouldn't you think that putting more stress on top of a stressful situation would only make things worse? That's exactly what was happening.

Just because the woman is the one who physically gives birth to the child doesn't make that child ALL hers. That child belongs to their father just as much as they belong to their mother. I can't stand how a lot of women in today's society think that laying on their backs and having children is a means of obtaining income and if they don't get the money, they alienate the child from the father. Even worse, if the father tries to take the mother to court for being in contempt, alienating the child from the dad, verbal abuse or anything else short of nearly killing the child... all the judge does is give her a slap on the wrist.

Try walking in a man's shoes just once. Living without your child each night when you remember kissing them, reading to them and telling them you love them before bed. Having the memories of a loving family tied to whatever harsh reality destroyed the marriage and family that was. Working double shifts and more than one job to do what's right by your child and still support yourself with none of the benefits the custodial parent gets. (such as claiming the child on taxes) Having people look at you like you're just another one of those guys who walked out on their family and doesn't do what's right by your child. Trying to find someone to share your life with who will accept an unfriendly ex wife and low income because of child support being taken out of your checks. (like it or not I know several women who wouldn't be with a man for just those two reasons) And to ad insult to injury, having an ex wife who drags your name through the mud every chance she gets, won't cooperate with visiting and talking to your child and who is living with a man who insults you, verbally abuses your child and won't allow you to speak to your child at your child's home. Plus, you're expected to "be a man" and just hold all of that in to uphold some macho image so you can be respected by your male peers.

You as the woman chose to be custodial parent of the child. Don't try to play pity party because it's expensive. Did you ever even ask the man if he would rather be the custodial parent? I know darn well my husband would gladly accept that responsibility. So if you think it's too tough and you need help, stop being so selfish and worrying about what people will say if you let your ex have custody of the child. You're supposed to be thinking of the child in the first place so who cares what people say about you as long as your child is happy, healthy, loved and well cared for?

Sorry for the rant... I'm just at my wits end with my own situation....
post #71 of 101
very well said, Illyana!

I know excatly where you and Hairsylist are coming from because I've been through it myself with my DH and S'kids. My S'kids are now older and I've seen the negative effects of a toxic bio-mom. It sticks with these kids for a long time, maybe for the rest of their life.

Both Dh and I have worked two jobs at the same time just to cover all the expenses. Yes, so in a round about way, I was also paying child support to this women also, while our own children were having to do without because of it. When the custodial bio-parent is being unreasonable, it's not just the ex and their children who suffer, ALOT of other people end up suffering also.

sincerly,
one who does not list her S'kids in her siggy either.
post #72 of 101
Thread Starter 
VERY VERY WELL SAID ILLYANA AND YOYO65.

I am actually impressed that there are some women out there that actually still have hearts and know EXACTLY what I am going through. Other people think it is so easy just because their situation is going smooth.

Honey, try walking in my shoes for one day. I promise you that you wont have the same outlook on the situation anymore. It is not east and it is not a bowl of cheerios.

You know, my dh and I were talking last night. He is trying to get another job just so he can support us a little better (because of course, op gets 20% of his income now) And he said that it would be pointless to get another job, because she could just take 20% of that too. Pretty shitty huh? He gets a 2nd job because he cant support us with the one he has now and she still gets more money. Yeah, maybe he should have waited to have a child with me, BUT HE DIDNT. It is definetly a crying shame that just because SHE IS A WOMAN, she automatically gets child support. DH has to pay not only 20%, but insurance(when dsd is on Medicaid), half of daycare(if she goes), half of ALL the medical bills...ETC. So what is she responsible for? Taking care of dsd when she has all kinds of men in and out of her apt. And yes I know that she does because I have been there when it has happened. It doesnt look too good on you when you have to get paternity tests done on not one child, but BOTH of them... She is a money hungry bitch and thats all there is to it.

Yeah, I may set some people off by saying some things I just said, but I really dont care. Sorry my life is not perfect!
post #73 of 101
Okay, youre angry. I understand that and I understand why. Now, do you want to stay angry and be right or do you want things to get better?

I would guess in a heartbeat you want things to get better. This is where you just let it go. I know, it sucks, but its really the only way for your life to get any better.

You're always gonna have 20% taken off. Its just a fact. (and I know you know that) Its how you deal with it that can change. Does that make sense? Even though you're feeling very powerless right now, you actually do have alot of power.

Gotta run, be back in a jiff!
post #74 of 101
Okay, I'm back. (whether you want me to be or not )

I've been through what you're going thru. The anger and hate just eats away at you. And drains sooo much energy too. I guess I just hope you find a way to let it all go. Things will never be fair, she'll always drive you nuts, and she'll always have the upper hand in our current court system. Dont let her have the power over you and your emotions by letting whatever she does (or doesnt do) get to you.

That said, you were originally asking about custody/visits. I cant remember, has your dh tried to get more time? What happened with that?
post #75 of 101
this reminds me of what bio-mom of the 18 and 19 yr old sd's did quite a few years ago.

Little background:
For the first 5 years of Sd's life, bio-mom had custody, Dh paid child support but rarely got to see his kids because bio-mom wouldn't let him see the girls. she also moved ALOT (read: evicted) and he couldn't find them, etc. bio-mom physically and mentally abused the girls. We are pretty sure they were sexually abused by some of the many men she would bring home from the bar.
they were in and out of foster care. She has consummed alcohal and drugs throughout everyone of her NINE pregnancys. One of my Sd's has Fetal Alcohal Effect. REMEMBER, DH WAS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT ALL THIS TIME.

Dh won custody when they were 5 and 6. Bio-mom was given SUPERVISED VISITATION. Which she barely had because she wouldn't show up. Dh and the girls have recieved maybe $500 in childsupport in all this time.

Throughout all this time, bio-mom is trying to make our lives a living hell.

A few years ago, when the girls were old enough to see their mother with out supervision, they went to see her a few times over a 6 month period and had like one overnight. Check this out:



Bio-mom then files for child support, claiming (no, actually lying) that the girls are LIVING WITH HER!! She never went through the courts to try to win custody back, she just claimed they were living with her when all they did was visit a few times. The county believed her without checking on anything.
All of the sudden Dh starts getting is paycheck garnished. We had to jump through hoops to get it all straighted out. Why did she not have to provide any proof? Talk about a double standard.:


BTW, this women has had ALL nine children she has givin birth to taken away by a county for severe abuse and neglect. She doesn't pay child support for any of them. Ooops, I take that back, 2 she gave up for adoption. She has also been in and out of jail numerous times.
post #76 of 101
In my experience, Shenjall is right, you do just have to let it go. I learned the hard way. I was angry ( still am to an extent, as I have every right to be, but it does not control my everyday living) and it was hurting my relationship with Dh, which is excatly what biomom wanted. Don't her control your feelings and emotions. Then she has the upper hand.

That said, always stay 3 steps ahead of her. Go above and beyond to provide for you stepchild as best you can. Document EVERYTHING you do, buy, etc. Document all the abuse she gives the child or your family. Document the neglect. Don't engage her. Just calmly do what you need to do with a smile, even if it is a fake smile.

When the shit hits the fan (and it will) documentation and good karma should be on your side. Save your energy for the real fight. Believe me, you'll need it.
post #77 of 101
I would have serious reservations about sending my child to anyone who said the mother was JUST a ********

I know what you think is going on. You were not his first wife, you have only his side of the story and you sound very angry.

I think you should find some peace of mind before you go back to courts and let the sd mother find out how you feel about her for now.
post #78 of 101
"Karma" is what dh and I have been telling ourselves for years! Its certainly helped us get thru the rough and rougher times.

I agree yoyo, go above and beyond. Its a win/win for you and for the kids.

Our line of thinking is expect nothing. These are our kids. Period. If we get c/s, woo hoo! Its more of a bonus in our mind, not expected at all. If the kids get p/u for a visit. Hey, free babysitting. Note: not that we think of the other parents as just "babysitters" or unimportant, we certainly do encourage visits and relationships. We've cancelled many a occasion at the last minute for those last minute visit calls. Its just a way for us to cope, thats all.
post #79 of 101
I dont know, not every has to love you, do they? As long as she's not calling the biomom a b**** to the child, what difference does it make?
How many people badmouth their ex's? Or their ex's new wives/girlfriends? I see "spermdonor" and "stepmonster" all the time........

and on the note of serious reservations, when bmom calls me a f'in b**** and dh a f'in a-hole and that she hopes we die in a very slow and painful way (in front of the kids) should the kids still be sent to see her?
post #80 of 101
seriously wishing the death of the other parent right in front of the child should be considered child abuse.
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