hell just swallowed me up - Page 2

[mamabeard]

simonee.. yes, thanks it's true, that. i realize that i just can't picture him being vulnerable and lastingly intimate. he has a very hard time looking deep inside.. anyway, i certainly want him to be happy.. and maybe this woman has the right emotional character to blend with him. in which case, it's a good thing. i just think it's lamo and unrealistic or something for him to be over me, just like that, without processing our relationship.. you know? like he's just dishonoured our love completely (i feel), and the lying, well yes, he proved that one already.. this is not the first time.

mamasoleil, it's so weird.. i saw your name in the online folks box thing, and for some reason i knew you were writing me! even tho we haven't "spoken" here in months.. you're right, everything happens for a reason! (and no he's not from ottawa, but i'm guessing that's a referrence to some other self-centered heartbreaker..) your words are kind and sweet, thank you. his loss! yeah!

edited cuz it's not nice to refer to people as lamos

[MamaSoleil]

Mamabeard,

Your energy seems stronger. Everyday you will get stronger, as our bellies' grow....thinking of you!

Mamasoleil

[padomi]

I just want to add that it sounds to me like you are a very passionate person. I can relate - I have said those very things, almost verbatim, about a love lost before. I thought perhaps you might feel better to know that when I think of him and how I felt then - like I'd never get over it, etc., it makes me kind of smile. He really was a HUGE loser (my ex) and I was too blind with love to see that then. I thank God everyday that he left me!!! I have grown so much as a person, put my passionate energies into more positive outlets (like being a mommy and wife to my wonderful dh) and I am SSSOOOO happy things worked out like they did. It's a cliche for a reason - time heals! You will be miserable and sick and feel like life isn't worth living, etc. for a short time, but you WILL - I'm 110% positive about this - move on and be a much happier, stronger, well-adjusted person for having suffered this loss! Just feel your pain for now and know that it's perfectly normal and that it will pass. You're just being human!!!

Hugs and smiles to you!!

[MamaSoleil]

I actually just saw the heartbreak I was referring to, about 3 days ago, for the first time in 6 yrs..and damn, I was glad that minute, that he had left me....I would have never left him!!!(or, maybe I would have, guess I'll never know.)
But yeah, I felt stomped on, felt like he chewed me up, than threw me out...no one, has ever made me feel that way...
The sun does shine again...I also, make that vow to you.

PEace, love and harmony,

Mamasoleil

[padomi]

Mamabeard - check this out.

http://dailymotivator.com/memberflash/rightnow.html

[mamabeard]

thanks for that link.. i guess that's why i had insomnia. i'm never up this early..


the thing about this is.. i don't want to oversimplify the situation. he's not a complete loser. maybe some day i'll feel differently, but right now all i'm remembering is the sweetness. he was so sweet. realistically our relationship was about 1/3 hell, 1/3 just goin' along and 1/3 inbetween. both deserve their due credit. right now i'm probably just filling the void he left by refusing to acknowledge the sweet, the wonderful, the love. i'm pretty sure he is justifying his new relationship to himself by remembering only the hell, only the problems, and me only as the embodiement of those things. that's what's hurting so much. since i've left, there have only been 2 times since that first week apart when he has been OPEN to me, and both times he seemed so shocked and awed that we were getting along so well, and put me in the frame of reference as the girl he was in love with. it seems like he just covered up his heart with self-induced amnesia. it's hard to explain without going into tons of details, but we were really close much of the time. connected. and so much of my pain right now is because i'm remembering the connections, on alot of levels, and i'm made to feel like it was all an illusion.. maybe it's just part of the grieving process, but i'm really reluctant to just "get over him".. i have to feel the pain to make sense of this. i think. i don't like the pain.. but the point of this is that none of it is cut and dry. we were good friends. and now he's treating me like i've always been his enemy. promises that we made eachother at the end, while still in love, tho both hurting, he broke.. and from the bits and pieces of explaination he's offered up, it's cuz he's decided the entire relationship was a big mistake, loving me was an illusion.

anyway, these are the things i am processing right now. the link was very wonderful, but it made me cry.. for lost dreams i guess..

[MamaSoleil]

Mamabeard~

How are you doing????

Mamasoleil

[mamabeard]

tellement "a propos"!

hi mama

well.. my emotions are still a bit of a teeter totter, but they're definately evening out. deep down i am still sad, but there is so much to be happy about. i have a beautiful son, a new baby coming soon and my health, my creative life that i'm re-discovering..

and actually, last night something magical happened.. i decided to let myself dream.. while i was walking home from the store i started talking to myself about the boy (man) who i will eventually meet who is right for me.. i got really excited about it (doing this is actually how i got together with this particular ex, so i know it works.. only now i've revised my standards a bit..heh), and then, last night, i dreamed about an INCREDIBLY sweet guy, oh my, he was so patient and kind and wise and into me.. ahhh.. it was the nicest dream i've had in a LONG while, and i do believe it was the first night i did NOT dream about my ex in 2 months!

so anyway, i doubt i'll meet this guy (or the right guy or whatever) for a while, possibly a looong while, but this time i'm gonna get it right. i have a lot of issues to contend with in myself first. consistent self-esteem is at the top of the list, and to get that i have to spend time with myself, doing what i love, loving my life as it is.. this dreaming stuff is symbolic for the fruition of such efforts. i'm not concerned with meeting him right now, or replacing my ex. but i AM a romantic at heart, methinks, so it's nice to hold on to a vision until that time comes.. (and it is definately helping me get over him!)

thanks for asking, sweet mama

[MamaSoleil]

Mamabeard~

So glad to hear it. I did the most insightful soulsearching after being emotionally trampled on...Enjoy your time, I hear you about being a romantic. And hey, set out your intentions on the next partner...why not? Be specific, it's pretty funky when you find him!!!
I'm thinking of you....and your little growing babe and your beautiful ds.
(I have to say, sort of a 'bonus' : for lack of a better term, that this happened at this time of year...you'll have the sun to help you mend your heart...can you imagine this happening in the gray gray winter????)(heh, just looking at the bright side... )



Mamasoleil

[mamabeard]

i forgot to mention why it was "a propos".. cuz in my dream, he was explaining this scientific/weird theory thing he had thot up to me, and asked me if i could understand. i then realized the accompanying paper with his little designs and such had stuff written in french, and i'm bilingual, like you (and him!) so that's why it was kinda cool, that you, a french woman, asked me. hee.

[mamabeard]

you're online! cool! and thankyou

and yes, it's definately a wonderful bonus to be lilted onward by springtime.. can't get too depressed when the weather's so sweet..

[MamaSoleil]

i forgot to mention why it was "a propos".. cuz in my dream, he was explaining this scientific/weird theory thing he had thot up to me, and asked me if i could understand. i then realized the accompanying paper with his little designs and such had stuff written in french, and i'm bilingual, like you (and him!) so that's why it was kinda cool, that you, a french woman, asked me. hee.

:LOL

YEah, I'm online, at work, almost done, then going on a roadtrip with the fam for 5 days!! YAY!

I totally feel your energy, much better than last week!!!

[mamabeard]

i love roadtrips.. where are you going? (btw i passed throo canmore on my way here 2 months ago, and i used to live in banff- and hitched to canmore once.. love them rockies!)

and did you know we're due only 8 days apart?
have fun on your trip!

[MamaSoleil]

We are seriously considering going back to Canmore, I miss it so much! And there is not much work here for dh, he's in construction..which is why tomorrow, we are headed for Ottawa, he's going to try to find work there...we will stay at my cottage where I spent every summer growing up...it's going to be nice.
8 days apart, crazy!!! Is your belly totally going nuts??? This baby moves SO much! :LOVE
Do you know what you are having? I don't, but sort of wish I did!!!

Mamasoleil

[mirthfulmum]

Mamabeard

When I first began reading this thread my heart was breaking for you. You are having to deal with so much negative emotional @$#% during a time when you should be enjoying the positives. And as I read on I was heartened to see that you are gaining strength and wisdom from the break-up. Your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there is amazing. I just wanted to say WOW! It takes a lot of inner power to reach out like that. I wish you all the love in the world. You really deserve it

I also noticed that you said you had recently moved to BC. Where abouts? I’m in Vancouver and we have a Mothering play group that meets once a month. The next get together on May 5th and you are welcome to join us. If your interested visit our thread http://mothering.com/discussions/sh...&threadid=47394.
(if the link dosen't work, and I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't, PM me and I'll fill in the details for you)

[padomi]

It's worth the wait - finding that guy. I'd go through all the agony and tears caused by all my Mr. Wrongs again a thousand times if I had to in order to get to Mr. Right, (who I have happily been married to now for 7 years). I like to think all that pain made me mature and strong enough to be able to love and be loved by someone so gentle and kind and patient. For some (like me and maybe like you) it takes a while to learn that you CAN (and SHOULD) have love without conflict and pain. I think life offers enough conflict and pain on it's own and love should be a refuge from it...it shouldn't offer it's own (conflict and pain). And it shouldn't be like a drug (some REALLY amazing times to dull the pain of the bad times). I could count on one hand the number of times there has been conflict in 7 years with my Mr. Right, and even then, there was no voice raising or anger. Finding peace and security in yourself and in a loving peaceful relationship is pure bliss. I have NO doubt you'll find it.

Hugs to you.

Mrs. Right

[mamabeard]

Wow

just found this thread, looking up old stuff. pretty relevant to my situation right now. anyway, the wow part is that i went pretty deep into that visualization, even prayed and chatted it up with imaginary-future-boyfriend..

and the good news/ happy ending to this thread is that i met my soulmate 6 months ago (and a bit), and he's everything i ever dreamed of (AND MUCH MORE!! woah!), and so a great big THANK YOU to mamasoleil and everyone who encouraged my getting over creepy ex.

MERCI for MERCY, o Lord!

and the happiest ending will be when we get our babies back. and get married (sometime within this year)..

[AngelBee]

FOr weird.....I did a search to get an update on your kiddies. I ended up on this thread.....I thought it was from 2005!!! I was thinking ....oh crap....things got worse!

Glad to know I mixed up the dates!!!

Just wanted to check in with you and send my love mamabeard!!!

[Viola]

Congratulation!. I'm so glad that this thread is 2 years old and we get to hear there is a happy ending.

[mamabeard]

haha!! oh God, no, i am completely over him. after this particular cheating episode, there were several more. it's kinda (well very!!) sad how very into him i was, and worked up i was. but you know, i was pregnant with his child and all. mommy hormones, i guess.

yeah, i just thot it was interesting that it all worked out. my boyfriend is NOTHING like him. sweetest, most sincerest, loving, hillarious, kind, etc etc man EVER. we knew the moment our eyes met that we were soulmates.

so, i hope to offer inspiration for anyone who feels life is as low as it can get; things can turn around rather swiftly, and drastically. and prayer/intention is the key!!

blessings