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Walking in on it... - Page 2

post #21 of 39
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I hear you...
I should say that me and my dh have looked at it ONCE together and it was fun/kind of comedic and kind of stimulating...
But generally, our arousal has always centered around our extreme attraction to one another.
That's why I would feel bugged if I knew he was centering it elsewhere.
I don't feel so bothered by the actual fact that he will pleasure himself...I mean, it's his body....I am not his sexuality. He was a sexual person before he met me. I dont' want to own his sexuality.
But I do want our sexual relationship to be exclusive and I guess I feel that if he started to focus his sexual energy outside of that exclusivity more and more often (even by more masturbation/looking at pictures without me), I feel like it's a bit of a breakdown...does that make sense?
post #22 of 39
I chuckled a little reading this thread. I have never walked in on my dh um, you know. I asked him once about servicing himself and he said that is why he got married. He seems to want me to think he does not do it ever...

Lately I'm the one um... I'm well in need a lot, pregnancy does that to me. Dh is all to happy to be present and invovled. We're not suffering in this dept from pregnancy more from his working late and me being tired (well that is pregnancy related).

If I did ever walk in on my dh, I know he would want me to join in and take over. That would be my suggestion to OP, next, if there is on, join in. My dh drops hints like yours did when he is in need and it's been awhile - I generally try to be sure I get time in for him that evening, put the kids to bet early or plop them down on the couch with a video...:
post #23 of 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahappymel View Post
Yeah, I hear you...
I should say that me and my dh have looked at it ONCE together and it was fun/kind of comedic and kind of stimulating...
But generally, our arousal has always centered around our extreme attraction to one another.
That's why I would feel bugged if I knew he was centering it elsewhere.
I don't feel so bothered by the actual fact that he will pleasure himself...I mean, it's his body....I am not his sexuality. He was a sexual person before he met me. I dont' want to own his sexuality.
But I do want our sexual relationship to be exclusive and I guess I feel that if he started to focus his sexual energy outside of that exclusivity more and more often (even by more masturbation/looking at pictures without me), I feel like it's a bit of a breakdown...does that make sense?

It absolutely does!!
post #24 of 39
Ladies, I am at my wits end. Today, I was using hubby's scanner to scan my u/s pics to send to my mom and his scanning software brings up the last pic he scanned. It was of his EX WIFE!!! and not just a picture but one of those pictures. I am so devastated. I don't know what to say. He isn't home yet and doesn't know that I know. What do I do?
post #25 of 39
Thread Starter 
OH MY GOSH.
Um....wow.
I'm sorry
This is something I would definitely bring up...but how? Yikes. I think the direct approach is the way to go. You might just bring it up the same way you're telling us.
You know, just a suggestion too....if you start a new thread (not that I mind you posting here), you will get more visibility and more responses...if you want more.
Love to you,
Mel.
post #26 of 39
I just thought this was supposed to be a beautiful wonderful time and I am nothing but stressed between this and my bad drs appt the other day, I just want to sit and cry all day.
post #27 of 39
Thread Starter 
Ah Mama
This is awful. Does he still have contact with the ex? Or do you think he just found an old photo and scanned it for some weird sentimental reason?
post #28 of 39
I honestly don't know. She lives in the same town he goes to school in and until today, I hadnt really thought anything. Even it was for sentimental reasons, this is so wrong. They are pictures of her in lingerie in their old apartment. The weird thing is he always talks about how much he dislikes her and what kind of person she is.
post #29 of 39
Thread Starter 
I hear you...and I was not in the least trying to imply that scanning the picture for sentimental reasons makes it right.
I guess my thought was just why is he looking at pics of her? Is there a current relationship or just a thought in his head?
You know, my ex always badmouths his ex...and then one day he admitted that they had post-divorce sex (we did not meet until years later).
Yikes. I can't imagine having sex with my ex-husband. The same reasons I divorced him are the reasons I can't be in an intimate/sexual relationship with him either. I don't even fantasize about him.
I have no idea of what the reality of your situation is or isn't...but my thought is that it's going to have to start with an uncomfortable conversation.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
post #30 of 39
Thank you so much for letting me vent about this. I don't know how I am going to bring it up but I know that I need to. I just don't get men sometimes, I really don't.

I'm with you, my ex is my ex for a reason and there is nothing about him that I would be willing to risk my current relationship for.
post #31 of 39
Oh no, this is not right at all. : I'm so sorry you have to deal with this right now (or ever).

I agree you're going to have to have that uncomfortable conversation in order to figure out what's going on. It could be something weird but innocuous (like he's posting it on one of those web sites where you get back at your ex by exposing them...). But in any event, you do need to know what the deal is.

I am sending you strength!!! I hope it goes well. Please keep us posted.
post #32 of 39
Thread Starter 
The fact that he scanned it seems like he might be sending it to someone, posting it somewhere or wanting to keep it on the computer for "safe-keeping".
This will not be easy to bring up...I know you had previously said that you caught him looking at other pornographic pics and were not happy about it. How did he react when you talked about that?
post #33 of 39
Some things are better left unsaid...
Not always mind you, but there is a time and a place for things. Now may not be the time to bring this up or it might be.
Maybe just watch it and see if something is going on, see if he is "cheating" or if it the photo in the scanner was just a fluke, meaning nothing.
If you have more than just the picture to be suspicious about, then you know what you need to do.
post #34 of 39
Thread Starter 
You know, sometimes things are better left unsaid...
But if this is something that is bothering you, it is important to let it out instead of worrying/wondering...feeling mistrust and suspicion.
It is important to purge all of that, in my opinion especially now when you are getting ready to give birth. The negative feelings that you hold in are not good for you or your baby. This is just my opinion of course.
I don't know...if this was just looking at a picture of an anonymous person on some porn site, it would be it's own thing...but this is a picture of a real person on the outskirts of his life. You did say she lives in the town he goes to school in...does he still talk to her at all?
post #35 of 39
He doesn't talk to her that I know of but I don't really know what I know anymore, if that makes any sense. I confronted him about it and he said that it was on there from awhile ago and that he hadn't looked at them in months. I still don't know the exact reasoning behind it but I can't control what he did prior to living with me. I calmly explained to him that if anything like this happens again, he can find himself an apartment. He did then go in and delete any trace of porn off of his computer.

Luckily, I am a computer technician and he's a bit retarded when it comes to them so I can keep an eye on this and see if he is serious or not.

I really appreciate all of you listening to me about this. This isn't something that you can talk to just anyone about.
post #36 of 39
Yes I've caught dh in the act before. It doesn't really bother me, and at this point I'm relieved sometimes when he satisfies himself. I'm so uncomfortable and exhausted...

That said if it bothered me I would say something about it. I would be careful how you bring it up though, it's nothing to be ashamed about it, and it is his body. Stick to how it makes you feel. Hopefully he'll be able to reassure you

Regarding porn, I used to be really bothered by it when I first started dating dh. I was just threatened by those women who have impossible looking bodies and worried that dh would be dissapointed with me. Once we got more comfortable with each other though I realized that he didn't expect me to look like them and he's still attracted to me no matter what, even when I'm 8 months pg
post #37 of 39
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by snazzy_mom View Post
He doesn't talk to her that I know of but I don't really know what I know anymore, if that makes any sense. I confronted him about it and he said that it was on there from awhile ago and that he hadn't looked at them in months. I still don't know the exact reasoning behind it but I can't control what he did prior to living with me. I calmly explained to him that if anything like this happens again, he can find himself an apartment. He did then go in and delete any trace of porn off of his computer.

Luckily, I am a computer technician and he's a bit retarded when it comes to them so I can keep an eye on this and see if he is serious or not.

I really appreciate all of you listening to me about this. This isn't something that you can talk to just anyone about.
How are you feeling about it now?
post #38 of 39
Things seem to be better but we'll see. He's on a "probationary" period. I told him that I am now at a zero tolerance level and I have been a single parent before, I'll do it again before I put up with that crap. He seems to be genuinely sorry and I haven't really brought it up again. We had a scare last night and I thought we were on our way to the hospital so I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum. Luckily, my mom came over today and cleaned for me so I feel alot better about my house. Now if everything else would just fall into place....lol

I really appreciate your concern. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't get that out.
post #39 of 39
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by snazzy_mom View Post
I really appreciate your concern. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't get that out.
Ditto
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