Thanks, Adon! It's good to know I'm not alone. I faced the same thing with ds1, who was 16 mos when I got pg with dd. I stuck it out (it was somewhat easier, because I didn't have other children to tend to, so I could devote myself fully to him) through the whole pregnancy, and I'm glad that I did, because I truly feel he needed it. Also, i was motivated because we had such trouble getting breastfeeding established--he had a tongue tie, and it caused all sorts of trouble at the beginning. I guess part of me felt that after working through so much and never giving in, I didn't want to give it all up too soon, KWIM? Still, it was verrrrry hard.
DD weaned herself soon after I got pg with ds2, and I felt so much guilt because she was only 16 months when she weaned, which seemed much too young to me. But at the same time, I felt quietly relieved, because I really feared getting to that place of aversion again. It took me a long time to come to peace with her weaning, but I finally accepted it as an answer to prayer--literally! Because I honestly prayed that God would help me through the nursing-while-pregnant issue. And He did--just not in the way I thought I wanted!
Anyway, I am so hesitant to consider weaning ds2, because he is only 17 months old! And he really seems to still need/want the relationship. I don't want to take it away from him, and I don't want to feel the guilt again.
And yet, I also know that my tension and stress about it is going to be picked up by him. He's been so fussy and clingy lately, that I think it already is, quite honestly. And that's not good either. How can I meet his needs for comfort and security and warmth and closeness and pleasure, etc., if I'm cringing inside each time I nurse him, and he KNOWS it?
I just don't know what to do. I want to try to just take it one day at a time, because I'm sure that if I can make it through the pregnancy, we'll be fine. Tandem nursing doesn't bother me, and by that time, he'll be old enough to understand limits if I need to set them. But how can I make it through 6 more months of this? And would I be doing him any favors by *forcing* myself to endure it, without any enjoyment? He's a smart little guy, and I don't think I could fool him for a minute!
And as far as taking it one day at a time--is that even fair, if I can't be consistent in my own emotions? If i can sit and cuddle and nurse and enjoy it one minute, yet turn around the next and be unable to stand it? How confusing must that be!
I know it must sound like I'm looking for an easy answer, or absolution for giving up. Really that's not the case. I have no intention (at least, not now) of weaning him. But I just hope that I'm doing the right thing. That I'm not actually harming him by not being able to control these feelings.
I dunno if that makes any sense. I think if he were as old as your ds, I would have no qualms in guiding him to wean. DS1 weaned himself at just a few days shy of 3, just quit totally cold-turkey. Then a couple months later, indicated that he wanted milk again, LOL! At that point, I was not willing to turn back the clock, so to speak, but I was able to talk WITH him about it, and I feel sure that he didn't suffer. I'm sure that your son is prolly just fine, and I hope that you can find peace in the situation, because from my POV, you have made a very understandable and loving decision.
I just think my situation is a bit different only because my son is still so young....I noticed tonight when I laid him in bed--his breath, the top of his head--he still smells like a baby! Oh, that smell! I couldn't let him go for the longest time.
Anyway, thanks again for the support, everyone. It really means so much to know I'm not going through this alone. To most people, it's a no-brainer: wean him, already--he's really too old to be "doing that" as it is!
I almost feel bad, knowing the great joy they are missing out on. Of course, as with any great joy, there is pain and sacrifice involved, right?