Husbands and Homebirths?

[ktmelody]

Not going into to much detail here. I want a homebirth for my 5th baby. My DH does not.
He says he feels unsafe about it. He thinks my other 4 kids will be a hassle. He jsut is very uncomfortable with it.
I must add that I live literaly 5 miles from the hospital, if something was going wrong.
Please tell my how your DH/DP feels about it? How was it mentioned? WHat did or does he think about it?
I am 17 weeks now and would love to interveiw midwives ASAP.
How do you get your DH/DP to come around?

[twogreencars]

I was originally signed up for a birth center birth. My DH thought it would be easier, cheaper, less hassle - especially with the kids, cleanup, etc. When the birth center said if I went over they would send me to the hospital and when they never returned my phone calls, I found a HB MW and that was that. My DH is glad we're no longer with the birth center and likes the MW (in fact, it turned out he knew her from his last job!). He still thinks the kids should not be around, though...(although they want to be - if I can get a friend to be with them, they'll be here - otherwise, they'll go somewhere else!).

[Pandora114]

At first my DH was all about it. Then I laid it down. I told him I appreciated his concern, I know it's safer than a hospital birth, that he's gotta get off his butt and do his research to get my butt in the hospital. And even then it wont work because it's my body, my labour, it'll be MY body that's gonna be getting violated repeatedly by strangers (I have severe anxiety PTSD under certain situations) And if he didn't like the idea he could go to the pub and get drunk and I'd call him when it's done.

He did his research and realized that being around for the birth of his kid was more important than getting his way.

[MichelleAnnette]

Have you tried the "Let's just meet some midwives and go from there" route? He might change his mind once he meets a midwife or two.

[sappylady]

My husband isn't too thrilled with the idea. He's not against it, but he doesn't understand why I want it. He's worried about the mess, the cost, what if something goes wrong, the kids, my family, his family, the neighbors.

I realized that it's his job to worry about it. He's fine. He rarely says anything about it either way now. He will be going to meet the MW during my next appt. I'm hoping that she can help him be OK with it. Either way I'm going to HB so he needs to get over it.

[umami_mommy]

my dh loved our homebirth so much that he did a PP presentation about it at work. (he needed to do a PPP for his "office" cert.)

even though he's generally a huge cheapo, he told me he would be happy to pay up to $2000 out of pocket to have this one at home too.

at some point you have to seperate everyone else's feelings about homebirth from your feelings about homebirth, and ask him to deal with his own fear. it's his fear and it's his job to cope with it. it's your birth and you have a right to decide what happens with your body and your baby. i would say, tell him since it's *your* birth he needs to research it and try and convince you otherwise, not the other way around. it's not your job to make him feel safe about your choices, you have enough to deal with yuorself, and anyway, noone can really make us feel safe besides ourselves.

then find a midwife and drag him to the appt. and let him ask her all the questions he wants, and then see how he feels. don't wait to find a MW until he agrees.

i have a friend who's husband is a nurse practioner and would never have considered homebirth before they met me (she had a horrible first birth), she went to meet my midwife and let him do all the talking. and after meeting her, he agreed.

not to be a b*&#$, but sometime you just have to put your foot down and say "this is *my* birth and this is what *i* want." and then let dh deal with it.

[RAF]

My dh was for homebirth after our bad experience in the hospital. We read about things, and I gave him articles, etc. after the birth of our first (before I was even pregnant a second time) that were pro homebirth and spoke about the very issues we had go wrong in the hospital. So during that time we decided that if we ever got pg again, it would be a homebirth. I think he would have been okay with a homebirth the first time too, but I was the one freaked out about it. He is really pretty laid back and thinks since I am the one going to be birthing the baby, then I should get to decide where/how to birth. We ended up going the UC route with #2, and he was very supportive about it. I guess I just lucked out finding such a supportive dh.

[saratchka]

My DH was a bit nervous about the safety issues. It really helped him to sit down with the MW and present her with a whole bunch of "what if" scenarios. He discovered that she could take care of nearly any common birth complication and that most of those she couldn't handle would be identifiable in time to get me and the baby to the hospital in time. That made him much more comfortable with the whole idea. I think there's a part of him that would rather we went to a birth center, but he's content with the homebirth now.

[momto l&a]

My dh with our first was cautious but he started picking my brain about all I had read and of course I was born at home so that helped.

We then had our first child born at home and he loved it so. We are expecting our 4th next year and he is looking forward to it again.

He spreads the word about how great hb is

[Minerva]

He wasn't too keen on a homebirth for the first kid, frankly. Fortunately I had precipitous labor with her. I told him that since she was already crowning, I wasn't leaving the house until she was out. The hospital (and ob on duty) was horrible when we got there, btw.

After that, he agrees that we're having a homebirth if we have another kid. Apparently women in my father's family are prone to precipitous labor, so even if I wanted to go to the hospital, we wouldn't make it in time anyway. It's easier and more convenient to plan a homebirth than have another oopsie.

[Peony]

DH wasn't thrilled with the idea, I listened to all his concerns over and over again, but in the end I just said HB was what I was doing. DH thinks HB is great now, he keeps trying to convince his bro that it's the only way to go.

[ktmelody]

It is great to hear all of your input.....
I have a great husband.
He stays home with the kids, changes diapers, gets up in the middle of the night. Rocks little ones to sleep. He is very supportive.
He is just scared that I will die or the baby will and he cant get over it.
It is HIS baby too. No, he wont give birth to it, but I can see his concern.
Maybe he will come around. BTW I REALLY like my OB and have no problems with hospitals, I just want to be at home with my family. I hate leaving them.
If he wont agree to a HB then I think i will labor for as long as possible at home and then go to the hospital to make him feel better.
But, i do hope he comes around........

[Pandora114]

Originally Posted by ktmelody

It is great to hear all of your input.....
I have a great husband.
He stays home with the kids, changes diapers, gets up in the middle of the night. Rocks little ones to sleep. He is very supportive.
He is just scared that I will die or the baby will and he cant get over it.
It is HIS baby too. No, he wont give birth to it, but I can see his concern.
Maybe he will come around. BTW I REALLY like my OB and have no problems with hospitals, I just want to be at home with my family. I hate leaving them.
If he wont agree to a HB then I think i will labor for as long as possible at home and then go to the hospital to make him feel better.
But, i do hope he comes around........

His baby yes. But it's YOUR body. Remember that.

YOU are the one who has to deal with the interventions, YOU are the one who has the hands shoved up them, YOU are the one who has to push this baby out, and YOU are the one who has to be %100 comfortable with your surroundings and the people around you. NOT Him.

[wildthing]

My dh wasn't convinced immedately when I brought it up with baby #4. But I gave him info (hard facts, statistics are what he wanted). We interviewed with a midwife, and he was comfortable with her skills. But what really helped him was talking to other families that had homebirths, especially other fathers that he could relate to.

I will admit, I told him I would not go to the hospital. There have been a few times that I have put my foot down in our relationship, and this was one of them. We each have played "the card". When we absolutely feel very strongly about something, and we really can not be convince otherwise. I was afraid to go back to the hospital after birth #3. I played my card. He respected that, even though he was unsure. He said "I am not completely comfortable with the idea, but I will support you." By the time the baby was born, he was more than sold. Now, he is one of the biggest hb advocates I know.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by saratchka

My DH was a bit nervous about the safety issues. It really helped him to sit down with the MW and present her with a whole bunch of "what if" scenarios. He discovered that she could take care of nearly any common birth complication and that most of those she couldn't handle would be identifiable in time to get me and the baby to the hospital in time. That made him much more comfortable with the whole idea. I think there's a part of him that would rather we went to a birth center, but he's content with the homebirth now.

This is how it went with my dh, though he was not "OK" with it until 38 weeks. As far as "laboring at home as long as possible" goes, by the time I realized I was in active labor you couldn't have gotten me into the car at gun point. By the time dh got home I was 20min from delivery anyway.

[AllisonR]

MY DH wanted home birth for our first. He grew up on a farm, his two previous children were born at home and he is webmaster for the Danish equivalent of MDC. So, he tried to convince me! Sadly, it didn't work, and I ended up with every single intervention ever created, the icing on the cake being emergency section.

This time, there is absolutely no way I will leave my home. The only thing DH needs this time is a backbone, which isn't part of his personality, so I'm having a spicy girlfriend and private home midwife to cover that.

[um_hanna]

I didnt have a supported homebirth, and was planning on a homebirht, but labored in the midwifes office till it was time to push, then transported to the hospital .. but im going to go w/ my instinct next time

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by ktmelody

It is great to hear all of your input.....
I have a great husband.
He stays home with the kids, changes diapers, gets up in the middle of the night. Rocks little ones to sleep. He is very supportive.
He is just scared that I will die or the baby will and he cant get over it.
It is HIS baby too. No, he wont give birth to it, but I can see his concern.
Maybe he will come around. BTW I REALLY like my OB and have no problems with hospitals, I just want to be at home with my family. I hate leaving them.
If he wont agree to a HB then I think i will labor for as long as possible at home and then go to the hospital to make him feel better.
But, i do hope he comes around........

well, i do think it really all comes down to how much *you* want a homebirth. if it's what you really want, you'll find a way to have one. i'm guessing he senses that you think it might be nice, but it's not really something you are commited to. so, he isn't either.

[musemor]

My husband was really skeptical of home birth and had a lot of fears. A few things helped him get past them.

1. Talking to our midwife. She assured him that she was not interested in a situation that wasn't safe for me or the baby.

2. Articulating his fears. Most of them were really nebulous. He didn't know a lot about birth physiology or the things that can go wrong. He assumed, for example, that all c-sections are emergencies.

3. Preparing himself intellectually. He waited until the last minute to do this. The thing that helped him the most was reading the "medical emergencies" chapter in The Birth Partner. Rather than making him more fearful, it helped him feel like he would recognize a real problem (such as cord prolapse) and would know what to do in that situation.

4. Acknowledging that he would be fearful in any setting. He finally realized that a hospital birth did not feel safer; birth in general felt unsafe to him. My confidence in my body's ability to birth helped him trust me to make the right decision about our labor environment. I also reassured him that I WOULD transfer if it was medically appropriate. He didn't lose his fear completely but he relaxed a lot and was able to be 100% supportive.

[heathenmom]

Originally Posted by ktmelody

He is just scared that I will die or the baby will and he cant get over it.

This was my dh to a T. Like some of the pp, I "put my foot down" and told him that unless there was a *true* emergency, I was NOT having another baby in a hospital. Period. Then I gave him my copy of Henci Goer's book and told him that AFTER he read it, we could have an informed discussion on the matter. He did read it (after much bellyaching ... if it's not military history he has no interest ) and that was all the convincing he needed. He doesn't want me within a mile of an ob ever again. : Granted, our mw has been flaky and we're now searching for another one, but not ONCE has he suggested that an ob/hospital birth is an option.