Mom VS. Doula???

[scsigrl]

So I am the odd woman out in my family. Well... trying to be when it comes to the birth of our first born. My sister had an epi and would get one now (she is due the beginning of next year), would NEVER question a Dr. in regards to vaxing etc. That is all good and dandy...FOR HER.

We are going to Natural route and plan on using a doula. When my Mom heard this, she got SOOOO bent! She was like "Why do you need that?" and "Women have been having babies for years without that kind of help." Now I tried to explain that women have traditionally taken care of women during labor. I also tried to explain that it is what I want. Now don't get me wrong, my Mom had 4 of us, all natural in a time when that wasn't done so much! She is totally supportive of NCB, and BFing. I am thinking the doula thing makes her feel "hurt" like "Why can't I be there with you, I am the one who gave birth to you? Who is THIS person, they don't even know you." type thing.

Anyone else hve this experience? How did you "smooth" it over?

Thanks, SCSIGRL

[sapphire_chan]

"Would you like me to give you information on this or do you want to do the research yourself?"

[DoomaYula]

I think my mom was a little put-out with my first birth when I hired a doula.

But I pointed out, (1) it wasn't about her (2) a doula has experience with contemporary birth (versus my mom who hadn't had a baby in over 20 years) (3) this frees my mom up to take pics, video, hold my hand quietly, etc (4) if you're going to be at a hospital, a doula will probably have experience with that hospital's policies.

hth. I love my mom, but she is my mommy, ya know? And although I wanted her there, I also wanted a professional.

[Mama8]

At my hospital birth I had a doula, and my mom there. It was wonderful. The doula was not intrusive. My mom was free to just be my mom, hold my hand, encourage me along. My doula also encouraged me and ran interference between me and the staff when they were going to do thing I did not want. She knew my birth plan and was able to help me get the kind of birth I wanted. I was also to have my mom support me. A doula is not there to be in competition with family members she is there to be your advocate and a extra person for support. I personally would have both my mother and a doula there. They complimented each other so well.

[mitintraining]

Woman have been giving birth since the beginning of time with exactly that kind of help. The primitive midwife was actually a doula because she didn't do anything clinical (there wasn't anything to do as it was taboo to feel inside of another woman's body). I have been a doula for a few years and have given birth three times myself. My mom was there twice(she didn't make it to one). Because I had a doula (actually 3) she had the ability to act completely within her comfort zone and wasn't asked to do something, like run interference or give me advice, on subjects that she hasn't dealt with in the last 20 years or ever. I would give her the DONA position paper on Doula's and partners so she can see why these woman are a blessing not a curse. I think mainly she is worried about being displaced or just worried about her baby going against the grain. I am from a family of three sisters and a single mom and I am the only one who is into natural anything, so I am the freak and they are all just used to it! Hang in there and remember you have to give birth here, not her!

[wildthing]

I was my daughter's doula at her birth last November. I think it does take a certain kind of relationship to be both the mother/grandmother/doula. Being a midwifery student didn't hurt matters. I know my daughter better than the hospital staff did, and yet I was able to see the normalcy in the process and understand what was going on without my own possible fear of the birth process transferring to her.

Yes, I saw my daughter in discomfort, sometimes pain, but I KNEW she was okay. Often our own mothers feel helpless to take away our pain and fix things for us. But I also saw her strength, her determination to not use drugs, and her joy when her baby was born.

I have doula'ed many women with their mothers with them. Some mothers are very supportive of the mother avoiding all drugs, some want the mother to get an epidural and take away the pain ( a lot like a spouse, really ). You know what your own relationship is like. If you really don't want her there, give her information about doulas and how they support women, add to the birth team but don't replace anyone. If you think it might be okay to have her there, if she has a little more education (?), then perhaps a few doula books might be interesting to her. Yes, her feelings might be hurt......if you are okay wth her being with you, maybe there is a role she could fulfill for you?

[frenchie]

OMG...I could go on for hours about the crap my mom pulled DURING my labor because I didn't want her in the room. I chose a friend to assist us with my labor because we couldn't afford a doula. This friend went to the Bradley Birth classes with us to learn about NCB. Read through and completed the entire workbook and read the most important chapters of the Bradley Birth Method book.....in the end, she was an EXCELLENT substitute for a doula. She was on top of it every step of the way!!
My mom was totally aware of the arrangements. I had explained to her early on that I didn't NEED an audience, nor did I want one. If I were to let her in the room, I was going to have to let my MIL in the room. My mom stresses me out, and we don't have a good relationship to begin with. My MIL, though I love her to pieces, would've driven me insane. I explained to both of them that I was trying to have a very specific experience, and needed to be able to concentrate totally on my body, and NOT on my surroundings. My mom kept reassuring me that I wouldn't care who was in the room, that I would lose all modesty I explained to her every time she brought that up that it had nothing to do with modesty. I didn't care who saw my vagina!!!
To make a long story short, the day I went into labor, she stayed home instead of coming to the hospital...because her "heart was bleeding". My stepdad (I was *shocked* to hear this) told her she was being a selfish a$$hole and that this had nothing at all to with her, and that she needed to get over herself and go to the hospital with him. She stayed!!!! My MIL called her from the hospital when my SD showed up with out my mom, and ripped her a new one!! My mom was there when I got out of recovery. To this day, my mom lives 10 miles away and rarely sees my son. She has seen him 3 times this year...and none of those visits were to spend time with *him*.
If you are planning to have both of them there, just explain to her exactly what a doula is, and why you want her to be there. Remind your mom that this is YOUR birth experience, not hers. This isn't about her, or you trying to push her away. This is about your comfort and making sure your needs are met. This is about making sure your requests to the hospital staff are honored.
If you plan to just have a doula and your DH, your mom has no choice but to accept that decision. She may not be happy about it, she will be hurt, but again, this isn't about her. She will eventually understand. Trust me, this is only one hurdle you will have to jump....unless she is *totally* supportive of your parenting choices.

[Lohagrace]

I plan to have my mom and step-mom (MIL lives on the east coast--thankfully because that would just be too much) there at our birth. BUT they have other roles to play such as just holding my hand or hanging out with dd (and taking dd out of the room, if she wants to leave). I explain the doula this way: the doula is a (natural) birth expert. she is up-to-date on comfort measures, coping, and interventions. my mom and stepmom aren't birth experts by any stretch, although they both did it multiple times. if the doctor says "we think it would be a good idea to rupture your membranes" my mom isn't going to have advice/experience to help us decide if this is a good idea at the time or not. My moms havent been in this situation dozens of times to know what is/isn't usual across several hospitals, birth centers, etc. My moms can't help me stay with my birth plan. in fact, i don't really know what i CAN count on them for, since i have no idea how either of them would act around a laboring woman, let alone when that woman is their daughter with whom they are concerned, don't want to see in pain, emotional about, etc. A doula can say "this is normal. don't worry." a mom might just say "AHHHHH! why is there blood there!" or whatever.
good luck. in the end, it is your choice and not about your mom at all. she may not accept that, even if you tell her that, but you have to remember that that's HER deal, not yours. you arent doing it to be malicious. you are doing it because its your birth and you are the one who needs to do what she needs to do to be comfortable.

[Eaglevoice]

During my birth, my mom thought that she wanted to be really active and supportive. But when it came down to it, she admits that it was really hard for her to see me going through that. She has a very different pov regarding birth and saw me as being in pain in a bad way. She spent most of my labor as far away from me as possible

[scsigrl]

I should have made it clear, I am not planning on having Mom or MIL anywhere near me when I deliver. Well, I should not say near, they can be in the hosp. but that's about as close as I want them (well MIL). I don't mind my Mom "dropping in" here and there, but not the whole time.

I think she is just unhappy that some "other woman" will be there and not her. She is not one of those who doesn't understand it's not about her. She is very loving and supportive, I just don't want her there when the baby is born. It is a special time for my "new" family I guess is how I see it. Since the Douls is a paid person, she is "removed" from things in a way.

Anyway, I am glad I am not the only one with Mom issues, and to be honest, they don't seem all that bad now after some of your posts!

[zinemama]

Frankly, in your shoes I would hire the doula (sounds like you already plan on it) and not tell the family when you go into labor.

You say you don't want your mother or your MIL anywhere near when you are having the baby. But just knowing they are at the hospital and might pop on by would be enough to stress anyone out. You say you don't mind if your mom "pops by now and then." But how is she going to react when she sees the rapport you have going with the doula, when she's already resentful about it? You don't need that kind of atmosphere at the birth.

I would really concentrate on making this a private experience with you, dh and your doula. Call MIL and mom after you've given birth, tell them the baby came too quick or whatever you want, and let them ooh and ah over the new grandchild, rather than getting in on - and possibly spoiling - the action.

[Fay]

If you are having this type of conflict with your mom during your pregnancy, it will only become more enflamed during labor. Hire the doula.

I found a great doula for my needs, but have not told extended family about her. I asked my mom to stay with me when I had DS, and it was a disaster...she brought in all of her own issues and heaped them on me. By contrast, a doula is a trained professional.

[frenchie]

Originally Posted by scsigrl

I should have made it clear, I am not planning on having Mom or MIL anywhere near me when I deliver. Well, I should not say near, they can be in the hosp. but that's about as close as I want them (well MIL). I don't mind my Mom "dropping in" here and there, but not the whole time.

I think she is just unhappy that some "other woman" will be there and not her. She is not one of those who doesn't understand it's not about her. She is very loving and supportive, I just don't want her there when the baby is born. It is a special time for my "new" family I guess is how I see it. Since the Douls is a paid person, she is "removed" from things in a way.

Anyway, I am glad I am not the only one with Mom issues, and to be honest, they don't seem all that bad now after some of your posts!

Allowing mom to just "pop in" here and there is a totally bad idea. Your mom might feel at liberty to stay longer than you want her to.

[Jilian]

I didn't read all the responses, but here is my $.02:

A doula is not as emotionally invested as your mother is. A doula will be able to stay clear-minded and focused while your mother might respond differently because she's seeing someone she loves and wants to protect dealing with pain. I know doulas who have attended births for their own daughters and they say it is a world of difference and it's hard to stay emotionally detached enough to be strong. And doulas just have more birth experience - plain and simple. I doubt your mom has attended 20+ births in her lifetime. Many doulas have. Hire the doula - your mom can still have a very active part in your birth.

You'd be AMAZED at how many DHs/moms/partners get angry that a doula was hired, then when the labor is going on they admit the could not have made it without the doula present. I've seen this happen too many times to count. In the end, you'll be happy you hired a doula.