Struggling with DH again-long post

[lilysmama1124]

Of course this comes up the same day I post that things are better between Dh and I. Just need to to vent. He has been having a problem throughout the pg remembering to keep his cell phone on or with him. Usually this is only an issue when he is at home and I am away. I can always reach him at work. Anyway what he does is forget to turn it on when he gets home from work or forgets to keep it in whatever room he is in. Then I will try to call him and not be able to reach him for hours. This happens weekly and I have been talking to him about it for months. I keep explaining to him that I could go in to labor and he could miss the birth of his child in the amount of time it takes for him to realize I have been trying to get ahold of him. Half the time he doesn't even realize it until I get home and ask him where his phone is. I guess my feeling is 1) I'm 37 weeks pg he shouldn't be forgeting and 2) even if he does forget wouldn't he think of me at some point during the day and then remember. He just gets defensive or apologizes but nothing seems to change. He is also spending hours a day playing an online computer game and only intereacts with me if I ask him to. I am starting to wonder if the leaving his phone off is intentional. He has been acting excited about the baby and has participated in CBE with our doula but how th f--- do you "forget" to be reachable to your pg wife who could go into labor at any minute. I am just so angry and hurt-and of course walking around the house crying. Sorry for the long post!

[citymama]

Hang in there! My DH did plenty of things to make me cry during the first pregnancy. I think some men have a hard time coming to terms with the big change that is coming and respond by pulling away a bit. I can remember sitting up at 3am sobbing and wondering why he wasn't home with his very pregnant wife instead still out with some of his friends. And he did this once shortly have the baby was born. and believe me, I was livid! This time around, he's better about just being here, but worse about helping out.

Nonetheless, he was truly my hero at the birth and after. I'd had a difficult delivery and he did everything with no help whatsoever until my mom arrived a week later and even then he was doing nearly everything so my mom could just hang out and be there with us. He changed all the diapers, did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, tube feedings after the baby nursed, getting whatever supplies we didn't anticipate we'd need, helping me in and out of bed 24/7, and sleeping in chair in my hospital room.

So hang in there!! Do pester him about the phone, though. Do you have a land line?

[Blu Razzberri]

Pregnancy hormones can make you irrational
: (see what I mean? You don't have to throw things at me! );
but let me assure you that you have completely understandable feelings here!

I'd say that your reaction is probably largely based on your own fears. You fear that YOU'LL be alone in delivery and you'd like to have him there for comfort. : ...ok, ok, I COULD be wrong on that....: OK! It's ALL his fault. Sheesh

Maybe he really doesn't want to be there. Maybe he's scared and would like to conveniently avoid it. Obviously these are maybe's..I don't know him. It might be something to explore with him.

Of course, there's also the possibility that he's simply forgetting to keep track of his phone because HIS mind is full of anxious and worried thoughts about the delivery, not knowing what to expect, the possibility of complications, etc.

Try exploring these two possibilities and see what you come up with.

If in the end you discover that he just keeps forgetting it because he's being absent-minded; perhaps you could...

- set up something like MSN messenger and you could text him ("call me") using your cellphone so it pops up a window on his computer (would be convenient if he's already sitting there anyways).

- (if possible) use his cellphone's datebook and set a repeating daily alarm for about 15 minutes (or longer if he's in the shower then or something) after he gets home so his cellphone "pages" a reminder to him, then he can go get it and keep it on him. Just play around with the cellphone options, because you can probably adjust the alarm reminder to sound higher than the phone ring is set to.

- buy a cheapie alarm clock (WalMart, $10!) and put it right beside the computer. Set it for a time that he's on there and when it goes off he can be reminded to go get his phone.

I hope those ideas and suggestions help you; and good luck with your labor & delivery!

[lexbeach]

I think the end of pregnancy is a very lonely time in general. We're really the only ones who are thinking about our babies ALL day long, wondering when we'll go into labor, what the birth will be like, etc. Our partners just can't go there in their heads, and I have definitely shared your frustration.

My wife is a grad. student, and just this week (I was 39 weeks Monday), I've finally gotten her to accept the fact that she needs to be reachable at all times. This means she needs to leave her cell phone on when she's in class, which bothers her for some reason (though I think everyone would be perfectly understanding if her phone rang in class because her wife was in labor!).

She also says stuff like, "well, you really can't go into labor on Thursday because I can't miss my statistics class. . . " And I just can't believe that it's more important to her to go to class than to get this ENORMOUS baby OUT OF ME! I know that I am at times totally irrational, but I feel like that's my right as someone who's 9 months pregnant. I tell her, "I may be an emotional, irrational fool at the moment, but you still need to listen to me and do everything I say!" I think she's starting to get it.

Anyway, Mama, and I'm sorry you're feeling so sad about dh. I think it's just not real to them until the baby is actually coming out. But I don't think you should take your dh's behavior now as any sign of what's to come after the baby is born. My dw was the same way at the end of my pregnancy last time, and she was the *most* amazing support to me and mama to our babies after they were born.



Lex

[mesmerize138]

Oh mama, you know I am right there with you. That sounds like exactly the kind of stuff that I'm still getting frustrated with. I think the previous poster's suggestions are fantastic. I know my husband would absolutely hate to have a message pop up on his computer while he was doing his all-important gaming, but I also know that it would help him remember that he really needs to have his phone with him.

And while I totally understand the feeling that he doesn't even think about you long enough to remember to keep his phone with him, I don't honestly believe that's true. I do believe that men's brains function differently and that while he's probably thinking about you more times per day than you'd believe, that just doesn't translate to remembering to keep his phone on him. Frustrating, but that's just how it goes.

:

[AllisonR]

Am I the only spiteful woman here? I'd be pissed at that behaviour. Yes, the baby is not in his body so he isn't going to be thinking about it 24/7. Yes, his brain does operate differently. But this seems to be his way of denying the reality that he is going to be a father and he is expected to be present and supportive at your birth.

I wouldn't babysit him, or instant message him or put up an alarm clock. He will only resent you making light of his childish behaviour. The next time it happens I would clearly say to him "I have told you repeatedly that you need to be reachable and that this is important to me. It should be important to you as well. It is not. I will NOT babysit you or ask you about it again. I will have XYZ be avaliable as a back up in case you can not be reached." But then you really need to do this. Do not bother him about it, or even mention it, ever again. And additionally, find a responsible female friend, sister, mother, whomever you are comfortable with, and ask them to be your backup. If he is so unresponsive, this may be needed anyway. It will also give you a piece of mind to know XYZ person will be there if DH is not, and maybe also even if he is.

What is more worrying is his gaming, in which he ignores you. Also a good place to go to unconsciously hide from his responsibilities and deny your impending birthing. I would think about how his gaming will be after your baby is born, what kind of support and care you will need, and whether he will be able to fufil it. Please find someone who will support you.

[twogreencars]

Originally Posted by lexbeach

My wife is a grad. student, and just this week (I was 39 weeks Monday), I've finally gotten her to accept the fact that she needs to be reachable at all times. This means she needs to leave her cell phone on when she's in class, which bothers her for some reason (though I think everyone would be perfectly understanding if her phone rang in class because her wife was in labor!).

She also says stuff like, "well, you really can't go into labor on Thursday because I can't miss my statistics class. . . " And I just can't believe that it's more important to her to go to class than to get this ENORMOUS baby OUT OF ME!

My DH is EXACTLY the SAME!!!! He is a graduate student with classes every day (sometimes gone from 8am to 4pm) and often does not seem to answer his cell phone when I call - even on weekends! He says he didn't hear it ring. This is freaking me out as is his saying, I have an important lecture on Thursday that I can't miss...so no labour on Thursday."

I am now 40 weeks, 6 days - surely labour must be around the corner??? What I have asked him to do is keep the cell phone NOT in his trouser pocket, NOT on his belt - but in his shirt pocket. He says text message him on his phone - but if he doesn't check it - what's the point? He says email him - but what if he's not online or is driving to pick the kids up from school? I can't remember this happening when DS and DD were born - and he was much further away from home then (grad school is less than 15 min. away). However, both DS and DD were born on w/ends - at night - so it wasn't a problem! I have even gone so far as to think about calling the school and having someone find him and drag him out of class!

Anyway - I don't think this "forgetting to call" or "forgetting to have the phone on" is INTENTIONAL. It's just not as urgent feeling to them as it is to us. I've not heard of any partners MISSING a birth b/c they spaced out and didn't have their phone on...So - hopefully none of us will be the first!

Good luck with your partners - maybe just showing them this thread will help somewhat?

[Avani]

When my husband kept doing this same thing i let him know that i would find someone more reliable if he was going to be that way.It pissed him off but it didn't change his ways.So i let my midwife know it would probably be just the two of us.And you know what?It did pretty much end up that way and it was great!I actually had to deliver on my own because i waited to long to call my midwife but she was there for the afterparty I just realized that my husbands immaturity and unreliability did not need to affect me any longer.If he misses one of the most important days of our lives he will regret it later and maybe grow up enough to change his ways,i do not have to be apart of that.

[One Art]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this! I don't have this particular problem at the moment, but I have dealt with so much frustrating crap from dh through this entire pregnancy that i really sympathize with you! And as hard as it may be, a while back I realized that I couldn't make him do things or be a certain way, and that if all my asking wasn't leading anywhere that I just had to figure out how to deal on my own... it totally sucks, because you would think getting pregnant TOGETHER meant at least partial responsibility on a dh's (or dp's) part, but unfortuntately it doesn't seemt to work that way.... I was, as AllisonR suggested, seriously considering having another woman come be my labor support if things didn't get better with dh... they have since then, but I still have someone I will call if I need to....

[lilysmama1124]

Thank you all for the support to all of you. Each one of you mamas has given me good advice and support. It is nice to know that I am not alone, although I am sorry anyone else has to feel so frustrated with their partners. I keep going back and forth between being very upset and angry and trying to be as understanding as possible about what DH is going through. Ultimately I have three other woman planning to be there for me(my mom, sister, and doula) so if DH messes up and misses the birth I know I'll be fine and it is truely his and unfortunately our daughter's loss. I do worry about his gaming and how it will affect his parenting. I worry that if I leave her with him he will just sit her in her carrier and play games spacing out until she finally gets upset enough to cry. I have tried educating him about AP/babywearing/learning her cues but in the end I guess I have to accept that what kind of husband and father he is is not in my control. I am so grateful to have MDC because pregnancy has been so unexpectedly lonely for me, even with the support of my my family and friends. You are the only other mamas I have to talk to (other than my own), thanks you all so much!! Okay I'm tearing up, obviously a little emotional

[Helen White]

I've had problems with my husband remembering to take his phone with him when he leaves the house. He's finally getting better about it (now that I'm 41 weeks!!!), but it still really frustrates me. I have made a habit of hollering, "do you have your cel phone??" every time he goes to leave.

I also have to say, this resonates with me SO much:

Originally Posted by lexbeach

I think the end of pregnancy is a very lonely time in general. We're really the only ones who are thinking about our babies ALL day long, wondering when we'll go into labor, what the birth will be like, etc. Our partners just can't go there in their heads, and I have definitely shared your frustration.

I was trying to explain this exact thing to my husband today. I was crying, telling him I felt so alone, and he just didn't get it at all.