Would you babysit a child with issues?

[natashaccat]

Here's the saga...I occasionally babysit (for free) a child who comes from a family who is really struggling. Their older boy has asbergers (sp?) and neither parent (especially the dad) really gets GD. These parents mean well and they are kind and loving parents but they don't worktogether and their discipline style is totally ineffective. The whole family fights constantly and the childern hit each other and their parents.

Anyway, yesterday evening was a totally last straw for me I think. The dad dropped their 3 yo off w/o telling me that the child hadn't eaten dinner. He played really well for about a 1/2 hour and then kicked my dd because she was in his way. I removed him from the play space and told him that he could rejoin us when he was ready to ask for his turn politely. He got angry (understandably I suppose) and started calling my dd names. His mom showed up in the middle of it and explained that he hadn't eaten dinner and then proceeded to ask my advice on how she should handle this sort of situation (how about feed your child, duh? or at least tell me that he might be hungy so that I could feed him), meanwhile he walked away from her and went over and attacked my younger dd while looking at me and laughing. I feel like it was a clear retaliation - my mom's here-power play sort of response but also his way of manipulating his mom so that she'd stop chit-chating and take hime home and feed him.

The mom is a very dear friend, but this child's social skills seem to be deteriorating as he gets older and his visits aren't fun for him or for my dd. I'd like to help her out but it's like watching a train wreck and really agrivating for me.

Any thoughts? I'm fairly certain that I won't babysit for him again short of a family emergency, but I'm wondering if I should be honest with the mom as to why.

[abac]

I don't think you should babysit him again if it is unpleasant for you and your daughter (and this boy, also.) If the mother asks, I would tell her that you find it too hectic, or challenging, or some other appropriate word. I would be careful not to place any blame on her child. Just say you aren't up for it.

[LynnS6]

Having a child with an autism spectrum disorder (which is what this child has) is one of the most exhausting and heart wrenching kinds of parenting you can do. These children have real difficulty with social interaction and social concepts (even with their parents), they tend to perseverate on behaviors, they tend not to sleep well, and they often have sensory issues that can easily send them off the deep end for 'unexpected' reasons. We have cousins with a son with Aspberger's, and it's really really hard for them. They are VERY GD, and it's still hard.

I would babysit this child, as part of my ideals of community service.

However, I would also set some conditions on it.
1) I would only babysit him when two adults can be home. This child needs a 'shadow' to prevent him from lashing out at your kids or doing destructive things. You can't effectively do this if you are the only adult there.
2) I would ask the parents for details on how his whole day has gone, including what he's eaten, done, how's he's slept, etc.
3) I would ask the parents to join a support group for children with Aspberger's/Autism spectrum disorders or a parenting class so that they develop effective ways of dealing with his behaviors, and then ask them to share their insights with me so you could help.

Parents of special needs children are often very much in need of both social support and time to reconnect as a couple. I would read up on the disorder and babysit occassionally. I would not view it as a playdate, because it can't be for your kids. But it can be a way for you to make someone else's life easier. If your not in a position to do that right now, that's a legitimate reason to say no.

[nancyfore]

My son has Asperger's Syndrome and would have trouble with the aproach being used here. Autistic children do not have good social skills and cannot verbalize their feelings well. They also think in black and white. No sarcasm, no joking around, etc.

You cannot remove him from the situation until he verbally came to you to apologize or anything else. You have to give them a time or some thing tangible they can actually see themselves. You could remove him and tell him you will come get him in 2 min. Or tell him he can come out of where you put him after he counts to ten and calms down. He would be even more angry for you making him say something. It's not that they dont want to it's that they cant, and they know they cant, and they know they dont know how and that makes them feel even worse.

I would read every thing I could and talk to anyone I could and continue the contact with him. If he has a disfunctional family you are the only hope he has. Dont give up on him, try to understand where he comes from. My other children have learned so much patience and understanding dealing with their brother.

[embers]

Not to steal the thread, but I am going through something a bit similar... I AM getting paid, and I am not close with the family... the child is female and a bit older... there is no diagnosis that I know of, either... but the rest is exactly the same I have never in my life been so uncomfortable with/around a child, and we provide care for kids from low income families, children with previous abuse issues, special needs, etc - with total comfort and confidence. It is the child and it is the situation.. and it is the effect on my son and the other children So, now that I have hijacked your thread enough, I will do what I intended on doing; just letting you know that I identify with your post and I am watching the replies here to see how they may apply to me. It is so tough...

[natashaccat]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Having a child with an autism spectrum disorder (which is what this child has) is one of the most exhausting and heart wrenching kinds of parenting you can do. These children have real difficulty with social interaction and social concepts (even with their parents), they tend to perseverate on behaviors, they tend not to sleep well, and they often have sensory issues that can easily send them off the deep end for 'unexpected' reasons. We have cousins with a son with Aspberger's, and it's really really hard for them. They are VERY GD, and it's still hard.

I would babysit this child, as part of my ideals of community service.

However, I would also set some conditions on it.
1) I would only babysit him when two adults can be home. This child needs a 'shadow' to prevent him from lashing out at your kids or doing destructive things. You can't effectively do this if you are the only adult there.
2) I would ask the parents for details on how his whole day has gone, including what he's eaten, done, how's he's slept, etc.
3) I would ask the parents to join a support group for children with Aspberger's/Autism spectrum disorders or a parenting class so that they develop effective ways of dealing with his behaviors, and then ask them to share their insights with me so you could help.

Parents of special needs children are often very much in need of both social support and time to reconnect as a couple. I would read up on the disorder and babysit occassionally. I would not view it as a playdate, because it can't be for your kids. But it can be a way for you to make someone else's life easier. If your not in a position to do that right now, that's a legitimate reason to say no.

Just to clarify I'm babysitting the younger child, not their older boy with autism.

[Fuamami]

Well, I would. If they have a child with special needs, and they're having a tough time, you probably help them out a lot. And she is, as you say, a dear friend. Maybe you could try to come up with some activities before he got there that would keep him and your children a little more separated. And always be ready with a protein-rich snack?

[elsasmommy]

r

[natashaccat]

Originally Posted by natensarah

Well, I would. If they have a child with special needs, and they're having a tough time, you probably help them out a lot. And she is, as you say, a dear friend. Maybe you could try to come up with some activities before he got there that would keep him and your children a little more separated. And always be ready with a protein-rich snack?

yeah the more I think about the less angry I am. I just need to lower my expectations for his behavior. Duh, I suppose it really isn't reasonable to expect a child with a rough home life to be socially on track with his peers. What do ya'll think I should say to my dd about his behavior? She really doesn't understand her little friend's hurtful behavior.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by natashaccat

yeah the more I think about the less angry I am. I just need to lower my expectations for his behavior. Duh, I suppose it really isn't reasonable to expect a child with a rough home life to be socially on track with his peers. What do ya'll think I should say to my dd about his behavior? She really doesn't understand her little friend's hurtful behavior.

That's a tough one! You might try to give her some powerful words to use with him, like "Stop hitting me!" or you could talk about a special thing she could say to you if she was feeling afraid of him, and then you could separate them.

My nephew is kind of a problem child, though he and my dd really enjoy each other right now. But it used to be really tough to explain the things he did. We would talk about how he might have been feeling, and often about what he SHOULD have done instead. That seemed to make her feel better.

Good luck! They're lucky to have you in their lives!

[Pookietooth]

to you mama. It must be hard.

[mamaduck]

I think you should do what seems best for your kids. Now that my children are in school all day, I find myself better able to reach out to other people's troubled kids. But having your own children bear the brunt of his issues puts you in a tough spot. If it seems unfair to them, then I think it is reasonable to call a moritorium. You don't have to cut them off or anything, just take some space for a few months, kwim?

Another thing to consider -- if you feel resentful of this child, or if you are struggling too hard to make connections with him -- then it might be in *his* best interest to take a break. He deserves to be with caregivers who adore him.

Just two things to weigh in as you think about this. If neither are true, then by all means -- keep watching him!

[natashaccat]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Another thing to consider -- if you feel resentful of this child, or if you are struggling too hard to make connections with him -- then it might be in *his* best interest to take a break. He deserves to be with caregivers who adore him.

Just two things to weigh in as you think about this. If neither are true, then by all means -- keep watching him!

You know I am struggling to connect with this child, I want to enjoy him but since this is a once a week or less thing I don't really spend enough time with him to always understand where he is coming from. A few days ago his mom came over for tea and a little supervised playdate. It went pretty well until out of nowhere he ran over to my younger dd and hit her. It wasn't until after I left that it dawned on me that she's been staring at him and that he viewed this as agression on her part.

I'm really worried about the family, is it possible to have two children with Asbergers? The mom's been blaming herself and husband for not disciplining effectively and the social influence of the older brother and I suspect that it may be a little true but that staring thing with my dd was a clear social miss-cue. She was sending out obvious admiration vibes and he totally misread her.

Anyway, I do agree that children need to be cared for by folks who adore them but I think that most folks have a hard time adoring difficult children and it's hard for the family to find anyone to give them a little break. Is it enough that I adore the mom as a good friend and have tons respect for how how much she has to struggle to parent two high needs children?

[carolhagan]

First off, yes it is totally possibly to have two children on the autism spectrum (or three or four). Actually, if you have one child with autism you are more likely to have another that also has it.

Secondly, as a parent of a child with autism I want to thank you for at least trying to sit for this mother. It is very kind of you, parents of children with autism really do need a break and it is often times so hard to get.

Third, I think only you can decide if it is right to continue to sit for this family. I would, but I have been known to be overly nice to almost everyone.