Do you really feel "someone else is raising your children"?

[chkpea]

I hear this a lot as I am due to go back to work shortly. I do have to go back for financial reasons. I am just getting tired of people assuming that I have a choice. Anyhow, for those out there that are working, do you feel that your childcare provider is "raising your child"?

[mamajama]

My kids have been in daycare for about 2.5 yrs now. I am most certainly raising them .
My daycare providers are members of my community who help me make it possible to raise my children and live my life while providing stability, routine, and a decent quality of life for us all.
I provide the foundation and home-life from which my children bounce off and explore the world, and to which they return at the end of each day to nurture their core beliefs. It is from me that they receive their fundamental value system and their core concepts of what family means. From me they receive support, unconditional love, a strong sense of self-worth, and a guarantee that they will be treated with respect and guidance. From their daycare providers (who I chose with careful consideration) they receive the opportunity to establish relationships with other children and adults in the community. Relationships based on respect, education, and caring.

There are children who live in abusive homes and no amount of wonderful daycare will compensate for the damage this does to these children. If daycares 'raised' children, this would not be the case.

[siobhang]

It takes a village to raise a child. My "village" includes a young woman who lives in my home and takes care of my boys while dh and I work. It also includes my oldest's preschool teachers and the other sunday school teachers and the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends, etc..

Your village can include the teachers at the day care along with all the other people surrounding your child with love and guidance.

But you will ALWAYS be the mom. And your child's father will ALWAYS be the dad. You are the most important people in that village to your child. Period.

[Cardinal]

I guess I just wanted to add that I was put in daycare at 3 months old. I never felt "raised" by anyone but my mommy and daddy. I don't even remember the caregivers, though I was told by my dad recently that I was in daycare for many years... until school started. What matters is long term effect, IMHO. I don't think your children will ever feel that anyone replaces mom or dad/spouse/partner.

[mama2alexa]

I do think of my DCP as helping us raise our dd. She's a true partner (not an equal partner,) and plays an important role in dd's life. We discuss her development, discipline issues, dd's interests and cute things she says. We also discuss gd books and philosophies and our current parenting challenges.

[Zonie]

I think what matters is the time you spend with your kids. I see parents in the grocery store with tired dirty kids, and a tired cranky Mom, and they just need to get some shopping done. But it is 6:30 already. The rest of the evening must be exhausting, only to get up the next morning and do it again.

I think it is harder when they are older. There are sports and scouts, and recitals, once school starts it never seems to end. I think a parent can feel like they have given up the reins.

I like how Cardinal put it. She was in daycare for years and she doesn't even remember it.

That is kinda sad too. I want my kids to remember their providers. I want them to remember the freinds they made there.

But, no. I don't feel at all like the providers are raising your kids. I think they are adding something to their lives. I know a lot of pre-schoolers that love going to daycare. They miss their friends when they are not together.

[Twilight]

ITA with the "it takes a village" remark. My village has a day care center in it. DH and I, however, are the primary people involved in raising our daughter. We're the ones that have been consistent throughout the various rooms and teacher transitions. We provide her framework and her base.

I hate it when people suggest I'm "letting other people raise my child". NO. I'll admit we're getting help, but nobody can replace the job that we do.

[Tinas3muskateers]

Originally Posted by siobhang

It takes a village to raise a child. My "village" includes a young woman who lives in my home and takes care of my boys while dh and I work. It also includes my oldest's preschool teachers and the other sunday school teachers and the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends, etc..

Your village can include the teachers at the day care along with all the other people surrounding your child with love and guidance.

But you will ALWAYS be the mom. And your child's father will ALWAYS be the dad. You are the most important people in that village to your child. Period.

I totally agree with that statement that it takes a village to raise a child.
My youngest is in a Montessori Toddler program and his teacher is a wonderful person. I wouldnt leave him with anyone else. I am still his mother but she is helping me in my parenting journey with Isaiah and I couldnt ask for anyone better to do so.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Twilight

ITA with the "it takes a village" remark. My village has a day care center in it. DH and I, however, are the primary people involved in raising our daughter. We're the ones that have been consistent throughout the various rooms and teacher transitions. We provide her framework and her base.

I hate it when people suggest I'm "letting other people raise my child". NO. I'll admit we're getting help, but nobody can replace the job that we do.

: nak

[chlaal]

I agree with all the other comments and would add two more points:

a. Since you choose your daycare provider (dcp) and you are basically their boss, you are still in charge of how your child is raised -- the values that are taught, the way s/he is disciplined, and so forth. If your dcp were handling your child in a way that you totally disagreed with, presumably you would put a stop to it, either by asking them to change, or by changing dcps. So it is NOT the same as if your dcp were "raising" your child (which to me would imply that the dcp had autonomy to make all parenting decisions).

b. If your child is in daycare 40 hours a week, that leaves 128 hours of the week that s/he is with you. Even if daycare is 10 hrs/day - 50 hrs/week - that still leaves 118. Some will say "but most of that time you're sleeping" -- well I say, you are still parenting while you sleep. Especially if you cosleep, but even if not; if your child is up in the middle of the night scared or sick, who's there for him/her? You. Your dcp isn't on call all night, YOU are, and your child knows that.

My son was in daycare 36 hours/week (9/day, 4 days/week) from the age of 6 months to 3 years. He loved his daycare and teachers, but make no mistake, it is me to whom he's attached. When you see the way he greets his teachers at dropoff (happy to see them, but not like beside himself or anything ) vs. the way he greets me at pickup (a scream of "Mama!!!" and dropping everything to race over to hug me), there can be no doubt.

HTH!
-Joan

[chkpea]

I just want you to know that I know all this but it is so nice to hear all of your remarks...it is reaffirming

[KeanusMomma]

Yes...no...I don't know. You all had some very comforting points. I feel that way often, that dcp is raising ds, and I don't have enough to do with it. OTOH, it is true that ultimately I would make the desicions about how he is raised--either by telling dcp/making suggestions to her, or changing providers. So I guess my answer is that I know I am raising my child, but I feel like I am at more of a distance, and raising him more indirectly as a result of him being in daycare full time.

[1xmom]

Just adding my .02 -

Originally Posted by mamajama

I provide the foundation and home-life from which my children bounce off and explore the world, and to which they return at the end of each day to nurture their core beliefs. It is from me that they receive their fundamental value system and their core concepts of what family means. From me they receive support, unconditional love, a strong sense of self-worth, and a guarantee that they will be treated with respect and guidance. From their daycare providers (who I chose with careful consideration) they receive the opportunity to establish relationships with other children and adults in the community. Relationships based on respect, education, and caring.

: Couldn't have said it better myself.
My aunt watched my dd from 6 mos. to 2 years and shse vaguely remembers her. I think b/c she was so young, and we really only see my aunt once a year now, it would be hard for your child to remember their dcp unless they stay in their lives for a longer period of time. The dcp I have now we go visit every now and then, and she watched my dd anytime I need her, day or night.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by siobhang

It takes a village to raise a child. My "village" includes a young woman who lives in my home and takes care of my boys while dh and I work. It also includes my oldest's preschool teachers and the other sunday school teachers and the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends, etc..

Your village can include the teachers at the day care along with all the other people surrounding your child with love and guidance.

But you will ALWAYS be the mom. And your child's father will ALWAYS be the dad. You are the most important people in that village to your child. Period.

:

I've seen this from both sides, having stayed home with my son for the first few years, and now having our quality time at a premium, given my long hours during the week. I don't feel any less like I'm raising him now than I did when I was at home with him. But I've always felt like it's not just me raising him - it's everyone who has an ongoing influence in his life. For us, that's his grandparents, his uncles, family friends, and now his teacher and teaching assistant, his classmates, even, and their parents. My part of directing that influence was, as best as I could, choosing the village that I wanted him to have, so that its values would reflect mine as much as possible. And, regardless, I'm the core for him - the person who helps him process it all and stay centered, even though I don't see him for 10 hours out of the day.

[kelly]

Nope. The girls' great aunt and uncle watch them at home for 20 - 25 hours a week while dp and I are working. They are with at least one of us the rest of the time, and it is quite clear that they know who their parents are. Not to say that I don't wish I was home more with them (yes, independently wealthy and not having to work would be great), but we work with what we have in life.

Kelly

[proud mama of 2]

Nah, no one else is 'raising' my kids, it's just me. I do get help though. Believe me, if I could be a single Mom and a SAHM at the same time I would do it in a heartbeat. Since I have made the decision to go back to college to get my degree I am on my way to that outcome, hopefully. At this point my kids do go to daycare, an in-home daycare that is the only one either has ever gone too. My son started when he was 18 months old and he just turned 5 years old. My daughter who just turned 2 years old has been there since she was 5 months old, I had 5 months off after she was born (worked for my family) Although I had an ideal job working for family I wanted more for my kids and myself. I also wanted to show them that in spite of having a 'single Mom' that we would prevail, and we will. But for now I must have assistance in caring for them so that I can work towards my goal, and that is being a WOHM

[daytripper75]

Good gracious, No! My husband and I are raising our little one. There are certainly days that I am away from her more than I am with her but her babysitter doesn't make her appointments, wake up with her at night, buy her clothing, etc.
It makes me sad when people feel like they can use those words like a weapon.
Suzy

[elsasmommy]

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[PrettyBird]

Originally Posted by chkpea

I hear this a lot as I am due to go back to work shortly. I do have to go back for financial reasons. I am just getting tired of people assuming that I have a choice. Anyhow, for those out there that are working, do you feel that your childcare provider is "raising your child"?

This is inflammatory language aimed at women. Are working fathers not raising their children? Do people who use schools for their children raise them? I don't believe women caring for their children in a vacuum with no help from anyone is realistic or healthy. Even SAHM's often have some degree of help, whether it be family, neighbors, or a babysitter. Also, care providers are rarely, if ever, strangers.

[Zonie]

Originally Posted by PrettyBird

This is inflammatory language aimed at women. Are working fathers not raising their children? Do people who use schools for their children raise them? I don't believe women caring for their children in a vacuum with no help from anyone is realistic or healthy. Even SAHM's often have some degree of help, whether it be family, neighbors, or a babysitter. Also, care providers are rarely, if ever, strangers.

I think I am misunderstanding this post. Are you saying those that are telling her she should stay home are inflamitory, or that this post subject is inflamitory?

I beleive that some people... (usually the parents or inlaws) think that a family can live off of one income. But it isn't as easy anymore. My own mother told me that I needed to lower my living standards, because daycare was inconveniencing my husband. (she never explained) But, this same woman left to go to work every day of our lives, and from age FIVE on, we were left home alone. So, where she gets her ideas from baffles me.