Do you really feel "someone else is raising your children"? - Page 2

[PrettyBird]

Originally Posted by Zonie

I think I am misunderstanding this post. Are you saying those that are telling her she should stay home are inflamitory, or that this post subject is inflamitory?

I beleive that some people... (usually the parents or inlaws) think that a family can live off of one income. But it isn't as easy anymore. My own mother told me that I needed to lower my living standards, because daycare was inconveniencing my husband. (she never explained) But, this same woman left to go to work every day of our lives, and from age FIVE on, we were left home alone. So, where she gets her ideas from baffles me.

I mean when people say she is having "strangers raise her children" their language is inflammatory.

[Zonie]

Originally Posted by PrettyBird

I mean when people say she is having "strangers raise her children" their language is inflammatory.

Ah, Thats what I thought. But, thanks.

[kewb]

Originally Posted by siobhang

It takes a village to raise a child. My "village" includes a young woman who lives in my home and takes care of my boys while dh and I work. It also includes my oldest's preschool teachers and the other sunday school teachers and the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends, etc..

Your village can include the teachers at the day care along with all the other people surrounding your child with love and guidance.

But you will ALWAYS be the mom. And your child's father will ALWAYS be the dad. You are the most important people in that village to your child. Period.

My thoughts exactly. I have had people say I let strangers raise my babies and it is hurtful language designed to get an emotional response. My oldest is 8. I have learned how to ignore toxic comments like those for the most part and have found that when you call the initiator on their behavior they tend to stumble.

[UrbanEarthMom]

Originally Posted by PrettyBird

I mean when people say she is having "strangers raise her children" their language is inflammatory.

I'm sick of all the judgement and critique that women have go through as well - it's such a double standard and I hate double standards.

Comments that have been directed towards me:

My sister (like you) are having immigrants "raise their children"

You work because you don't want to lose your identity

I stayed home - we decided to sacrafice financially

etc etc etc blah blah blah - Has my husband ever been the recipient of these type of comments - of course not!

I have never doubted for a minute that my husband and I are raising our son - attachment parenting had really helped me in this regard.

[dentmom3]

Originally Posted by kewb

My thoughts exactly. I have had people say I let strangers raise my babies and it is hurtful language designed to get an emotional response. My oldest is 8. I have learned how to ignore toxic comments like those for the most part and have found that when you call the initiator on their behavior they tend to stumble.

My oldest is 4 and I am trying really hard to get to the place you are at!!! I think I am there, so I am armed and waiting for someone to try to put me down so I can call them out on it. Naturally, now that I am ready it won't happen...

[Ellien C]

When Fathers work, no one accuses someone else of raising their children.

When children go to school, their parents still raise them, yes?

{Have we covered that point yet, I'm cruisin' through pretty fast - adding my pearls of wisdom (or not)}

[momfirst]

I have worked with children (in child care) for many, many, many years and I have always HATED when someone suggested that I was raising my clients children! I have always worked closely with the parents to make sure that we are doing our best to keep things similar (for the ease and comfort of the children) and I have always been asked my opinion on various child rearing issues...but in the end, the parents have the final say and the most influence on the child. I assist parents...I do not take over their role...and I absolutely do NOT raise other peoples children! There is a huge difference between caring for a child and 'raising' a child! Hopefully the caregiver and parents work hand in hand...in the best interest of the child...that way everyone wins!

[RubyWild]

If by "raise" you mean the definition of "bringing to maturity or self-sufficiency through nurturing care," then, yes I am raising my daughter, as are those adults with whom I entrust her care and nurturing. Technically, yes, others are helping me to raise her. For this, I am thankful.

Honestly, if I hadn't been home with my dd the first 5 years, I would have felt that someone else was raising her during such a critical period. I also know that there are homeschoolers who feel this way about all of childhood.

For me, the question is not who is "raising" my child but rather how well she is being nutured, the bonds she has with her family, and the bonds she shares with the community members who are fostering her growth at school.

I'm thankful to have so many adults who love and care for my daughter. I'm glad that I can trust these people and that she is thriving and being taught art by an artist, guitar by a musician, reading by older peers and a Montessori guide and so much more. I'm extremely grateful for the wonderful nurturing she receives inside and outside of her family.

[RubyWild]

Dear coworker...

oops.

[_betsy_]

Since DH has her 75% of the time I'm at work and MIL has her the other 25% of the time, I'm fine with the people who are helping to raise my child - they are the same people who would be helping to raise her even if I wasn't working. And yet, although I just started back to work last week, I've already gotten that comment. Twice.

[DreamsInDigital]

My care provider is a dear friend I met from here and she is definitely a partner in raising my children, but she is not raising them and neither is my DP who cares for them the other part of the time I am working and they are not in care. We are all raising them together and we all work together to take really good care of them. Honestly, I count my blessings every day that I have such an awesome AP care provider to go with my awesome AP DP. We all agree on how to treat children and it's awesome.

[littlest birds]

Other people are raising your children --also and if they are people you can trust and feel good with I think that is absolutely fabulous. Any child that spend eight hours or so of their day with a caregiver or a schoolteacher is definitely being raised in part by that person/those people. The parent is not being replaced, but the "raising" is divided up more.

The problem is that it is loaded terminology. What is wrong with other people having a hand in raising your children? There is nothing inherently wrong with that.

I still work, but I have drastically cut my hours and responsibilities to split shifts with dh because I was not able to trust my support system. They--the teachers and caregivers-- raise my children also. They are VERY influential, and the fact I saw they were raising my children with me insured that I was asking the right questions about the way they were doing so and taking the answers seriously when I used them to make my decisions. Nothing terrible was happening, but I generally could not trust the decisions and choices they were making to stay within a range that I could accept.

[mamajama]

So, for those who say that yes, childcare providers/teachers etc. are raising your kids, do you say you were raised by your parents? Or by your parents, and Mrs.Stone from kindergarten, Mr.Irving from grade one, Nataly the babysitter, Ms. connoly from gr. two...? Cause that would be a long list

[bri276]

childcare providers are (hopefully) more emotionally attached and invested in your child's future than the average grade school teachers. I have been a dcp off and on for over 10 yrs and think I fostered a much closer connection with many of the children (caring for them while they were sick, changing diapers, knowing their personalities inside and out) than any schoolteacher I ever had. "helping raise" is much more accurate.

[littlest birds]

Originally Posted by mamajama

So, for those who say that yes, childcare providers/teachers etc. are raising your kids, do you say you were raised by your parents? Or by your parents, and Mrs.Stone from kindergarten, Mr.Irving from grade one, Nataly the babysitter, Ms. connoly from gr. two...? Cause that would be a long list

Hmm, you have a point. I think I personally felt that it was a group "school culture" more than each individual when it came to school. Not every baysitter, but a person who spend 6-10 hours a day 5 days a week with a child for several year is about as directly involved in many ways as the parent (though for a shorter term). It is true--and it makes some of us uncomfortable--whether we are now at home with our children or use caregivers extensively.



I think the implication when it is said that someone else is raising your children is that it is "instead of" the parent--or rather the mother. The mother is no longer raising, is abandoning, her own children to a stranger. It is completely inappropriate for anyone to judge another parent's choice to use other caregivers with such comments.

Some parents do feel that having others take a major role in raising their children is a loss of something essential to their family and to parenting. That loss can be too great, and avoiding it can inspire extreme sacrifices to the family's financial security.

I felt that the school's staff were invading and altering our family drastically, and changing deeply the ways we were able to parent around that influence. I do feel that raising my children is my "territory" in which they did not belong, but were interfering in.

People have different comfort levels. A parent who stays home full time with their children should not feel they are superior to other parents who do not. They should not have the idea that they are making a "noble sacrifice" for their children in order to do what is right. It always amazes me how willing so many are to decide that what is right for themselves is right for others and to judge everyone around them in those terms.

[RubyWild]

Originally Posted by mamajama

So, for those who say that yes, childcare providers/teachers etc. are raising your kids, do you say you were raised by your parents? Or by your parents, and Mrs.Stone from kindergarten, Mr.Irving from grade one, Nataly the babysitter, Ms. connoly from gr. two...? Cause that would be a long list

"Raised" isn't a word I would normally use; normally I say "parented," and that I would reserve as a word for my parents and my older sister. I don't know, though, it just really doesn't come up one way or the other. I sometimes talk about "when I was growing up."

I think the main thing is that our society is very confused about what it means to rear a child. We have some ideal that only immediate family will rear our children and have gotten away from the idea of a village raising our children because, frankly, we don't trust the village anymore--and for good reason, in many cases. If you're comfortable with the "village" in which your child is growing, that's what is important.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by mamajama

So, for those who say that yes, childcare providers/teachers etc. are raising your kids, do you say you were raised by your parents? Or by your parents, and Mrs.Stone from kindergarten, Mr.Irving from grade one, Nataly the babysitter, Ms. connoly from gr. two...? Cause that would be a long list

I don't remember ever actually talking about it that way. I do share stories from my childhood sometimes, and in doing so it's pretty obvious that many other people have had a hand in helping me to become the person I have. That's a good thing, IMO.

It's true that the word "raise" is loaded in this context. I really prefer not to use it for that reason. But I also try to shirk it, in general, because it feels like it conveys the impression that children are only the product of what the people around them bestow upon them.

[mamajama]

I dunno, maybe it's because I'm a single mom. I would *never* say that my kids' daycare or school is raising them. In any context. I'm the one that struggles every day to keep a roof over their heads, to impart core values, take them to the doctor, the dentist, inspire them to read and write, take care what movies they see, buy their clothes, feed them, tuck them in at night, help them if they have nightmares, make sure they eat breakfast, deal with their dad, keep them safe, etc. etc. Of course I could not do all of this without some help and support from the community. But I seek out the resources, I make sure they get to school/daycare every day and that these places are appropriate for them.

I'm all about the village. Without it we could not survive. On paper I have guardianship and custody and in practice I am their mother. They would not be devastated for life if one of their daycare teachers moved on to a new job. They would be devastated if I did. Their daycare teachers do not lie in bed at night planning for the future based on my kids' needs--I do. I plan their birthday parties, I plan my life according to what our little family needs for now and for the future. I make every decision for their lives right now while they're young--what classes/activities they will go to, who their doctor will be, where they will go to school. I buy their clothes, I nursed them, I gave birth to them. They belong to the world, but it is my responsibility to see to it that they are taken care of and raised well.

I'm not underplaying the vital role that teachers play in my kids' lives. Of course not. But without them, I would still be raising my kids.

[Benji'sMom]

: Okay, I guess I'm going to get flamed but the question is about what do WE (DH and I) feel about our own kids, so here goes: My DH stays home because we did both work at one time, and yes we felt that other people were raising our son.

This is when DS1 was a baby and DS2 was not born. And what I mean by "rasing our son" is that other people got the majority of our son's time and attention.They also got to make all decisions in his day-to-day life.

I'd often not see him AT ALL for several days at a time because he'd go to bed so early during that time period. So we (and I mean DH and I, because I hold fathers to the same standard as mothers) had no imput in his life, other people made every possible choice for him that you can think of. What he ate, if he ate at all, when he slept, if he slept at all (because my mother watched him sometimes and she's kind of crazy : and most days would not let him take a nap). So we had no influence over him at all. Anything and everything was left up to others, except for 2 days a week. We didn't want to be 2-days-a-week parents so we knew one of us had to stay home and the other work (which makes child raising a team effort between the 2 of us without other people being involved).

Plus we just don't believe that it takes a village. Or more accurately, there just is no village. Care providers were just our employees. Sometimes it was family, but most of the time we were paying someone to be a babysitter. There was nothing more to it than that.

And I have to say that as soon as we got him away from other care providers, his temperment improved dramtically for the better. Once he was being raised the way we wanted him to be, he was obviously happier.

And one more thing, Do I feel like I was I raised by my school since I spent 8 hours a day there for 13 years? Yes I do think I was raised by my school. They influenced me a lot more than my parents could ever realize, in ways that my parents did not want, and would probably be really mad about if they knew. Just basic core beliefs that you think the parents would have the right to decide, but really it was the school and school teachers who were teaching us what to believe. They also decided what we ate, when we ate, when we slept (for younger grades), what we learned, when, and how, anything and everything was up to the school, not my parents.

So anyway, that's our personal experience.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Benji's Mom--Your situation sounds pretty unique, I don't know any parents in real life who work, that go days without seeing their child AT ALL.

I'm with Mamajama. As usual.