Do you really feel "someone else is raising your children"? - Page 4

[little-g]

But a lot of people ARE invested in "raising" a child to be this, that or the other thing. You hear it all the time. "I am raising my child to believe/be X." You hear parents who are totally identity-invested in the identities of their children. You hear parents who are totally identity-invested in their parenting choices to the exclusion of anything else, who need to cast those who choose differently in the role of the "wrong and bad other".. and in my experience, THOSE are the people who are going to fight the mommy wars, no matter which "side" they weigh in on. And a wohm can be just as guilty of this as a sahm. A daycare user can be just as guilty of it as a non daycare user. THOSE are the people who have a need to tell others they are "letting strangers raise their children."

asherah - I absolutely agree with you! You are dead on. I have often wondered about the psychology of people who get too involved in the mummy wars. I wonder if there has been any kind of psychological profiling on them or something! I also wonder wht kind of crutch they used for their identity issues before they became parents.

The concept of 'someone else raising your children' is so loaded because it implies they are raising them for you, not with you. Of course, the idea that parents (mothers) have to be the only ones raising their children 24/7 is a pretty modern one, and an ideological construct, nothing natural. Humans have always shared the task of childrearing communally.

nannyrachel - again, i agree completely with this.

And further, as a feminist, I would take exception to someone dictating to me how to live my role as a woman, parent and mother. This includes how I choose to birth, feed, discipline, school, and medicate.

But more than anything else, if someone told me someone else was raising my DD because she was in childcare, i'd probably just dismiss them as a bit stoooopid. Like this 'columnist':

http://blogs.theaustralian.news.com....st_preference/

[kewb]

Originally Posted by little-g

But more than anything else, if someone told me someone else was raising my DD because she was in childcare, i'd probably just dismiss them as a bit stoooopid. Like this 'columnist':

http://blogs.theaustralian.news.com....st_preference/

Ewww.

[moonfirefaery]

I used to be a SAHM, and I believed daycare was letting someone else raise your child. Now I am a WAHM--doing home daycare...and I feel differently.

I do think that your daycare provider helps take care of your child and does contribute to your child's identity, but by no means do I feel that they are raising your child. You are the one making the parenting choices, such as diet, vax/no vax, circ/no circ, bf/ff, spanking/gd, etc. You are the one chosing a DCP, usually one with ideals similar to yours. No matter what I think or say, it won't make my clients properly use the carseat, stop spanking, wait until a year to give cow milk, homeschool, etc.

I still agree with the logic that you never know exactly what goes on when your child is in another person's care, but even if the person is not caring for your child in the way you truly want, you are still the one raising the child up. I used to think DCP at least helped raise the child, but I don't now. They do help shape the child, keep the child fed and clean, and provide other kinds of care, but I think there's a lot more involved with 'raising' the child than that.

You do miss out on some things when your kid is in daycare. I have witnessed a lot of cute, precious, adorable moments that the parents did not, and I have witnessed a few firsts as well. You can't get those minutes back. I think that is people have the attitude that using daycare means you're missing your kid's childhood, but it is mistaken. Yes, you do miss some things, but that's just part of life. You could miss them if you were shopping, or had your back turned momentarily doing dishes, or if your kid was at school and did something neat, etc.

They aren't raising your kids; they are caring for them and having the pleasure (or stress) of their prescense during the time that they are in their charge. I think 'raising' is absolutely the wrong word to describe a DCP contribution to a child's welfare.

[siobhang]

Originally Posted by little-g

But more than anything else, if someone told me someone else was raising my DD because she was in childcare, i'd probably just dismiss them as a bit stoooopid. Like this 'columnist':

http://blogs.theaustralian.news.com....st_preference/

I think it is a bit telling that the pol in question gets $67K a year (australian) for the rest of her life.

Heck, if I had guarenteed income like that, there are loads of ways I would spend my time (travel, volunteer, do more hanging out and getting someone else to do my laundry) that I can't do now.

[moonfirefaery]

:

[little-g]

Yes, 67k a year is certainly better than a poke in the eye!

But more than anything, I thought this piece was a perfect summary of all of the ridiculous fallacies we have all head time and time again. I work, therefore my 'child isn't precious to me'! How embarrassing for her to have written this.

I can only summise that being paid to be a D-Grade opinion writer in a conservative broadsheet doesn't actually count as being a working mum.

[mamajama]

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by little-g

I can only summise that being paid to be a D-Grade opinion writer in a conservative broadsheet doesn't actually count as being a working mum.

: good point!

[bdoody11]

I couldn't read the whole thread, but thank you mamas who have posted.

I'm pregnant with my first at 29 weeks. I'm taking 12 week maternity leave, followed by 4 months of part-time work, then full-time in the fall.

Your words of encouragement about daycare really helped me see that I can still be a great mother and work at the same time. Heck, my mom did it- so can I!

Thanks!

[intorainbowz]

I just wanted to thank everyone for what they have posted. Even though I HAVE to work until DH graduates and gets a job, I have incredible guilt that I work.

I and DH raise Sydney. She is not DCP's daughter. I determine so much about DD's life, input which DCP does not get. I nurse and nurture DD all night.

DCP helps, but she does not raise Sydney. DCP makes Sydney's life more full, as she is teaching Syd Spanish, a language I wish I spoke but do not.

Thing is, those words "stranger raising your child" hurt and wound. Especially when DRLAURA happens to be on your radio when the car starts, or when SAHM's say unkind things, or when this is talked about at church.

I want to stay home, but cannot. Even when I can, I just might stay here. DD is attached to me and DH. She knows we are her parents. When I pick her up, she demands to nurse. When I drop her off, she demands a bottle.

I did turn this around to someone who did the stranger thing.... When DD was in the NICU, were they raising her?

[mamajama]

Wendy. Don't listen to Dr.Laura.

[little-g]

I dont know who the heck this Dr Laura is, but if she feels comfortable and qualified to make blanket statements about all women, all fathers, all mothers, all children, all family situations at all times and in all places, then I would suggest that:

a) she is delusional
b) she is not very analytical
c) that she is very sheltered and has a very monocultural outlook
d) that she is incapable of empathetic opinion
e) that she is extremely insensitive.
d) all of the above.



Never forget this - no-one knows as well as you how well you raise your children. Ignore all others. And as I always say, "stuff 'em!!!"

[intorainbowz]

I know no more Dr Laura She comes on after a talk radio program I do listen to, and then YIKES, guilt city.

She states that if your children are in day care, you are abusing them. She wonders why people have children they are not going to raise. She says all moms should stay home, no matter the $ consequences, etc, etc, etc. She does not even have a medical degree, her PhD is in Physiology. Oh, if you are fat you are lazy, and she is pro RIC.

Even without Dr. Laura, I was raised by a SAHM, who was miserable a lot. Still I always pictured I would be a SAHM, and will admit that while the life I am leading now is wonderful and fullfulling, I still sometimes wish my dream life was there. Thing is, I learned from infertility that getting your dream, ie pregnancy, is not all its cracked up to be. I never dreamed of a high risk, IUGR, nausea filled, pain filled (sciatica) bedrest, early delivery by c/s, and nicu stay. I imagined the jolly happy pregnancy, easy bradley birth with doula, instant and easy breast feeding, YKWIM. It is hard to let the "dream" go, for now.

[Quagmire]

asherah, I think I love you.

[little-g]

Hi intorainbowz,

I think giving this Dr Laura character the swerve would be a very healthy thing to do!! I know what you mean though about the best laid plans. What's that saying? Something about the way to make God laugh is to tell him/her your plans...!! So true. I had those issues with my breastfeeding saga and believe me, the anguish I put myself through on-line about how terrible i was before I wised up and put all those negative people well and truly behind me. People love to repeat that mantra "no-one can make you feel guilty without your permission" and I always thought, "yeah but, they sure as hell can p*ss you off for trying!!"

Being a working mum doesn't make you a bad mum just as much as being a SAHM doesn't make you a good mum. Being a good parent hinges on so much more than your employment status. Don't let it get to you - be strong and know you are a great mum, The very fact you think about this so much is so telling.

People like Dr Laura have forged a career from being sensasionalist. She needs to say these outrageous things - they are her bread and butter. How horrible for her to make a living out of hurtful and and poisonous, ill-conceived preaching.

What a wonderful support you are for you DH and his studies and therefore your future life together as a family. It's great! Be proud!!!!

bdoody11 - i hope your positivity stays with you always!!

[wednesday]

The thing about the "someone else raising your children" remark is that I always seem to hear it from people who are not in what I would consider a good place themselves. The SAHMs I know who have really high family incomes seem to realize that they are really blessed and fortunate and never say anything suggesting that they are better mothers than WOHMs. But I have known a few SAHMs who were kind of struggling, and it seems like they have to remind themselves day in and day out that their "sacrifice" is somehow the more noble choice. I find it to be a pretty ridiculous and ignorant thing to say.

I also get really annoyed with the suggestion that children in care spend "all day" with their DCPs and only an hour or so with parents. It doesn't really work that way. Check this math on a typical day for my son:

6:30 - 8:45 With parents (2.25)
8:45 - 11:45 Pre-school (3)
11:45 - 12:30 Lunchtime (.75)
12:30 - 2:45 Naptime (2.25)
2:45 - 5:30 Aftercare (2.75)
5:30 - 9:30 With parents (4)

The math breaks down to 6.25 waking hours with parents versus 6.5 waking hours in child care. And DS often stays up later or wakes up earlier, so that split is not fixed at all. Clearly the time spent with care providers is nowhere near the 9 or 10 hours vs 1 or 2 with parents that people seem to like to believe. DS takes a looong nap at school and then stays up relatively late with us. I think some moms who stay home and then have their kids in bed by 7:30 don't realize that kids in care typically take long afternoon naps and then stay up later. Add in weekends, and breaks in the pre-school schedule (a total of about 6 weeks per year) plus our own family vacations...and it's clear that we the parents spend a LOT more time with our child than the DCPs do.

[siobhang]

in addition, our kids sleep in our bed so you cannot discount the hours between 9:30 - 6:30 (or 8:30 - 7:30 in our house).

Even kids who don't sleep in the same bed, it sure ain't the DCP who is up at 4am feeding a baby or mopping up vomit or trying to soothe a nightmare away.

I get rather disgruntled that some folks feel they are able to judge my parenthood based solely on who cares for my children between the hours of 9am and 5pm, monday through friday.

[choli]

Originally Posted by blessed

Amazing. I'm embarrassed for her. And saddened. She apparently has no clue about where life finds real meaning.

Or she finds real meaning in life in a different place than you find it.

Either way it was an incredibly rude thing to say.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by wednesday

I also get really annoyed with the suggestion that children in care spend "all day" with their DCPs and only an hour or so with parents. It doesn't really work that way. Check this math on a typical day for my son:

6:30 - 8:45 With parents (2.25)
8:45 - 11:45 Pre-school (3)
11:45 - 12:30 Lunchtime (.75)
12:30 - 2:45 Naptime (2.25)
2:45 - 5:30 Aftercare (2.75)
5:30 - 9:30 With parents (4)

The math breaks down to 6.25 waking hours with parents versus 6.5 waking hours in child care. And DS often stays up later or wakes up earlier, so that split is not fixed at all. Clearly the time spent with care providers is nowhere near the 9 or 10 hours vs 1 or 2 with parents that people seem to like to believe. DS takes a looong nap at school and then stays up relatively late with us. I think some moms who stay home and then have their kids in bed by 7:30 don't realize that kids in care typically take long afternoon naps and then stay up later. Add in weekends, and breaks in the pre-school schedule (a total of about 6 weeks per year) plus our own family vacations...and it's clear that we the parents spend a LOT more time with our child than the DCPs do.

I was going to say add in the weekends, breaks off from daycare/school and the times that they are sick - but you already mentioned that.

Plus the fact that you are mom and you carried them for 9 mos and nurtured them since birth. Nothing else can compare to that, nothing. I don't care if a child attends daycare 10-12 hrs per day - it's still not MOM or DAD, with the exception of very rich people who hire round the clock nannies, now that I do not agree with but that's a whole other thread.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by intorainbowz

She states that if your children are in day care, you are abusing them. She wonders why people have children they are not going to raise.

I can't stand that comment. : I've heard it soooo many times over the last 12 years since I had my first child. Like anyone would purposely say "oh gee, I think I'll have a child so I can let someone else raise it in daycare." It just sounds so stupid to me when someone uses that type of comment in regards to putting down DC. IMO, a good parent is a parent that is taking care of their children in every way possible - financially, emotionally, physically and whatever other way there is.

There are many BAD parents out there that have children every day that are indeed SAHM on welfare and many other bad situations that abuse children (I'm in no way say all welfare recipients abuse their kids). I just don't get why real moms get such a bad wrap for doing the best they can for their families. Unless a child is being abused in some way or treated very badly by their parents then who cares what the parents are doing as far as working or not working.