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Do you really feel "someone else is raising your children"? - Page 5

post #81 of 88
Thread Starter 
I can't believe that this thread has generated this much response! I have read each of the posts. They have given me confidence, reassurance and knowledge. Thank you so much for taking the time to put down your thoughts. They have really helped me as I prepare myself and my family of my transition back to work and daycare.
post #82 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatsuzygirl View Post
Good gracious, No! My husband and I are raising our little one. There are certainly days that I am away from her more than I am with her but her babysitter doesn't make her appointments, wake up with her at night, buy her clothing, etc.
Only read the first page so far.

I've been a nanny (11 hours a day for almost five years), a SAHM (for a decade), and now I work outside the home part time. So I feel like I can speak from all sides.

To answer the OP's question, it depends on the parents. Sometimes, yes, the childcare provider is raising the child.

When I was a nanny, I got there before he woke up, fed him breakfast, lunch and dinner. I bought all his clothes and toys (with their credit card). Took him for his first hair cut, to get Santa photos, to his first movie in the theater - Lion King. Planned and executed all his birthday parties. Scheduled and took him to all pediatrician appointments, and to the hospital for tests when they thought he might have e coli. Chose the clothes, made the portrait appointments, took him to them, chose the photos to print, etc. Wrote up ideas for his birthday and Xmas gifts, then actually SHOPPED for them on their credit card. When he got hurt on his 3rd birthday party, he ran past his mom's open arms and straight to me. He had to be pried off my leg when I left each night, but waved goodbye to his mom when she left in the morning, as we sang the "My mommy comes back, she always comes back" song. Researched all preschools in the area, spoke to the teachers on the phone, went to open houses to see them. Went to mommy and me swim classes, gymnastics classes, etc.

Do I think I raised him from six months old to five? Yep.

But I don't think that is always or even usually the case.

I stayed home full time with dd1 and dd2 until they each went to kindergarten, and dd3 until she was three. The oldest two kids never saw a daycare. My dd3 is in an inhome daycare every afternoon for four hours. I think it is great; the daycare lady is very loving and fun and does a great job. I don't think she is raising my child - but she is helping me raise her for those four hours each day.

I think if the parents are involved and attentive and loving - whether they work outside the house or not - then they are raising their child.

But I think it is a really great thing for a kid to be attached and loved by their childcare provider! I am not jealous of my dd3's love for Miss Julie; I think she is pretty great too! It is GOOD for my kid to have that relationship. Do I think it supercedes my position as her mom? No. But it is a great thing for dd3.
post #83 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quagmire View Post
asherah, I think I love you.
post #84 of 88
I completely agree with the "it takes a village" mentality. I like that my child has other positive influences in his life besides myself and DH. he is thriving in DC/Pre-school and I am a better mommy b/c I WOH part time.
post #85 of 88
I just read through the posts since my last one and wanted to add something.

In defense of Dr Laura's talkshow, she has helped many self-centered people refocus on the needs of their children. I think that is very important - whether those people work in an office, work at home, or pretend to be a stay-at-home parent while spending all day on the couch watching soap operas and neglecting their kids. We bring our children into the world without their input, so it's up to us to make decisions that sometimes cramp our style in order to do what's best for our kids.

I think there are plenty of people who work that are still very good mothers, as I said before. But I live in what is probably the richest district of our city and see families completely neglecting their kids to live a lifestyle that is not in the best interest of their children. They drive Hummers and Beemers, have maids, cater their parties, and take very expensive vacations. But they are never, ever home with their kids. They throw money at their children in hopes of asuaging their guilt. And, in turn, far too many of the kids use that money to get themselves in trouble. The public high school in this area has a serious drug problem. The kids have the money to buy it and no parents around to notice. When parents like these no longer have enough balance in their lives to realize that their kids need them to be an active part in their life, something has gone seriously wrong.

If a talkshow host can make any of those parents feel guilty enough about their self-centered choices that are hurting their kids, then more power to the host. I've worked in a national daycare and would never, ever put my kids in one. It was a terrible environment with workers who didn't put any effort into interacting with the kids in their care. I quit after a month. But I also had a friend who ran a daycare out of her home, and those children thrived. They were happy to arrive and happy to see their parents come at the end of the day. The parents who left their children in her care had taken the time to find a good environment, and it was a very worthwhile investment in the best interest of their kids.

There are no absolutes, and whether we are a good parent has to do with our willingness to put our kids first - no matter what our vocation in life happens to be.

But I hate to see Dr Laura trashed because of her stance on putting kids first. In honesty, I think that is the goal that each of us have, isn't it?
post #86 of 88
Do I think that Dr. Laura has done good helping people refocus on thier children? Yes I do.

I believe we were not discussing her "focus on children". I believe we were discussing her blanket statement that moms who work are abusing their children, and that all moms should be stay at home moms. We were also talking about her statements about "why do people have children if they are not going to raise them?"

Those are the statements that I find inflamatory and hurtful. I do not believe someone else is raising DD, DH and I raise her. I do not believe she is being abused because I work. If I did not work we would be homeless and hungry, and I find that to be more abusive than to be in a inhome day care for 8.5 hours a day.
post #87 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by abqmom View Post
I think there are plenty of people who work that are still very good mothers, as I said before. But I live in what is probably the richest district of our city and see families completely neglecting their kids to live a lifestyle that is not in the best interest of their children. They drive Hummers and Beemers, have maids, cater their parties, and take very expensive vacations. But they are never, ever home with their kids. They throw money at their children in hopes of asuaging their guilt. And, in turn, far too many of the kids use that money to get themselves in trouble. The public high school in this area has a serious drug problem. The kids have the money to buy it and no parents around to notice. When parents like these no longer have enough balance in their lives to realize that their kids need them to be an active part in their life, something has gone seriously wrong.

And I see plenty of families like this with so-called sahms, who let the nannies watch the kids while they go to the mall all day. The picture you draw is about values, not about the decision to work or not, or to use daycare or not. Though, of course, this description is also a straw-man stereotype. And it frankly strikes me as just more mommy-war rhetoric.

I don't give a rat's butt about Dr. Laura one way or another, I find her voice divisive and irrelevant, so I am not going to go there.

But I think that ultimately, it is more helpful to talk about our OWN choices and values, to turn the discussion INWARD and go from there, rather than pointing the finger at "others," especially in such a generalized, stereotyped way, to use as fodder for argument.
post #88 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by abqmom View Post
I live in what is probably the richest district of our city and see families completely neglecting their kids to live a lifestyle that is not in the best interest of their children...
I see this a lot in my community.

Dh and I are both working professionals. But we work tremendously hard at negotiating our lifestyles to include and accomodate dd at every possible moment, and have both made significant sacrifices in our careers so that we can devote more time and energy to parenting. Dd is truly the focus of our world.

With some of our friends, it's almost like their kids are an appendage or an adjunct to their lives, and that their careers are paramount. And I don't just mean in terms of time or energies spent. It's like their kids aren't in their minds as much. They aren't thinking about parenting, talking about parenting, focusing on parenting. They aren't interested in conversations about their kids. We want to plan family outings that are enriching for dd and they want to have someone watch their child so they can do other things. Their minds are just in a different place.

For me it's effortless to focus on dd - it's what I'm interested in and what I want to do. So I don't know what it's like for folks who don't feel that way. I suppose they must compel themselves to spend time with their kids, the way I have to compel myself to clean the bathroom or put in extra time at work.

It seems very sad for everyone.
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