How much freedom?

[EmsMom]

I am an unschooling, basically non-coercive type mom. My dd is finally getting her own room and I was going to paint some flowers all along the bottom edge. I choose a pretty spring green for the walls and sky blue for the ceiling and upper wall. I am not an artist but I can paint some fun goofy flowers. I thought that this would be something nice to do for her and it would be fun for me to do it for her. The problem is my husband told her that it was a project for my dd and I to do together. So now I feel like she would be dissapointed if she didn't help me and of course, it is going to be her room. However, she really loves to mix all colors of paint together and generally makes a mud color paint. When she paints on paper or draws she just follows her muse and keeps going, scribbling out what isn't to her liking. She has a really intense focus on what she is drawing and she thinks she is a really, really great draw-er and painter. Most of what she draws is, well, can I say a little abstract? Once, we made a really pretty doll quilt top together and then when I was nursing the baby she decided to improve it by cutting off the corners. It was her project that I was helping with, so I felt badly when I reacted. She never drew a picture until she was seven. Now she really loves drawing. I am so afraid of this project now it has taken all of the joy out of it for me. My husband is kind of critical and we don't get along or agree about most things and he is going to flip if there are big splotches of mud colored paint all over the walls that took him months to paint (he is a perfectionist and it really was about two months to get it right for him). I just don't think I can conquer my own inner critic and avoid creating one for my dd. And I know that my dd has such an intense vision of what things should be and when she gets ahold of that giant canvas (a whole wall!!!) she will no longer listen to anything that I say. I feel that I shouldn't assume that, but that is how we are. I feel so, so stuck and I have no idea what to do. My husband thinks that I should be able tell her to only paint in "my outlines" but that is not the way I paint or parent. If this was my house, I would actually let her go, but it is his house (we have agreed to buy another house for me in about 5 years when we save up enough money to do so because we do not get along anymore). I had visions of a piece of me being in that room for her but now it is just a big mess. Please, please give me some advice. If I just let her go to town in the closet, would I be absolutely horrible????

[OTMomma]

It sounds like a very delicate situation. How old is your dd now?

If you felt your dd could follow directions, I would make a choice to use painters tape to give her a small area of her own to do (that could later go behind something like a dresser or bed if needed) and then only give her one color of paint at a time. If you really feel she won't be able to follow directions at all, and that you and your dh will be extreemly unhappy with the result, I think your idea of letting her do the inside of the closet is a good one. I remember as a child playing in my closet at times, and would have thought it was cool to have it painted differently in there.

[isabel rose]

could you get some canvases for her to paint & hang on the wall instead of painting the actual wall -iykwim?

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by isabel rose

could you get some canvases for her to paint & hang on the wall instead of painting the actual wall -iykwim?

That's what I was going to suggest. Or maybe there is something out there that is essentially removable wallpaper border that could be painted/decorated and then added to the walls. Another possibility is only having 3 colors that blend well, like blue/green/yellow, or pink/orange/yellow. That way the worse case scenario is green or orange, not mud.

[EmsMom]

Gee, I felt so much better after I spilled it all out here! When I told my dd (8) that I was really having trouble with letting go of the project, she was fine with painting the inside of the closet! It is so silly to have so much of this baggage, and I am trying so hard to get rid of it! I mostly really, really want to avoid sticking on to my kids, kwim?

[OTMomma]

Its funny, the weridest things as a parent can be hard. You are a good mom for thinking this through and figuring out something you can all live with!

[EmsMom]

Originally Posted by OTMomma

Its funny, the weridest things as a parent can be hard. You are a good mom for thinking this through and figuring out something you can all live with!

Thank you! Gee, do you think our kids will ever know what we put ourselves through? : Well, maybe when they become parents themselves. I am just starting to understand my mother, who I thought for years just didn't love me, but instead was just completely, totally inhibited creatively, emotionally and physically by parents who probably felt exactly the same way!!!! I am determined to create a different family saga for the next seven generations!

[OTMomma]

[mamabain]

i did the same thing. my daughter painted her closet (tried to, we had to finish it) purple. then for her 5th birthday party we had all her friends over to paint a mural. it is a mess! the 2 year olds got a hold of the paint and embellished all of the other children's artwork. YIKES! i just think of it as a wall and we can always paint over it when she is tired of it. of course, there are more issues for you since your partner doesnt' agree and is a perfectionist.

glad you figured it out!

[thedevinemissm]

It sounds like you already to came to a compromise with the closet.

Just as another thought though...

Perhaps she could help you with making "the plan" on paper. Picking where she wants flowers, what color they are, how high certain colors should go, etc. Then you could do the actual wall creation ~ but it is still HER concept. KWIM???

As for DH ~ IT'S PAINT!!!! That's the point. It goes on, it gets covered up, new paint goes on. Sometimes our hubby's can be so silly!!!!

I know what you mean about "letting go" and making sure we don't impose our issues on our kiddos. Want to really get dizzy??? ...think about what "issues" you are creating by trying NOT to give her issues!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Sounds like you have a good solution for this time. Thoughts for next time would include using stencils rather than a paintbrush. And have a little talk with your hubby about making promises in your name!