Should I let him whine?

[AntoninBeGonin]

I really, really hate the sound of whining. Oh, it grates upon my nerves! So it would just figure that Ds (26 months) is a world-class whiner. He has two modes: insta-whine, in which he starts whining and clinging and crying at the same time he first makes a request. For example, he'll come to me and ask for boobies-eeees-ahhhh-wahhhh---scream--cry--gasp-choke! The strange thing is, he always gets them.

Then there is the slow-whine which is where he'll request something (that I'm never in a position to get right that second), I'll say 'yes', and he'll say the same thing 100 x a second getting more and more upset. I've decided to only answer once and then ignore him but sometimes it's hard since I really do detest whining. So, after all this, my (very simple) question is, how should I handle his whining? I'm not happy with my present method which is saying things like "Don't whine. I can't stand it. You'll get your _____ in just a moment."

I'm going to Xpost in Toddlers.

Thanks!
~Nay

[rmzbm]

Tell ya what...my 4 yr. old DD is the WHINE QUEEN, when she starts, I start, too! "Wah, wah...*fake cry* why won't Madison talk so I can understand her, please, she's meannnn, uggh, whyyyyyy..." etc... She laughs hysterically! Hey, whatever works, LOL...your kid might get a kick out of it, mine does!
Good luck!

[BoobyJuice]

When my eldest was that age I finally had to use "Mommy already answered you once. If I have to answer you again, the answer will be no. When I am done doing x I will get it for you." We had to have gentle reminders for a while but it does work. He's 6 now and we still have to occassionally say, "I've already answered you. If you keep asking, what is going to happen to the answer?"

[Mariposa]

gonna be watching this thread. my 4yo is a total whiner. doesn't matter that it doesn't get her what she wants, she still whines and cries about everything. yikes.

Originally Posted by BoobyJuice

When my eldest was that age I finally had to use "Mommy already answered you once. If I have to answer you again, the answer will be no. When I am done doing x I will get it for you." We had to have gentle reminders for a while but it does work. He's 6 now and we still have to occassionally say, "I've already answered you. If you keep asking, what is going to happen to the answer?"

i saw one of your tshirts on a mama at a homeschool group here, i LOVE it! i am getting one myself someday. it was the why do they call it homeschool if we are never home one. awesome!

[SillyMommy]

I tell him I can't understand him when he's whining and ask him to try again...

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by SillyMommy

I tell him I can't understand him when he's whining and ask him to try again...

hmmmm...

i like

Thanks for the ideas, y'all!
~Nay

[joesmom]

Originally Posted by SillyMommy

I tell him I can't understand him when he's whining and ask him to try again...

Yeah, that is what I did, too. I would act like I seriously COULDN'T understand him. Now, he knows if he whines I will not grant his request. It does not happen often anymore.

[Roar]

Also I'd suggest giving a positive label of the voice you'd rather hear - at our house we use "strong voice". Sometime when the child isn't whining...you can role play a bit and practice the difference between a whiny voice and a strong voice because some kids really don't automatically hear the difference.

[Think of Winter]

I've been wondering about this, too. Right now my mindset is that a whiny voice, while unpleasant, is an expression of how my ds is feeling. I'm hesitant to try to control this affect. I've been trying to affirm his feeling instead, as in "I can hear that you're upset. I'm sorry XXX happened, but I will try to help you as soon as I can." I'm very interested to know how other parents are handling this. Asking ds to use a different voice, or to be quiet, doesn't seem respectful of his feelings to me. I'd rather work with him on ways to feel better rather than ways to seem like he's feeling better. Does this make sense to anyone? We've been having a really hard time lately, and I'm not trusting my instincts much.

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by colleen95

I've been wondering about this, too. Right now my mindset is that a whiny voice, while unpleasant, is an expression of how my ds is feeling. I'm hesitant to try to control this affect. I've been trying to affirm his feeling instead, as in "I can hear that you're upset. I'm sorry XXX happened, but I will try to help you as soon as I can." I'm very interested to know how other parents are handling this. Asking ds to use a different voice, or to be quiet, doesn't seem respectful of his feelings to me. I'd rather work with him on ways to feel better rather than ways to seem like he's feeling better. Does this make sense to anyone? We've been having a really hard time lately, and I'm not trusting my instincts much.

deep down that's how i feel too i'll try it and post what happens

~nay nak

[aja-belly]

Originally Posted by colleen95

I've been wondering about this, too. Right now my mindset is that a whiny voice, while unpleasant, is an expression of how my ds is feeling. I'm hesitant to try to control this affect. I've been trying to affirm his feeling instead, as in "I can hear that you're upset. I'm sorry XXX happened, but I will try to help you as soon as I can." I'm very interested to know how other parents are handling this. Asking ds to use a different voice, or to be quiet, doesn't seem respectful of his feelings to me. I'd rather work with him on ways to feel better rather than ways to seem like he's feeling better. Does this make sense to anyone? We've been having a really hard time lately, and I'm not trusting my instincts much.

we approach it not as making act like he feels better, but communicating to him that asking nicely is a better way to make other people feel like helping you. "you want milk? i understand. i like it when you use a nice voice 'mama, could i have some milk?' can you try it?"

[mamajama]

I don't like it when people pretend not to undestand because that feels dishonest. I just ask my kids to speak to me politely and to be assertive and then model it for them. Instead of "I wannnnaaaa glasss of miiiiiilk" say "mom, can you please get me a glass of milk?". It's simple for us this way and there are no power struggles. I also can do the short cut and ask them to use a strong voice. I do remind them periodically what 'being assertive' means so they don't just hear the 'strong voice' message and forget the reason why it's important.

[octobermom]

Well short of duct tape I can't really stop the whinning (and even then..) : but I still don't "allow it" I tell her point blank she needs to ask me in a calm voice cause whinning hurts my ears. We also work on reconnecting and eliminating triggers in her enviroment.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by mamajama

I don't like it when people pretend not to undestand because that feels dishonest. I just ask my kids to speak to me politely and to be assertive and then model it for them. Instead of "I wannnnaaaa glasss of miiiiiilk" say "mom, can you please get me a glass of milk?". It's simple for us this way and there are no power struggles. I also can do the short cut and ask them to use a strong voice. I do remind them periodically what 'being assertive' means so they don't just hear the 'strong voice' message and forget the reason why it's important.

I agree with this. My dd does whine quite often, but she kind of has a naturally whiny voice, so I try not to make a big deal out of it. I rephrase things for her, if she's really tired or hungry I let it go, and if I think she's feeling fine but just whining for whining's sake, I protest a little more vigorously.

Since your ds is only 26 months, it's probably really, really hard for him to wait for things. He's probably also not that aware that his voice is whining. Also, I believe you just had a new baby? So he's probably having to wait a lot more than he did a few months ago. I'd try to help him be very aware of his voice being whiny, when he whines, kindly discuss it with him, making your voice whiny, making your voice strong, etc. Make a game out of it, even. Another thing that might help is giving him something to do to help him wait. My dd used to scream at me, then 1 second later scream again like I'd totally abandoned her. She's quite a bit older, but I taught her to count to ten if I wasn't in the room with her before she called me again. It helps, somewhat.

[BoobyJuice]

Originally Posted by colleen95

Right now my mindset is that a whiny voice, while unpleasant, is an expression of how my ds is feeling. I'm hesitant to try to control this affect. I've been trying to affirm his feeling instead, as in "I can hear that you're upset. I'm sorry XXX happened, but I will try to help you as soon as I can."

I guess to clarify (so I don't sound like a big meany) my son does not whine when he is upset. It is almost always when he wants something. And thinking about it, my issue isn't so much with the whining as the nagging. What we used to get is, "I waaaant some apple juice." "OK, I'll get it for you when I'm done doing this." "I waaaaant some apple juuiicce. Apple juuuuiiiiiccccce. Apppplllle juuuuuuuiiiiiiiiccccccccce." Before you can walk from cupboard to fridge he would have asked 8 times - even though you said yes - with increasing whine (like that would make you move faster). That's why we dealt with it how we did.

*Now return to your regularly scheduled discussion*

[DQMama]

Originally Posted by colleen95

I'd rather work with him on ways to feel better rather than ways to seem like he's feeling better. Does this make sense to anyone? We've been having a really hard time lately, and I'm not trusting my instincts much.

This makes a lot of sense to me. We have been having a hard time too. The reason is my fault: Sometimes it is easier for me to force him to stop whining (by pretending I can't understand, or by refusing to get whatever he wants until he stops), than to get to the root of his feelings.

This happens when I am tired or out of patience, which is more frequent lately since dd is teething and biting, dh isn't helping much around the house, and I have had several important deadlines for work (I WAH). But these are own my problems to deal with, not ds'. I need to be more patient, stop taking it out on ds, and things will get easier.

If I really search for why he's whining, I can usually figure it out. For example, if I'm nursing dd and smiling/cooing at her, I will sometimes see ds out of the corner of my eye, playing on the floor but looking at me longingly, like, "I wish I was still a little baby so I could lie in your arms like that." A few minutes later he will whine for milk. Having seen what happened, I will ask if he wants me to hold him while he drinks his milk. He usually says yes happily. But maybe 1,000 things are going on and I didn't catch his jealous look (or whatever the circumstance was) and I think he is just whining to be whining. I would guess there's a reason 99% of the time, usually being tired or jealous. I can't imagine why he would whine for no reason.

Thank you for reminding me to try to get to the root of the problem rather than take the easy way out. The women on this board have such wonderful patience

[Roar]

Originally Posted by colleen95

I've been wondering about this, too. Right now my mindset is that a whiny voice, while unpleasant, is an expression of how my ds is feeling. I'm hesitant to try to control this affect. I've been trying to affirm his feeling instead, as in "I can hear that you're upset. I'm sorry XXX happened, but I will try to help you as soon as I can." I'm very interested to know how other parents are handling this. Asking ds to use a different voice, or to be quiet, doesn't seem respectful of his feelings to me. I'd rather work with him on ways to feel better rather than ways to seem like he's feeling better. Does this make sense to anyone? We've been having a really hard time lately, and I'm not trusting my instincts much.

How old is he?

I agree that it seems unkind to pretend not to understand when you do. I think though it is fine to set a limit on what you will do and what you don't. I make it a life practice not to do stuff because someone is hitting me or ranting at me.

I would put more focus on teaching - the difference between the way different voices sound, ways to express what you are feeling, ways to calm down, etc. than on telling the child to stop.

That all said, I've been around kids who are eight, nine, ten years old who whine, whine, whine and it isn't pleasant and parents who reinforced this behavior and failed to teach alternatives weren't doing their kids any favors. That isn't to say a two year old needs to stop this minute, but that I've seen parents who are so fearful of stopping any form of expression or providing guidance about how expression affects other people that they raise a kid that other people don't want to be around.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by mamajama

I don't like it when people pretend not to undestand because that feels dishonest.

I agree totally with that.
And while I agree with colleen95 to an extent, I am also one who just gets pushed to my last nerve by whining. lol Though I do get that if you get to the BOTTOM of WHY dc is whining, then you wouldn't have to deal with it anyways. Hmmm...something to think about there.
But, ds whines for things (like the OP's son) that he wants, and he's going to get. Even if I'm going to get it for him right away. And it seems to me that I need to be honest with him how I feel about it. But then really, if I really really thought about it, I might change how I felt about whining. hmmm...food for thought.

What I do, is tell him that simply asking for what he wants will get it just as quickly as whining, and I prefer for him to not whine. (I know that whining is "asking for what he wants" but he seems to know what I mean. and I don't really know how else to say it. I don't want to tell him to ask nicely, or politely, or whatever.) It's more of an informational thing. I get what he wants regardless of how he responds back.

[debm]

Originally Posted by SillyMommy

I tell him I can't understand him when he's whining and ask him to try again...

I do that a lot too. I also use humor all the time to cut the whining. I make jokes or act silly to reengage DS without the whine.