i cannot STAND the way my kid's papa parents! (long)

[revolucionaria]

my children's (one is 2, one on the way and he has a 6yo who comes on random weekends when daddy visits) father, who is my husband, but who does not live with us, has a parenting style (if you can call it parenting) that i absolutely cannot tolerate. he basically parents to the extent that he can without disrupting what he was already doing. for example, if he wants to watch a movie (totally inappropriate ones for my 2 yo, like kung-fu or something) then he does, and our daughter can basically be composing a symphony and he would never notice. i don't have a tv, he brings dvds to watch on my computer (nice way to spend a visit, eh?), and my daughter generally does not seem interested in these movies but i still am not okay with all the violence as background music to her playing.

here's what happened yesterday. i had a prenatal massage to go to and had to leave. i asked him to please distract her for 30 seconds while i drove off (she doesn't mind my being gone, but watching me go is hard for her). but he was too busy raking leaves to even pick her up and whisk her into the backyard for a minute. she basically stood in the driveway with her brother, absolutely freaking out. he says "oh it doesn't make any difference bc she will cry anyway" but he is literally the ONLY person she cries to be left with including grandma, aunties, family friends and people who she sees a lot less often. he just does not care enough about her to help her have a smooth transition, in my opinion.

just a second ago i asked him to put her down for a nap (he is visiting this weekend). i am a wah mama and i take a break when ever i can bc other than these weekends, i literally have NO help with the parenting. so i pass her off to him and she goes into hysterics (my sister, other friends, can get her to sleep relatively easily). i listen to her wailing while he yells "stop crying!" to her over and over again. now granted, i say "stop crying" or "stop whining" often enough, but only when it is being done for attention and not to express a legitimate emotion (ie I WANT MY MAMA!!!). so, heartbroken listening to him demand that she stop expressing fear and sadness, i run back in and now she is sleeping on my arm (which is also asleep) while i type this.

okay, i know this is long but here is a little back story. i moved away in august after realizing (over the course of a few years) that i was unfullfilled, not getting any help and that our relationship was generally having a negative effect on me in terms of unneeded stress and constantly being made to feel like i was doing things wrong (when you do EVERYTHING i suppose there is a higher chance that some of it will be wrong, eh?). i have been happily running a home business and feeling great, growing a new baby (that one was a surprise, needless to say...) and managing an entire home myself. i had been doing all the work myself anyway, so the demands are the same but without all the bullsh*t from him. i have been happy to have my space from him, but am not totally sold on or committed to the idea of divorce, so for now i am just enjoying my life and hoping for good visits when he is here.

usually, the visits are pretty good. my daughter absolutely LOVES her daddy when he is not here. she asks for him, loves his pictures, talks about him, cires when i say he is at work, and generally makes me feel guilty for not living with him (obviously not intentionally). but when he is here she doesn't really want to be left alone with him, at least when i am around. i think it is different when i am gone, though.

i don't even know what i am asking for, advise, someone to vent to? this is just really hard. he said just now when i pointed out that she only cries for him, that my bad vibes have her acting that way towards him. but i know that isn't true bc then why would she (and i) bother begging him to come every weekend? i realize that i have children with this man and i am just going to have to deal with the fact that he does things differently than me (he is of the "boys don't cry", "you are making them too soft" variety). but how can i combat this? i cannot keep them from their father? especially when she expresses the need to see him...

sorry so long, i look forward to your info, sisters...

[Bippity]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. Sounds like a lot of stress yet. Obviously, some of it you will just have to let go of since we can't change anybody but ourselves. But, that's also the good part... if he is living elsewhere, it's YOUR home that he is being invited into. While there he needs to learn how to respect your rules. I know this will take time-sounds like this separation is very new? But, if he has so little respect for you that you say no nasty DVD's and he still brings them, then you ask him to leave and visit with his children elsewhere. Be brave mama, you can do this! You have a right to control what happens in your home - whether you own it, or are just living there during a separation. If he moved out, he loses rights to control what happens inside. It's not the same as when you were living together anymore.

[oliversmum2000]

wow - you are in a difficukt situation,

my initial thoughts would be to continue to parent like you are the only parent when he is there as relying on him to get involved seems to be causing your child distress.

[Blue Dragonfly]

you might want to cross post this in the single parenting forum.

And hugs mama - one of the things I realised about separating from my H is that ironically, our communication needs to be better now than it was when we were married.

[IlluminatedAttic]

This reply may be unpopularly blunt, but your post reminded me of one of those tear-jerking country songs, "Shut Up and Drive". There's a line in there that says, "you'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be." When I read your message it seemed to me that neither you nor your daughter actually want or miss the man himself, just the idea of him. You seem proud of your accomplishments as a single entity. You wrote only negative about what he brings to your life. And yet you "beg" him to visit? Perhaps you need to ask yourself "why?" or "why bother?".

You mention that you are a WAHM and that his visits are the "only" break that you get from parenting. I know that pregnancy can be exhausting and I am not regretting you the help, but you did also mention your dd being comfortable when left with "grandma, aunties, family friends and people who she sees a lot less often" and that "my sister, other friends, can get her to sleep relatively easily". As a WAHM myself with a 16 month-old I can count on one hand the times that ds has been put down for a nap by my dh, and never by anyone else. I have also never had anyone else to leave him with. We have no family nearby and because we have moved twice since ds's birth no close friends nearby either. Since dh works 60+ hours a week, even though he is a great dad, there isn't much chance for me to have solitary time. Again, I'm not complaining or throwing stones at you, I just wanted to suggest that if you stand back and look at the situation you might realize that you have a lot more parenting help than you thought.

Your daughter probably acts so stressed about and by him because she is so disconnected with him and spends their time together in a constant state of anxiety about his leaving again. I would imagine that the fact that he doesn't have the motivation or ability to work at reconnecting with her must leave her with heightened fears about her other parent leaving as well. If her truly is a disconnected and as you say, her asking for him and looking at his picture is probably as much or more about her fear of losing you, and her wish for a Daddy like she is "supposed" to have, than it is about him specifically. I doubt that your pushing them both to be together is going to change any of these feelings, not without some sort of outside intervention or change.

I'm not advocating any particular action here, just giving your some points to ponder. I hope the situation improves one way or another for all of your sakes.

[*clementine*]

Wow ZFooFoo.......
You're hardcore.
You should get paid for this!
Come do me next!!!!

[revolucionaria]

yes yes, lots of good comments here. i certainly agree that it is the IDEA of him that i can't let go of. this has been an issue from the beginning, and why it was so hard to leave him in teh first place (and everyone who has acted as my impromtu therapist would agree, too), but i guess what i need to find a non harmful way to allow my daughter to connect with him. maybe we can visit him in boston for the day or something, and not have these long weekends.

zfoo, in terms of having lots of support, that is quite an overstatement. the examples of others getting my daughter to sleep or her having less anxiety with them then her daddy, those are mostly visiting relatives, nobody local by any means. i was just giving an example to reflect how she is not one to have a ton of anxiety around not being with me. my sister is 2 hours away and most of my friends have children of their own, so when it comes down to support on a regular basis i feel like that does not, and cannot, happen. ah, single motherhood.

for example, i am 30 weeks preg and have been insatiably hungry all day long for weeks. i have been having a hard time finding practical things at the grocery store (i wander around and get the SAME thing), am uninspired by my cupboards and have not been eating as well as i should be (or did with my daughter). i have told friends about this, but no one is really in the position (or hasn't figured out) to invite me over for dinner or bring me a meal or go to the store with me or anything that i would consider support...

another long one, sorry...