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MIL wants to hold the baby within minutes of birth - Page 2

post #21 of 99
YOu are the mother, she is the grandmother. She had her chance to be the mama. You are not being unreasonable. I wouldnt call her till afterwards
post #22 of 99
Don't call her (or anyone else) until some time after the baby has arrived then you will have your time with the baby without interruption.

Keri
post #23 of 99
My guess would be that she missed out on holding her baby(ies) immediately after their births and she is trying to get that back. But, no matter, this is your baby and your turn. It is your right to hold your baby as long as you want to. There will be plenty of time for her to hold the baby later.
post #24 of 99
No you are not unreasonable, she is. I had a scheduled c-section and my rule was that no one got to hold the baby before me (other than DH and medical personel). I didn't even want MIL and SFIL to be there but the stupid hospital staff let them in and they were in the room when I got out of surgery and was puking my guts out. I got to hold DD first, but MIL got more time with her in her first hour of life. I still resent her for this.
Don't let her, this is your baby, to hold it is your reward for carrying the baby for nine months and going through the hard work of labor. Not to mention bonding issues.
post #25 of 99
Thread Starter 
With our first child we didn't even tell MIL that I was in labor, we didn't call her until after the baby was born for this very reason. She's just the type who tries to take over, is extremely baby-crazy and to top it all off she annoys me with all her mainstream advice (she's pro-circ, anti-bf'ing etc)

Unfortunately it's not an option this time because we have a three year old and MIL is the only person we know who can watch her while I'm in the hospital. I'm already having a hard time dealing with the idea of being seperated from my dd, we've never spent the night apart, I want to at least know she's with a family member and I want her to be there asap to see the baby once I'm in recovery.

I asked my husband and he agrees with me, she didn't even ask "can I hold the baby within minutes..?" it was an expectation, almost a demand. I was just so surprised by it that I didn't even know what to say. The idea seemed really odd to me, to pass this baby around like a football within minutes of his birth. I'm telling the nurses to delay newborn procedures until after we've had a chance to bond and even then do them in my presence so why make an exception for my MIL?

Thanks for reassuring me to listen to my instincts mamas! I think I'll let her know in advance so I don't have to deal with explaining it after the baby is born.
post #26 of 99
A big part of why I chose natural childbirth, with care by midwives, was so I could be as alert as possible during that crucual bonding period. My MWs delay all exams by 2 hours and just leave you alone with your family during that time, unless you ask them for help with breastfeeding, etc.

That said, if for some reason I *can't* hold her in my arms right after birth, somebody better be snuggling with my baby. DP and/or my mom would be my preference. (But my mother would never *insist* on holding her; she's just not pushy like that.) I would be horrified at the thought that DD just sat in a baby warmer to preserve my right at first dibs on holding her. I'd want her to have whatever nurturing human contact was available.
post #27 of 99
I agree that you will have to be very clear and firm with your boundaries around this one.

I don't say this in defense of all of the MIL's and mothers who try to push their way into these precious, sacred moments with our babies - BUT let's remember that we are so aware of how important those early bonding moments are because it didn't happen for so long and we have learned from that. Depending on your age, most of our mothers did not have that opportunity. They were knocked out to give birth and didn't hold their own babies soon after birth. That mama-need was never met for them. I do not for a moment think that it is our responsibility to heal that for them by letting them intrude on our mama-baby first moments - but it always helps me to remember this dynamic when my MIL is driving me crazy about new baby time. She had four children and didn't have that with any of them.
post #28 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeThinkinMama View Post
Unfortunately it's not an option this time because we have a three year old and MIL is the only person we know who can watch her while I'm in the hospital. I'm already having a hard time dealing with the idea of being seperated from my dd, we've never spent the night apart, I want to at least know she's with a family member and I want her to be there asap to see the baby once I'm in recovery.

Thanks for reassuring me to listen to my instincts mamas! I think I'll let her know in advance so I don't have to deal with explaining it after the baby is born.
It sounds like MIL will be at home with your daughter and not at the hospital whilst you are birthing, no? How does she plan on caring for your daughter yet rushing to the hospital within seconds of your birth?

If I were you (and I have been there) I would appeal to your husband to deal with his mother. You should not have to worry over this during your pregnancy. You should also not have to confront her. That is your husband's job. Have him deal with her ASAP so you can move on and enjoy this time without worry.
post #29 of 99
it does sound like a boundary issue. my mom was very respectful of our need to bond as a family. she was there for the birth and gazed at dd(2) but didn't even think to ask to hold her. she held dd maye 1-2hrs after birth. my hubby took dd(1) for me...I was so weak...I held her for a bit but hubby took her until my arms stopped shaking.

my mil tried to take my dd(1) AWAY from me once and it was after a hug fall that dd took...I walked away from her. *sheesh* it still bothers me to this day.

I don't mind pass around the baby once baby is older...and as long as everyone has washed their hands
post #30 of 99
I think I would forget to call as well. No one saw me (us)but my hubbie and my midwife during this intensely personal time.
post #31 of 99
The only thing I can add to this is:

If you don't call your MIL right away - do NOT tell her "Oh, I forgot!" She'll probably spend the rest of her life telling your dd that "Mommy forgot all about you when you stayed with me while she had the new baby...."
post #32 of 99
there is no way i would have my mil there i hated having my own mom there i told her not to come but she did anyways and would not shut up about the elk that ran into her truck on the way down
post #33 of 99
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancta View Post
The only thing I can add to this is:

If you don't call your MIL right away - do NOT tell her "Oh, I forgot!" She'll probably spend the rest of her life telling your dd that "Mommy forgot all about you when you stayed with me while she had the new baby...."
That's just the kind of thing I can imagine her saying
post #34 of 99
When I first read the title to your post I thought to myself "when I'm a grandma I will want to hold the baby within minutes of it being born too." I was thinking about how for woman it's such an ancient thing and that our blood rushes to be near it.
Then I realized you actually meant WITHIN MINUTES of giving birth.
What the hell.
I guess I expect people to be reasonable....when I hear within minutes I think that means when the mom is done, the dad is done, and she's invited lol.
HOLY COW.
Is she mad?
post #35 of 99
I had a similar situation when my mother invited herself to my first home birth. She is very intimidating and to this day (at 53!!!) I cannot confront her. But she surprised me by being extremely respectful and sensitive. So that could happen in your case. You never know!

I definitely agree with all who said to set boundaries. However, speaking as a true wimp, that is easier said than done, especially right after giving birth when you are so vulnerable on so many levels. You do need to enlist the help of Baby's daddy but especially your healthcare providers. They should definitely run interference for you, and they don't have any loaded family issues to deal with afterward. While I wouldn't encourage actively lying, simply saying "the doctor won't allow it until at least....(fill in the blank, one hour after, two hours after, whatever)" might just work, especially with someone very mainstream.

Good luck!
post #36 of 99
It could very well be detrimental to your newborn infant to be held by ANYONE but you, not only in the minutes after birth but in the first WEEK. You are not being unreasonable. I let my MIL and grandma hold Henri for a few minutes when he was about 3 days old- but it was only for a few minutes. But a newborn baby that is moments old needs to be in the arms of its mother, and no one else. Tell your MIL to take a hike.
post #37 of 99
Considering the kind of relationship dh and I have with our parents, I'm aiming for being the kind of mom that my daughter WANTS to have present when she has her kids. Who calls for me because she knows I will be helpful and appropriate. If the call comes before, during, or 2 days after, all the same...so long as she WANTS me there and isn't just putting up with me out of a fear of abandonment. :
post #38 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillkuster View Post
When I first read the title to your post I thought to myself "when I'm a grandma I will want to hold the baby within minutes of it being born too." I was thinking about how for woman it's such an ancient thing and that our blood rushes to be near it.
Then I realized you actually meant WITHIN MINUTES of giving birth.
What the hell.
I guess I expect people to be reasonable....when I hear within minutes I think that means when the mom is done, the dad is done, and she's invited lol.
HOLY COW.
Is she mad?
I cant imagine feeling that way, after having my own bad experience. Even when we adopted, I felt like his birthmother was entitled to holding him and feeding him.
post #39 of 99
What is up with MILs?? I swear, someday when I'm a MIL, I'm going to be the most cheerful, supportive, laid-back, boundary-respecting grandma ever. Even if it kills me.
post #40 of 99
MIL wanted to do the samething when DD was born, DH and I thought she was crazy, WE didn't allow anyone to hod DD for 2 days after the birth, except my mom she was the only one besides DH and I, that make her go furious, but DH didn't care.
That's why we're homebirthing this time, MIL will not now about it, I hope
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