Is this normal?

[ValarieR]

I didn't know where to ask this, so I am sorry if there is a better place

Earlier this year I was doula for a friend- she had planned a hb with a mw, but chose to go to the hospital when her OB (insurance co said she must have one) said she had strep-B and had to go there.

All along she said she wanted everything as natural as possible... until the induction... I told her that once she submitted to an ind. her chances of staying off of the intervention coaster were nil... even so, she went ahead because she was "tired of being pg."

Cut to 27 hours later- doc broke her water after she told him it was not okay (he did it during a ve without telling her). She was bullied into an epi (they asked me to leave and did it while she was alone and scared). She had continuous monitoring, no standing time, no food or drink... and the icing on this cake? She couldn't hold her NB DD b/c she was shaking so badly from the epi!!!!!!

Now, if you ask her about her birth, she'll tell you it was great- and that she was a fool for ever considering natural. I said something about squatting for delivery, and she said "you can't do anything other than lay down... people who think you can are crazy..."

Is it common for women to go into denial after their agency is taken away? Have any of you dealt with this? I never know what to say to her when she brings it up- I want to tell her she's silly, but I know that when people deny as a coping mech, they NEED it to work...

Any thoughts? Sorry for the length

~Valarie~

[mamaverdi]

Yes. Very common. Shockingly common. Depressingly common. Sadly, all too common.

[umami_mommy]

when you are totally terrified, anything less than death seems great.

[HomeBirthMommy]

When I had my first, I had tons of interventions and for a while I thought, "whew, I'm so glad I was there since so much went wrong and they could take care of me". I wasn't thrilled with the experience, but I accepted it until a dear friend very gently suggested to me (about 6 months later) that maybe I had so many interventions b/c I started out with one (unnecessary induction at 40w 5d). At first I defended all of the interventions, but after I thought about it I realized my friend WAS right. It was the snowball effect and I didn't "get" it.
I am so thankful for that friend who started me really thinking about the birth and changed my entire way of thinking for future births. The next two children were homebirths and they were fantastic.
Be there for your friend, she may need to process this much later and you will be an excellent support person for her.

BTW-was this birth at a hospital on the North Side? Just curious...

[heathenmom]

Originally Posted by HomeBirthMommy

BTW-was this birth at a hospital on the North Side? Just curious...

I was lurking on this thread but this caught my eye. That's where MY DD's intervention-filled birth happened. I knew as soon as we walked in that we'd made a mistake not planning a homebirth, but at that point felt it was too late to change my mind.

[georgannemomof6]

All too common! LOL! I even bragged on *my* hosptal birth ( I *did* delver w/out drugs, but had AROM, and was "coached" on pushing, lying down, etc)...Until I began reading homebirth stories, and actually experienced my own homebirth, I was still prone to trust doc's 100%

I am not totally against the med community, but they have their place!

[pigpokey]

Yes.

I wonder if it is kinder to hope that the denial sticks.

[ValarieR]

Originally Posted by HomeBirthMommy

BTW-was this birth at a hospital on the North Side? Just curious...

Nope. It was at a baby factory on the west side, in Carrollton... It was like a little shop of horrors there!

Seriously- if you refuse an epi, they make you watch a video about the pain you will experience! It would scare any woman into getting one!

If she had been raised mainstream, I would get it more, but her mom is crunch-a-licious! She's always been taught about homebirth and the like... I guess one day she'll figure it out

~Valarie~

[Gray's Mommy]

Originally Posted by mamaverdi

Yes. Very common. Shockingly common. Depressingly common. Sadly, all too common.

:

[Rockies5]

Originally Posted by mamaverdi

Yes. Very common. Shockingly common. Depressingly common. Sadly, all too common.

Totally. this is what they do. Within a year (or as soon as she gets pregnant again) she may begin to question you.

[mama_bee]

that makes me so sad because i was the exact same way! i was in denial for MONTHS after my son's birth, thinking i had the "easy way out" by having a fully drugged (later surgical) birth and not having to go through the "agony" of natural birth. even after a rough recovery, i couldn't admit that i had a horrible time with the birth. it took several months to finally mourn what i didn't experience. i can only hope that the same happens for her. it's a healthy process to grieve and learn from the past.