If your 4 yr old believed in santa, and you did not want her/him too, would you tell

[rharr!]

them your truth?

I have a hard time with telling dd about santa and easter bunny and other magical entities, that arnt real, but we pretend they are. I always feel like I am lying to her. I have in the past (when she was 2) told her Santa is not real, but because of the hype from the rest of the world she believes Santa is real. I was ok with that. Easy out for me.

I did straight out tell her that on Halloween we were going to leave her candy out for the Goblin, and see if he left something in return.

Well now her whole life is that she cant leave stuff out because some goblin will come take her stuff.

My mother has been feeding into it and telling her if she leaves her shoes outside a goblin will take them and give them to other kids :
If she leaves toys lying around a goblin will take them away :

I have tried to explain that she has always left her shoes out, and no goblin will take them. Your toys can be where ever you leave them, except when it is time to vacuum. Goblins are not real, and Grandma was just teasing.

Goblins are supposed to be fun, but I am afraid that she will start to fear them.

What does all of this have to do with telling her Santa isnt real? Well, I dont really know, other than I guess I am done with not being truthful with dd.

But I have no idea what to say, or if I should even bother.


Since we are a family of two(and always have been). This year I am just going to put the gifts out with just her name or my name on them. Not who they are from, just to: Dd
or to: Me.
Normally I do from: Santa or, mama.
I dont think it will make a huge difference, this year at least. But if I always do this, perhaps at some point she will notice and come to her own conclusion?

[lotusdebi]

*

[damselfly41]

My dh has the same issue with Santa/Easter Bunny, etc. I also don't know how I feel about telling them there is when there isn't, but I kinda do it anyway. I don't really tell them they are real or aren't; I just let them think what they want. As a child, I remember very clearly knowing these characters weren't "real", but it was fun to have this game with my parents. I knew the handwriting on the tags said "from Santa", but was obviously my mom's writing. I knew that an Easter Bunny was preposterous, but I played along, because it was fun. However, you should do only what you are comfortable with. I have never heard of the goblin thing, but if she is scared about it, then you should definitely convince her it was just a game people play on Halloween. Good luck to you.

[Sagesgirl]

I am being driven nuts by Santa being everywhere, and by my well-meaning cousin/babysitter talking to Bobbie about Santa. So we are telling her that Santa is make believe, because "Santa is all about consumerism and cultural insensitivity" is kind of a deep discussion for a four-year-old. We tell her that some choose to make believe in Santa but we don't.

Of course, we're not coming from the position of ever wanting her to believe in Santa, so I'm not really sure what to suggest for you. I'd be tempted to just not do anything Santa-related this year. At four, she may well not notice a difference.

[angelpie545]

I have never, and never will, lie to my kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the existence of goblins, zombies, what have you. We are Christians, and I am raising my kids that way. It is an inherent part of our beliefs that we do not lie. Therefore, I need to set an example for my children, and lying about even mythical, fantasy figures to me is just not right at all. We do celebrate Christmas, and Easter, but I teach them the legend behind the myth instead, and we talk about how Santa is a symbol of Christmas, and the Christmas Spirit, but that there is not such thing as a real Santa. They still get to have fun, get presents, ext., but it feels good to me that there experiences are not based on a lie.

[cheer mom]

I'm kinda missing something--why is it ok to believe in goblins but not in Santa? Personally, the kid is 4, let them believe.

[miss_sonja]

I just don't get why it's considered 'lying' to talk about Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. Do you never tell stories to your kids? What about fairy tales? We don't know everything!!!!! Whether you are Christian or not isn't really an issue--these are parts of our American culture.

I tell my kids about Santa, about the Easter Bunny, we celebrate St. Nicholas' Day (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Nicholas_Day "Many children put a boot, called Nikolaus-Stiefel, outside the front door on the night of December 5 to December 6. St. Nicholas fills the boot with gifts..." ), it's all good fun.

I think they know on some level that Santa, a person or entity, doesn't really come down the chiminey. But the SPIRIT of Santa does, that is, Santa personifies the spirity of generosity and love. Like the Easter Bunny personifies (or, um, anthropomorphizes) the energy of spring.

If you don't like Santa, don't tell your kids about him. They'll hear from friends and from media. You can just say 'Some people believe in Santa, in our family we don't' and leave it at that.

[carolynrosa]

To the OP:
I'd tell her that people tell lots of stories, but not all of them are true. Then I'd give examples: goblins, monsters, santa, tooth fairy, etc. Then I'd tell her that it can be fun to make-believe, but sometimes scary (like her fear of the goblin-thing stealing stuff). Tell her that she's a big girl and that you want her to be able to trust you, so if she asks you, you *promise* to tell her the truth. And then tell the truth from now on. Don't refuse to allow her to make-believe in something if it's fun for her... but if she asks, tell her the truth and calm her fears about goblins. Good luck!

[dancingmama]

We just do the whole "some people believe" thing. It works great. When she asks if *I* believe, I just shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not so sure!" with a mischievous grin. But you could easily say that you don't believe, but others do, and leave it to her to choose. No lies, no problems....

[chinaKat]

I don't tell my kid that there are no such things as talking bears that live in a cottage in the woods, or that little pigs don't really build houses that the big bad wolf blows down.

She'll figure out that it's fiction when she figures it out.

In the meanwhile, I'm not going to build any elaborate fantasies about bears and pigs with human abilities... but I'm not going to rain on her parade when she asks to read her favorite books with me, either.

[USAmma]

I have never tried to really encourage Santa. I mean, we are Hindu and UU. When she was 3 she didn't believe in Santa and said he wasn't real. But now at almost age 6 she wants to believe in Santa. Last year she wrote Santa a letter all by herself. This year she just did the same. She is a bright kid and I know that she probably knows Santa is not real, but she wants to believe and wants to play this fantasy. We are humoring her by playing along with her. I don't think we need to drive home the point that Santa is not real and destroy her fantasy. She will decide on her own when to stop playing the game.

[GalateaDunkel]

Look up and teach her about the historical St. Nicholas, the basis of Santa Claus. Teach her about how St. Nicholas sneaked around at night leaving presents in the homes of needy people, and how fun it is to pretend he is doing the same thing for us on Christmas. Incorporate your Christmas works of charity into it, and talk about how you are imitating St. Nick's generosity.

To the PP who asked why Santa/Easter Bunny etc is considered "lying," it's because many Christian parents are concerned that when children gradually realize these figures aren't real, they will then conclude that the religious aspects of the holiday must be made-up too. Given the commercialization of holidays and the cartoon-like sentimentalizing of baby Jesus (when he's even mentioned at all!) I think this is a reasonable fear.

lately I have seen children's Bibles that just end abruptly with one of Jesus's miracles or sermons, with no mention of his death and Resurrection. That is what I am talking about; many Christians are at pains to make sure we teach our kids that this stuff is real, not some nice story from a picture book.

[Jada Mae]

I do not believe in lying to my child....PERIOD!

I remember when I was a kid (speaking of Santa) that at some point I became very nervous and scared that some guy is going to come into our house. Who cares if he is going to leave presents and that he would love any cookie I left out (if I did, which was only once and then never again), the fact that he was some stranger, and a MAN, coming into our house...FORGET THAT!

Then, when I was a bit older, I realized it was all fake, all a hoax, all in the name of fun. Well, it wasn't fun to me! I was pissed because I realized that my parents had been lying to me about this, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, etc. Then, after realizing that I had been duped by my parents, I no longer trusted them. I questioned everything that they said, and did not believe them. I even went as far as believing that they were lying to me about being their (genetic) child. O.k. so I know that is overkill there, BUT.... that is how I felt.

The fact of the matter (in my opinion) that if we lie to our children, then they will not be able to believe in us or trust us in the things that REALLY matter! If my son got into a lot of trouble, or was in compromising situations, I really hope that he feels he can always come to me no matter what. If I lie to him when he is young, I don't believe that is building a pathway of trust when he becomes older (he is 5 now).

This is not just lying about Santa and the such, but lying in general about anything. By the time I was in adolescence I had bigger questions to ask my parents. I was lied to about those things as well. When I realized the truth to my questions, it just reiterated what I believed when I was younger: I just couldn't trust my parents about anything. I never went to them for anything, instead turning to friends and their parents. I loved my parents, but I never trusted them.

The Santa and such talk did not come for our son until he lost his first tooth about two months ago. People kept on asking him if the tooth fairy came. He would look at me with a funny quizzical look and I would tell people that we don't tell stories about the tooth fairy. I took him home and explained about all the mythical stories people tell their kids. "Why do they do that?" he asked. I told him that some parents feel it is fun to get their children to believe in something magical, something to get really excited about. He pondered that for a moment then he looked up at me (almost horrified) and said "But mama, isn't that lying?!?!" I said yes, and that is the reason why we didn't tell him about Santa, tooth fairy, etc. He then said "Well I sure am glad you and dad don't lie to me!" Smart little guy!

We have promised to never lie to our son and any other child that we may have. I speak openly about this to our son and tell him why we never will lie to him, which is because we want him to come to us for anything, no matter what, even if he is in trouble or someone else is in trouble, but that he can ALWAYS come talk to us and he will be safe.

I know I have kinda gone off on this, but I feel really strongly about this. Just my 2cents.

[carolynrosa]

Jada Mae, ITA! I felt SO betrayed when I found out my mother had been lying about Santa. I even started asking questions about God and told some kids from church that god was made uo by our parents to make us behave (like with Santa and his "list).
I'm not religious now, but if I were I certainly wouldn't tell stories of virgin births and angels and Santa, and expect my kids to believe any of it after they discover that I was misleading them on *some *of the fables....
I want my daughter to know that she can come to me for straight answers and that I will always do my best to teach her about right and wrong and the truth!

[BlueStateMama]

I don't tell my kid that there are no such things as talking bears that live in a cottage in the woods, or that little pigs don't really build houses that the big bad wolf blows down.

She'll figure out that it's fiction when she figures it out.

Personally, I think the whole world of make-believe works hand in hand with developing their imaginations. DS makes up the craziest stories now, and I love to hear the stuff he invents. I don't directly talk about Santa, though. I think I'll probably use the smile and "what do *you* think" approach. I think there's something to be said about the magic of childhood - and some of that is believing in Santa, etc.

We're German and we used to put our shoes out for St. Nicholas Day. Over the years I figured out that it was my mom, as opposed to St Nicholas, filling my shoes with chocolate while I slept, but I never said, "Hey mom, you LIED!!!" It wasn't like she did something malicious to me, it was obviously for our enjoyment and excitement. I loved the anticipation and thrill of all of that, and plan to recreate it for my kids.

Side note: I do, however, HATE when people use "Santa" as a threat (ie "If you're not good, Santa won't come!" : )

[Shonahsmom]

When my dd asks if Santa is real, I ask what she thinks. SHe tells me she thinks he is and I tell her she's welcome to believe whatever she wants. I don't do anything to perpetuate or dissuade the belief.

This led to a very funny conversation between my dd and my SO's ds (6 and 5 at the time).

DD: I think santa is real.

DS: No, he doesn't exist.

DD: Yes he does!

DS: No, he doesn't!

Me: We all have different ideas and different beliefs. That's okay.

DD: I know Santa exists cos last year he brought me an easel and there is NO way my mom could've carried that home on the bus and she couldn't afford it either.

[RomanGoddess]

I personally do not intend to tell my daughter that Santa brings her presents because this IS a lie. Note that this is to be distinguished from fairy tales. I cannot prove or disprove a fairy tale but I can most certainly prove that it was I who bought my daughter her presents at Christmas, NOT Santa. Telling her or even letting her believe that someone else left them for her would be a lie.

Regarding other fantasy, such as fairy tales, it should be noted that children under the age of 6 have difficulty distinguishing between what is real and what is not. I absolutely intend to tell my daughter fairy tales but will do so when she is old enough to understand that some things are just fantasy and then she can decide for herself whether fairy tales contain any truth.

[MommytoTwo]

IMO part of the magic of childhood is believing in things like Santa, etc. So no I wouldnt tell unless they asked. And I do "lie" to my kids about Santa. My parents did and I am so glad they did. I dont feel the need to be 100% honest with my kids about every single thing. I am suffering no great trauma from being allowed to believe in Santa. On the contrary Christmas was, and is, magical and beautiful and fun.

[PrennaMama]

We're Baha'i, and have Christian, and Agnostic, as well as Jewish family... We celebrate Hanukka, Christmas, and Naw Ruz. And I have the sweetest pic of dd on Santa's lap, last year, when she was just over a year old.

We are huge fans of make believe, science fiction, fantasy, role-playing, the Loch Ness Monster, Monster Repellant, and "lying" to our child... "There are sugar-monkeys in your molars trying to get the left-over bananas! We MUST brush!!"

There's a huge difference between perpetuating urban myth, or folk-lore, and lying to your kids. "Children lose their shoes to goblins when they don't put them away" is a lie. Funny, but a lie nonetheless, and a little mean-spirited, sounding.

But I have a firm belief that the legend of Santa, and the lore of St. Nick are sweet tales, one great way to indulge the imagination, and reclaim some of my own childhood.

[PrennaMama]

Oh, and my mom STILL puts presents out from Santa...