I don't discipline my kids!

[BeBe123]

Is there anything wrong with giving my DC freedom and almost no rules(except safety)?. Some people look at me like my kids are out of control...but i like them to experience things and not hold them back. I never even raise my voice to my DC, even when they do things that most parents would scream about.

Life is too short to spend pissed and yelling at your kids, right?

[LDSmomma6]

That's fine and dandy and all, but IMO children need to be disciplined. You don't have to yell, spank, or beat, but they need to know what their boundries are. Parents are to guide them to make the correct choices. There was a study out years ago with teenage children, and most of them said they wished that their parents were more strict as in disciplining them. But then again, it's only MO, and each parent can do whatever they feel they have to do, but I have seen children that have become adults who were never disciplined, and most are in jail or have crappy lives because they were never taught the correct choices and were allowed to do whatever they wanted because they knew they would never get in trouble. But the same can happen to children who were disciplined, but maybe were beat and yelled at. I have yet to see children who have crappy lives when their parents disciplined with love...not that it can't happened though.

And I have a friend now who does not discipline her children, and I can't stand to be around them. They hit other children, talk back to her, yell at her, kick her & other children, and she just sits there with a stupid fake grin on her face and just ignores them. Doesn't do one thing, but yet children are crying because they got hurt by these kids. I have limit myself being around her, and I know other people have too because of her children.

Just my .02. You do whatever.

[Bartock]

Originally Posted by LDSmomma6

That's fine and dandy and all, but IMO children need to be disciplined. You don't have to yell, spank, or beat, but they need to know what their boundries are. Parents are to guide them to make the correct choices. There was a study out years ago with teenage children, and most of them said they wished that their parents were more strict as in disciplining them. But then again, it's only MO, and each parent can do whatever they feel they have to do, but I have seen children that have become adults who were never disciplined, and most are in jail or have crappy lives because they were never taught the correct choices and were allowed to do whatever they wanted because they knew they would never get in trouble. But the same can happen to children who were disciplined, but maybe were beat and yelled at. I have yet to see children who have crappy lives when their parents disciplined with love...not that it can't happened though.

And I have a friend now who does not discipline her children, and I can't stand to be around them. They hit other children, talk back to her, yell at her, kick her & other children, and she just sits there with a stupid fake grin on her face and just ignores them. Doesn't do one thing, but yet children are crying because they got hurt by these kids. I have limit myself being around her, and I know other people have too because of her children.

Just my .02. You do whatever.

:

[TiredX2]

You might be interested into looking into "TCS" (taking children seriously).

While I strongly believe in some aspects of the child "raising" style, I don't think I could make it work for me.

[BeBe123]

i lead by example...my kids are VERY gentle souls. They would not put their hands on another persons body. Thats what kind of mother i am.

[rmzbm]

I see discipline as "loving guidance." That's what I do...no more, no less.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I see discipline as "loving guidance." That's what I do...no more, no less.

Exactly

They would not put their hands on another persons body.

Be carefull with blaket statements like this... you cannot always controll what a child might do even one where the example has been ideal. (and good for you for showing the example ) but sometimes children can aggresstive ovely touchy ect despite the best enviroment. My DD has SID and things like touching sometimes inappropiatly isa huge issue for us and not something we can just leave alone. We guide though we don't punish. Discipline does NOT equal punishment.

[oyemicanto]

Originally Posted by BeBe123

Is there anything wrong with giving my DC freedom and almost no rules(except safety)?. Some people look at me like my kids are out of control...but i like them to experience things and not hold them back. I never even raise my voice to my DC, even when they do things that most parents would scream about.

Life is too short to spend pissed and yelling at your kids, right?

well, I guess it depends. It sounds like you are noticing that other people seem bothered by your children's behavior. Can you pinpoint what they are doing that is perhaps innappropriate? Can you guide them toward different behavior in these situations?

I'm thinking that while it is wonderful to allow your children to have freedom and "not hold back" it is important to realize that as they grow they will be interacting with others more and more. It will help them to be able to "read" situations and act appropriately, but you have to decide how you want to handle this.

[Zach'smom]

Originally Posted by BeBe123

i lead by example...my kids are VERY gentle souls. They would not put their hands on another persons body. Thats what kind of mother i am.

I also lead by example. I would never hit or scream at DC. But to imply that parents of kids who have/had hit, kicked, bit, etc are bad parents probably isn't a good idea. Kids need guidance, boundries and discipline. Children can experience things fully without being "out of control".

[BeBe123]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

I also lead by example. I would never hit or scream at DC. But to imply that parents of kids who have/had hit, kicked, bit, etc are bad parents probably isn't a good idea. Kids need guidance, boundries and discipline. Children can experience things fully without being "out of control".

wow...i didn't know that was what i was implying...thanks for letting me know.

just remember that i am not the one flaming here. i just asked a question. and let me tell you...my kids are not out of control. they are spirited!

[velochic]

Originally Posted by BeBe123

Is there anything wrong with giving my DC freedom and almost no rules(except safety)?. Some people look at me like my kids are out of control...but i like them to experience things and not hold them back.

Discipline means to teach. You are disciplining them if they are learning (and of course all kids learn all the time from their parents). What you are saying is that you don't have any rules in your house. The kids can do what they want.

You ask is there anything wrong with not giving a child boundaries/rules. My opinion is that children without boundaries and rules to follow eventually will become teenagers without rules. Add attitude and hormones to that and it seems that it would spell disaster when puberty hits. As kids grow up and their world expands, there are more and more external influences. We lose the upper hand of being the biggest influence in their lives, or at least we become a lot less of an influence. Without them learning that life has rules and boundaries, they won't know where the line is and won't care if they cross it. You can have rules and boundaries and still let your child have independence and room to discover on their own. I think it's actually THE number one purpose for parents... to teach children how to participate in a society while maintaining their individuality and happiness.

You said it yourself... some people think your kids are out of control. SOMETHING else is influencing them to act that way. I doubt anybody ever says that YOU seem out of control, so their are learning to act out of control somewhere. TV maybe?

You know the best way to raise your children, but you asked the question, so I gave my opinion.

[mother culture]

I think children need to know boundries. Every house had different rules and there are certain "rules" you have to follow to be a citizen and have a trouble free life. So in not giving your kids boundries you are not preparing them. If they are in public or classroom school they get pleanty of rules and can't do what they want so they would get that there but at home they should respect you as a mother and have family chores and such and not let them run wild while you do all the clean up.

[Mothra]

Kids don't have to "learn" to act out of control. Babies are born expecting the Stone Age. They don't get it. This world isn't set up that kids can learn to negotiate it without guidance.

I don't understand what you mean by "no rules." We have a bare minimum of rules. No hitting. No throwing things at other people. No jerking the dog around by her leash... safety and respect issues. My two-year-old has no idea why it wouldn't be okay for her to color all over her brother's artwork with a crayon. She doesn't understand why she can't pour her milk into the dog's water bowl. She didn't "learn" those things from me, I don't pour MY milk into the dog's bowl or color on my 4yo's artwork, she does those things because she feels like it. If I don't redirect her, I'm not talking about punishment, how can she learn to NOT do those things?

I have a friend whose kids have "no rules" and I can't stand to be around them. She doesn't hit them or yell at them and they used to be very gentle with each other, but they are not nice kids. They are the most entitled kids I've ever met. They expect the world to bend to them because they've never had to bend. As they get older, she's having a lot of problems with them. They don't have respect for others because respect involves understanding that sometimes the needs of others are more important than yours-- the rules part. Good rules protect us from each other.

I know lots of parents that have rules, do not hit or yell at their children, and discipline without crushing their children's spirits. THere are lots of ways to do this. TCS is not for me, but it works for a lot of people. It isn't the free-for-all it appears to be at first glance. I'm really curious as to how "no rules" works.

[Treasuremapper]

This is a tough issue. I do think that at some point, it is important to teach children some basic manners and cultural expectations for appropriate behavior in certain situations. The reason is not to curb their joy in life, but, rather, to give them confidence when the time comes to interact socially and professionally, so that they will know that they know what to do. For example, my parents took some effort to teach me in very concrete ways how to mingle at parties, shake hands, etc. They modeled it, of course, but they also explained tricky situations, like what to do when you shake hands with someone who does not know how to shake hands, what to do when you have a bore or a shy person at a party, that sort of thing.

At your older kids' age, they may start being able to perceive that others may shrink away from them, but not know why. Kids can pick up on nonverbal cues. So I would want to teach them how to approach things in a confident way, knowing what to do when others are rude, knowing how to make friends and so forth. Does that make sense? It can be taught in a kind, nurturing way, so that your kids see you as their adviser in such matters.

One thing I like about my stepmother, for example, is that she taught her son that when he went to dances with girls, that the girls might act shy and hang about against the wall, but that the girls really wanted to be asked to dance. She taught him how to do it, how to handle rejection, etc., etc., in a very concrete way. I wish someone had done that for me!

So I would not do much for two year old Maria, but Ryan might be ready for some super basic guidance. In a few years, as the complexity of the situations he faces increases, he will know that you are a great resource at how to make friends and so forth.

[thismama]

Wow, that's really cool. Wanna come to my house and give me some pointers?

[BeBe123]

Originally Posted by thismama

Wow, that's really cool. Wanna come to my house and give me some pointers?

i don't really get what you are saying...sarcastic?


I think when i said "no rules" i was meaning no punishment. Of course i give guidance and teach the basics about being a good human being. But sometimes my kids run around in stores (just for example), and i don't yell at them and make them stay by my side. Somepeople would smack their kids for that. but as long as i can see and hear both of my kids...i don't feel like staying by my side constanly is a nessesary rule.

[LisainCalifornia]

I also think it is really important to teach kids to respect another person's space (home, body), and that sometimes includes putting a limit on their behavior. For example, if your child is jumping on frogs, squishing them and laughing, it is up to you as his guide in life to stop the behavior and explain why you should not do that. If you have a great talk about it, and think he understands--but then 10 minutes later he is doing it again. That calls for a logical consequence--i.e. "you harmed the frogs, now we have to leave the park until you can show them you respect them".

Or if you child is running wild at someone's house or in the store, it is up to you as his mentor and guide in life to show him that he may be really disturbing others (hurting their ears, knocking them over, breaking things that belong to them). This may or may not include "disciplining" but is an important lesson for them to learn that they need to respect other people, so as not to grow into an obnoxious adult who only thinks of themselves, and never others. We all know grown ups like that, right?

I think that this is one of those myths about attachment parenting that people incorrectly believe (usually people who have a strong hatred for AP). Attachment parenting is not no discipline-my kid can do whatever he wants. In many ways it is the opposite of that. It is parenting with a strong connection and mentoring your child through life, helping them to be the best person they can be. To take a totally hands off approach to all discipline and guidance is similar to people who are very non-attached to their child and tend to resort to corporal punishment as the swiftest route to compliance to a child. It takes much more effort to constantly guide and set limits for our children than to either let them do whatever they want, or to do the opposite and smack them down and never listen to their feelings.

Lisa

[thismama]

Originally Posted by BeBe123

i don't really get what you are saying...sarcastic?

: No, totally not sarcastic. I have control issues, and I can't imagine not feeling a need to control and discipline my child, but I'd like to see what magic you could work with her.

[mamajama]

My kids are 6 and 4. I don't have many rules at all outside of safety. I mean, I know there are some families who function best with rather strict routines (ie. make your bed in the morning, always eat at the table etc.) I don't have those kinds of rules. My guidelines seem to lie within the area of safety and respect. For example, we don't tell anyone to 'shut-up', we try to be polite to eachother, we try to be gentle with eachother verbally and physically, etc. They aren't even *rules* perse, as there is no specific punishment alloted for an infraction . I just remind them that we must treat others with respect. I dunno.
Not too sure what you're getting at with the OP.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by BeBe123

But sometimes my kids run around in stores (just for example), and i don't yell at them and make them stay by my side. Somepeople would smack their kids for that. but as long as i can see and hear both of my kids...i don't feel like staying by my side constanly is a nessesary rule.

That's fine, as long as your children aren't running in front of other people, scaring people, knocking things off shelves, being so loud that other's can't hear or in any other way infering with other's ability to shop or the owners ability to make a profit. My experience is that kids "without rules" are frequently the ones that make life unpleasent for those around them in public situations such as shopping. As long as you are giving that sort of guidence (which is a discpline), and you are comfortable with the safety issues, then good for you.

But be careful patting yourself on the back too much, you never know what will happen tomorrow to make you eat your words. Especially with kids!