I don't discipline my kids! - Page 4

[Strong Mama]

and also wanted to add that i looked at your pics and you are GORGEOUS!! and your kids are adorable.

your man messed up bigtime girl! (throwing you lots of fairy dust)

[Cherie2]

define and clarify

To the OP it seems to me the reason you started this thread was to get some clarification and support for your parenting style. I have a feeling that you do provide guidance to your children, just not in the traditional sense. Your fear of facing the children's father and proving your competence as a mother is what is driving your inquiry. Please read more, there are some great links in gentle discipline. Define your parenting style and be ready to defend it. As soon as you find the terms that best express your intentions and your parenting process the better you will feel. There is a huge abundance of support here

[irinam]

Originally Posted by FEDUP

and also wanted to add that i looked at your pics and you are GORGEOUS!! and your kids are adorable.

No kidding! You are HOT mama!

[darien]

Originally Posted by Mothra

I have a friend whose kids have "no rules" and I can't stand to be around them. She doesn't hit them or yell at them and they used to be very gentle with each other, but they are not nice kids. They are the most entitled kids I've ever met. They expect the world to bend to them because they've never had to bend. As they get older, she's having a lot of problems with them. They don't have respect for others because respect involves understanding that sometimes the needs of others are more important than yours-- the rules part. Good rules protect us from each other.

I have a friend like this too-- same issues! Her kids are 10 and 13 now, but behaviorally and emotionally, they're more like preschoolers. They don't think of consequences or others' feelings before they act. They're incredibly self-centered. They also seem to have NO clue about social mores!

I'm not in any way trying to imply that the OP's kids are going to turn out like this! I do think, though, that kids need rules/expectations about honoring others' rights and feelings. We all live together, and freedom is not license.

[BamBam'sMom]

Originally Posted by steph4roo

If other people look at your kids like they are out of control, they probably are.

I disagree. From the OP's clarifications, it sounds like she doesn't allow her children to harm others or to be disrespectful. It sounds to me like she is just not overcontrolling like many people are with their kids.

I have gotten dirty looks because my son was crying in the grocery store while I was doing everything I could to comfort him, or because I was allowing him to push his stroller around at the park. Many people seem to think that kids need to behave like quiet little doormats.

[K's Mom!]

I"m sorry to say that I did not read all of the previous 4 pages, but I wanted to add my .02 to this thread. I appologize if this has already been stated.

But here are some things to consider:
1. Parents setting boundaries for their children teaches the child to set boundaries for themselves as adults. (I grew up with gentle discipline and now have self discipline)

2. Setting your own boundaries with them teaches them to have boundaries. IE: Sacred space that is their own, as in private areas of the body, etc. Also, children without boundaries don't always accept the boundaries of others and could potentially force themselves upon others.

And if you are already gently guiding them, than maybe you already do discipline them. I consider myself to be my dcs guide in life, not militant commander.

But I too have a friend who does not discipline and I do not allow my kiddos to play with them because it is just too confusing for my kids to be around. My dcs don't understand why her kids are allowed to behave too chaotically (word? sp? LOL) Her kids have become the type of kiddos that most people do not want their dc around, which is ironic since she strives to be such a good parent. . and she is other than the discipline part.

[steph4roo]

Not intended to be harsh

My intention was not to be harsh or pass judgement even. I was giving my opinion...we all have them here and I was giving mine. I was just trying to explain that I feel there is more to parenting than just keeping kids safe, and that too much freedom will backfire. I never wrote that this mother didn't love her kids or claimed that I knew anything about her life other than what she wrote about it. I responded to her first post which was....

Is there anything wrong with giving my DC freedom and almost no rules(except safety)?. Some people look at me like my kids are out of control...but i like them to experience things and not hold them back. I never even raise my voice to my DC, even when they do things that most parents would scream about.

Life is too short to spend pissed and yelling at your kids, right?

....She is asking is there anything wrong with this, and I gave my opinion, going on the limited amount of info given in her post. Looking at some other posts just now, I can see that I also wrote some of the same feelings that others shared, just in different words. So, I find it weird that one poster demanded that my post should be removed, I guess because she doesn't agree with it. Anyway, to the OP, I didn't mean to add to any stress... just giving you my honest 2 cents, which is what I thought we are all here for. When you post questions, you are likely to get all different answers, some you like and some you don't. That is the risk when you ask for advice. Don't take it too hard or let others get you worked up about any one persons' specific advice. Take whatever helps you and disregard the rest! My opinion included! Hope it gets better!

[BeBe123]

Originally Posted by steph4roo

I don't see the difference in you as a parent from, let's say, a babysitter, for example. .

Not intended to be harsh huh??

[mammal_mama]

I empathize with BeBe because I've sometimes been criticized for not setting limits: I do set limits when it comes to safety of themselves and others and respect for others' space and property. But I've learned that ANYTIME you don't have the SAME limits other parents do, you can get accused of NOT disciplining and of being permissive.

For instance, I see no harm in my children drawing on themselves with magic markers, or even a pen. It all washes off after a few baths, and -- at least with my oldest -- allowing this didn't result in her thinking it was okay to do this to the walls (I still have to really watch my toddler of course). Out of respect for dh, who is also their dad meaning his feelings should be considered and he HATES to see his girls marked up like this, I don't let them go as hog-wild as I would if he was laid-back like me (or at least I try to wipe off as much as I can before he comes home).

I also see no problem with my toddler pulling all the clothes out of a drawer or clean laundry hamper and playing dress-up. Hey, it keeps her safely happy so I can have a few moments here and there to blog or talk on the phone. Okay, so dh probably wouldn't mind either if I was quicker about the clean-up!

I've seen some people look offended when I let my older child do unorthodox stuff on playground equipment (i.e. climbing up the covered top of a slide). I have a sense for what she's safely able to do, and she's also quite considerate of the space and safety of others as she plays. If others feel their same-age kids would be unsafe doing the same stuff, that's their call and they don't need to get huffy with me for letting my kid do something their kids would LIKE to do but aren't allowed to. I limit my kids' tv, but I don't get huffy with parents who let their kids watch more -- even if we happen to be at their house and my 6yo dd wishes out loud that she could see all the shows her friends get to see.

To me, it's all about setting limits we ourselves believe in: I believe in myself as a mom so I can handle my daughter's questions when she sees other kids getting to watch more tv. I just tell her I want her to keep spending time imagining and creating her own stories and her own mental pictures of stories, and tv kind of does your imagining and creates your pictures for you. Maybe the disapproval of some others regarding my lack of SAMENESS in limit-setting stems from their lack of belief in themselves ... maybe they're not setting limits THEY personally believe in, they're just doing what they think others will approve of (i.e. saying "THIS is the way you play on the slide") and it sticks in their craw when I'm comfortable allowing my kids more freedom, more exploration, and more fun.

[Emzachsmama]

To the OP: s I'm sorry you're going through all of this with you SO. I've been there and I know how much it hurts to be cheated on. In regards to him taking your kids away...I wouldn't worry about it...it doesn't sound like you are doing anything that would mean that you would lose your kids. I may disagree with how you parent but I don't think you would/should lose your kids over it. My kids would totally take advantage of being able to run around in the store without me and it would have scared me to death to let them do that when they were your dc's ages but everyone has different comfort levels...it doesn't necessarily mean you are a bad parent.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[bullfrog]

So sorry for what your BF is putting you through. Sounds like he's made you question yourself and your standards - please find some way to remind yourself that he made the mistake - his criticizims of you are an attempt to justify his very bad behavior.

Discipline is different than punishment.

How do you teach your children to respect others? How to you teach them what is dangerous? It's through discipline. You can call it 'open communication', you can call it 'explaining it' what ever you want to call it- it's discipline.

Your posts seem to imply that you think that anyone who disciplines their children is either 'smacking' them or 'screaming' at them. And that is just incorrect.

It sounds to me like you are doing what you think is right for your children - lots of us have been under fire for doing what we think is best for our kids. Stick to your guns, you know your kids, you know what works for you and for them. Be careful not to judge others for doing the same - you never know what other peoples kids are like or what they'll respond to, or what the parents own limitations are.

Good luck!

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by bullfrog

Be careful not to judge others for doing the same - you never know what other peoples kids are like or what they'll respond to, or what the parents own limitations are.

Good luck!

I need to remember not to judge, too -- even if I feel others are judging me.

And I agree with everyone who said not to worry about your boyfriend's threat to take your kids. It sounds to me like he's just trying to divert your attention away from his betrayal ... and maybe scare you into staying with him regardless of his behavior 'cause he'll make things so hard for you if you don't.

I wouldn't let his threat coerce you into accepting his unacceptable behavior: just do whatever you feel is best for yourself and your kids. Hugs!

[Zonie]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I see discipline as "loving guidance." That's what I do...no more, no less.

This is how I feel too. My husband hates it. We disagree on parenting.
************************************************** *

I would not allow them to run around offending others either. I expect my kids to be respectful, and act appropriately in certain situations. If I felt like a situation was unreasonable for them, I didn't take them.

I want other people (adults and kids) to like my children. I want kids who can go to a freinds house for dinner and then be welcomed back into their home.

My youngest daughter had a friend in fourth grade that she invited over. I was happy to see her invite a friend. BUT, this child was a tornado, and she was rude. She stood on my kitchen table, to see how far she could make the silly putty stretch. I never invited her back. Her parents felt that "it's childhood, and childhood should be fun". When I went to her house for a party, there were no doors on any of the rooms. (the child had broken all of them) She had shot out all the lightbulbs in her bathroom with a super soaker water gun.

I want my kids to have fun. But, they can't be happy if they know they are "Those kids".

I was one of "Those kids" growing up, and I resent my parents for not supervising me more. Because society doesn't teach your kids, it has to be the parents. I can't stand to think back on my childhood and remember the things I did.

[joesmom]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I empathize with BeBe because I've sometimes been criticized for not setting limits: I do set limits when it comes to safety of themselves and others and respect for others' space and property. But I've learned that ANYTIME you don't have the SAME limits other parents do, you can get accused of NOT disciplining and of being permissive.

Yep. I have learned that there are things that I let Joe do, that my sister thinks are waaay permissive, & then there are things that she lets her kids "get away with" that I would not tolerate from my son. So Joe is allowed to stay up till midnight or later, eat what he wants if he does not like our dinner, & her kids are... heck, they aren't allowed to do much of anything, lol... what was my point again? :

Anyway, permissiveness is all relative. I might think it is permissive to let your kids draw on themselves, but if YOU don't have a problem with it, then it is fine for you.

The playground thing gets on my nerves. I let Joe do what he wants as long as no one else's fun is being compromised- boy, some people don't like that!!