Spinoff- Comparing spanking to domestic violence - Page 3

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by ameliabedelia

That is why this forum is so important..so we can know WHAT TO DO WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I think parents who have reached the end of their rope need patience and help and support to find gentler ways..not just be told that hitting is wrong.. we all know that.

Bravo!!

~Nay

[Mothra]

Originally Posted by abac

Haven't read the responses yet, but I'm in a hurry and wanted to reply quickly. Ruthla, your OP sounds like the excuses people make when they DO hit their spouses. You list all of the reasons why someone would feel the urge to hit. Men sometimes say it's because their wives nag them constantly and "she just wouldn't stop."

I'm not dense, and I disagree with the OP. I agree with this. I've worked with victims of domestic violence and, in a more limited capacity, with men who have abused women. I've also worked more closely with victims of child abuse and those who abuse them. The things that the men and child abusers said were remarkably similar and it isn't a correlation I'm willing to ignore. In addition, the reminder that other things that were once considered as socially acceptable as hitting a child, such as hitting one's wife and slavery, are now considered abusive. Just because most people do it and there are just so many darned good reasons to do so doesn't make it more acceptable than either of those things. We categorize things and organize them in our minds. How we think about something affects how we act. I would no more hit my child than I would my spouse, and I think that's a good way to look at it.

And sometimes the best reason to NOT hit is that IT IS WRONG. I'm not a hitter, I never have been, but I have a tendency to raise my voice and I've found myself absolutely yelling at my kids before. To stop myself, I remind myself that it is just WRONG. The logical part, the part where I think about it and do what I can to keep myself from getting to that point, works well in certain situations. Other times, I've had to just tell myself that it isn't an option because it is abusive and it is just plain WRONG. I think that's the first thing that someone has to accept before he or she will be open to committing to stoping the behavior, no matter what it is.

[peacelovingmama]

Originally Posted by Mothra

I'm not dense, and I disagree with the OP. I agree with this. I've worked with victims of domestic violence and, in a more limited capacity, with men who have abused women. I've also worked more closely with victims of child abuse and those who abuse them. The things that the men and child abusers said were remarkably similar and it isn't a correlation I'm willing to ignore. In addition, the reminder that other things that were once considered as socially acceptable as hitting a child, such as hitting one's wife and slavery, are now considered abusive. Just because most people do it and there are just so many darned good reasons to do so doesn't make it more acceptable than either of those things. We categorize things and organize them in our minds. How we think about something affects how we act. I would no more hit my child than I would my spouse, and I think that's a good way to look at it.

And sometimes the best reason to NOT hit is that IT IS WRONG. I'm not a hitter, I never have been, but I have a tendency to raise my voice and I've found myself absolutely yelling at my kids before. To stop myself, I remind myself that it is just WRONG. The logical part, the part where I think about it and do what I can to keep myself from getting to that point, works well in certain situations. Other times, I've had to just tell myself that it isn't an option because it is abusive and it is just plain WRONG. I think that's the first thing that someone has to accept before he or she will be open to committing to stoping the behavior, no matter what it is.

I agree -- especially with the bolded portion. I don't think anyone is suggesting that we should just all agree that hitting children is wrong or that it is akin to other domestic abuse and then stop focusing on the reality that many people hit, who wish to stop hitting. Or stop focusing on alternatives to hitting. I think that is what much of this forum is all about. We have this forum to promote gentle and non-violent discipline and to help those who hit/yell/shame/insert other harmful act to do better, to support one another, to find respectful alternatives. It seems to me that the vast majority of posts here do just that. I have gotten so much good advice here -- it is amazing.

But I absolutely agree with the above poster -- before we truly take a step toward changing a behavior, I think we must really appreciate just how wrong and harmful it is. If any sliver of us rationalizes it, that is the part of us that rears up when enraged and commits the act. So to me, the starting point is to embrace that hitting little ones is wrong. Period. No matter what. So to have threads that discuss the harm of violence (rather than rationalize it) is very beneficial, IMO. The occasional thread that reiterates the harm of hitting -- especially in this culture where hitting is so common -- is, in fact, an important component of this forum, I think.

[Mothra]

I want to say, too, that it is very important for someone who wants to stop hitting their children, or any behavior, to identify what it is that brings out that particular behavior. In this case, it's hitting their child/ren. I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about that, because that's a crucial step in solving the problem. But what I have seen here and on other message boards and in RL discussions about this is a tendency to get stuck on the why's before it has been decided that absolutely, under no circumstances, ever should a child be hit. For me, that's the problem. The why's coming before the decision to not hit has really been committed to.