My spirited daughter will turn four in February. I hate calling her 'spirited' or 'difficult' but there is no escaping the fact that things have always felt 'hard' with Ella. And writing that sentence is 'hard' too. I am concerned that sentences like that – and that posts like this – reflect so negatively on her. For that reason I feel I need to say up front just how wonderful I think she is, and how much I enjoy our happy times together. The fact is, it is increasingly apparent that she's not very happy a lot of the time.
I think that up until recently we've all managed reasonably well. There would be a number of things that we struggle with on a day to day basis but mostly, we got through without too much drama. Reading 'Raising your spirited child' was very helpful. It helped me to identify that she is extremely intense, persistent and sensitive (as am I). She also has a very strong negative first reaction to anything new. My partner and I have been working hard to see these qualities in a positive light and, over time, have learned different tactics to help get us through the days. We have bad days of course but we also have some really good ones – which are very very encouraging!
However, over the past ten months the balance has definitely shifted from bad some of the time to bad a lot of the time. In particular, we have a persistent problem that we just can't seem to resolve. She can't seem to release herself from a particular mood, to get over things. Once she's started down a particular path we can't get her to stop. It's one of those awful 'lose-lose' situations.
For example, if she falls over and hurts her knee she doesn't just cry for a few minutes and get on with it. She cries for a few *hours* and then refuses to walk anywhere for the rest of the day. She cries every time she looks at the sore knee and can't have a bath for three to four days. It makes her miserable and we seem unable to help her through it. She consistently lets small things like this get in the way of her happiness.
On a daily basis she cries a great deal about small things and simply refuses to stop crying. She'll ask for a biscuit before dinner. I'll say she can have a biscuit after dinner and she starts crying. And keeps going. And going. Half an hour passes, then an hour, sometimes even two hours – dinner is long over and yet she refuses to eat anything, the biscuit has been offered to her in desperation but it too has been rejected. She won't let us comfort her – we try and hold her and she collapses to the ground, kicking and punching. The only thing that makes her stop is giving her a dummy.
Well just give her the damn dummy you say? Well now here's a whole other story. She has been very dummy fixated from an early age. When she was about 30 months old we succeeded in getting her to have her dummy only at night time and nap time. It worked reasonably well for a while but since these intense bouts of crying have started we have taken to giving her the dummy as a desperate measure to make her stop crying. Probably not a wise thing to do, I know, but it was the only thing that would make her stop.
After a while I began to suspect that she was deliberately throwing tantrums as a way of getting the dummy so I decided we needed to take action. Seeing as the dummy seemed to be her only coping mechanism I decided to relax access to it. We moved a big comfy armchair into her room, tied the dummy onto a piece of ribbon and attached it to the chair. We put a small table beside the chair on which we put her favourite books and we moved a portable cd player into her room with a cd of relaxing classical music. We explained that this would be the 'dummy chair'. A place where she could sit and relax and have her dummy whenever she felt like it.
She loved the idea at first but then she just flipped. She now pretty much refuses to sit on the chair and have her dummy. And when she's having one of her crying episodes she outright *refuses* to put the dummy in her mouth. I can't tell you how crazy it feels to be wrestling with a crying four year old *trying* to get her to put the dummy in her mouth. It's almost as though wanting to control when she has the dummy is more important than the dummy itself.
Now that she won't have the dummy we actually have no way to make her stop crying. We need some ideas on how to break this cycle of despair. I am very reluctant to take her to see a psychologist but I feel as though this is where it's headed. It's heartbreaking to have her feeling so miserable for such long stretches of time.
As for me, the more she cries, the more upset and angry I get, making it more and more difficult for me to deal with the situation in a compassionate, rational way. The more angry I feel, the more guilty I get. I have another chilld (18 months old) and I hate that he is being exposed to the noise and drama and truthfully, I'm fearful that he will learn to act in the same way.
If anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them. We need strategies for a) helping her cope with everyday obstacles, b) helping her escape from this cycle of constant crying, and c) the dummy. What happens with the dummy now?
This is such a long post I know. If you've read this far I thank you so much for your time!
I think that up until recently we've all managed reasonably well. There would be a number of things that we struggle with on a day to day basis but mostly, we got through without too much drama. Reading 'Raising your spirited child' was very helpful. It helped me to identify that she is extremely intense, persistent and sensitive (as am I). She also has a very strong negative first reaction to anything new. My partner and I have been working hard to see these qualities in a positive light and, over time, have learned different tactics to help get us through the days. We have bad days of course but we also have some really good ones – which are very very encouraging!
However, over the past ten months the balance has definitely shifted from bad some of the time to bad a lot of the time. In particular, we have a persistent problem that we just can't seem to resolve. She can't seem to release herself from a particular mood, to get over things. Once she's started down a particular path we can't get her to stop. It's one of those awful 'lose-lose' situations.
For example, if she falls over and hurts her knee she doesn't just cry for a few minutes and get on with it. She cries for a few *hours* and then refuses to walk anywhere for the rest of the day. She cries every time she looks at the sore knee and can't have a bath for three to four days. It makes her miserable and we seem unable to help her through it. She consistently lets small things like this get in the way of her happiness.
On a daily basis she cries a great deal about small things and simply refuses to stop crying. She'll ask for a biscuit before dinner. I'll say she can have a biscuit after dinner and she starts crying. And keeps going. And going. Half an hour passes, then an hour, sometimes even two hours – dinner is long over and yet she refuses to eat anything, the biscuit has been offered to her in desperation but it too has been rejected. She won't let us comfort her – we try and hold her and she collapses to the ground, kicking and punching. The only thing that makes her stop is giving her a dummy.
Well just give her the damn dummy you say? Well now here's a whole other story. She has been very dummy fixated from an early age. When she was about 30 months old we succeeded in getting her to have her dummy only at night time and nap time. It worked reasonably well for a while but since these intense bouts of crying have started we have taken to giving her the dummy as a desperate measure to make her stop crying. Probably not a wise thing to do, I know, but it was the only thing that would make her stop.
After a while I began to suspect that she was deliberately throwing tantrums as a way of getting the dummy so I decided we needed to take action. Seeing as the dummy seemed to be her only coping mechanism I decided to relax access to it. We moved a big comfy armchair into her room, tied the dummy onto a piece of ribbon and attached it to the chair. We put a small table beside the chair on which we put her favourite books and we moved a portable cd player into her room with a cd of relaxing classical music. We explained that this would be the 'dummy chair'. A place where she could sit and relax and have her dummy whenever she felt like it.
She loved the idea at first but then she just flipped. She now pretty much refuses to sit on the chair and have her dummy. And when she's having one of her crying episodes she outright *refuses* to put the dummy in her mouth. I can't tell you how crazy it feels to be wrestling with a crying four year old *trying* to get her to put the dummy in her mouth. It's almost as though wanting to control when she has the dummy is more important than the dummy itself.
Now that she won't have the dummy we actually have no way to make her stop crying. We need some ideas on how to break this cycle of despair. I am very reluctant to take her to see a psychologist but I feel as though this is where it's headed. It's heartbreaking to have her feeling so miserable for such long stretches of time.
As for me, the more she cries, the more upset and angry I get, making it more and more difficult for me to deal with the situation in a compassionate, rational way. The more angry I feel, the more guilty I get. I have another chilld (18 months old) and I hate that he is being exposed to the noise and drama and truthfully, I'm fearful that he will learn to act in the same way.
If anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them. We need strategies for a) helping her cope with everyday obstacles, b) helping her escape from this cycle of constant crying, and c) the dummy. What happens with the dummy now?
This is such a long post I know. If you've read this far I thank you so much for your time!
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i make sure i tell her that i love her, all the time, and that i will love her no matter what, and forever. but she is not a cozy, easy person (what, did i want a puppy? 
