Have YOU ever hit a child? - Page 5

[rainbowmoon]

Originally Posted by BeBe123

I'm shocked by the number of votes for - spanking is sometimes an acceptable form of discipline!

I wouldn't have expected from this board.

I know I can't believe it either! :

if it's asasault/battery for an adult to hit another adult why not for the adult that hits a kid? I can't see anything of value it is teaching. and I also can't wait until spanking is veiwed as a crime..I know, I know, wishful thinking but NO ONE deserves to be hit! NO ONE and not especially a CHILD!

[rharr!]

I picked number two as well:
It has been two years and I still feel so ashamed and sad. When Dd is older, I will tell her about it, and appologise.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Silvercrest79

Not a single post that I have read said hitting was okay. I guess I don't see your point.

I will digress... alas you are perfect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alison- )_( Momma to 3 : A- 9/00, K- 8/03, R- 3/06 (UR/HIE). . : : :

Get a grip.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by rainbowmoon

I know I can't believe it either! :

if it's asasault/battery for an adult to hit another adult why not for the adult that hits a kid? I can't see anything of value it is teaching. and I also can't wait until spanking is veiwed as a crime..I know, I know, wishful thinking but NO ONE deserves to be hit! NO ONE and not especially a CHILD!

[maminatural]

Marie, you may not spank or ever have spanked your kids and I salute you for that... in all sincerity. I wish I hadn't spanked my child ever...but you're sure good at passing judgement and instead of shedding some enlightenment on those of us who weren't privileged to be brought up in "spank free homes and yet be well disciplined" you turn people away and don't provide an opportunity to truly argue in an enlightened manner. That is my opinion. It just seems to me that you have your own anger issues to deal with... at least from the way you express yourself in your posts... I understand your position, I can appreciate how the ideal thing is NOT to spank or hit any child ever and find other ways to deal with a child who needs direction. But instead of providing your opinions you tend to accuse and put down instead of inform and educate.

Spanking out of control is beating... not spanking.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by maminatural

Marie, you may not spank or ever have spanked your kids and I salute you for that... in all sincerity. I wish I hadn't spanked my child ever...but you're sure good at passing judgement and instead of shedding some enlightenment on those of us who weren't privileged to be brought up in "spank free homes and yet be well disciplined" you turn people away and don't provide an opportunity to truly argue in an enlightened manner. That is my opinion. It just seems to me that you have your own anger issues to deal with... at least from the way you express yourself in your posts... I understand your position, I can appreciate how the ideal thing is NOT to spank or hit any child ever and find other ways to deal with a child who needs direction. But instead of providing your opinions you tend to accuse and put down instead of inform and educate.

Spanking out of control is beating... not spanking.

Are you kidding me? Have you read all my posts in this thread? I WAS spanked & I did, once, spank my son! I am not putting anyone down...I am simply confused as to how people can think putting their hands on another human to discipline is acceptable!

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by maminatural

Spanking out of control is beating... not spanking.

It's ALL hitting.

[Think of Winter]

I voted "no", but I have grabbed my ds's arm twice in anger and hurt him. I still feel awful about it.

[LizD]

Of course hitting is not ok. But the point some of us wish to make is that people f*** up, and that's ok too. T. Berry Brazelton answers the question, "Is spanking ever OK?" with, "Probably not, but we all do it." Obviously he doesn't mean literally all of us. But everyone snaps sometime, and lashes out, and does something they wouldn't ordinarily agree with, and that *ought* to keep us more compassionate and human and kind to one another, instead of making us *more* divisive and critical.

Get off your high horses, everyone. If it's not spanking, you're doing something wrong, believe me, whether it's spoiling, being too strict, shouting, never shouting, etc. Your kids will definitely think to themselves, "when I'm a parent I'll never do xyz."

In 1996 Mothering published a letter I wrote about how anyone who spanked was indeed abusive. I am awfully sorry I said that now. Not because I've hit, but because I realize now how incredibly offensive and hurtful that was. I've also realized that the kids I most admire, the kind where you say, "gosh, how do I get to be *that* family?" are all cesarean-born, bottle-fed, public-schooled, occasionally spanked and fed artificially colored food. And they're growing into fine adults who seek excellent careers, had wonderful adolescent transitions with plenty of mild rebellion, industrial music and mohawks, and are loving and compassionate citizens. While I have done things very differently, I have to accept that my way isn't always the best way for everyone else, and that we all need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. I *can't* compare my friends' kids who got an occasional thump on the tushie through a diaper to the child in our local ER with the brand of a clothes iron on her arm. We *must* accept that there are shades of grey. So I am hoist with my own petard- BOOM.

[jessjgh1]

I do know of parents that on ocassion will use a spanking and it does work for them because they're not angry when they do it

First reaction to this. Do you mean they are never angry when they spank... or most of the time? What about when they are angry? How would that work?

Second reaction.... the fact that a parent can be calm and collected and not angry while purposefully hurting a child is really quite disturbing and scary if you think about it.

What message does it send?

Jessica

[maminatural]

the fact that a parent can be calm and collected and not angry while purposefully hurting a child is really quite disturbing and scary if you think about it.

Jessica, can't argue with you there... I guess in the end what I mean is I can't really judge them for having their own way to deal with discipline, especially when many of my own peers have done just fine regardless of their spankings growing up... BUT, LizD put it best in her last post!

[Dinosaur_Mommy]

Originally Posted by LizD

While I have done things very differently, I have to accept that my way isn't always the best way for everyone else, and that we all need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.

Wow, Liz! You are so cool! Thanks for the most rational thing I had heard on MDC since joining earlier this month. After being flamed for vaxing my kids, called an "unattached" mom for giving DS a paci, and generally being made to feel guilty for not living up to the standard here, I finally realize that a lot of the other mamas here aren't "Perfect" either.

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by LizD

I *can't* compare my friends' kids who got an occasional thump on the tushie through a diaper

I have to tell you, respectfully, that cutesying up hitting in this way is very disturbing. Your friends aren't "thumping" or "popping" or "bopping" or "tapping" their kid's "tushies," "bottoms," etc; they're striking their babies on their buttocks. I don't care if they have a diaper on or not - that seems to be another defense of hitting children - "she has a diaper on!" So what? I don't understand what part of "don't hit babies" is somehow mitigated by what they're wearing (it hurts LESS - so that means it hurts SOME - you're [general you] willing to cause some pain to your child at all? Wow, I'm not) or by changing the words to something more palatable.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by LizD

While I have done things very differently, I have to accept that my way isn't always the best way for everyone else, and that we all need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.

Why? When does it become okay to worry about what someone else is doing? I believe that we should be forgiving of and compassionate about one another's flaws, but this "keep your nose out of everyone's business" when it comes to hitting children - why should that be the party line?

Children don't deserve to be hit, even if it's just an occasional "thumping on the padded tushie," or whatever. It should be a concern for everyone when they are. Does that mean that they should be taken from their homes or that parents should be tossed in the bin for it? Of course not. But the mindset that it's okay to hit the children who are vulnerable and in our care has to change. The only way that happens is for everyone to worry about it.

Yes, we all screw up. We could all do things better. The problem is that there are way too many people who think that hitting children is fine and dandy. You don't change that by turning a blind eye.

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by MamaWindmill

I have to tell you, respectfully, that cutesying up hitting in this way is very disturbing. Your friends aren't "thumping" or "popping" or "bopping" or "tapping" their kid's "tushies," "bottoms," etc; they're striking their babies on their buttocks. I don't care if they have a diaper on or not - that seems to be another defense of hitting children - "she has a diaper on!" So what? I don't understand what part of "don't hit babies" is somehow mitigated by what they're wearing (it hurts LESS - so that means it hurts SOME - you're [general you] willing to cause some pain to your child at all? Wow, I'm not) or by changing the words to something more palatable.

There's so much arguing over language on this thread/board. I think focusing on that trivalizes the conversation. I knew what she meant when she said "thump". You have to hit to cause a thump, so obviously the child was hit. I'm willing to bet everyone on here is capable of understanding that.

~Nay

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by AntoninBeGonin

There's so much arguing over language on this thread/board. I think focusing on that trivalizes the conversation. I knew what she meant when she said "thump". You have to hit to cause a thump, so obviously the child was hit. I'm willing to bet everyone on here is capable of understanding that.

~Nay

My point wasn't in clarifying what happened. My point is that by using "cute" terms to describe violence, you trivialize what is happening.

[antannie]

hmmmm. 3 times. Once I was barely an adult and I was babysitting and the kid ran into traffic and I grabbed her by her jacket hood and yelled and slapped her all at the same time and then we both cried.

Once when my niece put the dogs in danger I smacked her bum and then I felt so bad. Even worse when I discovered that she didn't disobey, she didn't hear because of a ranging ear infection and hearing loss. I swore it would never happen again but when she was a teenager (or rather her evil twin was) and was living with me with no help financial or otherwise from her parents, while she was screaming in my face I slapped her. And yes I did feel terrible and called the Help Line for Children and told them I needed help and they were totally unhelpful. Treated me very badly and that is not what I needed. I told them I was wrong when I called and needed some help to cope and they offered me NOTHING. but the next day I got her and I into counselling. It took her a long time to forgive me.

I didn't believe in corporal punishement of any sort but that is how I was raised. Bare bum, wooden spoon, real over the knee spankings. I think it is not good enough to just want to parent differently than your parents, you need to learn how to replace the behaviour because if you don't then you are at risk to parent like they do when under high stress. I got counselling and am very resolved about my childhood. I do believe my parents did what they thought was the best thing and it was certainly considered normal then. The school spanked and gave the strap too!

Now I am a confident parent. My 12 year old hormonely charged daughter is very challenging at times and I know I would,will NEVER hurt her.

[LizD]

Originally Posted by MamaWindmill

My point wasn't in clarifying what happened. My point is that by using "cute" terms to describe violence, you trivialize what is happening.

Oh, yes, trivializing hitting. That's exactly what I meant. : This is the very reason thoughtful discussion grows impossible. Rather than become so intolerant we drive people away from a more gentle philosophy altogether, it's exactly people who are drawn to attachment parenting who *should* be discussing this. Just the same way LLL will tell a mother who calls the best way to wean her baby, if that's what she wants or needs to do. The LLL leader would prefer the woman not wean, of course, but she's not supposed to turn her away. She's supposed to provide information on the best way to do it for the child's age. I realize there is no "best way" to hit a child, but since so many people confess to doing it, even while they are damning others who do so, there should be a place for discussion and support. As well as acceptance that we are all doing our best. And some kids whose parents do everything "wrong" will turn out "better" than ours.

[georgia]

I need to temporarily close this thread to new posts so we can review the responses to ensure the Forum Guidelines are being upheld. If you're considering responding when the thread is opened back up, please take a moment to review the Forum Guidelines:

Welcome to Gentle Discipline. This forum has a specific aim: to help parents learn and apply gentle discipline methods in raising their children.

Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger- as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara

Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.

Please feel free to discuss your problems and needs with the intent to learn more about Gentle Discipline.

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