Defiance and the 2 year old

[JayGee]

I guess I was lucky with DS, because he was always a very compliant child. Ask him not to do something, do some gentle redirection, and all was well. DD is proving to be more of a handful . She is just so outright defiant about so many things.

For example, she and her brother made a giant pile of sofa cushions in the middle of the livingroom tonight and were taking turns jumping into the pile. Big fun for everyone, until she decides to lay in the middle of the pile and not move. I ask her to move so her brother can have his turn. I tell her to move or I will end the game. Finally, I have to go over, physically pick her up from the pile of pillows and stop the play. DS was, rightfully, angry that he wasn't allowed to play anymore since he hadn't done anything wrong. DD threw a brief tantrum and moved on to something else.

Example 2 ~ today she was playing the game Sequence with me and her brother. She was putting the checkers into her mouth and I asked her to take them out. She looked me right in the eye and put another one in :.

Final example ~ I'm nursing the baby, so I'm relatively incapacitated. She walks over to the block city DS has been constructing for an hour and knocks a piece off it, then another. I tell her, sternly, to stop touching DS's city, that he worked hard on it. She looked right at me, smiled, and said, "Make me!" just before smashing the entire thing! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I know defiant behavior is normal in 2-3 year olds, but I'm really having a hard time coming up with gentle, yet effective ways to get through this.

Ideas?

[boobjuice]

I personally use "Magic 1,2,3" , although I don't use TO as a punishment tool, I use it as a redirection/cool down tool. But after reading some of the GD post, it seems that TO's are a no-no. I also bought a rebounder that I give a choice to my ds of either a TO or to bounce for 1 minute, and he chooses. He has sensory issues, so it is great for him.

[mamaduck]

First, I would strike the word defiance from your vocab! Its never a helpful way to frame behavior. Viewing a behavior as defiant sets you up to work on opposite teams. You want to find common ground on the same team.

Part of the reason that this behavior is new relates to the fact that you have sibling issues now. Your dd's temperment probably plays a role, but sibling issues are HUGE, and influence temperment as well.

Sibling issues are the hardest behavior issues for me to handle. I can handle a lot of things, but when my kids are unkind or unfair to each other, its really hard for me to know what to do or how to handle it. And I get very angry.

One thing I did when I had a toddler and a preschooler at the same time, was to establish certain places where the older one could go to play uninterupted. Something like building a block tower would have happened either at the kitchen table, or in his bedroom with the door shut.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by JayGee

I guess I was lucky with DS, because he was always a very compliant child. Ask him not to do something, do some gentle redirection, and all was well. DD is proving to be more of a handful . She is just so outright defiant about so many things.

For example, she and her brother made a giant pile of sofa cushions in the middle of the livingroom tonight and were taking turns jumping into the pile. Big fun for everyone, until she decides to lay in the middle of the pile and not move. I ask her to move so her brother can have his turn. I tell her to move or I will end the game. Finally, I have to go over, physically pick her up from the pile of pillows and stop the play. DS was, rightfully, angry that he wasn't allowed to play anymore since he hadn't done anything wrong. DD threw a brief tantrum and moved on to something else.

Example 2 ~ today she was playing the game Sequence with me and her brother. She was putting the checkers into her mouth and I asked her to take them out. She looked me right in the eye and put another one in :.

Final example ~ I'm nursing the baby, so I'm relatively incapacitated. She walks over to the block city DS has been constructing for an hour and knocks a piece off it, then another. I tell her, sternly, to stop touching DS's city, that he worked hard on it. She looked right at me, smiled, and said, "Make me!" just before smashing the entire thing! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I know defiant behavior is normal in 2-3 year olds, but I'm really having a hard time coming up with gentle, yet effective ways to get through this.

Ideas?

I too would not focus on "defiance."

At this age, the full understanding that SHE controls her own actions rather than you is thrilling and amusing to her.

You WILL need to physially move her sometimes (gently) if there is danger or remove things from her to prevent her harming herself.

If your attitude is not annoyance (Try NOT to think like this but rather a bored "I will help you if you won't do it yourself" you will be engaging her a great deal less and making for much less of a power struggle.


With respect to the issues with her brother, why are you even getting involved? He's FIVE right? In the example with the game, If she doesn't give him a turn he will soon be annoyed with him and stop playing. Your intervention is simply and utterly uncesscary. Let them work these out.

As far as his block building goes, I would take her somewhere with you when you nurse if possible so that she can't get into his stuff. To the extent that it does happen, I would pull her aside (not in front of her brother) and say "Your brother worked hard to make that. It was wrong of you to knock it down. I expect you to not do that in the future)..... And I'd talk to him privately commisserating on how having a little sister can be a BIG PAIN.

[JayGee]

Originally Posted by maya44

With respect to the issues with her brother, why are you even getting involved? He's FIVE right? In the example with the game, If she doesn't give him a turn he will soon be annoyed with him and stop playing. Your intervention is simply and utterly uncesscary. Let them work these out.

Thank you to all who responded. I do need to stop looking at her behavior as "defiant". Thank you for the above quote, Maya44. You're so right. I need to not get involved with their squabbles. I have a tendancy to try to jump into their fights, and now my DS expects Mama to come and "fix it" when DD starts with him. A vicious cycle I think. Time to reread Siblings Without Rivalry!

[lolar2]

I wouldn't give a child under three access to Sequence and other games with small parts-- they are just TOO tempting to put in the mouth and are a choking hazard.