afraid of failing at homebirth again *successful homebirth update in post #32!*

[riversong]

I am due in two weeks and starting to get really nervous about having another hospital transfer. With my first birth, I transferred to the hospital after 4 hours of pushing (17 hours of labor total.) I tried pushing in every possible place and position and just couldn't get my dd under my pubic bone. After getting to the hospital, I pushed for another 3 hours and then had a vacuum delivery. It still makes me so sad thinking about it. If it happens again I'm going to be so depressed. Everyone keeps telling me that it won't happen again and that second births are so much easier, but the fear keeps creeping in. My current attitude is not going to help, but I'm having trouble getting out of a funk when I think about it.

Any words of wisdom from people who've been through a transfer and then a successful homebirth would be much appreciated. Heck, any words of wisdom at all would be appreciated!

[ValarieR]

:)

First of all, I noticed the word "failed" in your post title. You didn't fail! You did the best you coud to gently birth your child! You worked hard through several hours of pushing- you did YOUR VERY BEST!!!!!!

No one knows what will happen this time, but as long as you do everything you can, you should feel proud- no matter what happens

You can do this!

~Valarie~

[alegna]

fwiw I pushed for over 6 hours (31 hours of labor total) and had dd at home successfully. Trust your body!

-Angela

[mamaverdi]

Do you have a different midwife? No midwife?

Have you thought about what emotional issues at the time might have kept you from pushing your baby out?

[pigpokey]

Were you given a quiet, safe, uncrowded, unobserved space to labor in so that your body could finish its work and you could experience a fetal ejection reflex?

Or were you told you were complete and could/to start pushing?

Or ??? Need more info on first birth.

[riversong]

Originally Posted by mamaverdi

Do you have a different midwife? No midwife?

Have you thought about what emotional issues at the time might have kept you from pushing your baby out?

I have the same midwife and I really like her.

I have thought about the emotional issues and I really can't figure out what might've been holding me back. That's the worst part. If it was an emotional thing, I can't tap into it.

[riversong]

Originally Posted by pigpokey

Were you given a quiet, safe, uncrowded, unobserved space to labor in so that your body could finish its work and you could experience a fetal ejection reflex?

Or were you told you were complete and could/to start pushing?

Or ??? Need more info on first birth.

No. I was with my midwife, her assistant, my friend and my dh. At times I was alone with dh at my midwife's suggestion.

I was told I was complete and could start pushing, but I realized that I had started on my own before being told. I had an anterior lip that my mw held back until it was out of the way and then I just pushed and pushed after that.

I was in pain in between contractions and that wore me out. I had a burning, pinching pain right in the front of my abdomen over my pubic bone. I thought it was my bladder getting in the way and I asked to be catheterized, but it didn't help. I think it was just the way dd's head was positioned.

I'm feeling like maybe I need to be alone more in this labor instead of being watched by everyone. Last time I wanted people around.

[chantald]

I can feel for you and understand.. I "failed" at my second delivery attempt and am terrified it will happen again.. I am trying really hard to envision my birth.. and stay positive...

hugs and best wishes to you

[the_lissa]

I had the same fear after my hospital transfer. The biggest part for me was working through the failure part. Once I accepted that my body didn't fail me, I didn't fail, that I did the best I could with the situation, then I was okay.

I went on to have a beautiful, successful home birth.

PM if you feel like talking and good luck.

[georgannemomof6]

This is why I'm against cervical checks!LOL! Just because you are 10 cms, or "complete", doesn't mean you should or have to start pushing! I have absolutely no clue if/when I reached 10 cms with my last baby, in fact I never really pushed much at all! I would advise you to totally listen to your body, NOT the mw(unless there is an emergency!lol!) And when you *do* feel like pushing, it needn't be an eye-bulging, hold your breath and burst a vessle type of push, either (causing swelling, and actually can slow baby's descent)!
The very best mw's are those that are quiet, out of the way, and are very observent!

If a zoo keeper can allow a gorilla to go off and birth alone, why can't we do the same for human women?!

[laohaire]

I know a couple of posts in this thread seem to suggest that you could have done it if you had just... trusted in your body, or whatever.

The vast majority of births don't require any intervention, but some do. It sounds like maybe yours was one that needed some help that time.

I do, however, seriously doubt that what happened for your first birth would be repeated. I see no reason why you couldn't deliver at home this time.

ETA: The reason I said that maybe your birth needed some help is, because I personally would feel more like a failure to be told that I could have done it if I hadn't done XYZ... as opposed to coming to terms that sometimes you just need help. Sometimes you do.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by georgannemomof6

This is why I'm against cervical checks!LOL! Just because you are 10 cms, or "complete", doesn't mean you should or have to start pushing! I have absolutely no clue if/when I reached 10 cms with my last baby, in fact I never really pushed much at all! I would advise you to totally listen to your body, NOT the mw(unless there is an emergency!lol!) And when you *do* feel like pushing, it needn't be an eye-bulging, hold your breath and burst a vessle type of push, either (causing swelling, and actually can slow baby's descent)!
The very best mw's are those that are quiet, out of the way, and are very observent!

I didn't have cervical checks either (mw was "late") and never pushed with #2.

[georgannemomof6]

"The reason I said that maybe your birth needed some help is, because I personally would feel more like a failure to be told that I could have done it if I hadn't done XYZ... as opposed to coming to terms that sometimes you just need help. Sometimes you do."


I agree!I apologize if I sounded like I was blaming her for "not trusting her body", that wasn't my intention! I guess I was trying to show how "helpers" (mw's, dh's, friends, etc) can actually hinder labor!
hth, ~g

[witchbaby]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I know a couple of posts in this thread seem to suggest that you could have done it if you had just... trusted in your body, or whatever.

The vast majority of births don't require any intervention, but some do. It sounds like maybe yours was one that needed some help that time.

I do, however, seriously doubt that what happened for your first birth would be repeated. I see no reason why you couldn't deliver at home this time.

ETA: The reason I said that maybe your birth needed some help is, because I personally would feel more like a failure to be told that I could have done it if I hadn't done XYZ... as opposed to coming to terms that sometimes you just need help. Sometimes you do.

thanks for saying that, mama. i'm not the op, but i've struggled coming to terms with my hospital transfer with m. i was in labor for more than 24 hours (i was in transition for literally 12 hours, soooooooooo much fun let me tell you) and my contractions were regular and strong. my cervix wouldn't budge past 2cm. i hadn't slept in 2 days by then and ended up getting an epidural at the hospital just so i could finally rest. i did get my vbac, but felt like a failure for needing the epidural. i've been trying to come to terms with the fact that some labors and births DO need help and it's not shameful to do all i could and finally come to the descion for intervention. hearing it from other people helps, honestly.

[storychick]

First off, I too want to say you *did not fail* -- things that are unforeseen happen and you did what you needed to do to keeo yourself and your baby safe. Childbirth is not foolproof no matter how much we plan!

I too pushed for a very long time with my first, and was petrified it would happen again. My second basically fell out ... classic fetal ejection reflex. It was a completely different experience, she pushed herself out and I didnt add to it at all except a little for her shoulders. It could not have been more different than the painful unproductive pushing I did with DS. I too could not find emotional reasons... I had back labor and I really think he just had to get himself into a better position. I was pushing as hard as I possibly could, my body was absolutely heaving, it hurt like hell... I was definitely not holding back. I was no hindered, my MW left us alone, I was reassured but not told to push, I pushed when my body told me too... there was and is no good explanation. It just happened.

But each birth is different. You will be okay. Its hard to trust your body when it seems like it didnt do what you wanted it to the first time, but it will be okay. {{hugs}}

[SaraC]

I know how you feel. With my first DD I pushed for 10 hours(30 hour labor) at home before we made the call to transport. I delivered vaginally with the help of a vacuum. It was very hard to come to terms with and I was very afraid of my next birth ending up the same way. I gave birth to my second DD at a free standing birth center 1 1/2 hours from my home(moved from first birthplace and no homebirth midwives). That birth was shorter but I did have a small freak out with it came time to push. It wasn't really obvious to everyone but I was very scared to push b/c I was so afraid it would end up like the last time. DD #2 was born after about 17 minutes of pushing. I am pregnant again and planning a home birth. I realize that this time pushing might not be as short as last time but I know that I CAN give birth without any intervention and that makes a huge difference in my ability to let go of my fears.

[riversong]

Thanks for all of your advice and different perspectives. Yeah, I know I didn't really fail. I tried really hard and then got help when I was too exhausted to try anymore. She was a little crooked in my pelvis and maybe that was the whole reason why I couldn't push her the last bit.

I know I did too much thinking the first time and this time I'm going to try to stay in my body instead of my head.

[riversong]

Originally Posted by SaraC

I know how you feel. With my first DD I pushed for 10 hours(30 hour labor) at home before we made the call to transport. I delivered vaginally with the help of a vacuum. It was very hard to come to terms with and I was very afraid of my next birth ending up the same way. I gave birth to my second DD at a free standing birth center 1 1/2 hours from my home(moved from first birthplace and no homebirth midwives). That birth was shorter but I did have a small freak out with it came time to push. It wasn't really obvious to everyone but I was very scared to push b/c I was so afraid it would end up like the last time. DD #2 was born after about 17 minutes of pushing. I am pregnant again and planning a home birth. I realize that this time pushing might not be as short as last time but I know that I CAN give birth without any intervention and that makes a huge difference in my ability to let go of my fears.

It is so good to hear that your second pushing experience was vastly different from the first! Best wishes with your next birth.

[mamamilkers]

I had a hospital transfer (from a birth center) with my first and was so absolutely terrified of it happening again that I decided I should just have my second in the hospital and avoid the transfer trouble all together. Well, then I sat on it, and thought about it, and talked to people, and I decided that the second time I actually wanted a homebirth. When I was in labor I wasn't even totally convinced that I could do it (have my baby at home, that is). It wasn't until my baby was on my chest that I finally realized that I could-- and DID!-- do it!

Did your mw give you any stastics? They helped me. She said that almost 20% of first time mamas are transferred and that 1% of second time mamas are transferred, and even then a huge amount of the time it's for reasons that are medically necessary.

You CAN have your baby at home. Just because you couldn't the first time doesn't mean you can't now. It WILL be different. Not that everyone's labors are like mine, but I had a looonnnngggg drawn out labor with my first, it was awful, the second no one knew I was really even in labor until I hit transition and my sweet DD was born two hours later. It was so different. Worlds different. I hear these kinds of stories time and time again.

Mama, I can do nothing but let you know that you absolutely can do it this time. Last time was last time, this time is totally different and the odds are MUCH greater that you will get your homebirth!

to you!

[riversong]

Originally Posted by mamamilkers

Mama, I can do nothing but let you know that you absolutely can do it this time. Last time was last time, this time is totally different and the odds are MUCH greater that you will get your homebirth!

to you!

Thanks for your story and your encouragement. It's good to hear about your sucessful homebirth.