AAAACK! One year old tantrums!

[Kavita]

DD just turned one and for the last month or so has really started having tantrums. She has no patience for anything she doesn't like. She expresses this through loud screeching when she is displeased, or when she wants something. Also, she will have a total fit and throw herself backwards if something happens that she doesn't want--for example, if I hand her to her dad when she wants to stay with me, try to put her in the carseat when she doesn't want to be in it, try to change her diaper when she isn't in the mood, or if I try to put her down when she wants to be carried. And yes, I DO need to put her down once in a while--holding/carrying her 24/7 isn't an option for me at this point! I do carry her a lot and wear her, but sometimes a person needs to use the bathroom--and she doesn't even want me to do that!! She will have a fit if I put her down, and have a fit if I hold her and try to use the toilet! She's not walking yet--crusing all over but not even free-standing for more than a second, so I wonder if she's partly frustrated at this stage . . . .

She is signing a bit and sometimes I can redirect her to sign to ask for what she wants instead of screeching, or whisper to her to please use her quiet voice, and sometimes she will respond to that. In terms of the hurling herself backwards, she has actually cracked her head really good a couple of times on the floor, a doorway, the table, and once on daddy's lip. Right now I'm focusing on just trying to keep her from hurting herself when she does this, but I have to say that I am feeling somewhat at a loss as to how to handle this behavior in a one year old! Partly I feel bad too because I feel embarassed taking her out in public--she screams like a banshee and everyone turns around to look, and I don't know exactly how to deal with it! On one hand, I feel like, she's a baby and she can't be expected to have perfect adult behavior!!! On the other hand, I am sometimes feeling a little tyrranized, and i also don't want to teach her that screaming at me is the way to get whatever she wants! I also don't see my friends' babies around her age doing that much of this, and so am feeling a bit alone and at sea in figuring out how to deal with this. Not sure if this is typical behavior for her age or if there is something else going on. I am trying to make sure that she gets nursed frequently plus at least a little snack of solids every couple of hours so that she doesn't get low blood sugar, and I am also trying to make sure that she gets decent sleep at naps and nighttime and doesn't get overtired.

Anyone else dealt with this in a one year old, and how did you deal with it?

[katallen]

I suggest getting very comfortable with emotions and using self talk to ignore the reaction of other people to your child's need to express herself. Some people have pressing emotions that they have to get out and if you are uncomfortable with emotions it is going to make life hard for both of you. Also be sure to follow what her body language is telling you, if she calms when you hold her and talk to her then do that, if she gets worse put her down and let her know you are still there, if she seems to not want to be looked at or talked to then just sit in the room she is in and let her express herself. There is not much you can do to stop strong emotions other than try to prevent triggers and get comfortable with them.

As for not wanting to teach her that a tantrum will get her what she wants be sure that it doesn't by not giving in when she tantrums. You don't have to be cold and uncaring about it though. she, it will take a long time for her to get used to expressing this in words and she will need comfort, patience, and modeling to help her get to that point. Make sure that she has all that she needs and that your answer is really no before you voice it, it may also help her to have a consistent and dependable routine and for things to be very consistent so she knows what is going to happen and when that you mean things. I have very strong emotions also and I know that when I have to deal with something unexpected and out of the routine I don't cope well, I get tense and have a hard time voicing it and that is when I tend to blow.

[dawn1221]

You sure my child hasn't been visiting your house lately?

I am curious to see what other moms have to say because I have the same problem. I try to be gentle but when DD fights every teeth brushing it gets difficult. I literally have to have my DH hold her arms while I open her mouth to brush her teeth. She used to love me to do it but when she figured out I would let her do it when I was done she wanted to be the only one doing it.

I give her bottles at night so she gets brushed often. I don't want her teeth to rot.

This morning she threw a fit because she didn't want nanna to take her to "school" she wanted me to do it. I had an early meeting so I didn't have a choice. I usually take her. Of course nanna (who disagrees with every way I parent) sdays to me "she does this because she knows she will get her way, she knows you will come running if she cries". I hate it when she acts like my child is the only one to ever throw a fit and it must be because I need to let her CIO or not Cosleep or respond to her needs.

Dawn
mommy to Samantha Jane
almost 1 (11/21/05)

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Kavita

Anyone else dealt with this in a one year old, and how did you deal with it?

This sounds like almost every one year old I've ever known! I wouldn't worry about it at all. It sounds like a very positive sign that she's figured out that she can:

a) Communicate with you!
b) Trust you to respond!
c) Safely voice her displeasure with what's happening without fearing any sort of negative retribution from you!

So it sounds like you're doing great. I'd try to verbalize things for her, and distraction should still work great. For example, "You don't want me to set you down, do you?!? But I have to go the bathroom, it will just take a minute. While I go, why don't you look at this book?"

[Qestia]

DS also started tantruming at 12 months and I actually thoguht there might be something wrong with him, since I didn't see any other babies acting that way. Now it's just part of our life! LOL.

ITA with the PP who suggested verbalizing for your child, that's what I do with DS. "I know you want to watch wonderpets, be held, help stir the pot of sauce, but you can't because you already watched two, I need both hands right now, you might burn yourself" etc.

It's a tricky transition but it's helped me to realize DS has a right to his emotions. If he wants to watch wonerpets all day and I won't let him it's okay for him to show me how upset that makes him. However, that doesn't mean that I have to give in and let him do things that are bad for him.

It's tricky because as infants it is right for us to do whatever we can to stop the crying--because the crying means they actually need something. I don't think we have the same obligation to stop toddlers from crying.

Does that make sense?

[Kavita]

Originally Posted by Qestia

It's tricky because as infants it is right for us to do whatever we can to stop the crying--because the crying means they actually need something. I don't think we have the same obligation to stop toddlers from crying.

Does that make sense?

That TOTALLY makes sense! I think that is part of my problem--I feel like she is used to getting responded to and getting what she needs/wants, but now her wants and needs are getting different and it is sort of challenging for me. I feel bad, I am having a hard time being patient and not just having a fit myself!!! Between her and some stressors in other parts of my life, I just feel like my patience and tolerance just run out at a certain point. And she just seems to be so OPINIONATED about certain things anymore--for example, she does NOT want me to take a shower, regardless. Today she was in her high chair happily munching on something and playing, I was moving around from kitchen to bathroom (the bathroom is right off the kitchen) and the other room. She was fine, until I turned on the shower--the second she heard the water she started screaming! I don't know what the issue is, but I feel like, I NEED a shower, darn it!! If I take her in the shower, she isn't always happy with that. And if she is playing on the floor when she hears me get into the shower she now comes into the bathroom and pulls up on the edge of the bathtub and pulls back the shower curtain and cries and screams at me! Lately instead of feeling connected and compassionate with her, I am just feeling irritated and then like a mean and impatient mom. I am just not enjoying motherhood as much in this stage as I was before--I am feeling a bit at sea with how to handle her and her behavior, and it's making me feel generally incompetent and like a bad mom!