He's so mean!

[seren]

I'm so frustrated! I don't even know what to do with ds. He is 3 1/2. He is so mean to his sisters, especially to 18 month dd. If he is watching tv and she's in his way he picks her up, turns and drops her on the floor. He hits her, kicks her, pushes her off my bed,etc. He is just really mean to her. We put him on time out, put him in the corner, gave him attention just one on one, dh even spanked him once. Nothing seems to phase him. I asked him why he was being mean and he said he wants to be like Uncle Joshey, my 11 year old brother, but Josh isn't mean. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Please anyone have any advice?

[Roar]

In your post I'm hearing a lot of negative but not a lot of teaching. "Mean" is a really vague term and I'm not sure it does a lot other than make him feel bad about himself. If you are the "mean" kid then what is the reason to do something else.

I would focus instead of specific behaviors. What can he do when he's upset instead of hitting? What other options does he have? How can you help encourage him to find those options and notice when does? What can you do to notice he's getting upset before it reaches the stage of hitting? What words does he have to resolve conflicts? Is he getting enough attention and how can he handle it when he doesn't feel like he is?

[sapphire_chan]

I'm also concerned that you haven't said what you've done to avert the behavior before it starts, just what you do afterwards. What have you tried?

[nextcommercial]

Maybe it isn't so much that he is mean, but more that he doesn't care how he makes his sisters feel.

Ive known kids who just don't seem to understand that their siblings are worth treating with respect. So, they just do whatever they want. It is possible that he doesn't have empathy for his sisters. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love them, he just assumes that they don't have the same feelings that he would have. He knows it isn't O.K to kick her, but he doesn't care about her feelings. He is obviously willing to risk a consequence for himself.

What you are doing, isn't working (clearly, or you wouldn't be asking) You could try to find a way to instill empathy, and caring into him. Find a way to let him know that it hurts her, and it hurts her the same way it would hurt him if someone were to kick him off of a bed. Ask him to imagine how it would feel if someone suddenly kicked him and he fell off the bed. Ask him if it hurts his sister when he does it. Three and a half year olds are smart. They understand more than we give them credit for.

When he does do something to her, pick her up immediately and let him see how it makes you feel. Have him help her. If he hurts her, he needs to help fix what he has done and help make her feel better.

Time out is a great tool when a child really needs to go chill out. But if it is "Go sit in a corner!!" that only makes the child mad at you. He isn't sitting in time out saying "I wish I hadn't done that" He is thinking "Mommy is a big ole meanie!!" You want him to stop feeling mean towards his sisters, not feel like he needs to avoid getting caught.

Good luck! I am dealing with this right now with a toddler. He even has an evil glimmer in his eye when he is doing something, or even plotting it! (it is slightly amusing)

[seren]

I'm not sure how to avert the behaviour. It's not that he does it when he's mad. He does it all the time, whether he is happy, sad, mad, etc, doesn't matter. There is not a warning that he's going to do it first. Right now in he's in a pretty good mood, but he's picking on Mady again. Taking toys from her, chasing her. Dh is talking to him. How can you distract a behaviour when there isn't a warning there will be a behaviour?

[4evermom]

It could be that he needs help getting and staying engaged in something. My ds hardly ever played alone at that age, and certainly did not have an overflow of empathy. He would do similar things as your ds (minus the siblings) because he was bored and had a great need for interaction. He would provoke interaction by such things as poking a dog that wasn't doing anything in order to make it do something, much like your ds pestering his sister.

He would also try to initiate play with other kids in similar ways. When he was only 21 months, he kept an older child playing with him by going over to her push toy and touching it everytime she stopped. Her sense of possessiveness made her start pushing it again, which is what he wanted, someone to push things around in a circle with him.

Anyway, I thought this might give a different possible perspective on your ds' behavior. You'll have to decide if it fits. I'm sure that others would have labeled my ds "mean" at times but the emotion behind that word was never there. He never did things because he was angry or wanted someone to be hurt so all the usual advice about encouraging kids to not hit was not applicable.

[kittn]

I know you said you haven't noticed anything that sets him off, but it's rare that it really is nothing. He may be like my ds, hard to read. It could also be that he has figured a way to get you and dad to drop everything. keep a running log of what he was doing before an incident as well as what you were doing, then name the incident, and your reactions. I can almost guarantee you will find a pattern somewhere.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by seren

I'm not sure how to avert the behaviour. It's not that he does it when he's mad. He does it all the time, whether he is happy, sad, mad, etc, doesn't matter. There is not a warning that he's going to do it first. Right now in he's in a pretty good mood, but he's picking on Mady again. Taking toys from her, chasing her. Dh is talking to him. How can you distract a behaviour when there isn't a warning there will be a behaviour?

I've gotten into this pattern with my similarly aged children, too. I get frustrated with my dd, I focus a lot on the negative, though I don't punish or use time-out, my dh does tell her she's being mean, and I sometimes tell her she's being a bully. And you're right, it doesn't really do much good to try and intercept the behavior or distract her.

The only thing I've found that really works is to try and foster good feelings between them, give her the skills to resolve the conflicts as they occur, and then stay out of it.

For example, in the TV watching example you gave, I would say, "Ds, you wanted your sister to move because she was in the way, but it hurt her when you dropped her. Instead of picking her up and dropping her, look her in the eyes and say, 'Move over!' or you can ask for my help." Well, actually, I wouldn't say that since my dd can't pick up her little brother since she only outweighs him by about 8 lbs.

Anyway, it's helped me a lot lately to approach every sibling "situation" as one where someone has something to learn, rather than someone is being "mean" or intentionally making life miserable. Either the little one needs a little more practice taking turns, or the older one needs practice using assertive words instead of her greater size and strength to get him to do what she wants or to get him to stay out of her stuff. And I also try to teach them ways they can play together, which is probably easier for you since you've already had two.

[seren]

Originally Posted by natensarah

I've gotten into this pattern with my similarly aged children, too. I get frustrated with my dd, I focus a lot on the negative, though I don't punish or use time-out, my dh does tell her she's being mean, and I sometimes tell her she's being a bully. And you're right, it doesn't really do much good to try and intercept the behavior or distract her.

The only thing I've found that really works is to try and foster good feelings between them, give her the skills to resolve the conflicts as they occur, and then stay out of it.

For example, in the TV watching example you gave, I would say, "Ds, you wanted your sister to move because she was in the way, but it hurt her when you dropped her. Instead of picking her up and dropping her, look her in the eyes and say, 'Move over!' or you can ask for my help." Well, actually, I wouldn't say that since my dd can't pick up her little brother since she only outweighs him by about 8 lbs.

Anyway, it's helped me a lot lately to approach every sibling "situation" as one where someone has something to learn, rather than someone is being "mean" or intentionally making life miserable. Either the little one needs a little more practice taking turns, or the older one needs practice using assertive words instead of her greater size and strength to get him to do what she wants or to get him to stay out of her stuff. And I also try to teach them ways they can play together, which is probably easier for you since you've already had two.

Thank you! This really helped me! Great ideas! THanks so much.