new here-3 dc need disipline advice & more-LONG

[LivingFate]

Hi I'm new here- this is a wonderful forum. I have a 3 yr old dd, ds will be 2 in dec, and a 2 mth old. Ever since my second dc came along my dd has always been very aggresive and hostile towards him. She is defiently a high spirited child, and I'm thinking my ds is as well as his personality is coming out more as he gets older. DD will bite, kick punch etc my ds. Sometimes for no reason- other times over toys or belongings. I have tried ignoring her and giving my son all the attention, saying NO biting hurts, time outs, nothing works. I've tried asking dd why she bit, hit etc and she says she don't like ds. A few times she has said I want to bite Daseon, and I have given her a stuffed toy to bite and said good job honey for expressing yourself. Using words helps mamma help you. I offer her a stuffed toy and tell her if she really needs to bite then to bite the toy. And ask her why she wanted to bite ds. But like I said she's only done that a handful of times. I always make her give ds a hug and kiss and apolize after her time out. She tends to "attack" my ds when I turn my back to do something. We can be in the same room and I'll turn my back to put a shirt in the dresser and she'll bite him or hit him with something. She has bitten me in the past although that has seem to settle down for the time being but she does not listen to me. I know part of that is because I've always been very easy going with rules and boundaries but thats because I was brought up never being able to do anything, feeling that I was in bootcamp all my life I guess I've gone the other extreme with my dc. I do not spank but lately I feel like all I do is yell, and it doesn't accomplish anything and makes me feel horrible.
I'm feeling guilty becuase I feel like I'm not spending enough time with my kids. My newborn is always nursing, and I try to wear him in a wrap as much as possible, but then I feel like my other 2 feel left out because they want to be worn too and I can't wear all 3, if I give my dd some attention my ds acts up, vs versa. I'm still trying to establish a schedule and routine with my newborn. I'm going out of my mind. I feel like I'm failing miserably as a mother.

I have Raising a spirited child by Mary S- can't remember the last name which I'm currently reading-any other book suggestions? How do mammas of close age multiples do it?

[AntoninBeGonin]

I'll try to answer tomorrow. Bedtime now.

~Nay

[mamaduck]

How do mammas of close age multiples do it?

I've always wondered that myself!!! I have two kids who are 4 years apart, and I still have a hard time keeping my cool many days. I don't think I could do what you are doing, and still resemble the mother I want to be.

I have a friend who has 3 kids under 4, and I know that she makes a lot of compromises and takes a lot of short cuts, just to survive and raise happy children. I don't blame her a bit! Things like -- extra tv and incentives (bribes,) that she probably wouldn't use if she lived by her ideals. KWIM? But the important thing is that MOST days they have are happy cheerful days, and she is sane.

I'm still trying to establish a schedule and routine with my newborn.

Can you let this effort go for awhile, and just relax? It sounds like its more of a drain than a help. My babies sidn't have anything resembling a schedule until 4 months. Did yours have routines earlier than that?

I'm feeling guilty becuase I feel like I'm not spending enough time with my kids. My newborn is always nursing, and I try to wear him in a wrap as much as possible, but then I feel like my other 2 feel left out because they want to be worn too and I can't wear all 3, if I give my dd some attention my ds acts up, vs versa. I'm still trying to establish a schedule and routine with my newborn. I'm going out of my mind. I feel like I'm failing miserably as a mother

Your expectations of yourself are very high here. When you expect so much of yourself, you set yourself up to fail. You are only 2 months post partum -- this is a "special" time for you. You deserve plenty of grace and space for working out the kinks and making mistakes. Its not your job to play with your kids, keep them entertained every second, etc... Its okay for them to have to meet some of their own needs.

Re: your dd -- Three is the hardest age in the entire world. Most of the strategy for getting by is just surviving it and moving on to the next stage! You sound like you are doing WONDERFULLY with her. I especially like the encouragement to express herself. The only thing I would drop is the part about making her apologize and hug her brother. That is not going to help, and may increase her hositility. What I might do is ask her to "check in" or "check on" him afterwards to make sure he is okay. If she wants to say "sorry," then fine -- but it shouldn't be compulsory. Forced apologizes do not carry much value for anyone involved.

I wonder if your dd might like to go to preschool for a couple hours a week? Maybe a 3 day a week 1/2 day program? I can imagine her enjoying the opportunity to go be with "big kids." It could be something special just for her.