The "funny quotes" thread...

[magpiedee]

Please add your funny quotes from DH, family and well-meaning strangers.

Last night was DH's first babysitting stint, 2 hours while I ran to work. I didn't call to check in, trying to honor his pride. After one hour, he called me with the following quotes spoken over Cleo's banshee wails in the background:

"Dear God in heaven, how on earth do you DO THIS all day??"
"What do you mean i'm supposed to hold her while I feed her?"
"Wait, so i'm supposed to hold her with one arm, feed her with the other and talk to her at the same time?"
"She doesn't want to put her pants back on..."
"I changed her, but there was nothing in the diaper. But it felt squishy. Oh, that was pee?"
"Talk to her? What am I supposed to say? I already said everything I could think of."

And that's just a sprinkling. It was hilarious! Apparently, i've got a husband to train. Poor guy. I came home half an hour early to find the baby happy as could be on the activity mat, so I turned around to go back and saw a look of horror on DH's face. "What if she does it again?" He said.

How bout y'all?

[cottontail]

That just made me chuckle hee hee hee!

Trying to think of a funny quote, surely I've got one for ya.....

[radiogirlgr]

LOL! That is so funny... He'll learn, don't worry. If my DH can do it, anyone can. I have some funny ones from my 3yo...

Me: Look, Jack, the sun is setting.
Jack: (Confused look on face) Where's his chair?

After finishing a dinnertime prayer...
Jack: In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Asparagus

I can't remember too many others, but sometimes if he gets hurt, I'll kiss him and say, 'Boy, that's a real doozy.' I ran into something the other day and as I was standing there rubbing my shin, he looked at me and said, 'Mama, was that a big doozy or a little doozy?'

Last night, DH was burping Spencer while I was cleaning the kitchen. Spencer spit up on him a little, and Jason came running in saying, "I think he's sick! He spit on me! It stinks!" I laughed and said, "No, he spits a little almost every time he eats, and yes it stinks, it smells like milk." LOL! He has also yet to give Spencer a bath-he says he's scared-and I believe him!

[SummerTwilight]

Wish I couldn't relate to these stories but I can! Can't think of any funny quotes though. But when Aria was 2 weeks old and dh was at the peak of exhaustion we were sleeping and Aria was sleeping on me. She started fussing and dh, who was sleeping with my stuffed duck (really comfy like a pillow) woke up saying "ssshhhhhh" and patting the duck on the back to soothe it. I had to wake him up and tell him I ad the baby.

[peilover010202]

My 3yo ds likes to tell everyone that will listen that "My baby brother chews on mommy's boobies."

Ahh, and now that E is biting down on my nips with his gums - can't wait to hear ds1 say something about E biting mommy's boobies...

[veganf]

These are great!

[JenMidwife]

laughup

[gossamer]

My husband stays home with the baby and the first day I went back to work, I called around noon for lunch to see how everyone was doing. He told me all about the bottles, the nap etc and I asked him how many wet diapers the baby went through. He said, "Oh My God. I have been so busy keeping him alive, I forgot to change his diaper."

Gossamer

[AmieV]

Originally Posted by SummerTwilight

She started fussing and dh, who was sleeping with my stuffed duck (really comfy like a pillow) woke up saying "ssshhhhhh" and patting the duck on the back to soothe it. I had to wake him up and tell him I ad the baby.

you would not BELIEVE how many times in the early days with DD1 DH would catch me half asleep on the couch trying to pat the dog to sleep. One time I was even moaning "Why are your eyes open???"

My parents watched both girls a few weeks ago and they were just horrified. They said they're not doing that again until they get older. It was only 2.5 hours!

[Bay Area Babe]

My husband got a kick out of these.

Usually he says likes like 'what do I do?!??!' with a pained look on his face. He's getting really good though at trying all of the tricks and is especially good at checking and changing the CDs.

I was at Old Navy shopping in the BOYS section wearing my 5 week son in a Moby wrap and a woman working there said to me: are you having a girl?

The next day I was at the dry cleaners pushing the wee one in a stroller (with the car seat on top so no hiding baby this time) and the clerk asked me when I would be having my baby.

That kind of reminds me of when I was maybe a week or so past our 'due date' at the gas station. This woman on the other side of the pump said to me 'how old is your baby?' nodding to my empty back facing car seat.

Who knows, maybe I will be having Irish twins since we're not using birth control right now...

[2 in August]

I don't have any as good as you mommas. Although my mil came up with a couple weird ones the other day. First of all we use a Haberman feeder to supplement ds due to some feeding issues. It only lets a little liquid in the nipple to force him to suck harder to get more. MIL said it wasn't fair to only give him such a tiny bit and make him work so hard for it. Then when his bottle runs out and he has to burp, he throws a huge fit. As soon as he burps, he's fine but sometimes it takes a couple min for him to burp. So mil says that he's got such a bad temper and how am I going to deal with 2 like that (dd is pretty opinionated and was a super high needs baby, this little guy is way easy in comparison).

[veganf]

Nothing to do with the baby...

A.J. was helping me bake some pumpkin pecan bread. After we measured the flour I asked, "What do we need next?" He said, "Making powder!"
Apparently you need it to MAKE the bread.

And at preschool Ryan's class was discussing what they were thankful for. His answer: "Chinese food!"

[SummerTwilight]

Well I was exonerated this morning when after two crappy nights up with Aria and hubby home to help out (normally works nights) said "I don't know how you do this. Now I know why you get so mad if I won't take her for an hour when I get home. This is killing me."
Yes, it is killing me too (see new thread) but at least he can stop thinking I am being dramatic...and he isn't even the one UP with her most of the night!

[Sailmom]

Dh called me at work first thing in the morning and said "Where is the bottle warmer?" I answered it was in the pantry. He then asked "Which pantry?": I said "the only pantry we have"

I asked him how often Booker was eating while I was at work...
"I don't know. Everytime he cries?" No wonder my baby is gaining so much weight and I can't pump enough milk! I pump about 20 ounces while at work, he feeds him that plus another 4 or so from the freezer stash. I told him maybe he should try changing his diaper, playing with him, rocking him etc before feeding him. He says "You just don't know how hard it is to be alone with 2 kids all day!" Not even going to respond to that!

[Sailmom]

Originally Posted by gossamer

"Oh My God. I have been so busy keeping him alive, I forgot to change his diaper."

Gossamer

[2 in August]

at the "making powder" I love how kids think.

I just remembered another great one from mil. I had ds swaddled and in the swing taking a nap. I also used another blanket to fill in the gaps around him so he doesn't slide over and so that he feels more secure. Anyway, he started to wake up and I went to get him out and she was shocked that I had him "wrapped up in there like a little mummy so he couldn't move" He needs to be swaddled still or he jumps and flails and wakes himself up. It isn't torture, it is lovingly done to help him get the sleep he needs.