I get so mad!

[AntoninBeGonin]

Sorry guys, I need more help.

Okay, I am pissed royally. At myself and at my two year old. Earlier today he needed a change and I thought I’d give him the choice of now or five minutes from now. He chose the 5, I threw in some laundry, I went to change him. He’s cloth diapered, I use cloth wipes on him, I’m very gentle. He just doesn’t want to lie still. So I decided that I wasn’t going to fight him, if he hasn’t figured out by now that leaving his bottom dirty would cause it to hurt then there’s no point in my saying it another gadzillion times. So I put a clean diaper on his still messy butt. Also I figured he could just start taking a nightly bath. Then it happened again, and I stayed calm. He didn’t want wiped so I just let it be. No pressure.

Then I tried to put on his pants and shoes. Pants went okay but couldn’t get on his shoes. I had wanted to take him to our neighbor’s house. She’s hosting an usbourne party plus her kids are my kids ages. And they love playing together. So this would be fun for him. He had another fit and I got so __________ mad on the inside but kept my cool on the outside. I decided to fix him a snack of pizza and grapes in case he was hungry. FTR, I do offer him food throughout the day, he even has a cupcake pan of healthy snacks a la Dr. Sears on the chair. He still nurses and I let him nurse almost on demand. As I fixed the pizza I thought about what makes me so angry about his not wanting to go. It’s that I don’t like the feeling of helplessness, like I don’t even get to make any of the choices. I firmly believe that he should have a say in what he does (within reason) but for goshsakes I don’t want to have to kiss anyone’s @ss just to get out of the stupid house for 30 minutes. I don’t want to force him into getting in the van if he doesn’t want to, especially for something nonessential, but I don’t like feeling like I have no control over anything. Or am I even supposed to have control? I don’t even know sometimes. I want so badly to what’s best for his age and development but sometimes I just don’t know what is going on with him or me. Anyone know of a good book for ages and stages? Something Piaget-esque?

Anyhow, after heating the pizza I sat down to nurse the newborn. Ds wanted some too so I let him come over. I’ve already told him, very patiently and using (mostly) postitive language that he needs to only drink or give a kiss. He likes to do other things that hurt or have the potential to hurt. So I’m trying to stop those. He comes over, latches on, and immediately does one of those things on purpose to hurt me. Oh my god, I got so mad! I screamed at the poor kid “what is your problem, haven’t you figured out not to do that yet!” and told him to go watch his show. I know it’s wrong to scream at him, I really hate doing it, but it just happens. I don’t think at all. I just looked down and saw that he was doing the same ________ thing I’d told him repeatedly not to do and I just snapped. How do I not just snap? I don’t like the look on his face when I get so angry and I don’t like the feeling of near hatred I feel for him when he makes me that mad.

I’m trying to explain it best I can. Overall, I don’t know how to control my temper. For me, it’s a lot easier to keep the commitment to not hit than it is keep the one to not yell. Does anyone else have a problem with this? What are you doing or how did you overcome it? (BTW, I plan on clw but I might end up changing my mind if he keeps making me this angry several times a day)

Thanks for reading this long rant
~Nay

[Korimomto2]

nak...

i think that sometimes tandem nursing is just unbelievably hard. i don't know what it is like to nurse a toddler outside of pregnancy and then nursing an infant, but in my situation (ds is 21mos, dd is 4mos) I often times find nursing ds infuriating. I've set limits to keep my sanity. For example, I WILL NOT nurse them simultaneosly. It is too....annoying. It just makes the anger well up...don't know why.

Anyway...my advice is to set limits and calmly enforce them. If your ds does the annoying thing don't get emotional about it (I know easier said than done) just remove him to a not nursing place/position and try again later. The big thing is to not let emotion get involved. I usually spend lots of nursing sessions saying over and over (in an almost monotone), "Mama doesn't like that. You will have to wait your turn." I don't plead and reason, just calmly enforce the limit. (and tune out the tantrum ) I'd rather do that than yell and scream. I think he will get over a tantrum easier than a mean mama.

Hugs!

[tuansprincess]

nak
ohmygosh momma - that post came straight from my mouth! I know exactly how you feel. my 21mot dd will pull off and watch me for my reaction. it's so infuriating! I too struggle with hitting and yelling and find it much easier to not hit but yell instead. plus with a newborn, you're getting tag teamed on the sleep deprivation. : It does feel at times like my toddler is controlling me, but that also helps me to know what it can feel like to her when I get to controlling sometimes. sorry to not have any advice for you (us ) but wanted to let you know I can definately empathise. hang in there.

[Fuamami]

This is how I felt a lot after my ds was born, I think it's normal. I did not tandem nurse, and I weaned my ds because I get so touched out when I have a newborn. I could hardly handle snuggling my dd, so I kind of know what you're going through. She did do a lot of attention-seeking things while I was nursing ds, the thing that worked best was to get a big pile of books before I sat down and just read to her the whole time.

As far as the feeling of being trapped and of not getting out when you need to, I can totally relate to that too. One thing that worked was to have lots and lots of lead time, and to not try to do anything unexpected. So if we were going to try to go to story time, for example, I would try to remember to talk about it the night before, and then again in the morning, and then get ready an hour or so before, and even then I might end up carrying dd and her shoes to the car and putting them on when we got there. But lots of times I didn't do that, I got itching to get the H out of the house, she wouldn't cooperate, we butted heads, and things were just tough. In retrospect, I wish I would have taken more breaks and asked for more help, if that does you any good.

[Proudly AP]

This is not helpful, probably, but {hugs} to you. I've been there, too. I can relate to the feelings of anger, frustration, exhaustion (just assuming, since you also have a newborn--congrats, by the way!!!!).

It does get better, but I have to agree that tandem nursing was (is) challenging for me, too, at times. I agree with a PP, I made an executive decision not to nurse them at the same time (unless I (or dd) am absolutely desperate). That, in and of itself, helped me to feel less angry and resentful. I can't imagine how I would have felt if I thought dd was doing something on purpose to hurt me during tandem nursing. I think I'd have jumped right out of my skin.

Hang in there, mama!!

[Think of Winter]

I'm tandem nursing my 34 mo ds and 5 mo dd. We're going through similar issues here, although my ds is gentle as long as he's thinking about it. I've been feeling totally wrung out, too. Ds cried for about an hour this evening because I would nurse him on the couch but not on the "green chair" (I like to sit on the couch so I can knit.) I almost never stick to my guns when he just does not give up about getting his way, but sometimes I just have to reclaim my own body and my own will. Yes, I was being stubborn, but I think he needs to learn to compromise, too.

Our day is filled with me trying maintain my composure, ds trying to get his way on EVERY LITTLE THING, and me constantly having to evaluate if I'm just being stubborn, or if I really can just say no, or force him to do what he doesn't want to do sometimes. I try to be as respectful of his wishes as I am with any adult, but ds wants things his way all the time or he has a tantrum. At least that's how it seems to me. For example, he has refused to get dressed so we can leave the house every day for a couple of weeks now and I am dying to get outside to enjoy the lovely weather and settle dd into her sling.

But when I am calm, and peaceful, and not feeling threatened or exhausted, I know that really I am calling the shots 95% of the time, and it is best to let ds do things his way as much as I possibly can.

What I have been doing the last day or so is to tell ds that I need some time, and put the tv on. I don't feel good about it, but it's the only thing that distracts him enough that I can get a minute to myself. And then I take some deep breaths, read some posts on mdc, knit a little, and wait for my sanity to return.

[NiteNicole]

It’s that I don’t like the feeling of helplessness, like I don’t even get to make any of the choices

I can so relate to this, I would think most moms can even if they don't quite know how to articulate it. I think it takes a very wise woman to be able to put words to it.

I know when I'm so tired and she won't sleep and I've rocked and rocked and rocked, when she won't settle and eat even tho I KNOW she's hungry because she's cranky, when I'm trying to get a diaper on her for the 1,289th time today and she won't. hold. still. when I lose yet another handfull of hair to a curious baby hand...it is exactly that feeling of having no say in my own life that makes me feel so sorry for myself, which makes me feel angry. And I'm just dealing with a TEN month old!

No answers or suggestions, just plenty of hugs and understanding. Sometimes when I'm having a really intense feeling it helps me to know that it's totally normal.